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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for commenting to my dd about her friend's noisy consumption of her hot chocolate?!

96 replies

onthepier · 07/01/2010 16:36

My dd aged 10, had her friend for a sleepover last weekend, they get on well but I can't help but find this girl irritating. For instance, if I was on the computer, phone or even reading the paper I'd come out of the room to find her hurrying away, I knew full well she'd been lurking by the door each time although she denied it!

Anyway, the children played out in the snow and I made them hot chocolates when they came in. My dd's friend drank hers so NOISILY! It was slurp, slurp and when she started the noisy chomping of the marshmallows something in me snapped! They'd just about finished by then and were eager to get back out in the snow. My dd's friend went first and just before my dd followed I whispered, "Does she normally eat/drink that noisily, it's driving me mad!"

Anyway, I obv didn't realise my dd's friend had hung back, she didn't hear what was said but apparently made my dd repeat it which she did although she felt uncomfortable.
I didn't know any of this until they were back at school and this girl was giving me dirty looks and shouting she didn't like me at the school gate!

I'm feeling bad now as I like her parents and I wouldn't want there to be bad feeling, I'm sure she's told them as they haven't been nearly as chatty to me this week! Was I being unreasonable or is this girl oversensitive?

OP posts:

Mooncupflowethover · 07/01/2010 22:32

Yes it is normal.

It is exactly the same as posting on MN if the person the comment was directed at did not hear it.

She did not embarrass the child in front of her friend. The child did not hear the comment.

If a child 'hates' an adult for saying that she drank noisily then she most certainly is a Little Empress.

Snide comment justified. I am making mildly derogatory comments about you to DH about it, but they won't upset you as you can't hear me

lockets · 07/01/2010 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

larks35 · 07/01/2010 23:02

Sorry mooncupflower but you are well off base here. When we,as adults, post stuff on MN, we are not posting to 10yo friends of the person we choose to discuss/bitch/gossip about are we. I have to say that I am usually not a poor child/wicked adult person but in this case I do think the OP was out of order and should apologise.
I don't think she's caused the girl in question untold psychological damage as other posters have hinted at, but she should NOT gossip about a guest in her house to her own (by the sound of things) embarrassed daughter.

hambler · 07/01/2010 23:15

If it is the ten year old girl I have in mind , well done , and with any luck she will pass the message on to her chomping slurping brother, mum, and dad

BrahmsThirdRacket · 07/01/2010 23:22

Well... it wasn't very clever of you to say it where she could overhear you. But bad table manners are the absolute end. I know several adults who eat noisily/with their mouth open and it is absolutely repulsive. They clearly weren't pulled up on it as children and now of course no one can say anything. It's probably better for her long term that she found out that her eating habits leave something to be desired, although it wasn't in the best possible way...

hambler · 07/01/2010 23:31

How do otherwise normal people get to adulthood without realising it is bad manners to chomp and slurp noisily?

displayuntilbestbefore · 07/01/2010 23:34

How does OP know that the child always slurps noisily? It could have been the only time it happened.
Maybe it's the consistency of her hot chocolate that needs looking into rather than the manners of the child.

EcoMouse · 07/01/2010 23:52

I would slurp gleefully whilst trying to drink-eat hot chocolate with a foodstuff floating in it.

Never know quite how to negotiate solid-fluid combo's.

Still think YABU, OP.

Spying's also a common game with 10yo's. If you would prefer her not to play this game in your house, create a clear boundary to enable your daughters friend to understand and respect this sad fact.

happilyeverafter · 07/01/2010 23:57

I have a pet hate of slurpers but YUBU to bitch about a child to another.

Saying that I wouldn't have been able to hold back saying "drink nicely girls" or the like if faced with slurpy situation.

The snooping is normalish for that age child, I wouldn't hold it against the girl.

I remember being terrified of one of my friend's mums aged 8+ and used to be quite cheeky to her looking back but she scared the bejesus out of me and I wasn't cheeky to anyone else. It really stuck with me and invited to the friend's wedding 16 years later I declined because I was heavily pg and didn't feel up to seeing her horrible mum. So in a longwinded way I am saying that you should be sensitive to DD friend.

