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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it inappropriate for children to be at a funeral?

73 replies

Mylittlebubble · 13/01/2010 12:18

I recently went to a very sad event of my friends still born baby's funeral. And was shocked to find children between 1-5 there. A coulpe were family but many were friends children. Throughout the service some of the children talked and played loudly. And some very innocent but embrassing and upsetting comments were made by the children.

I personally feel it is inappropriate for children to be at such a place and may intrude on the immediate families grief and moment to say a final farewell.

Before you ask my friend did not say bring your children and to be fair I don't think she cared very much obviously has she was still very numb about the whole thing.

Just wondered whether I am on my own in thinking it inapropriate? And what rational you may have for taking a child to such and event if you would take your child?

OP posts:

littleducks · 13/01/2010 12:26

I think there have been many threads on mn about this kind of thing re: funerals, but the consensus is almost always it depends upon the family/culture and everyone does it diff

I would prob avoid taking either of my children to a friend's baby's funeral though, as i would assume it would be unhelpful

NoahAndTheWhale · 13/01/2010 12:27

I really don't know what I think about it. I would talk to the people involved to find out if they would prefer my children to not be there, but I can see that it might be a difficult thing for them to decide.

My DH's granny is nearly 99 and so at some time will die. Our DC are 6 and 4 and I am uncertain what I would want to happen with them at her funeral - obviously I hope she will live a few more years yet but I would be very aware of being sensitive to the feelings of those closer to her.

RockBird · 13/01/2010 12:29

Depends on so many factors; culture/circumstances of death/age of children/levels of concentration of children/closeness of children to deceased. I don't think you can put a blanket ban on children at funerals.

However, that said, it doesn't sound like it was the right thing to do in your case. I'm really sorry about your friend's baby Very sad

ErnestTheBavarian · 13/01/2010 12:30

At 1st i was going to say yabu. When my mil died a couple of years ago, I felt it was important for my dc, who she adored, to be there, and not to be excluded.

But, in this circumstances, the funeral of a stillborn baby, where the children obv. have no relationship with the baby, I don't think in this case it would be the nec. in anybody's best interests to take other children to the funeral.

Wonderstuff · 13/01/2010 12:31

I wouldn't take a small child to a baby's funeral. I think people should ask permission from parents in that case rather than assume it is OK. In other circumstances I think it depends on immediate families wishes.

ginnybag · 13/01/2010 12:32

I would perhaps not have taken children too young to keep reasonably still and quiet with some form of silent toy, but it might be that the alternative is for the parent(s) not to go as they have no care available.

In that case, which is the lesser of two evils - take the children and risk inappropriate noise/comments etc, or not go, and deprive both your friend of their support and themselves of the chance to say good bye.

I think perhaps my issue would be that, by five, the children may be old enough to understand what is happening and that is a whole new level of difficulty to contend with.

giraffesCantWalkInSnow · 13/01/2010 12:33

Nothing wrong with children at funerals IMO. But depends on the child/families wishes. So would check with them first. I remember going to a funeral as a fairly young child and wasn't frightened/distressed, it was good to understand what was happening.

ChickensLoveMarmite · 13/01/2010 12:33

I wouldn't take my children to a funeral unless it was a close family member who had died and they wanted to go (they are 9 and 6). I wouldn't take them to a child's/baby's funeral, though. Perhaps I am making an assumption, but I would think it insensitive to the bereaved.

Pheebe · 13/01/2010 12:34

There have been loads of threads around this issue. For me the only reason to take a child to a funeral would be if it would be of long-term psychological or emotional benefit to them...saying goodbye to a close family member. I actually think it can be quite upsetting for a child too. We had no choice but to take our 2 young sons to a relatives funeral quite recently. She was close to us but not so to the boys becuase of distance. I stayed in the garden of rememberance with the boys as she was part of DH's side of the family but actually found myself sobbing while trying to look after the boys. Very upsetting for them, ds1 still mentions it over a year later, and I really wish we'd made alternative arrangements.

LadyBiscuit · 13/01/2010 12:38

It really depends. I took my son who was just over a year to my best friend's mum's funeral because I couldn't find anyone to look after him. It wasn't a massively sad occasion (she was a very old lady who had been ill for a long time) and we sat at the back. A lot of people told me at the wake how glad they were I'd brought him.

I didn't take him to my funeral of my friends' stillborn daughter though. Their son wasn't there either and I think it would have been crass to take children.

PlanetEarth · 13/01/2010 12:40

I think on the whole children should be taken to funerals - not so sure about the funeral of a child though, that might be too upsetting for them.

