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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it inappropriate for children to be at a funeral?

73 replies

Mylittlebubble · 13/01/2010 12:18

I recently went to a very sad event of my friends still born baby's funeral. And was shocked to find children between 1-5 there. A coulpe were family but many were friends children. Throughout the service some of the children talked and played loudly. And some very innocent but embrassing and upsetting comments were made by the children.

I personally feel it is inappropriate for children to be at such a place and may intrude on the immediate families grief and moment to say a final farewell.

Before you ask my friend did not say bring your children and to be fair I don't think she cared very much obviously has she was still very numb about the whole thing.

Just wondered whether I am on my own in thinking it inapropriate? And what rational you may have for taking a child to such and event if you would take your child?

OP posts:

CarmenSanDiego · 13/01/2010 17:34

So sorry about your friend's baby

I would take children to a funeral of anyone they knew well. Particularly close family. My dds were 5 and 3 when my mum died (very suddenly in her early 40s) and they were very welcome at her funeral. A lot of people commented positively about them being there and giving an element of hope to the proceedings.

I wouldn't take my children to the funeral of a baby unless it was a very close relative and everyone was in agreement that they should be there.

On the whole, I think it is important and useful for children to attend funerals of close relatives and friends. They have a right to grieve and share the community feelings. But with that, goes a considerable amount of talking and understanding about how to behave. 1-3 year olds might be tricky and need crayons or taking out though.

megapixels · 13/01/2010 18:26

All my extended family was at my 2-day-old cousins funeral, including babies and children. He was a part of our family, and therefore part of our lives, even though, sadly it was for a very, very short time . The funeral was different to the type you are talking about though, there were no speeches to listen to, only prayers, and there is no requirement for the children to be quiet during them. So it depends on the family and culture and someone else on the thread said.

If the child wasn't close to the deceased though I wouldn't take them to the funeral at all, never mind if it's an adult or child.

megapixels · 13/01/2010 18:28

I meant "AS someone else on the thread said".

pearlym · 13/01/2010 18:32

I think it all depends, on so many factors, my mum died unexpectedly at 59 when i waws pregnant with my first child, at the funeral was a family friend who left her 4 yr old with unconnected friends but who brought her 14 week old in a car seat - it was actaully quite life affirming to see him there and of course he was no trouble, on balance, maybe kids ebing there is good as they are a reminder of the cycle of life etc, anyway, the main mourners are often too numb to really care or take i nmuch of what is going on around them.
I would not want ot bother the family of the deceased with questions about whtehr i could bring my kids, would probably discuss with less claoe family members to get a feel

ILovePlayingDarts · 13/01/2010 19:59

I took my 4 wk old son to the funeral of my godmother, to whom I was close, but only because it was some distance and I was bf. He was very good, though.

Previously we took our daughter to my FIL's funeral at 11 months. She was very good, but my BIL complained afterwards (it was his FIL too), but my MIL just said to him that FIL was DD's grandfather and she had as much right to be there as BIL did.

Toffeepopple · 13/01/2010 20:11

I think it is a very difficult thing.

My DS literally saw a friend die when he was nearly four. He was not welcomed at the funeral, which is obviously and rightly the choice of the family involved. He would definitely have been better off personally if he could have gone though (not just my thought, bereavement counsellors thought so too). He found it quite hard that I got to go and say goodbye and he didn't, and he spent a lot of time wondering about his friend's mother.

Where I grew up funerals are very like pagwatch describes, so children would generally be there.

So in answer to your question I don't know if YABU or YANBU, it depends on why the children were there and what the bereaved thought.

nickytwotimes · 13/01/2010 20:15

In the case of a stillbirth, I would say it is not a good idea. Only very close people.

In general, I think children should attend funerals where the parents feel it is appropriate.

Death should not be hidden.

TheFallenMadonna · 13/01/2010 20:16

What pag said. Completely.

chegirlsgotheartburn · 13/01/2010 20:20

I think its fine to take children to funerals unless the family involved dont want them there.

I wouldnt take them as an educational exercise but I wouldnt keep them away to protect them either.

It depends on the circumstances.

I am sorry but I do not understand the reasoning behind not taking children to a child's funeral.

My DD's funeral was packed with children. Her school was closed for the day. There were children everywhere, inside and outside the church.

They needed to say goodbye to their friend. To try and make some sort of sense of what happened.

I wouldve have been much more upset by the thought of all their parents keeping them away so they didnt get upset.

When my neice died all the children in the family came. They sang songs for her. My DCs have been to several funerals. I ask them if they want to go and if a very young child was making noise me or my OH would take them outside.

But I wouldnt take them along to a funeral where they had no connection with the family or the deceased.

