to ignore ex SIL and not pander to her demands?

[Julezboo]

Ok brief history, DB split up with Ex SIL about 4 months ago. It's been hell for everyone involved. They are both very highly strung to be fair but SIL seems to take things to a stupidly high level.

DB is desperate to spend time with his DC's and although she often does let the DC's go to my brothers (who lives at my mums) its always along drawn out process. One e.g. DB got the bus an hour away to collect some of his things and see the DC's she wasn't there when he got there and despite her only being a ten/15 min walk away from home she refused to go home so he could get his things and see the kids.

He got home and the second he walked through the door she was on the phone asking him to go pick the kids up this happens quite often.

Now I'm 200 miles away and things are quite amicable between me and Ex SIL And she has allowed me and my mum to go pick the kids up when i've been there - but to get that far has been a battle. Xmas eve she changed her mind about DB having the kids for the second half of xmas day - 1am changed her mind again.

Now my poor brother's mental health has been deteriorating quickly, he has been suicidal at one point. Now he has met someone new (just like she did weeks after they split) and all hell has broke lose again. I am getting abusive emails and FB (i know bloody facebook) telling me I need to get all the pictures of her kids off facebook and anyone else who I know I need to tell them to take them off otherwise she's going to take us all to court.

Now baring in mind I use facebook to keep in touch with my family as we live so far away and we got married in July so atm there are ALOT of my close friends who have pictures of the wedding up. I have blocked her from seeing my photos. DB has no problem what so ever with the photo's being up there. My profile is very private so only my closest friends and family can see my photo's and quite frankly it would take me hours to go through all of my photo's on there and take them off. She never had a problem with it before and my mum said she's just trying to dictate to us all and ot ignore. I have ignored her so far but the messages keep coming!

I take a lot of photos and my brother isnt very technical but enjoys looking at them as he doesnt get to see his kids often. DH put photo's from xmas up but left the ones of her DC's off like she requested so we aren't just trying to be awkwrd.

I hate that I am being dragged into it now tbh!!

You are clearly taking your brothers side in this case.

Your friends may not be your SIL's friends, she may not even know them.

We are talking about photos online and stored on a computer. Images of children online must be handled with the greatest of respect, and the permission of both parents (wether you like it or not).

It is very easy to put photos onto a disk to store. How long are you going to keep your online wedding album up for and what is the point if only you can see it?

It would take you half an hour at the very most to sort this out, but you are digging your heels in.

Personally I would never want 100's of photos of my children online in the first place, maybe you should be thinking of the safety of the children as well as the mothers wishes.

Ignoring her wishes and keeping the photos online (in whatever way) is very petty and only going to make an already difficult situation worse.

Does you brother allow you to use these photos, if not, YANBU! they are his children also, and if he gave you permission then so be it!

littlemoonmannia, you are rambling tbh YOU do not need both parents permission at all, as long as one agrees to it!

She is also NOT ANYONE, she is the childrens aunt! BIG difference!

little - thats my point though it wouldnt be very easy - why on earth should i have my wedding photos online for my friends and family to see, do a lot of people not do this. I dont publicly post it for thousands of strangers to see and I certainly wouldnt put my DC's or hers for that matter in any danger.

I am currently on a net book which doesnt have a disk drive so it's not easy for me to put my photos onto a disk. I am not digging my heels in about the photos, did you not read that they are now set to private for just me to see?

I am annoyed at the way I have been treated by her after all I have done for her and the DC's and the fact she thinks its appropraite for me to be dragged into the argument.

LittleMrsHappy - My brother assured me this morning he is 100% fine for me to have their pictures as he trusts me not to put their kids in danger.

My mum has just got home from work and tbh it seems more like her attack against me - she hasnt asked anyone else to take them down, my mum, dad, other brother, or my other SIL!!!

If it were me, I would burn the pics onto a disc, then and delete the albums. {{http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb112/cayra01/Icons/peace.png Peace}}

Just take the ones on Facebook down, it is a PITA but not that big a deal.

Not a chance I would be removing photos from private PCs/albums though - those are none of her business as they are not in the public domain.

Seriously is this the hill you want to die on over this?

To be honest, in the time you have taken arguing your case, all these pictures could have been saved to disk and deleted from Facebook. Just right click and choose from the very many options Facebook make available. But you shouldn't be trusting Facebook as the single source of picture storage anyway.

I don't see why you should expunge every wedding picture that just might contain her children nor that you should, necessarily, be doing similar with pictures stored offline. But she's within her rights to throw a major hissy if there are pictures on Facebook. Regardless of the privacy settings.

littlemoominmamma - Actually, if you took a photo you own the copyright to it and can do whatever you like with it. You only need consent from the people in the picture if it is to be used commercially. I could take a picture of your children, post it on line and you would have no legal right to prevent it.

Of course Schools and Nurseries will have their own rules for their own reasons, and putting someones picture up if they have asked you not to is rude. But not illegal.

