To Think My Dh Should Not Have Thrown DS's Birthday Present In The Bin?

[midori1999]

It was DS2's birthday just before Christmas. He was given a Crystal growing kit he had wanted for absolutely ages, but we only just decided he was old enough for. (he is 9)

DS2 came in in tears. I asked what was wrong and he said DH had thrown his Crystal Growing Kit in the bin. I asked what had happened and he could barely speak, so I asked DH. Admittedly in earshot of DS2. DH said he had given a warning that it would go in the bin if DS2 didn't leave it alone. There are chemicals etc in there and it is not something DS2 can use unsupervised, so I understand that DH didn't want DS playing with it. I am not sure if the reason for not playng with it had been explained to DS2. However, I do not agree with DH throwing it in the bin.

Dh is their Stepdad, but not sure that really makes a difference. He is fuming I have questioned him (which I shouldn't have done in front of the DS I know) but I am really cross he gave such a punishment, particularly as DS2 is immature for his gae ina lot of ways (apergers has been suspected in the past) and can't always help himself but to touch thing, so I think it would have been best to put the toy out of reach.

Thanks Bluesheep. He doesn't usually lose his temper at all, certainly not with the kids. I think that is why the whole thing has shocked and upset me so much.

I'm not generally scared of him, although I admit I was a little worried earlier. I feel fine now though. I certainly don't spend my life pussyfooting around him trying not to upset him or anything like that, we bicker ocassionally or have small arguements, like most people do, I suspect, but it doesn't usually escalate like it did tonight.

Unless he is receptive to the idea of counselling, I don't think it is possible to stay together really after this.

Sorry, but I think you are being ridiculous to say my DS has nowhere to turn because I have decided this relationship matters above all else and I have never said this behaviour is not a problem. What I have said is that if it is possible to sort it out, that is what I want to do. My children are absolutely a priority to me and I would absolutely never do anything that might make them unhappy or put them at risk in any way.

i have direct experience of this type of relationship - i was a step child of an abusive step father. it FUCKS YOU UP.

im 37. not spoken to mother in over 10 years as i just cannot forgive her. step father died last year after becoming abusive to her when he had no one else to use as a punch bag - and now she is alone. and it bloody serves her right - she put her relationship above all else. you reap what you sow. and he had that fucking massive heart attack coming for long enough, she is alone now and deserves to be.

just think about what your doing. and be prepared for the consequences.

Has he gone out yet? Lock the door, get DS up out of bed and play crystals sets all night!

I hate the idea of the "Last chance" thing...how arrogant? As if you'd have no chance without him. Grrrr

So you stood up to him about his behaviour towards your DS (destroying, or threatening to destroy, his belongings) and instead of apologising, he flounces out of the house and 'confiscates' one of your possessions? THis man feels entitled to punish everyone else in the family unless he gets his own way. He will get worse, not better. Relate will be no good at all.
Sorry but you are going to have to get rid of him - hopefully sooner (before he hurts either you or the DC) rather than later.

problem is that people in this position make much lighter of the situation to hide the fact they are failing their children, at least that is my experience. according to my heroin addicted fucked up half brother my estranged mother is only now "remembering" what happened. ok then. but she didnt help me when it mattered. really hoping OP isnt deluding herself here.

I am not an idiot and I do not feel I am deluding myself, I can understand why people are saying what they are saying, but that is only with handful of information to go on.

The violent incident happened over two years go, when my husband returned from Iraq, where he had been injured (his room blown up with him in it) come home for treatment and then gone back out to Iraq for the end of the tour. He could have easily used that as an 'excuse' but he didn't. He took responsibility for his actions and got help. He also stopped drinking, other than the occasional glass of wine or a beer with dinner at social events at my request, despite the fact his work ahas a 'drinking culture' so that was hard for him as people constantly comment on it. Prior to and since then there have been maybe five, what I would call 'major' rows in a six year relationship, like tonight (but not involving son!) where he has behaved childishly, stropped and stormed out of the house or left. However, tonight was the first time since he was violent that I have felt at risk or that I had to ask him to leave, and I suspect it is mainly as he has just returned from Afghanistan and so the timing is similar. This is the first time he has ever upset any of the children, he rarely says a cross word to them and we do not smack the children at all, something we both agree on.

I am not saying there is no problem. I am not saying what problems there are aren't serious. What I am saying is that I do think he has the capacity to stop this behaviour and if that is the case I am willing to try and sort things out. NOT at the detriment of my children in anyway. They always have and always will come first.

I think thaat you have the situation in hand.
Why are people so quick to say "ohhh bin him" its a bloody marriage and whilst its not an endurance test its also not something that is disposable. Its a partnership which needs to be worked on by both parties involved.
Personaly I think you should try and explain calmly to your dh (if he will listen) how much it hurt you the way he over reacted and that you think thata there are some under lying issues which he needs to address but that you are happy to support him.

I think he should also appologise to your ds for the way he reacted and then perhaps do the crystal thing with him to show there are no hard feelings.

midori, can i ask why after 6 years of being together are you the only one to hand out discipline? Are you concerned because of the way he was towards you 2 yrs ago that he would go OTT as he did/didn't tonight.

I have 2 ds's and have in the past after warning ds1 to leave something alone or i would throw it, actually carried out the warning and done just that, Yes it is a waste of money but at the same time if you issue a warning, and back down you will not achieve anything imho.

on the other hand he has behaved like a petulant child tonight and i think maybe you could have a point there with the return from afghanistan......it does from what you have said tie in with the previous incident. Maybe you could call him and try to talk, if you are calm maybe he will be.

sorry for lack of capitals, my shift key is broken on laptop.

