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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to question whether we should visit the new baby?

58 replies

dingledangle · 11/01/2010 18:41

My sister in law has given birth to her second baby this weekend and I am wonder what to do about visiting the baby.

The history is this. DH and I have two children which have only been visited by BIL and SIL once (they have never seen the youngest who is over 2).

I have stated to my husband that as our children seem to be of no concern or interest to them perhaps we should not go to visit their second born.

I am aware that this may seem slightly petty but I am extrememly hurt by their attitude/apathy towards our children and I suppose by not going to visit their second child I am making a statement/stand on the issue.

There is a practical issue about distance (it requires an hour and half flight to visit) but I do wonder if by going to 'keep up appearances' we are being hypocritical.

I cannot seem to get past the fact that they have not seen our kids.......

Any perspectives would be helpful.

DH says someone needs to visit and if I refuse to go he will go alone which obviously I would like to avoid......

AIBU to wonder whether we should visit?

OP posts:
lovechoc · 11/01/2010 19:40

snap - DH and his brother don't really have much in common either, they don't really phone each other up very often and only see each other maybe once or twice a year (despite living only 10 mins apart). very odd family I've married into it seems!

SE13Mummy · 11/01/2010 19:40

Whoops, I assumed it was your DH's sister!

Coldhands · 11/01/2010 19:41

My SIL doesn't bother with a gift, she puts money in a card. At least other family ask if there is anything they can get, and if we say no they give money. SIL doesn't even make that effort. She is also about 15mins away in the car and doesn't bother. When we did see her at xmas, I don't think she even spoke to my DS, let alone me. TBH her and her DH are quite miserable so they can go and be miserable together as they seem to be determined to do that anyway.

Original poster
dingledangle · 11/01/2010 19:41

lovechoc agree absolutely. Perhaps it is genetic as In laws the same too. Fab presents and so on. But no real desire to get to know the children.

Perhaps I want a relationship that just is not going to be there?

It is a dilemma as I know I will feel bad if I do not go and yet have they given it a second thought?

I thought it was good manners to visit a new born baby within the family? (unless of course you live in Oz which I think is a reasonable excuse). Perhaps I am think they expect us to visit/attend a christening and in fact they do not. Although I know when the chirstening happens they will ask us. What happens if we are asked to be god parents?!!!!

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GhoulsAreLoud · 11/01/2010 19:42

I think that you know deep down whether or not you want to go, and that if you choose not to go you need to take responsibility for that as being your own decision and not their 'fault'.

Personally, I think if I had been invited I would go.

Imisssleeping · 11/01/2010 19:42

Have they invited you to visit?
Have you ever invited them?

lovechoc · 11/01/2010 19:44

I just find these kind of people's attitude irritating and when BIL was over last - I actually asked him if his wife had a phobia! I asked this because they've been asked over numerous times yet they've never bothered to make the effort.

It could be one of many things. maybe your BIL and SIL don't like you (this has been something that crossed my mind about my BIL and SIL) or it could be that they feel there's nothing to talk about when you do meet.

SE13Mummy · 11/01/2010 19:46

If they ask you to be Godparents you need to ask them what that means to them and what they understand the role as being for.

Their responses should help you decide whether or not it's something you can do for them/your niece.

Original poster
dingledangle · 11/01/2010 19:47

Imisssleeping there has been no 'formal' invite but a generic come and visit statement on occasion.

Yes we have invited them in the past. But IME if a baby is born to a very close relative it is polite to at least acknowledge and visit the child and the relatives.

There will be a christening in the next few weeks too so the whether or not to visit is as valid for that as we will be invited to that too.

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lovechoc · 11/01/2010 19:48

anyway getting back to your OP, IMHO I'd just leave the visit until the baby is older. If you had a real connection with them, then ofcourse you'd feel a natural desire to get on that plane and visit them and enjoy it. But since you aren't even sure if they want you there, you're having doubts, is it really worth all this stress?

My DH would be the same as yours - he'd go without me because it's HIS brother, you see? I suppose I'd feel the same if the situation was turned around.

Original poster
dingledangle · 11/01/2010 19:50

GhoulsAreloud interesting point. If they had shown interest in my family I would feel happier to share in their happiness. If that makes sense. But as they are not particularly interested perhaps they are not interested in whether DH and us go anyway!

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lovechoc · 11/01/2010 19:50

hmm, in that case, to keep the peace perhaps going is the only way to resolve this, esp with a christening immimment. definately get clarification as to what role they want you to play as godparents, if you get asked.

Original poster
dingledangle · 11/01/2010 19:53

DH feels he should go and that is that as far as he is concerned. He is very clear in his thinking like that lovechoc sounds a bit like your husband.

Perhaps I should wait and see when the christening will be as this is a very formal invite and take it from there.

I like the suggestion on when kids are older......Lets hope it is before they are teenagers.....!

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Vallhala · 11/01/2010 19:53

Might it just be the case that they have different ideas and feelings towards other people's children in comparison to your own outlook? If, like me, they are not great fans of other people's children it may not have occurred to them to visit your DC. No disrespect intended, but I would visit my friends and family but certainly wouldn't go just to see their children (tbh I'm more likely to visit the childless ones!).

