to ignore ex SIL and not pander to her demands?

[Julezboo]

Ok brief history, DB split up with Ex SIL about 4 months ago. It's been hell for everyone involved. They are both very highly strung to be fair but SIL seems to take things to a stupidly high level.

DB is desperate to spend time with his DC's and although she often does let the DC's go to my brothers (who lives at my mums) its always along drawn out process. One e.g. DB got the bus an hour away to collect some of his things and see the DC's she wasn't there when he got there and despite her only being a ten/15 min walk away from home she refused to go home so he could get his things and see the kids.

He got home and the second he walked through the door she was on the phone asking him to go pick the kids up this happens quite often.

Now I'm 200 miles away and things are quite amicable between me and Ex SIL And she has allowed me and my mum to go pick the kids up when i've been there - but to get that far has been a battle. Xmas eve she changed her mind about DB having the kids for the second half of xmas day - 1am changed her mind again.

Now my poor brother's mental health has been deteriorating quickly, he has been suicidal at one point. Now he has met someone new (just like she did weeks after they split) and all hell has broke lose again. I am getting abusive emails and FB (i know bloody facebook) telling me I need to get all the pictures of her kids off facebook and anyone else who I know I need to tell them to take them off otherwise she's going to take us all to court.

Now baring in mind I use facebook to keep in touch with my family as we live so far away and we got married in July so atm there are ALOT of my close friends who have pictures of the wedding up. I have blocked her from seeing my photos. DB has no problem what so ever with the photo's being up there. My profile is very private so only my closest friends and family can see my photo's and quite frankly it would take me hours to go through all of my photo's on there and take them off. She never had a problem with it before and my mum said she's just trying to dictate to us all and ot ignore. I have ignored her so far but the messages keep coming!

I take a lot of photos and my brother isnt very technical but enjoys looking at them as he doesnt get to see his kids often. DH put photo's from xmas up but left the ones of her DC's off like she requested so we aren't just trying to be awkwrd.

I hate that I am being dragged into it now tbh!!

I read on here recently that women who deny access are a misogynist myth-perhaps not then.

Can't you delete her from your friends list on facebook?

Have deleted her now after speaking to my brother, I only left her on cos we where still quite friendly after the split.

It's just silly, she said to my brother that she doesnt use the kids as a weapon then in the next breathe said she will stop me from seeing the kids LOL!

I know if a friend of mine asked me not to post photos of her children on facebook I would of course respect her wishes and agree.

Why would you still post photos of her children if not just to wind her up? YABU

I havent posted anymore pictures since she asked at christmas though I have respected that. What I am annoyed about is that fact she is swaering at me, calling me stupid and threatening to take the kdis away from my brother about the pictures that are there already which previously she has been happy to have up there and have been up there for over a year!

Of course I wouldnt post pictures up if she asked me not to but now she is asking me to spend hours taking my pictures off and also kicking off an alot of my friends who have picutres up of my wedding!

As far as i can tell it is a quick and easy process to remove pictures from facebook.

Personally I would never put a photo of someone else's child on my facebook without permission and would of course remove one if asked.

You have blocked her from seeing your pictures now, that will not reasure her that you are not putting any new photos up.

If she was not your ex-sil and just a friend would you be behaving differently YABU.

She is of course very angry and upset. Her marriage have broken down, and she is embarking on single motherhood. She is lashing out left right and centre, wanting you all to hurt as much as she is, and she wants you to recognize just how badly she is hurting. At the moment, she wants to punish the world. Please give her time, and hopefully you will be able to have a fairly ok relationship in the future. You are her childrens aunt, and although she cant see this right now, being amicable will be to the best interest of her children. Keep staying out of it, and try not to take sides. Drop her a line saying something like "Amy, I know you are hurting, your split has upset the entire family, but of course this is nothing compared to what you and Jake are going through right now. I hope we can be friends in the future, and I hope to still be involved in your childrens lives, as a loving aunt. Love Jules" Or something to that effect. Not by text. Just sent her an email and leave it at that for now.

I have spoken to my brother this morning and he is fine about them being up there because he knows only my friends and family can see them. I have respected teh fact she doesnt want us putting anymore up there. I am very wary of FB myself as I have two horrible ex's so no one can search for me without my email address.

