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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for commenting to my dd about her friend's noisy consumption of her hot chocolate?!

96 replies

onthepier · 07/01/2010 16:36

My dd aged 10, had her friend for a sleepover last weekend, they get on well but I can't help but find this girl irritating. For instance, if I was on the computer, phone or even reading the paper I'd come out of the room to find her hurrying away, I knew full well she'd been lurking by the door each time although she denied it!

Anyway, the children played out in the snow and I made them hot chocolates when they came in. My dd's friend drank hers so NOISILY! It was slurp, slurp and when she started the noisy chomping of the marshmallows something in me snapped! They'd just about finished by then and were eager to get back out in the snow. My dd's friend went first and just before my dd followed I whispered, "Does she normally eat/drink that noisily, it's driving me mad!"

Anyway, I obv didn't realise my dd's friend had hung back, she didn't hear what was said but apparently made my dd repeat it which she did although she felt uncomfortable.
I didn't know any of this until they were back at school and this girl was giving me dirty looks and shouting she didn't like me at the school gate!

I'm feeling bad now as I like her parents and I wouldn't want there to be bad feeling, I'm sure she's told them as they haven't been nearly as chatty to me this week! Was I being unreasonable or is this girl oversensitive?

OP posts:
TigerDrivesAgain · 07/01/2010 20:59

I don't think YABU at all, I would have said something to the child myself, there are a lot of rather overheated posters here over, er, marshmallows.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 07/01/2010 21:03

but the point is Tiger that the OP didn't say anything to the child, she made a bitchy unkind comment to her daughter about the friend. That's the bit people find unreasonable. Many people like manners and don't like noisy eaters but the 'aibu' here is about what the OP did not about whether she liked noisy eaters or not.

TigerDrivesAgain · 07/01/2010 21:05

Well I suppose it was a bit daft making the comment to her DD, but only because of the risk of repetition, I don't think it was rude - it was a private family conversation, I say lots of things about people (good and bad) to my family, I don't do a rudeness check first. I feel sorry for the roasting the OP's had on this thread.

Rolf · 07/01/2010 21:06

You had an eavesdropping chompy slurper over for sleepover in the dead of winter. You are a very restrained and brave woman

Thingiebob · 07/01/2010 21:06

It was a bit mean but I am sure she will get over it!

lollopops · 07/01/2010 21:09

I'm sorry onthepier but I found your post hillarious

Lol @ parents not being so chatty to you. If my child had told me that one of their friend's parents was sulking because he slurrped his chocky, I would be ROFL

DorotheaPlenticlew · 07/01/2010 21:13

Spying is a common game (perhaps a ten year old would call it a hobby) amongst kids of that age and not evidence of weirdness at all. Loads of kids' books revolve around playing at spies and finding out interesting things etc. You can buy pretend spy kit as toys for kids that age; I recall my brother had some.

You are not doing yourself any favours by making faces about it as if this child is somehow weird because she plays at spies. Eavesdropping on mums drinking coffee in the kitchen sounds totally normal to me. Maybe she has an imagination -- ever think of that?

I'm sorry but I still think you sound pretty horrid and I feel sorry for this girl having a friend's mum so obviously dislike her. You still sound like you're disapproving of the fact she behaves like a ten-year-old and not an adult. Children are more perceptive than you seem to think and don't deserve to be judged so harshly.

lollopops · 07/01/2010 21:23

Ten year olds can be very sensitive, especially around the issue of eating etc. There could also be the issue that your 'silent-eating' daughter has told the whole school about her noisy friend.

It's awful to get information second hand stating something negative about you. Imagine if said friend had told you something negative her parents had said about you? It probably feels even worse for a child. Next time she comes around (if she's brave enough), apologise to her and tell her you were being grumpy blah blah.

If you end up babysitting for her younger sibling, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, give her hot chocolate!!

Casmama · 07/01/2010 21:29

Saying something to her directly may have made her think about her slurping -this just made you look childish and probably made it very clear to her you don't like her.

Also "I knew full well she'd been lurking by the door each time although she denied it!"
so on the same visit you accused her of eavesdropping as well. Shame on you - you should make an effort to speak to the child and apologise for upsetting her -you're the adult.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 07/01/2010 21:30

Mooncup, hang on: you think the OP's behaviour was fine because her nasty comment was meant to be behind the child's back; meanwhile, the ten-year-old with the hurt feelings who acts out a bit is the one we should be tutting about? Seems backwards to me; I thought it was the grown-ups who were supposed to set the example.

Nasty remarks behind the back are bad enough, but when you don't even trouble to make sure the child you're bitching about is out of earshot, it's not terribly surprising if they feel upset and angry and do something rude or naughty in response. Obviously the little girl should be told that's not the right way to respond when someone is unpleasant to you; but we're not talking about whether she was BU.

