For not going to bed at the same time as DH?

[WastedYouth]

DH has been showing some pretty controlling behaviour recently and its just getting worse quite fast.

Every night, he insists that I go to bed the same time as him. Even if I'm not tired, I have to go to bed because HE'S tired.

In morning, he has to be up early for work so decided to go to bed at 10.30. I just didn't want to. I wanted to watch Big Brother for one thing. He said I was to record it and watch it tomorow. I said no, I will watch it tonight but I'll be up in half hour.

He went to bed moaning.

After BB however I decided to watch WifeSwap too. I NEVER normally watch TV btw, I just fancied sitting in front of the fire watching wifeswap.

Anyway, 10 minutes into that he came charging downstairs asking if BB had finished. I said it had and that I was watching wifeswap. He got really angry, started shouting at me and slammed the door on me. He then came back in, shouted at me some more, said I put the TV before him and he'd never do that to me and said I was selfish as I knew he had to be up early.

But I'm not stopping him from going to sleep. What's the point in me going to bed if I'm not tired??

He's really upset me this time.

AIBU?

Thanks for the replies.

I have told him he is controlling and that he stresses me out when he won't let me do my own thing but he somehow manages to turn it onto me.

It's not really unusual behaviour for him anymore Yorkshire ... if this had happened last year then I would maybe have put it down to a one-off but its becomming normal. He has a week or so where he's fine and then he'll start again. It;s so tiring because everything I do, I'm thinking about how he'll react.

Like before he gets in from work I'm thinking "I should really wash those dishes because he'll go mad when he comes home and they're not done". Yesterday I was outside in the blizzardy snow cleaning out the rabbits because he'd had a go at me about it the day before.

Last night when I was posting on here I was constantly listening out for him coming downstairs like a naughty teenager up past her bed time.

Tell him to fuck off, honestly. Life is really too short for all this.

It sounds awful OP I couldn't live like that. Read your last post back and think what you would advise someone else if they had written it.

WastedYouth I really feel for you. He sounds to be grinding you down. He can not be allowed to continue like this and you do need to put your foot down. The difficulty is I suppose that when you have tried telling him what he is doing is not right, he turns it around so that you sound unreasonable?

I think you need to assess whether you want to give him more chances to reform, or whether its nots going to get better and you need to consider ending your relationship.

Claw3 gives a suscinct summary of your options: "I tried reassurance, we tried counselling, he tried anti depressants, in the end a 'buck your ideas up or fuck off' and i meant it, did the trick"

You may want to go down the line of trying to get him to recognise that his behaviour is not right, but I think you have to recognise that the end result may have to be that you tell him to change or leave. And you have to be very serious about ending the relationship, cos if he doesn't dramatically change his behaviour, that is what it will come to. You shouldn't have to put up with this.

Have you spoken to anyonein RL about his behaviour?

his behaviour isn't unreasonable, its scary!

I am in at the behaviour of this man ... How unbelievably suffocating. And totally unreasonable.

This is one of those threads that makes me realise just how sane, reasonable and lovely my DH is. And he has his problems, believe me.

This is not rational behaviour. You need to stop pandering to his unreasonable demands (like watching rugby with him fgs). Things really do need to change in your relationship, otherwise there is no future. Sorry.

Wastedyouth, having to watch what he watches, having to wash up when he want you to etc, etc.

Why do you put up with this? Just tell him NO. No long discussion, no explanations just NO.

I can appreciate that we all do things for a quiet life, but the more you let him do, the more he will. He can only do what you allow him to.

Claw3 has it spot on, you have tried to discuss but he takes it as another chance to manipulate you.

You need to sit him down and say 'this stops now, no disscussion, your behaviour is unreasonable and I will not take it any more. When you are ready to talk about what help we can get you I will be here to talk but until then I/you will be sleeping in the spare room/sofa and if there is one more incident then I/you will move out. I am perfectly happy to help you change, but things can not and will not carry on as they are' do not let him get a word in and walk away when you have finnished having you say to show him you mean business, the ball is then in his court as to whether he takes it on board and comes to you for help or whether he does not think he has a problem and so will not attempt to change.

Make sure you have it clear in your head what you are going to say, say it quickly so he can not interupt and most importantly mean it as he will realise if you are wavering.

People like you DH watch for weaknesses and then go after them, that does not mean we should hide our weaknesses or even not have any though. We should all be able to trust that those around us help us with our weaknesses and do not attack them.

The fact that he has turned like this in the space of a year suggests that their has been a recent trigger and in time with help he should be able to work that out and so work on his behaviour. However you can not make anyone do anything they don't want to, so it is important that you firstly work on your part of the situation.

It will not be easy but unless you take the hard line he will continue to get worse as you are enableing him to do so at the moment.

Sorry I know it is not what you want to hear.

You might want to consider talking to your doctor or a womens charity as they may be able to help you build your confidence that issueing an ultimatum is the best thing you can do both for yourself and dh. Afterall he maybe hating what he is doing to you right now but be unable to admit it or stop himself.

PLEASE DO NOT DO NOTHING IT WILL ESCALATE

Goodness. For the first few lines I was thinking maybe he just finds it hard to go to sleep without you - I sometimes find it hard to go to sleep without DH and that has, on rare occasions, made me a bit stroppy if I've needed to be up early in the morning - although even then I've known it's me being unreasonable, not him, but this isn't that situation, is it?

Apart from this control issue what's the relationship like? If he would agree to counselling and this issue could be resolved would it otherwise be a relationship worth saving? Do you have DC? Is he like this with them? Sorry, not seen your other thread(s).

My instinct is that he needs counselling regardless of what happens to your relationship - this is not normal behaviour, and it's not even normal "stroppy" behaviour - it sounds like he really does need some help.

Oh God, we were on holiday once with a friend who did this to his wife in our presence! He'd taken her out for a meal and when they got back, he went to their room, expecting her to follow. However, she sat down, poured a glass of wine and started chatting to us. Minutes later he stormed out in his dressing gown, demanding she come to bed. She said no, so he came and sat with us all with a face like a smacked arse. What a tit. (He wanted sex - his wife sure as hell wasn't interested after that little display!!)

With sleeping patterns, I guess it depends what things were like you when you first got together. With my ex, we'd had different bedtimes for years (I often worked till the early hours, or one or other of us had to get up early), and it only really became problem when he was using it as an excuse to avoid any physical closeness.

With my new partner, we hardly ever have different bedtimes. I'd hate it, and I know he would, too.

In defence of WastedYouth's partner, it can be absolutely infuriating to have someone come into the bedroom and do all their bedtime preparations and wake you up (however quiet they think they're being) - sometimes you just can't get back to sleep again. And issues over sleep or lack of it, or even the possibility of it being disturbed can cause mega toddler-tastic rows between grown adults.

maybe he just wants some attention from you?

Even if that is the case, singersay, his behaviour in trying to gain that attenion is immature, manipulative and entirely inappropriate between adults (never MIND the fact that it's being witnessed by children).