to question whether we should visit the new baby?

[dingledangle]

My sister in law has given birth to her second baby this weekend and I am wonder what to do about visiting the baby.

The history is this. DH and I have two children which have only been visited by BIL and SIL once (they have never seen the youngest who is over 2).

I have stated to my husband that as our children seem to be of no concern or interest to them perhaps we should not go to visit their second born.

I am aware that this may seem slightly petty but I am extrememly hurt by their attitude/apathy towards our children and I suppose by not going to visit their second child I am making a statement/stand on the issue.

There is a practical issue about distance (it requires an hour and half flight to visit) but I do wonder if by going to 'keep up appearances' we are being hypocritical.

I cannot seem to get past the fact that they have not seen our kids.......

Any perspectives would be helpful.

DH says someone needs to visit and if I refuse to go he will go alone which obviously I would like to avoid......

AIBU to wonder whether we should visit?

Do they want visitors when baby little?
I suppose 1 reason I never visited my nephews when newborn was because I found visitors very stressful in the first few weeks so didn't think I'd be doing them any favours by descending on them. Had no idea it was considered "good form" by some people.
Different if you live locally and can pop in for a couple of hours but arriving for a weekend at least with my kids wouldn't have been a very generous gesture.
I just sent presents.

thanks re congrats dingledangle. I have calmed down quite a lot over the past years and now accept I won't be getting to know much about DNs and the toys they like, or if they like singing etc. We are related to them but that's it - seems it won't go any further than that. Think we just have to accept if a family aren't interested, you just have to step back and move on. That's why I no longer broach the subject with DH now, because it caused MANY arguments last year and the year before. We don't really discuss them apart from the gift giving thing, and MIL occasionally updates us on their life and how DNs are doing. Otherwise we wouldn't know they exist.

I hope you manage to sort things out. It is tough but also reassuring to know that other people out there have weird relatives too!

I wasn't intending to be smug but genuinely find the idea of visiting a baby rather than the parents very strange and it never occurred to me to do so with my nephews. Some people obviously have very different expectations from their family to me.
I did get the feeling you cared more about the visits for appearances sake than because you genuinely liked and wanted to spend time with these people.

2rebecca maybe the OP feels she's been shunned so much that she just wants to get involved even if that means an excuse of a baby being born in the family - gives them a good reason to visit. Otherwise they aren't exactly contacted to visit any other time, when she's already said they've shown no interest and not reciprocated any of the phone calls.

lovechoc best of luck

I must sign off now and have a chat with DH I have been on MN for ages............

the OP has already said she's tried to get to know them, and they just aren't interested. I don't get the impression at all that she only wants to see the 'baby'. I think she genuinely (like myself) wants to get to know these relatives.

TBH I played the bigger person for years, at some point I gave up and they became indifferent to me. Did they notice? no, but by the time I was so disenchanted with the whole situation I didn't care either.

As somebody said, it is all about expectations. If they don't have any, either on giving AND receiving, there is little you can do to change that. Just get on with things and stop being hurt by that.

I think it sounds like YOU think it is polite to visit a new baby and they just don't think like that.

It is nice to visit a new baby but an hour and a half flight to get there (and the expense/hassle involved) changes things a bit.

I live a flight away from family and would never -expect- them to visit if I had a baby. I have sisters though so am sure they would but depending on circumstances they may not. I think especially with the fact that it is your DH's brother and his wife. People are just different.

I think if you don't have a relationship with these people where you routinely visit etc then to expect visits on the birth of babies will just lead to disappointment.