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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Think My Dh Should Not Have Thrown DS's Birthday Present In The Bin?

85 replies

midori1999 · 08/01/2010 19:36

It was DS2's birthday just before Christmas. He was given a Crystal growing kit he had wanted for absolutely ages, but we only just decided he was old enough for. (he is 9)

DS2 came in in tears. I asked what was wrong and he said DH had thrown his Crystal Growing Kit in the bin. I asked what had happened and he could barely speak, so I asked DH. Admittedly in earshot of DS2. DH said he had given a warning that it would go in the bin if DS2 didn't leave it alone. There are chemicals etc in there and it is not something DS2 can use unsupervised, so I understand that DH didn't want DS playing with it. I am not sure if the reason for not playng with it had been explained to DS2. However, I do not agree with DH throwing it in the bin.

Dh is their Stepdad, but not sure that really makes a difference. He is fuming I have questioned him (which I shouldn't have done in front of the DS I know) but I am really cross he gave such a punishment, particularly as DS2 is immature for his gae ina lot of ways (apergers has been suspected in the past) and can't always help himself but to touch thing, so I think it would have been best to put the toy out of reach.

OP posts:

TheRoyalty · 08/01/2010 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ConnieComplaint · 08/01/2010 20:16

He sounds like a controlling bastard.

And a bully to boot.

Your poor DS.

You do understand that he has only got you to defend him, don't you?

Let him go to hell!! Nothing you have to do tomorrow is as important as you ds knowing he can depend on you.

Original poster

midori1999 · 08/01/2010 20:17

Would just like to add, he has never behaved like this toward the children before, he rarely even tells them off at all.

OP posts:

DoingTheBestICan · 08/01/2010 20:19

Poor ds, give him a big hug & tell him he can play with it tomorrow.

Your dh sounds like a right cheesey bellend,wtf does 'last chance' mean anyway?

Does he often have these tantrums?

Lilyloo · 08/01/2010 20:24

Can i just go out on a limb here , to be fair your dh was doing this out of care of your ds by not wanting him to play with dangerous chemicals.
He has also not thrown the gift away , however i would speak to him about issuing more suitable punishments that can be carried out and followed through , as you said put it away etc
His parting comment whilst maybe said in anger was way out of line though.!
Maybe a tough week with the dc's given this is out of character ?

Original poster

midori1999 · 08/01/2010 20:25

I've had a chat and cuddle with DS and he is OK now. DH told him he hadn't thrown the toy in the bin prior to leaving apparently. The DC just think DH has gone out and DS2 is having his 'supper'.

No, he's not prone to tantrums like this. It's not the first time, but was a bit of a shock to say the least. I would imagine the 'last chance' was meant to be some sort of threat that he won't be coming back or won't be coming back tonight or something. Who knows?! I have cancelled tomorrow plans anyway so it doesn't really matter now.

OP posts:

skidoodle · 08/01/2010 20:27

I think your son was being bold in a situation where he might have put himself at risk.

That is about the most stressful kind of situation to deal with as a parent - where it's not just about discipline, but about safety.

Sounds like your DH overreacted and didn't play this one well and then you undermining his decision in front of your DS made him lose the rag.

Will he actually stay out all night?

I think your DH owes your DS an apology and an explanation for what happened, as well as making him understand that he really mustn't touch the crystal kit without supervision or it will have to be put away until he is mature enough to respect the rules around its use.

He also owes you an apology obviously, but I'm assuming that will come first when he calms down.

BitOfFun · 08/01/2010 20:31

Oh dear. I bet he feels like a right twat now- and so he should. But if you sit down when you're both calm, I'm sure it can be sorted out. He sounds reasonable most of the time, just with Twattish Tendencies, which is not the end of the world.

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 08/01/2010 20:31

I think you need to issue your H with an ultimatum - he either addresses his bullying tendencies or he can move out. Because you are getting near to the state of being an abuse victim ie having the whole household constantly having to prioritise managing H's moods and not 'upsetting' him. Your household does not and cannot revolve around a self-obsessed immature dickhead.