SoupDragon · 07/01/2010 21:31

"I don't think it was rude - it was a private family conversation"

It was not a private family conversation! The girl in question was barely out of earshot!

SoupDragon · 07/01/2010 21:33

"No-one has commented on a 10 year old shouting 'I don't like you' to an adult. I'd be furious if my DS did that."

I don't blame her for shouting that TBH. I would be cross should any child of mine do it until I found out how rude the adult in question had been.

The child is a child. The OP is an adult and should know better.

AgentZigzag · 07/01/2010 21:34

I'm not sure why you've got such a flaming either OP, it's not as if you publically embarassed the lass in front of all her friends about it.

When my two nephews came round for lunch we couldn't believe how they'd been allowed to eat like pigs by their mum. Mouths open, talking with food in their mouths, food all over the floor and table, they're 10 and 13! I said something to my DD after they'd left because I didn't want her to think that it was OK to eat like that.

As to the spying thing, it sounds a bit sly to me. I can't remember exactly what it is, but there's a french saying about people who listen at doors hearing things they don't want to hear. Lots of posters saying she's only 10, no, she's 10 and perhaps should know better.

malovitt · 07/01/2010 21:40

Mooncupflowethover - I did!

I cannot understand some of the the replies on this thread, I really can't. Bitchy, rude, mean?

I always tell my children's friends if they are doing something I consider to be rude or ill-mannered in my house. Not one of them has stopped coming round here and none have repeated the behaviour I asked them to refrain from doing.

OP, imo your only mistake was telling your daughter, not the friend herself.

2snowshoes · 07/01/2010 21:40

yabu and very rude

lockets · 07/01/2010 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

larks35 · 07/01/2010 21:50

If this had happened to me at 10, I would be mortified but also would absolutely hate the adult who had shamed me in that way. However, if that same adult deigned to come into my world and apologise, I would remove the curse to beat all curses that I had previously set upon her.
OP you should apologise and at the same time speak to her about how that slurrrp, slurrrp noise does your head in!

Mooncupflowethover · 07/01/2010 22:01

Yes, I think the OP's behaviour was fine and perfectly normal. How many threads on here have been critical and judgemental? About the way sister's/brothers/friends/acquaintances etc children behave? Thread after thread of criticism, sometimes a whole lot worse than the OP said.

It is normal behaviour to vent, and criticise, we all do it..on here especially. Do you think that anyone who posts something along the lines of, oh, I don't know....my sister's DS/DD is out of control, her parenting's rubbish, I don't want their child near my DD etc....is behaving any differently to the OP?

Do you think that people who post comments on MN intend for them to be read by the person they are commenting about?

The comment wasn't particularly nasty in the grand scheme of things, and as OP say's wasn't intended to be heard by the child.

'I don't blame the child for shouting that tbh'...Give me strength! Over a bloody comment about her slurping? No wonder this country's full of Little Emperor's. I need a lie down.

lockets · 07/01/2010 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CirrhosisByTheSea · 07/01/2010 22:12

no it isn't lockets! I may have regaled my DH with the tale of the slurping girl after child had left but no I wouldn't have said anything in that way which to me, IS unkind and unecessary. Also put the OPs daughter in an awkward situation.

Mooncupflowethover · 07/01/2010 22:13

"Does she normally eat/drink that noisily, it's driving me mad!" ...Am I really the only person who thinks that, whilst not complimentary, is hardly a derogatory comment worthy of all this venom.

Her DD's friend had gone ahead and hadn't actually HEARD the comment.

This thread is starting to wind me up now!! For the first time ever I am actually wound up on MN, and over a hot chocolate related incident!!

OP YANBU.

SoupDragon · 07/01/2010 22:17

It is not normal behaviour to make rude comments about a child when they are barely out of earshot.

Talking literally just behind someone is not the same as posting a thread on MN.

You seriously don't think it natural for a child to hate an adult who has embarrassed her in front of/to a friend? It's got nothing to do with "Little Emperor's"

SoupDragon · 07/01/2010 22:20

It is perfectly acceptable to correct a child's behaviour. It is not acceptable to whisper to their friend about it just out of earshot.

pigletmania · 07/01/2010 22:29

It is not normal to make a bitchy comment behind the childs back to her 10 year old dd, what example is that setting that gossiping is ok! what would have been fine is if the op had told the girl directly to drink more quietly as she as being a bit noisy.

Saltire · 07/01/2010 22:32

rainrain - I have mentioned it to him - tactfully. But he has problems with his teeht and is waiting to be seen by orthodontist, so I try not to make a big issue out of it - we are having a lot of problems with Ds1 at the minute and i think this would exacerbate them