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AIBU?

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Original poster

I didn't ask future sil to be bridesmaid..

76 replies

PrammyMammy · 05/01/2010 21:07

I am all new to this. So i could be missing something. We are planning a wedding for May 2011 (ages away still). But we have already started looking for reception venues, told our chapel, spoken about themes/flowers and set an over all budget plus individual ones, the individual budgets take into consideration the dresses for bridesmaids, i didn't have to think twice about who my bridesmaids would be (my sis and 2 best friends), and it didn't cross my mind that my sil would have to be one. She doesn't really talk to me, and even brought a 30 year old guy (she is 18) back to our house at halloween, and done who knows what in my kitchen and bathroom (but i had to wash sweaty fake tan smudges and hand marks off the wall). Tbh we don't ever speak, i am 23 so it isn't even like i am a scary older lady to her, i have invited her shopping a few times in the past and have always been turned down. But dp's mum asked about her being bm, is it something that just goes without saying, are all Fsil's bridesmaids?

OP posts:
2rebecca · 05/01/2010 21:10

I had my sister and my cousin and husband's cousin (who were early teenage girls and very keen to be bridesmaids) at my first wedding, none at second civil wedding. Never occurred to me to ask first husband's sister.
I mainly think of it as a young girl thing, with sister or close female friend as chief bridesmaid.

samsonthecat · 05/01/2010 21:11

No mine wasn't but she nearly refused to come because of it It never occurred to me either to ask her.

compo · 05/01/2010 21:12

No
don't ask her if you don't want her
my best mate asked her future sil, I think her then dp thought it was proper
now her sil is getting married and hasn't asked herbin return so she needn't have bothered

Sparklyblue · 05/01/2010 21:12

No, definitely not. You can have who you wish.
I am at the sweaty fake tan smudges and hand marks. Yuk. Poor you.

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 05/01/2010 21:14

Your wedding, you ask who you want to be your BM.

DaftApeth · 05/01/2010 21:14

I wanted little (naughty) bridesmaids and page boys but I did have them from both sides of the family i.e. mine and dh's.

Maybe have a word with your sil and ask if she would like to be a bridesmaid. She may say no, of course.

Sparklyblue · 05/01/2010 21:15

I forgot to say. It sounds like she has no respect for you. So don't feel like you have to ask her.

Original poster
PrammyMammy · 05/01/2010 21:22

Phew, i thought i had broken an unwritten rule. Have been looking on google for said rule the past 20 minutes or so. I do have a 4 year old flower girl, but there are no teens in our family, except my brother at 16.
Thank you all.

OP posts:
MortaIWombat · 05/01/2010 21:24

I was browbeaten into having mine. Hated it. Don't do it.

neenz · 05/01/2010 21:28

I didn't have my SIL as my bridesmaid, but I didn't have any of my three sisters either.

It's your wedding, your decision, but these things do tend to kick off so if you are not that bothered either way I would ask her and give her the option to say no (which she might do).

If you are bothered then just don't ask her.

CURLYMAMMA · 05/01/2010 21:30

I did not ask mine, (did not occur to me) but it turned out my MIL added this insult to her list of my crimes against her.

santaschristmascakeywakey · 05/01/2010 21:31

I had my two sisters but not my SIL - but her husband was an usher and she gave one of the readings. I only wanted my sisters and it was my decision to make. My MIL would have loved her DD to be one, but don't think SIL was too fussed.

wonderingwondering · 05/01/2010 21:36

Well, she's only 18, it is her brother's wedding... if she wants to be a bridesmaid, why not? It's a kind thing to do, esp if you are already having other grown-up bridesmaids. Otherwise, why not ask her to be an usher or do a reading?

18 is still quite young, she's still involved with her family, so she will probably feel her brother married more than an older person with their own family would.

I sometimes think that taking into account your and your new family's feelings in planning a wedding, rather than just your and your DP's wishes, makes for a happier marriage. Because you are becoming part of a wider family, and acknowledging that from the start is no bad thing.

JaneS · 05/01/2010 21:41

Er ... looking at your OP, it seems it's only your partner's mum who's brought this up. Who knows if the girl herself wants to do it? I ended up as a bridesmaid for my cousin's wife - a woman I'd met all of twice - all because my aunt 'thought it would be nice'.