EdgarAllenSnow · 13/01/2010 20:21

if the adults of a family went - probably all the people who would babysit were also there?

and some people who lose children actually appreciate the presence of children, as healing. My workmates baby died and she insisted on friends/ relatives still bringing their kids for her to cuddle.

pagwatch · 13/01/2010 20:23

chegirl
kind of you to includeyour very relevent experience.
I hope it was of comfort to you to see how greatly missed your DD obviously was.

Undercovamutha · 13/01/2010 20:25

For non-immediate family and friends, I would always ask what they would prefer.

My FIL very much wanted my DD (toddler at time) to attend MILs funeral, as it was very important for him to have ALL the family around him. However, I didn't take DD (now 3.5) to my Nan's funeral as she is just at the age of worrying about things (monsters etc) so thought it might be best not to fuel her imagination anymore then necessary. I did however take my 5mo baby as had noone else to look after him and was bf-ing. He gurgled a bit through the funeral but noone minded.

I think children can bring a little bit of hope to a funeral, and certainly at my MILs funeral many people commented on the fact that my DD brought a bit of brightness to a sad day.

lockets · 13/01/2010 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LynetteScavo · 13/01/2010 20:27

Fabulous post, Pagwatch!

pagwatch · 13/01/2010 20:28

thanks guys and

chegirlsgotheartburn · 13/01/2010 20:46

Thank you Pagwatch It bought me a great deal of comfort.

Feeling bit wobbly. DD's 18th birthday next week. (and of course I am hugely pg and hormonal. So not a good combination).

And I agree with your previous post.

Its about the family. Its not that hard to get an idea of how welcome children would be.

hazygirl · 13/01/2010 20:50

when my grandson died,it wasnt an easy decesion on refusing to have his sisters there,they were three and two years old ,but couldnt have looked after them properly,luckily one of childminders at school looked after them,and brought them to wake after,
i wouldnt take children to a childs funeral,and was grateful no one brought any to my grandsons funeral,im sorry .
at the wake everyone said how lovely it was to see the girls,and they kept us sane

JackBauer · 13/01/2010 20:51

Chegirl, I do see your point. TBH when I say children I mean under 5's really. But it is so hard to know if you haven't been there I am sure.

fluffles · 13/01/2010 20:54

i would take children to a funeral of close family - definately.

i would probably take them to the funeral of anybody not close family but who they knew.

but.. i don't think i'd take them to the funeral of a still-born baby unless it was their sibling.. not unless they knew a lot about the pregnancy and had been around the pregnant person a lot and talking about the new baby to come.

scottishmummy · 13/01/2010 20:56

it depends on the child and the circumstances.cant apply a blanket no to it

Original poster

Mylittlebubble · 14/01/2010 09:23

Thanks for all your responses. It has been thought provocing for me and I will reconsider my thoughts on DD attending funerals.

That said I still do not think it was appropriate for people to bring there babies to my friends still born baby's funeral. I do however feel that bringing them to the wake was more appropriate.

OP posts:

MattSmithIsNotMyLoveSlave · 14/01/2010 09:27

I think most people have said they would take children to the funeral of a friend of the child or a close relation, though (assuming OK with the bereaved family).

But if the child of a friend of mine, who the DCs had only met a couple of times, died (or there was a stillborn baby, unless they had been very involved in the pregnancy), I wouldn't take them. Although I wouldn't take them to the funeral of anyone they'd only met a couple of times, so not sure if the distinction's that clear-cut.

Um. I suppose, thinking about it, it's just that I'd set the bar a bit higher for how well they'd need to have known a child than how well they'd need to have known an adult. Probably because (a) if it were a child's funeral I'd probably be in bits anyway, so wouldn't want to have to handle the DCs as well unless they had a good reason to be there (b) DS gets a bit obsessed with death on and off and I'm not sure how he'd react to a young child's death and funeral (c) The less well we know the family involved the less confident I'd feel about how they felt about children attending (since joining MN I've found there are quite a few who disapprove strongly, which would never have occurred to me before). Again, if they knew the child quite well it would override those factors and then I would by default take them unless the bereaved family didn't want them there (would feel more comfortable checking if DCs knew them well).

cory · 14/01/2010 09:32

If it was a child's funeral I'd only take children if I felt they needed it and had been close to the child (and if the family were ok with it). Or, as I did, if I felt there was another child who might need their presence.

Whether it was appropriate to bring a baby to the funeral of a stillborn child is not for outsiders to say either way; that should be left to the bereaved parents to decide. And there is absolutely no knowing that they would have felt worse about seeing a child at the funeral than at the wake. They might have felt the opposite. Or not felt that distinction at all.

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