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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not going to bed at the same time as DH?

62 replies

WastedYouth · 08/01/2010 23:34

DH has been showing some pretty controlling behaviour recently and its just getting worse quite fast.

Every night, he insists that I go to bed the same time as him. Even if I'm not tired, I have to go to bed because HE'S tired.

In morning, he has to be up early for work so decided to go to bed at 10.30. I just didn't want to. I wanted to watch Big Brother for one thing. He said I was to record it and watch it tomorow. I said no, I will watch it tonight but I'll be up in half hour.

He went to bed moaning.

After BB however I decided to watch WifeSwap too. I NEVER normally watch TV btw, I just fancied sitting in front of the fire watching wifeswap.

Anyway, 10 minutes into that he came charging downstairs asking if BB had finished. I said it had and that I was watching wifeswap. He got really angry, started shouting at me and slammed the door on me. He then came back in, shouted at me some more, said I put the TV before him and he'd never do that to me and said I was selfish as I knew he had to be up early.

But I'm not stopping him from going to sleep. What's the point in me going to bed if I'm not tired??

He's really upset me this time.

AIBU?

OP posts:

gemmummy · 08/01/2010 23:35

no YANBU. fuck him. don't put up with this.

Monty100 · 08/01/2010 23:36

Y are so very NBU.

Pppf.

Tell him to grow up. Twonk.

thisisyesterday · 08/01/2010 23:37

no, yanbu
he's being a twat

rasputin · 08/01/2010 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluesheep · 08/01/2010 23:38

Have you accidently married a 4 year old child?

If not, you have clearly had the misfortune to marry a complete cock. Is he always like this, or has he changed recently?

Yummiestmum333 · 08/01/2010 23:39

You are absolutely NBU. He sounds very controlling, I would tell him that you're a grown adult and you can do what you damn well like.

southeastastra · 08/01/2010 23:39

maybe he justs wants a shag

displayuntilbestbefore · 08/01/2010 23:40

can you flip it round and next time you have to be up really early wake him up too and demand that he be awake at the same time as you? Or will that make him even more shouty?
YANBU.

AmericanHag · 08/01/2010 23:41

YANBU. He's just being...weird.

The only thing I can figure is that he wants to have sex before going to sleep? If he just wants to go to sleep then WTF does it matter whether or not you're in the bed with him?

You ought to talk to him about this before it gets (even more) out of hand.

claw3 · 08/01/2010 23:43

Perhaps he finds it difficult to sleep without you?

kslatts · 08/01/2010 23:46

YANBU, he sounds very controlling.

SuburbanFunster · 08/01/2010 23:47

it can be hard to sleep sometimes when TV is on and you're on your own if you're used to sleeping with someone, and need of shag plus resentment for early start makes it worse

but he's overreacting and YANBU

Original poster

WastedYouth · 08/01/2010 23:47

Its ridiculous. He went back up to bed and has just come back down again and had another go at me ... and then started hanging around and said he was "waiting for me" to pressure me into going to bed.

I feel like a 5 year old child. I'm tping fast and looking behind me every 5 minutes and listening for him coming downstairs because I'll get "told off" if he catches me on the PC

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 08/01/2010 23:48

i, admittedly, find it hard to drop off to sleep until dp comes to bed

i'd never demand that he come at the same time or have a go at him if he didn't
he does know that i have this affliction though! and sometimes he'll come to bed at the same time so i can get to sleep

AmericanHag · 08/01/2010 23:52

Oh, ffs, does he need to get some sleep or does he need to breathe down your neck every ten freaking seconds?!?!

Seriously, tell him you're very, very gassy and don't want to keep him awake. You'll come to bed when the problem, um, passes.

claw3 · 08/01/2010 23:54

Thisisyesterday, my dp finds it difficult to sleep unless i am in bed, but he doesnt behave like the op's dp if i dont go to bed.

Wasted, i would be getting really annoyed with him 'waiting for me' too and as for catching you on the pc, god!

mummysgoingmad · 08/01/2010 23:54

if he comes back down tell him your going to bed and HES sleeping on the couch..that'l teach him for being a prick!

SuburbanFunster · 08/01/2010 23:58

Is he working tomorrow? If so he's may be worried about a work problem/deadline and taking it out on you, unfortunately

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/01/2010 00:01

OP did you post yesterday as well about him not wanting you to go out on his day off even though he'd been on his laptop for 8 hours and wouldn't speak to you the entire time, or am I getting you mixed up with someone else?

Either way, he is being an arse about the going to bed thing, tell him to sod off.

claw3 · 09/01/2010 00:02

Set up some 'Home Alone' pranks, a paint pot in the face as he opens the door, rake at the bottom of the stairs etc. That should sort him out.

Vallhala · 09/01/2010 00:03

His behaviour is worrying and controlling. What the hell will he do if you don't join him? Throw another tantrum? Haul you upstairs? Time to stand your ground before he sets a precedent, I think.

Original poster

WastedYouth · 09/01/2010 00:05

He's just come down with the duvet and sat on the sofa. I said "are you going to sit there until I go to bed??" and he said "yes".

He then started kicking off again before storming out shouting that I didn't give a shit about him and that I never have and I'm obviously using him "like everyone else" etc etc.

I don't normally let shit like this get to me but he's really upset me this time.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 09/01/2010 00:06

claw, yes that's the point i was trying to make! i find it hard, but i'd never do that just because he didn't go to bed with me.

i do sometimes try and tempt him to bed though lol

home alone pranks sound good

BertieBotts · 09/01/2010 00:08

My ex did this. It drove me MAD. He used to go to bed suddenly with no warning, I'd be in the middle of some gripping thread on MN and murmur "I'll be up in a minute..." and then forget by the end of the thread and go back onto Active Convos etc, or check my emails, or just generally pootle about on the web, and by the time I'd go up to bed he would be in a massive sulk and claim I was "avoiding him" - he even went on a huge rant once that I cared about Mumsnet more than I cared about him! How ridiculous

I can't stand moody or sulky behaviour, especially when it's prompted by the moody person expecting you to have read their mind. If he wants sex, he should say so. If he wants to go to sleep, why does it matter if you are there or not? In my ex's case, I think it was a cross between him wanting to control me and make me go to bed when he did, and paranoia that I was avoiding him or had some "online boyfriend" (yes he actually said this ) or was slagging him off on MN (I probably was, he was an arse) or actually preferred doing something else to spending time with him, his idea of a loving relationship was one where both partners want to spend every waking (and sleeping) moment together, whereas I need a bit of space. (And I'd imagine most people would find not having a second to themselves a bit suffocating).

Erm, sorry for the ramble! There were some other issues between me and XP, obviously, so I would talk to your DH and ask him what the problem is and see if you can get him to understand how you felt when he ranted at you for something you didn't think was a serious issue - it seems you are both seeing this on a different level and need to understand each others' point of view. Of course if he is controlling in other ways then it probably is worth having a good look at the relationship as a whole and seeing whether you are happy there.

I can understand wanting to cuddle to go to sleep etc... but an adult should be perfectly capable of falling asleep alone for the occasional night that you fancy staying up. Sometimes with my ex I'd lie in bed wide awake wishing I was doing something a bit more interesting, and not wanting to do so in case I upset him. It was silly. The first few nights I was on my own I read books in bed until about 2am, and it was wonderful

thisisyesterday · 09/01/2010 00:08

ok, this is seriously weird! i mean he was over-reacting to start with, but now he's just crazy!

have you ALWAYS gone to bed at the same time as him? do you ever go before him?
is he controlling in other ways as well?

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