I have over 40 albums all with 60+ picutres in there it will not be quick and easy unless I delete all the picutres of my DC's too.

She's now asking me to take all my pictures off their kids out of my wedding album and all my stored ones on my PC as well!

If my brother had agreed with her of course I would have taken them down. IMO she's being petty.

I would take the photos down, purely to make life easier for your brother.

She is being unreasonable, but your brother and their children are the ones who will suffer.

Quint - I understand she is hurt, I have been there myself but when do you draw the line? She wants me to sit for hours on the computer and the phone telling all my friends to delete our wedding photos - after she has already been horrible to some of my friends this morning on FB.

After speaking to by brother it seems this latest hurl of abuse is because he has met someone new (although it is early) and he seems to be picking himself up and getting himself back on his feet.

She met someone new before xmas.

And I will be the first to agree that the kids should be prioritised in all this because it's them which are suffering. It can't be good for them to hear her screaming like a fishwife down the phone to my brohter though surely.

The easiest thing to do is to "hide" any albums with pictures of her DC in, that way you can still keep them there in a folder to go through at your leisure BUT no one else will be able to see them regardless of friends or not. That way I am sure you can copy them into another folder and re post your original phtoto's without her dc in them.
I do think it is a bit petty for her to ask for all photo's of her dc to be taken off your pc, is she asking that none of your family have any photo's of your db's children anywhere?

I think to make life easier for your db you should try and comply with her demands. By hiding the albums if you do get on better ground again you can put them back up if she is happy with that.

It is still her right to decide not to have photos of her children on the internet.

It is not up to you to decide this for her.

I would be sooo cross if someone put photos of my children on facebook without permission and then refused to take them down, as most people would be. Maybe your brother knows this is winding her up as well?

Doodle - I have done that, well deleted her now. The reason she kicked off is because one of her DC's was blurred in the background of one of DH's photos of MY kids from xmas. You can't even tell its a child unless you know.

Littlemoo - does my DB have no say in his childrens lives? Can he not share photos of his children with his family? Or allow us to share photos we have of his DC's with him and my parents?

she still has pictures up of her DC so its not a case of her not wanting them on the internet it is really her just being awkward.

I didnt put them up without her permission, she gave me her permission each and everytime I created a new album on there. It's only now shes suddenly decided that she doesnt want us to have pictures up of them. When she told us at christmas (she did this is a horrible way as well) We havent put any pics of their DC's up, I wouldnt, I'm not that horrible. I'm annoyed because she's doing it to drag us all into her arguments. Asking me to take apart my wedding album and for none of us to have picutres of their DC's anywhere? You dont think thats unreasonable? It's not as if they are just friends they are my neice and nephew FFS!

I have had a very long conversation with my brother this morning and he is fine with the pictures being up there.

Frustrating as she may be, she is perfectly entitled not to want photos of her children on the internet.

It is more important that your nieces/nephews have a conduit to their dad's family through you if things are deteriorating between her and other members of your family.

Sorry, cross-posted with you.

Jules, but why is it so important for you to have these albums up on the internet? Most of your friends have surely seen them by now?

I would take down all the albums for now. When this blows over, and I am sure it will, you can put them up again.

Arguing over a couple of photo albums does seem petty, but so does insisting on keeping them up, to be honest. And you ARE involving yourself in their fights by refusing to budge, and wasting your brothers headspace by adding this too to his burden.

I would take the photos of her kids down - maybe she is being unreasonable but they are her kids. I am very careful about internet photos of my kids. It's a drag doing it, but get a glass of wine and sit down for an hour. I wouldn't like photos of my kids plastered over everyone's facebook account. Send your friends an email. No one would mind taking the photo's down surely?

I know its your wedding photos but don't go into loggerheads about it. It really isn't worth it.

Send her an email saying you are sorry she was so upset - you had no idea she felt this way. She obviously wants to start a row with you but if you react with kindness and a shrug of the shoulders she will soon get bored.

Do it for the sake of your brothers kids. Don't let it get under your skin too much.