Little mrs - Thank you for your input - Working with children I know that in cases where parents are seperated you DO need both parents permission to put their photos online. Just pop down to your nearest childrens centre, school, nursery etc. and ask. This is for child protection reasons, however I belive it is just common respect to take photos off a computer when asked to by a parent.

Also you are right she is not anyone, BUT SHE IS ALSO NOT A PARENT OF THESE CHILDREN, therefore it is not her choice.

Julez - you are saying one minute that only you can see your wedding photos - then you are saying 2why on earth should i not have my photos online for my friends and family to see" - which one is it???

Why would it hurt you so much to not show the ones with your Niece and Nephew in?.

If one of my sisters decided she no longer wanted photos of her children online (if I had any posted, which i dont) I would'nt mind in the slightest taking them down, it would never cross my mind to say she was being unreasonable or refuse or to question why - they are her children if she didn't want them online fair enough.

This is something your brother and SIL need to sort out together, alone.

OP - Youe ex-SiL is trying to be controlling and you will have to stand up to her at some point. Or she might calm down in time. This may not be the issue worth making a stand about though.

Although this thread has become all about the photos, there are several other issues in the OP which I believe are key here, the most noticeable of which appears to be control

littlemoon........... I am very very well in the know about these things. AND STILL YOU ONLY NEED (sorry caps) one parental responsibility consent!

LittleMrsHappy - legally, you don't need any consent at all for non-commercial use.

I would stop being awkward and remove the pictures. They aren't your children, its not up to you. Why battle over it?

I don't want pictures of my children on the internet. I don't have to explain why, its no one elses business.

just delete the photographs

I know this, you know this but OP's SIL is still within her rights to make a fuss! There's no legal requirement to act upon the fuss but equally, it might be worth considering whether recalcitrance will help an already very difficult situation.

PS. I don't have to get consent to take pictures for commercial use. I can just snap away on contemporaneous news grounds if I wish.

little - my facebook photos are now set for me to see only. My online wedding album hosted elsewhere will require me to pay money for them to edit, nor will i pull apart my actual album or delete any photos or memeories I have of my neice and nephew.

allnew - you have it spot on. My poor brother is not very bright but he loves his chidlren to bits and she is the one that controls when and how he can see them which is fair enough imo but there is no need to for nastiness and awkwardness that comes with it.

She banned us from giving them desert after our family xmas dinner, she hit the roof quite massively when one of my nephews toys where duplicated with something she had bought him, but refused to tell us before hand what we could buy them for christmas.

If my nephew asks to see my son (they are quite good friends) my poor brother gets a load of abisuve phone calls ranging from 2am - 4am!!

The photos where todays issues - do we keep giving into her because she is upset? She is afterall a grown woman and should be able to see that she's acting unreasonable.

Little - i also dont think your are reading what I am typing, she has asked NOONE else to take photos down, just me.

Yes I know ooojimaflib, That why I have posted what I said, if you take a photography in a park and another children in also photographed, as long as it it not used in a commercial, money making scheme, then legally nothing can be done.

Her brother has gave her permission to use the photos, he has parental responsibility so hence she can use them on this site!

If she was so up in arms about this she could contact FACEBOOK, and ask for them to remove the photographs, which legally they have to do, as A, they do not know who has copy right, and B, they also do not know if any of the parents do not give consent, and to save investigation from them, they remove them automatically, simply to save the aggro.

Given the potential for this to blow up even more and ultimately fuel the issues between your bro and her and therefore the kids, I would just delete the FB pics for now. It might seem like pandering to her but if it stops things from getting any worse then surely it's got to be worth it ? It's crap being caught in the middle but you have nothing to lose by deleting them - by keeping them, you risk adding more fuel to the fire.

Why shouldn't you have your wedding photos online?
Because the mother of the children in the photos have asked you to delete them.
You have to take them off, even though she is being totally and utterly unreasonable.

Re your photographs on computers and in albums, they are totally private and none of her concern.

Tbh it sounds like everyone is hurting badly about this split and in your position I would just be trying to make sure there were no excuses for big arguments and further dispute between brother and SIL Even if it is a massive PITA.

My laptop broke over Christmas, I am now on a netbook so CANNOT burn photos to disk, I will get round to putting them on another hardrive but unfortunately due to snow, MC and other health reasons I have not been able to get out to house to buy an external storage device.

It's also not a case of SIL not wanting her DC's on FB, its acase of SIL wanting ME to delete these pics and any other pics I have of her children. I will not wipe them out of my life!

Littlemrs , I hate to be pedantic and don't want to hijack this thread but if you have one parent who does not give their permission in a case where parents have seperated you are not legally allowed to use their image in any way - even if the other parent then agrees. (go on - you know i'm right - x)

lol! I confused myself their, as I was talking about the Nursery stance.

Ultimately, I agree that this woman is demanding to the point of irrational. But choose your battles. I suspect your poor brother will need you to support him on many more issues.