Oh and I also think the people who are saying you are putting your relationship first are very out of order.
You have only given us a handfull of details and your reaction to your dh's out birst towards your ds shows how much it hurt you.... i dont think you are putting your dh first at all.

God knows I have totally over reacted to things in the past and then regretted my actions. He just needs to learn from what he has done and act upon it.

Your dh needs to know that this kind of incident will not be tolerated and you will not let it slide or allow him to brush it under the carpet and it seems you are on top of that.

Really it should all come down to his next step - if he is contrite and apologetic (genuinely) and is open to discussing what has happened then imo its a blip.

It does sound as though you have it all in hand midori, good luck.

agree with spookycharlotte. How have things been today?

DH has taken a total strop and got very aggressive verbally. He would like to be quite controlling I think, but I won't take any of his shit, so I think now DS has got the brunt of it."

That's the phrase that has me worried, and the fact that your OH is not accepting responsibility for his actions. If you have on son that is possibly AS and one with Downs, and a baby on the way, it's a lot of pressure on an unstable, volatile and immature man.
And potentially dangerous for them.

Thankyou.

theladyevenstar, I suppose I am in charge of discipline as it has just happened that way. I am 'stricter' regarding most things and like very firm boundaries to be set.

Jeremyvile, I agree what happens now depends on his next step. Not looking good so far as he hasn't tried to come home or contact me to apologise.

I suspect, as has happened before, he thinks I will be wanting him to come home so we can sort it out, and that if he leaves it long enough I will contact him. However, he is the one displaying ridiculous behaviour and although I understand he has problems with insecurity and he is obviously under a lot of pressure after Afghan, that is no excuse, especially for taking it out on a child. So it is realy up to him, but I am not going to allow him to come back to the house for now, or until he is making steps to sort himself out. It doesn't matter to me how rarely this sort of things happens, it has happened and I am not prepared to risk him behaving like that towards my son again.

I feel a bit strange, oldest DS is still in bed (teenager!) and have been playing with DS's 2 and 3 all morning. DS2 is now playing in his room and DS3 is watching TV for a bit before I get them lunch. They have asked where DH is and I just said he was at work, which I think is best for now.

I'm guessing your DP is in the forces, so if his time in Iraq and Afghanistan are affecting him negatively is there a counsellor specifically attached to his particular profession? A good friend of mine was in Afghansitan as a Royal Marine and I know he had the option of seeing a counsellor on his return. He did the blokey 'that's for girls' type of response, then discovered it was really useful to talk to someone about his experiences.

I'm just so sorry that his selfish and aggressive behaviour has had such an impact on you and your kids. I really hope he sees his behaviour as wrong and damaging, and gets the help he needs. How long did the sulking/walkouts last previously?

Thanks. I don't think his time in Afghan and Iraq are affecting him negatively in somuch as they are not the cause of this behaviour, tbh, although I think maybe it is that that has made things come to a head.

I suppose previously he would have come back by now, either because I had rung him or he would turn up and make out it was all a bit of a joke. A bit like last night when he rang me up and said 'stop being such a cow' in a jokey way. Trying to make light out of it, like it is no big deal, or like I am to blame. I suspect his not contacting me by now is another form of him attempting to be controlling (well, obviously it is) but instead of having the effect I suspect he wanted, which is to make me panic and want him to come back, I am instead using the time to get things done and looking at tax credits/houses etc online to see what my options are. Luckily, my hobby is breeding snakes, which could provide me with a good income if I wanted it to, and is obviously something I can do when the children are at home/in bed.

I do think he can change, but he won't and won't have to if I keep enabling this behaviour and now it has affected the children it absolutely has to stop.

I have no idea what you do about this situation now, if you go one way or the other it is not nice for dh to be underminded, it is really not nice for dc to have present thrown in the bin.

I would say that you need to sit down with dh and decide what punishments are going to be administered so that this doesn't happen agian, like how many strikes and out, and what happens when it gets to out as the punishment.

Your dh is an arse. My son has that kit and it's fine to do on his own.

You have no idea of the impact of operational tours, particularly Iraq and Afghanistan, have on someone unless you have been there yourself or lived with someone who has. Be patient with your partner and seek help though SSAFA/Army Welfare before doing anything else - you can contact them yourself if he is reluctant. What you are describing is typical and very widespread in Forces relationships and you can get professional support/advice to help you. Good luck.

If you are already making plans for your life without him then I guess that speaks volumes. I'm sorry things didn't work out for you, I hope you and your DCs are happier out of the relationship.

I wish you all the luck in the world, this can't have been an easy descision to make.

On a totally different note - I love snakes! I have always wanted one (but when I was a kid my mum wouldn't let me have one - evil woman - and my DP doesn't like them )

I'm sorry but unless I am missing something you are totally overreacting. He made a slight error in judgement over discipline - you undermine, ask him to leave and then he tries phoning three times and each time you dismiss him. I'm not saying that he is not being really childish or that violence is ever acceptable but you did say that it was two years ago and since then it has not happened again. He sought councilling and stopped drinking more than you were comfortable with. People would say that you wear the trousers - it seems to me that you are the controlling one in this relationship and need to stop treating him like a child and perhaps he will stop acting like one. Sorry if this seems harsh but there seem to be quite a lot of man haters on this site who can't wait to shout abuse.

you are missing something. the OPs partner has been violent toward her. did you bother to read the whole thread or are you really just missing something?