My albums are all private now,only I can see them I can't delete them as my laptop broke I'm on a new one so I dont have copies.

But she wants us to delete every photo we have of her DC's in case our computers get hacked.

TBH it's the way she's done it, screaming down the phone to my DB because I didnt reply to her arsey message at half 4 this morning.

Doesn't really matter what we do she finds a reason to scream at my brother and ring 100 times until she gets her point across.

It's like shes determined for DB's life and my parents (DB is living with them) to revolve around her.

I was ignoring her right up until she started kicking off on me then I tried to explain nicely why the pictures of her DC are quite safe, as soon as the conversation started to get heated I backed down and left it. Then my brother rung me telling me she had got straight on the phone and screamed at him! She came to me, I was polite and she got angry, if I ignore her she gets angry so what are we supposed to do!

Glad you took them down. Of course she is just doing it to upset everybody. Your brother does have a say in his kids life, but these are just photos.

You seem very reasonable. Your poor brother - do not let his ex cause rows between you and him, which is what she is trying to do.

Actually, I have more sympathy for the OP. When she posted the pictures, both parents were consenting. One parent is still consenting. The other parent does not object to having photos of her children on the internet just to the OP having them on her facebook page - a very different thing IMO.

I think if you want a relationship with these children, I would do my best to be concilatory but only for that reason.

"telling me I need to get all the pictures of her kids off facebook and anyone else who I know I need to tell them to take them off otherwise she's going to take us all to court. "

just ajust your privacy settings so she can't see any of the alums with the photos in.

oh - You have. So what's the issue. If she can't see them then she won't know they are there.

Tell her there are no photos on your computer anylonger because it crashed and you lost all your data. So, it does not matter if it gets hacked, however unlikely this is, they wont find anything of interest.

If you are the only person to see the photos, now that they are private, this is your business, as the photos are yours. You cant erase every memory of her and the children just because she says so.

It definitely sounds like she is just trying to make life difficult to those around her with the phone calls and the demands, from my personal pov I think it is a bit daft to ask you to delete all photo's of their dc off your computer as frankly wouldn't any hacker be more interested in bank details and financial aspects than photo's? However if it makes your db's life easier perhaps you should say that you are happy to do this but would it be ok to put them onto a disc so that you have some photo's for the future? Whether you do it or not is up to you as she is unlikely to be snooping through all the photo's on your computer any time soon I would have thought. Sometimes people just want to hear that they are being listened to. It sounds like you just need to make her believe what she wants to believe has been done. That way she can think you have complied with her demands whether you ahve or not, she won't be any the wiser. I know its underhand but I do think that removing all photo's from your computer is a stupid request -FB is another matter as not everyone has similar privacy controls that you yourself would use. (I have a dn who has lots of photo's of my dd which I am not happy about mainly because she also puts up piccies of herself in a bra and anyone can see them but I think that might be another thread. that being said I have photo's of dd on fb as have friends in different countries but am very specific as to who can see them!)

Facebook - select album - select photos -press delete - 2 SECONDS!

In cases where parents are seperated at schools etc. they need BOTH PARENTS permission to put photos online.

You are saying "I am keeping photos of her children online but hiding them" - that is not right when she has asked you to delete them.

If this was the other way round and your brother was not wanting a cirtain photo of his children online (and she was refusing to take it down) I bet you would be backing him up!

Do you let ANYONE put photos of YOUR children online? You are not a parent of these childen, have some respect for their mums wishes.

It sounds as though facebook photos are the latest flash point - there have been and there will be others . Feel very sad for everyone caught up in such a volatile situation, but especially for your nieces/nephews.

littlemoomin - i wouldnt be backing him up at all. I have refused to take sides in this and have made a point of telling him he's in the wrong as well.

And no I don't allow anyone to put pictures online, friends and family obviously. I certainly wouldnt demand they take down 100's of photos after originally giving permission to use them.

I will not delete them purely because most of them are the only copies I have. I will also not pay for my online wedding photo album to be edited because she's throwing a tantrum. The albums are private only I can see them now.

They have both been coming to me for support and advice because I have been there and tbh I would never dream of demanding that my ex's family delete all pictures of my DS1 that they have.