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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not going to bed at the same time as DH?

62 replies

WastedYouth · 08/01/2010 23:34

DH has been showing some pretty controlling behaviour recently and its just getting worse quite fast.

Every night, he insists that I go to bed the same time as him. Even if I'm not tired, I have to go to bed because HE'S tired.

In morning, he has to be up early for work so decided to go to bed at 10.30. I just didn't want to. I wanted to watch Big Brother for one thing. He said I was to record it and watch it tomorow. I said no, I will watch it tonight but I'll be up in half hour.

He went to bed moaning.

After BB however I decided to watch WifeSwap too. I NEVER normally watch TV btw, I just fancied sitting in front of the fire watching wifeswap.

Anyway, 10 minutes into that he came charging downstairs asking if BB had finished. I said it had and that I was watching wifeswap. He got really angry, started shouting at me and slammed the door on me. He then came back in, shouted at me some more, said I put the TV before him and he'd never do that to me and said I was selfish as I knew he had to be up early.

But I'm not stopping him from going to sleep. What's the point in me going to bed if I'm not tired??

He's really upset me this time.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SuburbanFunster · 09/01/2010 00:10

Clearly much more going on here than the "going to bed" incident. Sounds like you guys need to talk

mummysgoingmad · 09/01/2010 00:10

WastedYouth he's acting like a child so treat him like 1. put him on the naughty step tomorrow! No really tell him to act his age he's a grown man ffs. i wouldn't go to bed until i was sure he was sleeping then i would wake him up in the process for being a dick

claw3 · 09/01/2010 00:10

Im guessing he has had a bad experiences in the past.

DP used to be like that 'no one loves/cares about me' kinda thing because of bad experiences in the past.

I tried reassurance, we tried counselling, he tried anti depressants, in the end a 'buck your ideas up or fuck off' and i meant it, did the trick.

BertieBotts · 09/01/2010 00:15

LOL at home alone pranks

Yes I think the point above about this being an extreme and unreasonable reaction is spot on. It all depends whether this is a regular kind of thing (like with my ex... who also used to do the thing of coming downstairs and sitting on the sofa while I pointedly carried on with whatever I was doing, and he yawned pointedly and Looked Tired, and generally acted as though he was babysitting me) - and am not just talking about this issue but how he reacts to other (normal) relationship clashes as well. Or a one off which could be caused by stress, poor communication skills, or anything, and is still not acceptable, but is worth getting over, learning from and moving on (for both of you).

WickedWench · 09/01/2010 00:18

He upset you????? I'd be fucking incandescent with rage! As would my DP if I did this to him!

Having read your other thread about his controlling behaviour I'd just tell him to get to fuck.

Maybe you should tell him to make himself useful and put the kettle on seeing as he's up.

Seriously, you need to ditch the twat.

claw3 · 09/01/2010 00:25

Wastedyouth, he can only control as much as you let him control you. Put your foot down, dont allow it.

Im feeling angry on your behalf.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 09/01/2010 08:29

Wstedyouht

this man is a controlling person. It is not ok or normal to control a partner to this extent. He has no right to try to control you in this way. You can't live with this long term so you need to decide whether you can explain to him that he needs to get help for his control issues, or whether you need to ask him to leave.

Either way, this is unacceptable.

mrwahwah · 09/01/2010 08:30

Funny, my darling wife does much the same, although not usually quite so shouty.

overmydeadbody · 09/01/2010 08:46

Oh my god wasted, YANBU

He is behaviung like a tantruming toddler and trying to control you and emotionally blackmail you.

Even if he just wanted a shag, he should have just asked, nicely, not gone into s strop.

Please don't put up with this, stop it now or it will escalate into even more controlling manipulative behaviour.

overmydeadbody · 09/01/2010 08:47

I'm really angry on your behalf actually, stupid man!!

TreeHuggerMum1 · 09/01/2010 08:52

You absolutely have to put a stop to this and NOW!

Tell him this is unreasonable and unacceptable behaviour and if he is trying to control you and manipulate he can chuffing well whistle.

My father behaved like this for 26 years and it ended very nastily and violently before my Mother ran away in the middle of the night with 2 or her 4 kids (me being one of them).

If he doesn't make an effort love or no love I would walk.

cupofteaplease · 09/01/2010 08:58

How ridiculous of your dh!

My dh works shifts so we only go to bed together at the same time one night per fortnight. How strange to insist that you go up at the same time as him if you are not tired!

That said, I don't think 10.30pm is early, I'm always in bed by then

MrsJohnDeere · 09/01/2010 09:14

YANBU. Very controlling behaviour. Is he worrying about something else (work, money, etc) and lashing out at you over ridiculous things is his way of 'dealing' with it.

My dh and I rarely go to bed at the same time. I can't stay awake beyond about 10pm, and relish a bit of time on my own each night to read. He likes to watch tv, play computer games, read for a couple of hours after that because that's the only time he gets to himself in the day (and he needs less sleep).