However, like any serious occasion, I think if you take your children and they do not behave appropriately (chatting, playing etc.) you must be prepared to remove them ASAP. And 1-5 is a difficult age for this kind of thing - mostly they aren't really capable of being quiet and still.

Original poster

Mylittlebubble · 13/01/2010 12:40

Ginnybag - I thought about the childcare inssue but I am sure somebody couls have the children for 15 minutes. For me I would rather talk to my friend and explain my thoughts are with them and meet them at the wake. Some other parents came to the wake with their children which felt far more appropriate. I would be mortified if it my child that shouted out in the middle of the commital etc and feel that it would be better not to attend and show my suppor tin other ways.

Noah - I have thought about what is appropriate for my daughter aswell as I am sure we will be faced with family members dying which she is close to. We discussed explaining what has happened and doing a private goodbye like letting off a balloon however the funeral will be for the adults until she is at an age to make her own decisions. Surely it is confusing for a child to understand why everyone is crying and they do not need to experience such grief. In fact one of the child asked very loudly why everyone was crying.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mylittlebubble · 13/01/2010 12:43

Just read my post back - my writing is shocking sorry working and chatting!! Naughty!!!

OP posts:

DorotheaPlenticlew · 13/01/2010 12:45

I'm with those who say it depends on circumstances, but I wouldn't bring a small child to a baby's funeral, definitely not. Would hate to think that our presence might make it worse for the bereaved family.

PeachyWillNeverVoteBNP · 13/01/2010 12:48

I took six month old DS2 tomy nan'sfuneral becuase I couldn't find care(my family obv being at the funeral)and I (correctly) thought Imight need dh's support as I was close to her, however he could have taken ds2 out at the risk of a murmur and people there understood.

I don'tthink i'dtakea child to the funeralof a baby though,not at 5 certainly as its not only very upsetting but a complex situation.

Igglybuff · 13/01/2010 12:50

Tough one. I'd say immediate family (children) is fine with parents explaining beforehand what is going on.
When I was four, my little sister died and my mum didn't let me or my younger brother go to the funeral. I remember bring upset that I didn't get to go! It probably was thought best but I think now the chance to have said bye (either at the funeral or another time) would have helped.

mermaidspurse · 13/01/2010 12:50

I would rather my ds first experience of a funeral to be for someone who had lived a long life and while there is much sadness there is celebration for a life well lived too.

I would not take him to such a tragic funeral. Out of respect for those grieving and placing an unnecessary burden upon my child.
Your poor friend.

chocolaterabbit · 13/01/2010 12:53

I don't think it is inappropriate at all to have children at funerals of family members but I wouldn't bring children to the funeral of a friend's child for example unless specifically told to do so.

However, I wouldn't leave it until the children are abvle to decide for themselves. There are some funerals which it is important for children to go to and if they have to go to any before they can make that judgement, I will decide for them.

FWIW, my sister died of pneumonia at 6 weeks when I was nearly 4, my younger brother and I both went to the funeral and, I expect, chatted loudly all the way through, but as an adult, I am immensely glad to have gone and remember the funeral very clearly - it is about all I do remember about my sister apart from her death.

MamaLazarou · 13/01/2010 12:55

I would let the children decide whether to go or not, providing it was OK with the bereaved family.

Carrotfly · 13/01/2010 12:56

My thoughts are that it is right for children to attend funerals.

However my exception is childrens funerals. I was unfortunate enough to have to go to a toddlers funeral a few years ago. Taking my 6 month old into the crem was unthinkable and I made arrangements to bring a friend (completely out of the situation) to push him around whilst the service was going on.

It can be incredibly hard to get out of a crem as (without sounding heartless) they tend to be a bit of a conveyer belt system, one in , one out... and when the doors are closed theres no escape as the next grieving relatives are arriving.

cory · 13/01/2010 12:57

It's not the funeral that is placing a burden on the child; it's the tragic death in itself. Being kept out of the way doesn't necessarily lessen the burden.

Ds at 8 went to his mate's mum's funeral. Of course it was upsetting for him, but it was also very important for him to be there for his mate.

porcamiseria · 13/01/2010 13:40

how very awful for your friend, I agree with posters that say that in this situation, it was not appropriate to have children there, not for a stillborn baby, so sad

Morloth · 13/01/2010 13:43

Too many variables for yes/no to be an appropriate answer.

JackBauer · 13/01/2010 13:47

I have taken my DD's to funerals before and they have been very welcome, but these were elderly relatives.
I would never take them to a childs funeral, let alone a stillborn baby.

Bramshott · 13/01/2010 13:51

If there were lots of children, do you not think that maybe your friend HAD said it was okay? Seems a bit odd if there were several, for it just to have been co-incidence.

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