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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to question whether we should visit the new baby?

58 replies

dingledangle · 11/01/2010 18:41

My sister in law has given birth to her second baby this weekend and I am wonder what to do about visiting the baby.

The history is this. DH and I have two children which have only been visited by BIL and SIL once (they have never seen the youngest who is over 2).

I have stated to my husband that as our children seem to be of no concern or interest to them perhaps we should not go to visit their second born.

I am aware that this may seem slightly petty but I am extrememly hurt by their attitude/apathy towards our children and I suppose by not going to visit their second child I am making a statement/stand on the issue.

There is a practical issue about distance (it requires an hour and half flight to visit) but I do wonder if by going to 'keep up appearances' we are being hypocritical.

I cannot seem to get past the fact that they have not seen our kids.......

Any perspectives would be helpful.

DH says someone needs to visit and if I refuse to go he will go alone which obviously I would like to avoid......

AIBU to wonder whether we should visit?

OP posts:

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 11/01/2010 18:44

Well, clearly they have set the example, and I doubt they expect a visit. Let your brother go on his own!

Where would you stay? In a hotel, or were you planning to stay with them?

Imisssleeping · 11/01/2010 18:46

No way would I go and spend money on a flight.
Why would you if they haven't even seen your 2 year old.
Have they invited you to visit?
Have you ever invited them?

MrsBadger · 11/01/2010 18:46

tbh I would not drag my whole family, inc 2 preschoolers, on a 1.5hr flight for a brief visit to someone who I wasn't sure wanted to see us. It's the money and the hassle as much as anything.

I'd send dh to see them

Imisssleeping · 11/01/2010 18:48

Why does your Dh say someone needs to visit when no one felt the need to visit your youngest?

kslatts · 11/01/2010 18:48

Could it be that they can't afford the fare to visit you?

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 11/01/2010 18:51

You have a new niece or nephew. Do you not want to see them? Are you close to SIL, have they seen photos of your children? Have you ever talked about seeing each other, wish you could/would be nice, etc etc?

Original poster

dingledangle · 11/01/2010 18:53

It is not an issue of money for them at all. I really don't understand it. They have seen my eldest (who is nearly 5) once. We visited when their first child was born which then meant they visited us (DC1 was 2 1/2 years old at that point and I was pregnant with no2).

They have never visited DC2 as I said and he is 2.

I think DH is worried about upsetting them and his parents. But no one seems to see that I should be upset as they have not visited my kids.

I know it seems a little pathetic but surely if it is ok for them then it is ok for us!!!

DH will go alone if necessary but I think that this will not be good for our relationship!

Help!!!!

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 11/01/2010 18:54

Hmmmmm well I can see that visiting is tricky and expensive. If you don't want to go then fine - but you are making a big gap between you and your dh's family so if that's not something you can live with then you have to suck it up and go. Your dh obviously isn't happy to not go so this is going to cause tension. Personally I would go (thinking they were a bit crap) and let your kids meet their cousins at least once. Then see what happpens....

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 11/01/2010 18:55

You all must go.

Have a lovely time together and who know you might actually talk to each other about this and sort out plans to meet up again.

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 11/01/2010 18:55

What is harming your relationship is more him insisting on dragging his entire family on a flight to visit some newborn, rather than you asking him to go alone!

Imisssleeping · 11/01/2010 18:55

Have they invited you to visit?
Have you ever invited them?

Northernlurker · 11/01/2010 18:56

Also from the age gaps their dc1 must have been quite a young child when your dc2 arrived? Maybe they just couldn't hack travelling with them - yes it's crap and you've managed it but still that may be the reason.

DuelingFanjo · 11/01/2010 18:57

You're being petty I think, though I too wouldn't bother flying somewhere to see a baby!

TheFallenMadonna · 11/01/2010 19:00

I don't understand why it would be harmful to your relationship for you DH to go without you. Seems the sensible option to me. Just don'r "refuse to go" - explain why it isn't sensible for you all to head off together right now, suggest he goes my himself and invite them all to yours once the baby is a bit bigger.

southernsoftie · 11/01/2010 19:04

Do they live somewhere good to visit? Can you make it into a mini holiday combined with seeing them? That way if they are indifferent to your visit at least you get a nice trip away to remember.

acatcalledfidget · 11/01/2010 19:07

Could you send a lovely bunch of flowers and a card and say that although you would love to visit the new baby you also appreciate how hard it is to entertain people with a new baby and so would like to arrange a visit in a couple of months when things have settled down for them. If DH is close to his sister then isn't it important to keep the family ticking along together? Perhaps you could then use that opportunity to talk to SIL and let her know that you were hurt that she hasn't visited and give her the opportunity to explain why.