And disposing of/smashing someone else's possessions as a 'punishment' is fairly classic abuser behaviour. (quite different from temporarily confiscating something from a child).

Original poster

midori1999 · 08/01/2010 20:43

Skidoodle, yes, he'll stay out overnight. He will be in his office.

Lilyloo, I actually think it's somehow worse he didn't throw the toy away. He obviously didn't throw it away as he didn't see that as a reasonable punishment, so why make my son (and me for that matter!) believe he had thrown it away? My DS was extremely distraught, and if DH was really concerned about the safety issue, knowing what DS is like, he would have moved it away.

SolidGold, I can see exactly what you're saying, but there is no way on this earth I would ever end up being controlled and DH knows that, which I suspect is why he has done this. He has been a bit moody all day, btu denied anythign was wrogn when i asked him.

I have just discovered he has taken my Heroes season 2 box set with him, which is ridiculous, as I suspect he thought I would watch it when he was gone (which I would have done) and that is why he took it. What a twit!!!

OP posts:

Earlybird · 08/01/2010 20:56

Sounds as if everyone has over-reacted terribly.

Giving your dh the benefit of the doubt, is there anything else going on atm that would cause him to be grumpy, short-tempered, and 'not himself'?

He should never have thrown the present in the bin. It is far too harsh a consequence.

But am also not sure it was necessary to ask him to leave the house either. Why couldn't everyone have simply retreated to their own 'space' to calm down?

His 'last chance' comment and the taking of your box set were very wrong, btw.

BitOfFun · 08/01/2010 21:03

The box set thing is swaying me away from my benefit of the doubt position tbh...

LoveMyGirls · 08/01/2010 21:06

I'd be annoyed about it but tbh it's the way he has carried on after that would make me very very annoyed, what he should have done is taken it and put it out of reach so that ds2 couldn't touch it then that would have been the end of it instead he threatened and then told ds2 he had carried out the threat when he hadn't then when questioned he went in a strop and went out and will stay out all evening, taking with him something which he knows you would want to have if he wasn't there and also meaning you have to cancel your plans, now that added altogether is what would make me consider ending our relationship especially if this happens quite often.

All famillies have disagreements like this its the aftermath that matters to me, I can't stand sulking, dragging it out or spite so him going out all night and ruining plans for the next day would really annoy me. I prefer to have it out then calm down then apologise then talk sensibly and discuss a way to deal with it next time.

Earlybird · 08/01/2010 21:15

I think your dh made a poor judgement by issuing a severe threat, but rather than admit he was wrong/back down, escalated into an entirely different universe.

There were opportunities to de-fuse the situation, but it has morphed into something far more serious.

Why can't everyone simply take a deep breath, and say sorry? It is/would have been a good opportunity to show your ds that adults are fallible but things get worked out.

It sounds to me as if everyone needs to apologise to everyone.

SleepingLion · 08/01/2010 21:21

How old is your DH? He sounds about twelve from some of the things you're saying - taking your DVDs so you can't watch them because he's in a strop? Tell him to grow up!

coppertop · 08/01/2010 21:25

I could almost forgive the pretending to put the toy in the bin as a temporary loss of control where he felt that he couldn't back down.

The storming off and deliberately taking your stuff is something else though. Extremely childish IMHO. He's trying to control what you do without even being there.

Original poster

midori1999 · 08/01/2010 22:37

Well, he has rung me under THE guise of 'talking' but then ranted off at me again when I said that he was also in the wrong. He hung up. He then rang me back and said that he would make sure I could stick to my plans tomorrow to which I said I wasn't sure if I wanted him to come back and he promptly said 'I don't want to come back'... Oh so childish! I tol dhim that was fine, I didnt' really want to talk to him whilst he was behaving like that (he was getting arsey again) and said goodbye.

He then rang back again and said 'stop being a cow' in a jokey way as if it was all a big laugh. I told him that he wasn't taking me seriously and that there was a real problem and he needed to see that.