Original poster
WastedYouth · 09/01/2010 09:15

Well, it's the next morning ...

It is a regular thing (the controlling), I posted a few days ago about him going off on a major toys-out-of-pram strom regarding me going to see a friend for an hour.

Last night was just surreal. On a number of occasions he has said stuff to me like "The rugby is on tonight, don't mind if I watch it do you?" and I've always said "no" ... but he also insists that I watch it WITH him and if I don't, I'm being mean.

So I do.

But when Big Brother started this week he told me that under no circumstances were we watching it every night and if I had it on, he would go on the PC upstairs. So I tried to compromise ... I recorded the weekday episodes and watched them whilst he was out. But the friday night ones are live and it's only an hour ffs! So he wasn't happy about me watching it in the first place.

But the way the night carried on ... first I was accusessed of "lying" because I said it was an eviction night (any BB fans will know friday night live shows usually are!) ... then he shouted at me because I said I would go to bed after 8 out of 10 cats ... Then he shouted at me because I said I'd be up after the second BB (apparantly he's layed there waiting for me ) then I was in deep shit for daring to watch wifeswap ... shouted at me that I didn't give a fuck about him, I'm selfish and using him etc etc ...

And just because of his performance, I made sure I found something to watch AFTER wifeswap and didn't go to bed until gone midnight.

OP posts:
Original poster
WastedYouth · 09/01/2010 09:21

Oh and I can't go to bed before him, EVER. He will always come with me.

Many times I've said to im I'd like at least once a week where I can go to bed a bit earlier than him, just to relax on my own and read but he won't allow it.

Even if I was to go to bed at 8pm, he'd come too.

OP posts:
laumiere · 09/01/2010 09:23

OP, your DH seems one or two steps beyond reasonable (at least from my personal exp).

I go to bed earlier than DH (I work outside the home and he's a SAHM so I need to be up earlier) and since DS2 I've been an insomniac (if not asleep by 12, up til 4) so we agreed he'd come to bed with me 3 nights a week and stay up 4, as I sleep better knowing I won't be disturbed in an hour. I have been guilty of sulks like your DH in the past but usually these are not my DH's fault, more displacement for something else.

Similarly, DH likes to watch wrestling with me there, but will not sulk if I want to do something else, unless he's feeling neglected for another reason. Your DH sounds very unhappy about an aspect of his life and is taking it out on you, and this is very unfair.

Trifle · 09/01/2010 09:29

Wasted - you have posted repeatedly about his controlling behaviour and have repeatedly been told he needs to get a grip and you need to get out. Dont quite get how many times you need to be given the same advice.

zippyzapper · 09/01/2010 09:50

OP do you really want to live your life like this?

I would ditch him.

BertieBotts · 09/01/2010 10:54

Trifle, the first time I was told that my XP's behaviour was controlling I replied with "Oh he's not abusive, he just doesn't see things in the same way I do!" - but on some level, it sowed a seed, and 16 months later here I am on my own, away from him, and so much happier.

overmydeadbody · 09/01/2010 11:29

OP you need to leave this man. What on earth is the point of staying with him?

ImSoNotTelling · 09/01/2010 11:40

"But when Big Brother started this week he told me that under no circumstances were we watching it every night and if I had it on, he would go on the PC upstairs. So I tried to compromise ..."

Why didn't you just cheerfully say OK to him going on the PC upstairs? I guess it wasn't a enuine offer. Your reaction to it of immediately trying to compromise even though he had suggested a solution sounds to me like he has already brought about changes in your behaviour, you are trying to appease him without eceb thinking about it.

I read your other thread about setting up the laptop and going out and he really was behaving very badly even before it got to the stuff about the friend.

I think he sounds horrible, sorry.

Do you have kids?

zippyzapper · 09/01/2010 12:29

here's to bertiebott continuing happiness

go on OP get yourself happy too.

tulpe · 09/01/2010 12:40

What a nightmare situation. OP - ask yourself, if your friend was telling you this story, what advice would you give her?

Seriously pet, this is not going to end well unless this man has some serious therapy to deal with his control and anger issues.

Please, put yourself (and any DCs) first. I know, its easier said than done, but this could be the thin end of the wedge.

WhatNoLunchBreak · 09/01/2010 12:47

This isn't an equal relationship - he is a child. If he doesn't acknowledge that he has a problem that needs addressing, then I can't see his ever changing.

So, I'd say leave. Get out and let him deal with this - or not. But it's only going to get worse.

YorkshireTeaDrinker · 09/01/2010 13:05

This is not the action of a reasonable man. OP you are better placed to judge whether this is unusual behaviour by your DH or whether this is becoming 'normal'. Either way, its not acceptable. He needs to dramatically alter his behaviour, or you need to consider leaving the relationship. You need to start by telling him that he is being is controlling and unreasonable and a threat to your relationship.

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