My child is afraid of dogs - any tips?

[longforasnooze]

Hi, my nearly 4 year old has been afraid of dogs for as long as I can remember, though he has never had a bad experience, and certainly we are not fearful so no nervousness from me. He would cross the road when he saw one coming, leap into my arms if one got close and make a lot of fuss. Any kind or size of dog, doesn't matter, he panics. I know fear is irrational but....no reasoning will placate him.
My partner wanted a dog for his birthday and has always wanted one and we felt my son was now old enough to cope, and we decided to get a puppy so it would be totally unthreatening. We reasoned that once the unknown element was gone he would warm to it and think it was fun.
We are now 4 days into him being at home, he is a gentle and quiet little dog and very curious about the children. The baby doesn't care, but there is no improvement in my 4 year old, who will barely be in the same room as it, climbs up to the highest point from it if he is, and is generally being panicky and squealy. We have confined it to the kitchen so he feels safe in 'his' spaces, offered endless rewards for stroking it, or being friendly, struggling to find behaviour towards it we can praise, reasoned on all logical fronts, watched Scooby Doo!!
Does anyone have any experience of helping their child through their fear of dogs so they can become friends. I would hate the dog to get older, see his fear and then think he was the boss. Any helpful hints greatly appreciated.

[mathanxiety]

You have asked your DS to deal with a lot over the last little bit and seems he hasn't much sense of control over what happens moving house, the arrival of the baby, and now the puppy are all big events and he hasn't had a say in any of those events. Time to listen to him, maybe? You may understand things will soon seem normalised, but he has no mental framework on which to base any kind of optimistic view of the future he sounds scared and insecure, as well as afraid of dogs specifically.

[claw3]

Midori, who is in charge in your house, you or your dog?

Im guessing, you, making you a leader?

[claw3]

Midori, obviously i dont agree with animal cruelty.

[iggypiggy]

Oh.. Cesar Milan, the dog bully, You need say no more.

how is that man allowed to promote that stuff

[iggypiggy]

Also, claw, just because you think what my dog does fits into pack theory isn't and arguement for it being true!

Anyway, I suspect we may have to agree to disagree.

[claw3]

Was using the 'dog whisperer' as an example of people treating their dogs, more like people than they do people.

Bad example i guess, i wasnt aware of any cruelty, obviously i do not condone cruelty to animals.

[midori1999]

Well, we're a partnerhsip I suppose, but unltimately yes, I am in charge. Now that might make me a leader of sorts, but it doesnt' make me 'pack leader' and it isn't why my dogs do as I ask.

The reason my dogs do as I ask is because I know how to motivate them and they know the way to get what they want, be it a treat, ball, dinner or whatever, is to do what I want. If a dog doesn't do what it's owner wants, it is not because it it 'dominant' or thinks it is 'pack leader' it is either because the dog isn't motivate denough to comply or the dog doesn't understand what is being asked of it.

In the situation you mentioned, where a dog bit someone that sat next to it on the sofa, and the person had to move, not the dog, I would say, rather than thinking it wa spack leader, the dog had at some point been woken up a bit grumpy by someone whilst it was on the sofa, it's reaction was to bite or snap, and the person then moved away and the dog was allowed to stay on the sofa. So, the dog learnt 'ooh, if I snap or bite the person sods off and I am left here all cosy and comfy' The more it happened, the more than behaviour was re-inforced and the behaviour continued.

My own dogs have a clear heirachy, but it does change a bit (as is documented with bitches). What I have noticed is their 'pack leader' doesn't actually do anything to affirm her status, she just has it. She certainly doesn't dictate to the others which bed they should lay in.

[dreamingofsun]

anxiety - he is four, a four year old doesn't take signicant decisions in a household or they don't in ours. you don't sound as if you own a dog - as longsfor has found out once you have one you will love it and can't shut up about them because they are such fun. he will soon learn this. its the poor children with nervous parents who make them into nervouse wrecks i feel sorry for (obviously if you've been bitten thats another matter)

[claw3]

Iggypiggy, my dog doesnt get up on the settee, same as my kid isnt allowed in the dogs bed.

He is a much loved family pet, but as i stated earlier, you can never be too careful where dogs and kids are concerned.

Agreed, to agree to disagree

[WynkenBlynkenandNod]

Longforasnooze, my DS is 6 and loves dogs. We got a puppy in October and it has taken him some time to bond with her. It hasn't helped that she is very jumpy despite best efforts and he's been quite scared by this.

We made sure never to reinforce DS's fear of her jumping and he is slowly gaining in confidence. He gets very pleased with himself when she gives her paw when he asks her to which is lovely to see. His current job is letting her in and out when she wants to go to the toilet. I think she slightly takes the mickey with this actually but he is busy taking his duty very seriously.