The reason I asked him to leave when he got verbally aggressive was that he has been violent once in the past and one of the strategies suggested for dealing with this and ensuring it doesn't happen again (I think it was someone at 'Respect' he has spoken to) was that if he loses his temper or starts to, it is best to leave the house for an hour and calm down. He was violent a very long time ago and I really thought he was trying to change, but this is the first time we have had to try the 'hour thing' and the way he has behaved makes me think he is not so keen to change after all.

I have also now noticed he has taken two bottle of wine with him and I asked him not to drink after the violence incident as he was very drunk at the time and I feel it wasn't helped by the fact he was very drunk.

I'm not really sure what I am going to do, but for now I don't want him in the house. I have locked the doors to make sure he can't get in and it's ridiculous to have to do that so you are safe from your husband.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 08/01/2010 23:03

Oh fuck, midori

cheesesarnie · 08/01/2010 23:13

midori-do you have a friend you can call nearby?

my 8 yr old ds1 sounds alot like your ds,hes been told his behaviour/immaturity ranges from that of a 3-4yr old,5-6yr old etc,it makes the toys that are aimed at his age alot harder work for all of us!but he excels at 'making things' and construction,hand eye co-ordination etc.he had a much awaited airfix kit for xmas and has been desperate to get his hands on it-now,now,now.because of 4yr old ds2 its not always convenient(glue).

what im rambling on about is....if your ds is like mine,this is something you need to make time asap to do with him,just you and him.it will be so special to him.

sorry think my sleeping tablets kicking in,must get to bed!!sorry about rambling!

AmericanHag · 08/01/2010 23:15

Midori...until you admit to yourself that your husband is abusive, no advice in the world is going to help you.

You and your children are living with an abusive man. The question is what are you going to do about it?

NeedCoffee · 08/01/2010 23:20

RE the chucking in the bin incident, to be fair, yes he overreacted, but I've done it myself-So yes he messed up, but the toy should be put out of site for a few days and then taken out and explained that DS was told not to touch, and in future should do as he is told, or toys will be confiscated.

However, him not admitting he messed up and all the other stuff subsequently-sounds like he is very insecure and I think you need to speak and work through it, but obviously that is not going to be tongiht if he is drunk.

GypsyMoth · 08/01/2010 23:23

violent to who midori?

paulaplumpbottom · 08/01/2010 23:26

What a jerk. Your poor DS. Its so confusing for them

bluesheep · 09/01/2010 00:10

Midori - what a horrible situation for you and the kids. It must be a horrible thing to realise you are scared of someone you are supposed to love and feel safe with. Is there anyone you can ring to come and stay with you tonight, just in case?

Would your DH go with you to counselling to try and resolve any of these issues? I know you say he's had counselling in the past, so hopefully he'll be receptive to the idea. If he's started to lose his temper over something quite small, and if he is consciously making you and your kids scared and upset, then he obviously needs help and soon if your family is to stay together.

Original poster

midori1999 · 09/01/2010 00:12

Violent to me. It was a one off incident (so far) and a long time ago. My family know it happened and feel (as I do) that is out of character for him and agree I am right for giving him one chance. The children were not here when it happened and before tonight DH has barely ever said a cross word to them, he has a great relationship with them and I am usually responsible for the discipline.

Americanhag (I feel guilty even typing that username ) I do get what you are saying and I have spent a long time analysing what has happened/occasionally goes on. I have looked on the Womens aid site etc and he doesn't fit the profile of an abusive/violent husband despite the violent incident and his very occasional strops and childish behaviour. Hence I was prepared to give him a second chance after what happened. He really is normally very kind and considerate and if you asked any of our/his/my friends or family, they would certainyl say I 'wear the trousers' in this relationship, which I'd generally agree with. This type of behaviour, or violent behaviour really doesn't fit with his general character.

That's not to say he doesn't have issues, he obviously does, but if he is prepared to sort them out, I don't see the point of leaving a marriage. heh as previously taken responsibility for his actions. Obviously the way he has behaved tonight has made me wonder if he does want to change and I think only what happens from now on can determine that, hence I am not sure what will happen.

OP posts:

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