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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for thinking marriage is special?

254 replies

WashwithCare · 10/01/2010 22:30

I'm not saying that there aren't good reasons, or that it shouldn't be permissble to end a marriage - sometimes marriages fail...

But to my mind, marriage confers a special status on a relationship with a loved one whom you have chosen to consciously make a public commitment. It doesn't matter how long you cohabit, you didn't do that - you're not married.

I have had a number of long term bfs, some of whom I lived with. I didn't marry them for good reasons. I would hate the thought that I would be legally bound to them in ways I did not agree to simply by living with them.

I don't believe cohabitees should gain automatic rights, however long they live together. After all, there is a simple process and legal framework already in place if you wish to confer this on another person - you can marry them! Do others agree?

OP posts:
gaelicsheep · 10/01/2010 23:03

There it is again. The Mumsnet "we" - I'm sick of hearing it! There is nothing at all wrong with the OP wanting to stick up for her marriage and the rights of her DD and her unborn child. There is plenty wrong with a bunch of baying Mumsnetters ganging up on her.

BuckBuckMcFate · 10/01/2010 23:03

Congratulations on your knowledge

I have very little knowledge of family law however, IMO, there is a difference between something being legally right and morally right though surely?

Original poster
WashwithCare · 10/01/2010 23:03

Meltedchocolate - thanks - I thought the protocol was that you could post as many topics as you wished, and that OPs could choose to comment or not? Have I missed something?

I'm confused about the rest of your post. I think perhaps you are confused about the rights that being married convey. My opinion is that my H has treated his ex more favourably than the law would have compeled him to do had he married her. She is indeed fortunate that he has been so generous, but his current generosity does not in any way compel him to continue. I think it is rather odd that you feel able to decide this is not the case, given I haven't posted any financial details at all.

OP posts:
meltedchocolate · 10/01/2010 23:08

gaelic - I very often do not agree with the usual mners. I do not try and gang up on OPs. She asked a question, she got her answer. Almost unanemous. Not because we (those that told her she was being unreasonable) are sheep, copying each other, but because, morally, she is very wrong (IMHO)

Nothing wrong with sticking up for her marriage no. That isn't what she is doing though.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2010 23:11

< yawn >

Mermaidspam · 10/01/2010 23:11

Melted - sorry! I didn't mean to get you into trouble

BuckBuckMcFate · 10/01/2010 23:12

That'll be all that dancing AF

gaelicsheep · 10/01/2010 23:12

Perhaps instead of just piling in and telling her she's being v unreasonable, people could give their reasons for thinking this way. Why do they not see marriage as important, especially when children are involved? Why do people who live with their partners not want to commit to them by marrying? Genuine questions.

lowenergylightbulb · 10/01/2010 23:12

I'm off for a reptile shag with my boyfriend. I'll give a more considered response on the morrow.

onefatoneshortonelean · 10/01/2010 23:12

I don't think that marriage is necessairly special emotionally compared to cohabiting, it doesn't mean your relationship is better/stronger than a random cohabitees or your DHs ex cohabitee.

I do think its a bit mad to give cohabitees the same legal rights as married people when the legal framework for marriage is in place and its simple to do. I genuinely don't see how a cohabiting relationship could be defined if for example the 2 people are splitting up and one person said that they had been together for 10 years and split the bills and the other person said they had been together 10 weeks and they paid for everything.

If a unmarried person dies without a will and the law allowed a cohabitee to inherit, whats to stop a lodger telling everyone he was the DP?

I know these are ludicrous example but its late and I should be in bed. What I am trying to say is marriage has a clearly defined start and end, which I think is important if you are basing peoples legal rights on it.

I do think that your DH has a clear moral responsibility to support his ex and his dcs but he should make them behave themselves around you. I can see why they are angry and don't like you but a truce needs to be called and he needs to call it.

Original poster
WashwithCare · 10/01/2010 23:13

I should perhaps own up that I am a lawyer.

I apologise for any offence, and can see how it is closely related to my other thread. I posted this because I am very interested in how other people view the status of marriage.

I see them as being quite different - but I did wonder if that is a result of my training.

I have been very interested to see how people conflate their understanding of the moral and legal elements. Principles and the law do not go together... It doesn't really matter what you morally feel is right - the law stands separate from that... except in the sense that laws are changes when they are out of step wiht what most reaosnble people feel...

Then changes to cohabitation laws are very minor - there is much confusion around them, but they essentially give the cohabitee barely any new rights... I think that is the right decision... I did wonder what others thought - but I do apologise if people feel I am deliberating to try and wind up the board.

OP posts:
gaelicsheep · 10/01/2010 23:14

OneFat - I'm going to break form by crossing theads, but just to clarify, the DCs are not his.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2010 23:16

yep, super-high-earning-lawyer

that poor woman, she had no chance, did she ?

meltedchocolate · 10/01/2010 23:16

You are allowed yes. I didn't say you weren't allowed.

I know all about marriage. I understand your husband is doing more than the LAW requires.

I dont feel able to DECIDE anything. I just answered your AIBU. I think you are. I think MORALLY you are totally in the wrong for wanting to get him to dump his old family. My opinion has nothing to do with law.

If I was in your shoes and giving the ultimatum that you want to give I would not sleep.

If only the law is what bothers you (and yes, it is on your side) then why are you asking if YABU?

NotAnOtter · 10/01/2010 23:17

yabu

you sound silly

gaelicsheep · 10/01/2010 23:17

From a purely practical point of view I think OneFat's post explains the problems of co-habiting very well indeed. It's all about being able to prove the relationship in law. The marriage certificate does this.

ninah · 10/01/2010 23:17

two, af, they met at work

fernie3 · 10/01/2010 23:19

I lived my my husband for 7 years and had two children before we got married. We got married had one more child. No difference in anything before or after the marriage, living with somone sharing your life with them is what gives you "special status". Being suddenly married to someone for a few months is as easy as booking a weekend break away living with someone for years on end is not.

noddyholder · 10/01/2010 23:20

Yeah you're right fred and rose west were married and that was special

BuckBuckMcFate · 10/01/2010 23:20

Rah!!

WWC your posts really bring out the bitch in me so I'm leaving this thread

2rebecca · 10/01/2010 23:20

I wouldn't choose to have children with a man without being married. If I got pregnant accidentally I would push to be married if I loved him and if the guy didn't want to marry me then I doubt I would want to remain with someone that uncommitted.
If you live with someone you're just saying they'll do until something better comes along in my opinion, although I know lots of folk on here won't like that view.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2010 23:20

OP, I expect you think I am stalking you from thread to thread (that you started, incidentally)

but you just won't shut the fuck up, will you

you have a couple of followers, that is the best you will get

now give it up, eh ?

Mermaidspam · 10/01/2010 23:21

ok....a proper response.

Yes, marriage is special. I got married (9 yrs ago) because I knew there was no-one else I wanted to spend my life with.

But.......who is to say that my relationship is not as special as a couple who have spent 9 yrs together in a committed relationship and never had the time/money/inclination to get married?

It is up to the individuals involved, everyone has different circumstances.

gaelicsheep · 10/01/2010 23:21

What made you marry then fernie, if you didn't think it would change anything? You must have had a reason for making that decision after 7 years and 2 DCs. Once again, a genuine question, but one which nobody seems to be prepared to answer.

Mermaidspam · 10/01/2010 23:22

Now please, leave it