Very interesting article Midori linked to. We were told by our trainer to ignore when being jumped at which we've all been trying hard to do, she has been worse with DH. The other day I watched her jump at him and noticed he makes a lovely "Ugh" sound like when you're punched in the stomach which must be very exciting if you're a dog. He was completely unaware he was doing it as well and was most surprised when I pointed it out.

[JeremyVile]

I've got a nearly 4yo boy too - cant imagine how I would have broken it to him that he would be forced to share his home with something he had such a strong fear of
"I know you're petrified of dogs sweetie, but mummy's boyfriend really wants one..."

Poor thing.

[claw3]

Midori, the dog was 'spoilt' and treated like a baby. I would say that the dog was out of control, because the owner wasnt in control and he was 'allowed' to do it.

Still we will have to agree to disagree as well.

[olderandwider]

Longforasnooze - the best way to treat a phobia of dogs is gradual desensitisation, which sounds like what you are already doing tbh.

the treatment goes like this - ask the child what level of exposure to the dog he feels comfortable with. An extremely phobic child may say they can only look at a picture of a dog, or look at a dog 100 yards away. Gradually, the child is taken nearer and nearer the dog, at a pace the child sets (with calm encouragement and reassurance by the adult/parent). Over the period of several days/weeks, depending on severity of the phobia, the idea is that the child eventually feels safe enough to touch the dog, and then feed the dog and then allow it to lick them etc etc. So it's baby step and the child sets the pace. There was a BBC documentary about treating a little boy with a dog phobia some years ago (sorry, vague I know) and I have studied (but don't practice) the treatment of phobias in a recent pyschology course.

[olderandwider]

psychology oops

[mathanxiety]

No, I don't have a dog, but I have children and a feisty cat who has done her best to keep them all at arm's length while they were young. The cat's best defence has always been to disappear when toddlers tried to 'love' her too much.

A four year old obviously doesn't get to make decisions, but how has all the necessary and unavoidable change been handled? Sometimes it helps a child who isn't too resilient (as yours sounds) to deal with change by looking at things from his pov and taking him gently through it, allowing lots of time for emotional preparation, telling him what's going to happen, giving lots of reassurance, and paying attention to keeping as much as possible to old routines and habits.

It's not going to make a child into a nervous nelly to listen to and acknowledge his feelings, maybe put off getting something for you or your DP that's not essential if he feels strongly about it. It's not really a question of you making the DS nervous or positive about the dog either -- your enthusiasm about the puppy clearly hasn't worn off on him, nor would your attitude have had anything to do with him developing his fear.

Your comment makes me think you're seeing things more from the pov of the adults and the puppy than your DS.

[claw3]

Iggypiggy and Midori, do you have children? (just out of interest, tell me to sod off if im being too nosey)

[EdgarAllenSnow]

first, don't affirm your childs fear by reassuring him. stroke the puppy in front of him, get the puppy to lie down and do things that can't be perceived as threatening.

no need to push it very much in one go!

i agree an adult dog that ca be trusted to stay sat whilst your DS appoaches may be a btetter way to deal with the fear - puppies can nip and act unpredictably.

really, puppy should be kept separate in ie a little pen or using a stairgate, and that should help ds to overcome his fear, as he'll get used to doggy bing close, and not aa threat.

[midori1999]

Yes, I do, I have three boys, aged 13, 9 and 5 and am expecting no. 4 in August.

[mathanxiety]

Reassuring him isn't really kind or helpful, it's just a less in-your-face way of discounting his feelings than insisting he pat the puppy or play with it. Reassuring him isn't going to affirm his fears either -- this isn't a question of something just going away if you refuse to mention it and just make the DS come around to the sensible, dog-loving approach.

You really should acknowledge his fears, without using any phrase that tries to minimise them, like "I know you're afraid, BUT the puppy is so nice (or whatever)" This situation (which shouldn't have come about in the first place, imo) will not be resolved by the willlpower of the adults, whether using persuasion or coercion.

[ImSoNotTelling]

Did I read a post earlier wrong - someone with a DC with a phobia of pigs so they put them in a pen with a load of pigs and ignored their pleas to get out, so that they knew who was boss?

Did i read that wrong?

[moominotter]

DId you not think about helping him with his phobia BEFORE you got a puppy???

I feel quite sad for your child . He sounds quite fearful generally, he's had a lot of recent changes to deal with and now he is having to share his home with something he is really scared of.

Seriously I would find a new home for hte puppy, deal with your son's fears, and then, maybe when things are a bit more stable in his life, think about getting yourselvs a dog. But do involve him in hte decision this time.

[claw3]

Midori, just watching a dog program at the moment, funnily enough, about a 9 month old dog not letting the husband sit on the settee!

[ImSoNotTelling]

I also wonder how people would feel if they were confronted with their fear daily in their own home. I don't particularly like spiders, i wouldn't be very impressed if DH bought a load of pet ones and put them in cages all over our bedroom.

Do any people have any fears of other animals and how would they feel about their OH introducing that thing into the house?