Coldhands · 11/01/2010 19:17

Hmm I could see how it may be a bit petty but tbh I agree with you and I wouldn't want to go and visit either. Especially paying for flights, with 2 young DCs when they haven't bothered.

My SIL lives in the same city as me and visits her nephew twice a year, actually its once a year and the other time is at other family for xmas, so that doesn't count as a visit. We are not close and I'm not bothered by that so I wouldn't go out of my way for someone like this. It took her 2 weeks to come and see us when we had DS and she stayed for an hour and couldn't wait to leave, barely asked about him and hardly held him. Just don't bother.

Original poster

dingledangle · 11/01/2010 19:25

DH and I have talked about it and have considered just going on our own. This would be a lot simpler in terms of travel without two young kids (with the added bonus of a weekend away for us both!). However, I think that fact that they have never made the effort with ours just hurts TBH. I also want to travel to see them as a family all of us. Otherwise it does seem a bit hypocritical.

I am aware that our niece is innocent in all this.

I think if DH goes alone it would be seen for what it is ie that somehow I was snubbing them. I have said to him that going out of obligation is silly IMO.

I am also aware that if we do not visit, and then do not attend a christening (which there is likely to be) it makes a very clear statement.

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 11/01/2010 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lovechoc · 11/01/2010 19:31

dingledangle just accept some people are like this. My BIL and SIL are like yours, as you've described. They give Christmas and birthday presents to DS (yet they never phone to see how he is or how we are as a family - hypocritical). We have made the effort several times, we've phoned, we've arranged to meet up in a neutral place (can you maybe consider this with yours?) and also went up to their house to visit but still, they never accept the offer of coming to ours for lunch or a short visit etc.

We have given up on them and have realised they just don't really want to mix with the rest of the family. MIL has also noticed this and finds their behaviour odd. They are alienating themselves from everyone. Their choice I suppose, it's just ashame for the DC involved.

Coldhands · 11/01/2010 19:33

lovechoc, are you sure we aren't talking about the same family?

This is exactly like my SIL and BIL too.

Original poster

dingledangle · 11/01/2010 19:35

lovechoc this is my worry that the DC are cousins and will not really know each other. I appreciate distance will always be an issue as the location of our families but I would like them to know each other. It seems to be a concern on my side only (DH really has very little in common with his brother and has never spent any time with him since he was a teenager not through any argument but just different people). MIL interferes a bit too which does not help.....

I think SIL and BIL are largely apathetic rather than unkind people. ALthough the outcome is the same!

OP posts:

lovechoc · 11/01/2010 19:37

oooh spooky! the only difference between mine and yours is that my BIL and SIL live only TEN MINUTES away by car. Yep, as little as that, in a nearby town. Yet you'd think they lived in Oz, they amount of times I've seen them since DS was born I could count on one hand. So sad as he's not going to grow up knowing his cousins it seems.

But what can you do?? You can't force a family to socialise with you. It seems yours has made their choice and have no intention to get in touch very often. Same as my relatives really.

I just get v annoyed when BIL 'drops by' with a gift for DS on his birthday, and doesn't really stay to get to know him. What's the effing point of giving a child a gift if you don't even want to get to know them???? It's just stupid and makes no sense. Anyone with an answer, would love to hear it.

SE13Mummy · 11/01/2010 19:39

If there's going to be a christening in the near future why doesn't your DH call his sister and congratulate her, send her a card/something small for the baby and ask outright if they'd like you all to come over for the christening?

An alternative would be for DH to take your youngest and see it as an opportunity for them to see your LO and your husband to meet his niece.

2rebecca · 11/01/2010 19:39

I find the references to visiting babies odd. When I visit my brother and SIL I mainly go to see them. Yes I see their kids too and my kids are more interested in their cousins than the adults but I can't see any adult getting that worked up about seeing a small sprog.
Same when my husband visits his sister and BIL and their sprogs.
If you don't enjoy seeing your inlaws and your husband isn't bother about seeing his brother then visiting the kids seems a bit pointless.
The cousins will only have a good relationship if the parents like each other and want to see each other.

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