to think it inappropriate for children to be at a funeral?

[Mylittlebubble]

I recently went to a very sad event of my friends still born baby's funeral. And was shocked to find children between 1-5 there. A coulpe were family but many were friends children. Throughout the service some of the children talked and played loudly. And some very innocent but embrassing and upsetting comments were made by the children.

I personally feel it is inappropriate for children to be at such a place and may intrude on the immediate families grief and moment to say a final farewell.

Before you ask my friend did not say bring your children and to be fair I don't think she cared very much obviously has she was still very numb about the whole thing.

Just wondered whether I am on my own in thinking it inapropriate? And what rational you may have for taking a child to such and event if you would take your child?

It depends on the circumstances, Personally I wouldn't take a child to a child's funeral, but I would and did take my eight year old to my dad's funeral.

I think highly inappropriate at a baby's funeral. I'm not that keen on them being at any funerals at that age, tbh, but I understand some people find it distracting in a good way. I find it the opposite, as does my Dad.

It depends. Some would be fine with it and some not. I see nothing shocking about it at all.

If it's about the child being upset then it depends on the child and their parents views. Pretending people don't die means that at some point you still have to tell them.

If it's about the bereaved person I can't believe that seeing other children is going to make it that much worse, but I would respect their wishes as that is all that matters.

when DD3 was stillborn we did not take our other 2 DDs aged 4 and 2 to her funeral, because that would have been too distressing for them,it was already a difficult enough time for us all, and DH and I needeed that time for us without having to care for them.

however, i do not agree with all those who said that children should not go to a childs funeral - unless the parents of that child had asked for that to be the case, mine would go if they wanted to (now that they are old enough to understand grief and have an opinion). For example, if the child of a close friend died, or a classmate or cousin, why wouldn't my children go to the funeral - perfectly natural to do so

I agree with you PeedOff when the DC are of an age to understand - but under 5?

sadly my children will be attending their grandads funeral next week - they are 10,8,4

I think I would still take my 4 yo to a childs funeral if it was someone he was close to and had to say goodbye too, but this judgment is made in the knowledge that he is used to sitting through church services and is well briefed on what will happen and why, so inappropriate noise/ behaviour is not an issue.

PeedOff, that was what I was going to say. At 8 years old, I went to my friend's funeral - she had been ill and we knew she was going to die but it was still very upsetting. Her mother was devastated but I think it makes me even sadder to remember it now that I am a mother too.

I think it was entirely appropriate for me (and some other friends) to be there - you cannot protect children from death indefinitely.

However, in the circumstances of the OP, it sounds like it would have been better for the young children to have been kept away from the service, as they had no relationship with the still-born baby. OP, I am so very sorry for your friend

I too would take my child to a child's funeral if it was someone he was close to. Supposing a sibling or cousin died, what would you do- just expect him to amuse himself elsewhere while you went off to say goodbye? At times like that, I would think it would be best for the family to stay together.

I took my newborn to visit close friends who had just lost their newborn (circumstances made it impossible for us to attend the funeral).

I did not want to do this. We had both had horribly complicated pregnancies and I was extremely lucky to have wound up with a reasonably healthy baby. But it was a long distance and I had just managed to establish breastfeeding with my baby (initially tube fed), there was nobody I could leave her with.

However, my friends told me that it would mean a lot if we could come and see them, and that they would love to meet my DD, that other old friends had already been to visit with their babies, that life goes on. I decided to take them at their word.

The visit was lovely, but very sad. They told me in great detail about time they had had with their newborn, and the exact circumstances of her passing, and I hope I was of support to them. The mother really wanted to hold my DD, the father said he could not bear to yet.

Maybe the same thing happened here? That parents had asked what the bereaved parents wanted and they said to bring the children?

Oh and I think the loud playing and talking is a bit of a seperate issue - of course that is unacceptable, and if any child of mine ever behaves in that way, at a funeral or wedding or graduation or church service, they will be promptly removed.

I also think thaere are too many variables to comment.

Such a sad situation. Maybe the parents said the children were welcome? In times of grief people react differently and maybe the parents welcomed a bit of normality to such an upsetting day.

I wouldn't think twice about taking my children to a funeral tbh. I'd just do it. I don't think I'd ring anyone to check first either. Crikey am I really uncaring? I am Irish, if that helps. Funerals are a bit different. But, as you say, the one exception would indeed be a baby/child's funeral. I would check ahead then I reckon.

There are so many cultural differences too. It is a surprise to me that people think it inappropriate for children to attend funerals.

When I was growing up (in Ireland) I not only went to funerals, I also went to wakes where the dead body was on display. No-one thought there was anything odd about it - I used to find it quite boring, actually.

I would always take children to the funeral of a close family member. They are part of the family and also it's how I was raised children always went to funerals in my extended family and social circle. In the case of someone the child didn't know well, and particularly a baby or young child (unless a friend of my DC, which is different), I wouldn't. And come to think of it, that was the only time I didn't go to a funeral as a child to the funeral of a 2yo who had drowned (the brother of one of my friends from Brownies) so presumably my mother took the same approach.

Mine get taken out if they look like they are getting antsy, which has never been a problem even at a crematorium -- at recent crematoria I've visited the "next family in" are generally somewhere else other than hanging around outside the doors.

We had a good think about this issue when DH's Grandfather died and we decided to take DD to the funeral. The family all wanted her there. We hoped knew that she would probably be well behaved and were prepared to quickly whisk her outside if she was causing a disturbance.

She was the only child there and afterwards a lot of people said how nice they thought it was that she was there.

I don't think it is normally a good idea to bring a small child to a funeral if you think they will be too distressed, it's a personal choice, judge it based on the relative and the child.

But I do think it is wrong to take a small child, or worse, a baby, to the funeral of a still born baby. You might as well go up to the mother and kick her in the teeth. You're burying your baby, here look at mine and listen to them while we do it. I know they will see babies and children every day, but not that day. not then.

We had children at their Grandma's funeral recently. They were given a role within the service. DH stayed with ours the 2 year old was a bit too young and his older brother (6) wanted to stay with him. They were in charge of the food in the church hall. Most of the kids didn't go to the cemetary but came into the hall and played instead.

Not sure I would have taken them to a baby's funeral.

When my firstborn son died aged two hours my nieces and nephew were left with a babysitter.

Should add were left with a babysitter for the funeral. The youngest was two months then two years then five years old.

I would only take y children to close family funerals, thankfully they have only had to go to one.

Fo many ( me included) a funeral is a significant part of the grieving process. It is healthy and natural and an oppertunity to mark the life ofthe deceased and say goodbye.

I absoloutely respect that not everyone sees it like this but this is how i and my large extended family see it.

All the children are welcome to attend funerals and almost always want to, becausethe funeral is sad, we cry for the person we have lost but we celebrate then to and we join together to say our goodbyes.

I would NEVER just expect to take my children to a funeral outside my family though and would make enquires to seek the wishes of the imediate family.

When my dad died all of the grandchildren attended and many went to the front to say a poem they had written together about him. They dropped notes and flowers into his grave.
We then all spent the day together and talked of how much we loved and missed him - told funny stories and fond memories. My DCs all went and it helped them. DD was tiny and sat on my mums lap.

I don't think children seeing an adults appropriate grief is a bad thing.

But the wishes and beliefs of the primary bereaved is the only opinion that matters tbh