Don't listen to the older generation on this one, it's your decision and unless the girl herself is dying to be a bridesmaid, I'd just be simple and ignore what's being said.

Original poster
PrammyMammy · 05/01/2010 21:45

Wondering, sorry, i don't really understand the last part of,

"18 is still quite young, she's still involved with her family, so she will probably feel her brother married more than an older person with their own family would."

But yes, i probably would have asked already if i felt there was any spark of friendship there. What is an usher? A reading is a good idea, i thought that was someones own decision to make, didn't realize people were asked. Told you i am new to this lol.

OP posts:
lilolilmanchester · 05/01/2010 21:47

another view point... yes, the bride gets to choose the bridesmaids, but it is not just your wedding is it?? Speaking as a SIL who wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid, it is quite hurtful when your brother, your best pal, is getting married and you are shut out of it (whereas if I'd been his brother, rather than sister, I could have been an usher at least). But it is your decision, and I don't want you to feel bad, just wanted you to see it from the other side.

Casmama · 05/01/2010 21:47

It's entirely your choice who your bridesmaids are and I would think it may take a little of the shine of your day to be stuck with this incommunicative and selfish girl - much more fun with just your sis and friends. I would nip this in the bud quickly and make sure your future MIL knows that she is not going to be asked in case someone gets the wrong end of the stick. Have a fab day when it comes.

Washersaurus · 05/01/2010 21:48

OMG I ended up with with loads of bridesmaids after being guilt tripped into asking. I still don't talk to my brother and his wife now really after they kicked up such a fuss about my niece being one (which she was in the end) - I don't think my niece actually could have cared less tbh.

I don't think you can win, whatever you choose to do someone will be offended by something

ChloeHandbag · 05/01/2010 21:50

Yes, I did as well as lots of little ones. Tbh I only did it as she was desparate to meet a man and I hoped it would help (obviously I didn't put her in horrible dress).

It didn't.

I don't think you have to.

moomaa · 05/01/2010 21:51

I had my husbands neices and a nephew as a page boy, partly because I thought they would like it, partly because I wanted to make a point of joining the two families. I don't see the harm in asking whoever wants to be involved. It's not a biggie to ask her is it?

So says the woman who had 7 bridesmaids and a page boy (Yes I did pay for their stuff, but it was all from BHS).

Original poster
PrammyMammy · 05/01/2010 21:51

lilol, thanks, good to hear it from the other side. They are not best mates, they hardly speak, she doesn't really say much ever. It isn't just my day, but i asked my dp and he just shrugged lol.

OP posts:
wonderingwondering · 05/01/2010 21:51

I mean that if you are all living as a family, when your older brother leaves home/gets married, you feel the 'departure' from the family. I did.

But when my younger brother got married (I was settled with DP by then), I didn't feel that sense of disruption to my family life. So I wasn't bridesmaid then, but I wasn't bothered at all. I had been bridesmaid for my older brother.

An usher would greet guests at the chapel, show them to seats, hand out orders of service, help shepherd people for photos, drinks etc. Depends what your SIL is like.

You ask someone to do a reading in the service, otherwise it's just the vicar who would speak during the service.

santaschristmascakeywakey · 05/01/2010 21:52

Ushers show people to their seats in the church, make sure people can get to the reception if it's somewhere else, and generally help the groom and best man out.

At our wedding, we chose the readings and asked special people to read them on the day. It was nice to get so many people involved.

If you haven't found it already, www.confetti.co.uk is really helpful. I also borrowed some handy books from the library. Have fun with the planning - and try to enjoy it as much as you can

pigletmania · 05/01/2010 21:53

You have who you want as bridesmaid not who says you should. Yes i did have my SIL because i am an only child with no other sisters (well a half sister that i do not speak to) and my SIL is like a sister to me, so lovely and kind and caring so it went without saying that she would be bm as i get on so well with her. If i were in your situation i would not have her as bm.

moomaa · 05/01/2010 21:54

Also, my mum wasn't a bridesmaid for her SIL and was gutted and still mentions it occasionally. If she says yes all you have to do is tell MIL to take her to a couple of dress fittings and have her walk up the aisle with you. She doesn't have to get ready with you.