If you don't feel this way even if they do, it shouldn't stop you visiting them, although if you are miffed with them it may be better all round if your husband puts in an appearance alone.

Undercovamutha · 11/01/2010 19:56

I tend to be in favour of rising above it, and thinking what you would want to do if there hadn't been any selfishness on their part. So, would you want to go and visit the baby (and toddler) if you weren't pissed off with them? If the answer is yes, then go.

I think (and its no excuse) that some people are just crap! My DH is terrible at being proactive and inviting people to visit. I however always offer to visit or for people to come here. However, I am particularly bad at phoning my DSis (I don't even know why) but I could count on one hand the number of times I have phoned her in the past few years (she always phones me for some reason!).

Sometimes its not a deliberate act of pite, but a bit of sub-conscious selfishness!

GhoulsAreLoud · 11/01/2010 19:57

I just feel like it's better to be the bigger person - that just because someone behaves in a way you don't like it doesn't mean you have to mirror their behaviour.

And if you do mirror their behaviour then you've become someone who doesn't visit a baby born to a close relative - and according to your post a couple of posts ago that makes you impolite.

So why would you want to do something that you dislike in others?

If that makes any sense at all!

lovechoc · 11/01/2010 19:57

I've actually said to DH in the past 'look, let's not give nephews gifts, it just seems stupid since we never actually see them - we don't even know what kind of toys/clothing they already have!' but he insists we buy them gifts for birthdays and christmas anyway. he probably feels obliged to do this.

dingledangle I know that you don't visit them often from what you've posted, or they don't visit you, but do they phone you to see how you are all getting on?

Original poster
dingledangle · 11/01/2010 20:02

I agree with the rising above it all, absolutely and this is what I have tried to do all along. DH and I visited after their first child was born even though at that point they had not seen our first born who at that point was 2 1/2!

When it then happened again with my second child I suppose I become tired of always having to do the right thing. It seems that it is ok for people to be hurtful towards you (by ommission or intention it does not matter) and somehow you are expected to rise above it.

I suppose 5 years on from my first child I have reached a point where I cannot keep rising above and ignoring others behaviour! (whether it makes sense is a whole other debate but I see what you are sayingGhoulsAreLoud like the name by the way!!)

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Original poster
dingledangle · 11/01/2010 20:05

I have tried in the past to open the communication by email and I have phoned too (not often but once or twice) it has never been reciprocated. WE get the occasional note in with Xmas presents from SIL (she seems more friendly than BIL )

When we have been together everyone seems to get along (and not in a forced or contrived way!)

OP posts:
Mongolia · 11/01/2010 20:07

I took a 14 flight to go and see my sister's DS. Took a week off to meet her DD. My sister didn't even bothered in ringing to ask how DS was doing when exh and I separated.

Needless to say, she has now been downgraded from sister to acquaintance.

2rebecca · 11/01/2010 20:09

I visit my brother far more than he visits me. Nothing to do with how much we like each other, much more to do with the large distance between us, the size of our disposable incomes and the size of our houses (he has a much bigger house, I have more spare cash).
Have never thought to feel snubbed at him not visiting. I didn't go to either of his kids christenings as I had to work and it's not worth going down there just for a weekend, don't think any of us visited each others kids soon after birth.
we all love each other though and no-one cares about all this "doing the right thing" twaddle. We meet up when we can and have a great time when we do so.
It seems sad to me that some people take this attitude to their families.

lovechoc · 11/01/2010 20:09

I think it's easy for people to say 'rise above it' and 'be the bigger person' but have you actually been in this situation and been repeatedly ignored and felt like a total outsider, like you and your DC don't even exist??? That's what i don't get about people making out that you need to be the 'bigger person'. Try being in that situation first then you'll get why people like dingledangle and myself feel annoyed about it all.

lovechoc · 11/01/2010 20:13

When I married into the family, I thought it would be great getting to know everyone. What a fool Seems they just aren't interested, and never have been. DH insists that his brother was like that even before we got together, he's always been rubbish at getting in touch.

They don't even know I'm expecting baby no2. They did visit me when I had DS but to me it was more like a formality to them, they felt obliged to visit rather than actually wanting to.

Uriel · 11/01/2010 20:17

Seems a lot of hassle to go twice within six months. Can you say you're going, then you and the kids can come down with some tactical d&v bug? Dh could go alone.

Maybe you could all go to the christening later.

Original poster
dingledangle · 11/01/2010 20:24

lovechoc Congratulations on baby no2. I can sympathise and empathise where you are coming from. Your experiences sound very familiar to mine. I will be discussing it again with DH. I am much less emotional during these discussions than when DC1 was born and the years that have followed. I guess there are only so many times you can feel hurt.

I understand your opnion 2Rebecca and am pleased for you that no cares in your family about such 'twaddle'. Without getting in to a whole other discussion however, you are clearly aware of the differences in expenditure and so forth between you and your sibling/s. I don't think it is sad that families operate differently, they are just different full stop. Within every family there are certain expectations and traditions that is what makes them complex and I am sure your family will be no different. It is a shame you could not offer helpful suggestions just smug comments about your own family!!

Anyway I digress. Thanks for the input this evening it has helped me consider things from a lot of points of view.

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