AmericanHag · 08/01/2010 03:51

Most of us agree that snarking behind the girl's back was VERY bad behavior. What message are you sending to your daughter?

Slurping food is gross. But correcting the girl, who was a guest in your home, would have been wrong unless she was making a mess. If it's just noise, you have to let it go as she's a guest.

You owe your daughter AND her friend an apology.

MamaLazarou · 08/01/2010 08:34

It was a bit U to snipe behind the little girl's back, especially as you knew she was an earwigger.

I would have just said, 'Please stop slurping' or something like that, and not made a big deal about it. It's not unreasonable to correct a child's unsociable behaviour while they're staying at your house. When my nieces visit, I sometimes remind them to close their mouths when they chew, it's not a big deal, and no-one's embarrassed by it.

at the people who said they don't correct their own DCs for eating noisily for fear of being 'rude'. Surely it's a parent's responsibility to teach good table manners?

DorotheaPlenticlew · 08/01/2010 08:42

I agree it would have been absolutely fine and probably a good idea to say it to the child directly (in a kind but clear way). The rudeness is in the whispery, just-out-of-earshot aspect of it IMO.

It's about respect really -- not about creating "Little Emperors". Fine to correct a child on something like this, and if you don't make a big issue of it neither should the child find it unduly upsetting to hear.

cory · 08/01/2010 08:49

Also extremely rude to OP's dd to encourage her to bitch about her guest while said guest is still there. Is this the kind of behaviour you want her to indulge in in the playground?

mitfordsisters · 08/01/2010 08:51

Agree with MamaLazarou and Dorothea - you should have said something directly to her (gently if possible). I work with teenagers and constantly tell them to sit up straight, stop fidgeting/ swearing etc. They like it and will moderate their behaviour.

Behind her back will fuel paranoia and does not support her development in any way. If she is irritating, she probably needs a little (gentle) tuition in social graces.

We all get tetchy sometimes though I do understand.

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 08/01/2010 08:53

sorry this made my lol.

TillyMintSpy · 08/01/2010 08:57

YANBU for being annoyed by her, but you could have commented in a better way.

I think (if I was feeling so annoyed by it), I would have said (in a jokey tone) that she must be really enjoying the hot choc to make that much noise slurping it. And then maybe asked the girls to see who could drink it without making any noises!

5Foot5 · 08/01/2010 13:39

As many others have said, it would have been better to correct her at the time. However, it is easy for us to say this with the benefit of hindsight.

I can imagine how the OP might have been resisting saying anything to the girl directly so as NOT to hurt her feelings. But maybe she was so wound up by the time they finished that the whispered comment was a way of relieving her own feelings and she, unfortunately, misjudged it. Certainly an error of judgement and she would probably have handled it differently if she could rewind and have another go - but we all make spur of the minute mistakes.

I disagree with people saying she should apologise as I think that will just draw more attention to what happened and possibly cause much more embarassment to all concerned.

Anyway, if it makes this girl slightly aware that her eating habits leave something to be desired then at least some good will have come of it!

MadamDeathstare · 08/01/2010 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

onthepier · 09/01/2010 18:07

Thank you, MadamDeathstare for apologising.

Obviously if a child had a physical problem which I was aware of I certainly wouldn't say, (or prob even think anything) in this situation.

I realise in this case I spoke in the heat of the moment, causing bad feeling when I didn't intend to. I'm certainly not a nasty sort of person which some posters have hinted at. For example, if I look after my sister's dd (who has learning difficulties by the way), my sister tends to get cross with me because I make too many allowances for her dd, do everything for her and apparently should be firmer but I can't bring myself to be in this case.

I'm just saying this as an example of the type of person I generally am, my AIBU post was about one incident, that's all!

Btw, the only thing this girl has said to my dd was she didn't like me any more on the first day of school, since then she's been asking to come round for tea after school, so I assume no real harm done.

OP posts:

biggirlsdontcry · 09/01/2010 18:22

if this child drinks her hot chocolate so noisily , how will you ever cope with her eating a meal at yours

madamearcati · 09/01/2010 19:15

Well it wasn't a very kind or mature thing to do but we all say things we regret at one time or another.i would apologise to the little girl and tell her you were having a bad day/headache etc so you can clear the air and move on.

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