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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I didn't ask future sil to be bridesmaid..

76 replies

PrammyMammy · 05/01/2010 21:07

I am all new to this. So i could be missing something. We are planning a wedding for May 2011 (ages away still). But we have already started looking for reception venues, told our chapel, spoken about themes/flowers and set an over all budget plus individual ones, the individual budgets take into consideration the dresses for bridesmaids, i didn't have to think twice about who my bridesmaids would be (my sis and 2 best friends), and it didn't cross my mind that my sil would have to be one. She doesn't really talk to me, and even brought a 30 year old guy (she is 18) back to our house at halloween, and done who knows what in my kitchen and bathroom (but i had to wash sweaty fake tan smudges and hand marks off the wall). Tbh we don't ever speak, i am 23 so it isn't even like i am a scary older lady to her, i have invited her shopping a few times in the past and have always been turned down. But dp's mum asked about her being bm, is it something that just goes without saying, are all Fsil's bridesmaids?

OP posts:

ImSoNotTelling · 05/01/2010 21:54

I had my DHs sis as one of my 2 bridesmaids. Just asked DH and we can't remember who suggested it, someone must've though it'd never have occured to me. She is very shy and I'd never really spoken to her, but she wanted to do it and so that was fine (she was about 20 at the time).

TBH if she wants to do it why not? I don't think it will take any "shine" off anything especially as you have 4 other bridesmaids.

Since the wedding my SIL has slowly relaxed with me, and now we get on well, and she is brilliant with the DDs, babysits etc for us. So really i would say that if she wants to do it let her, better to start a marriage with family happy than potentially pissing off MIL and/or SIL right at the start.

Weddings are a minefield though

LittleMrsHappy · 05/01/2010 21:55

I would not ask her to be a bridesmaid "just because she is dh sister"

A wedding is a intimate ceremony and declaring to the world that you want to make a commitment to each for life.

You wedding is one day that its all about the commitment to each other and outside people forget that.

Just because she is family you have no obligation to include her in it, its a decision that you and you can only make, and if anybody disagrees with your wedding decision, just remind them that the most important part of the day is the ceremony.

lilolilmanchester · 05/01/2010 21:55

that said, I had similar probs with my wedding.... could have had 5 adult friends plus 2 LOs, felt it was far too many and couldn't choose between the adults so just had the little flower girls. Solved one problem, but meant I had no girlfriends with me on the morning of the wedding, which was a bummer. Didn't have a SIL at that time so one less thing to think about!!! Oh, and I am sure my DB wouldn't have given a toss whether I was his bridesmaid or not, but I did find it hurtful not to be asked - and was a lot older than 18!

Original poster

PrammyMammy · 05/01/2010 21:59

Thanks wondering, i had no clue, i thought readings were like gifts from people. I am meeting our priest tomorrow so will be taught a little.
Don't think she could be an usher really, she doesn't seem to communicate with people except her friends, even when her mum brings her to visit she brings friends and they just sit in their own world.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 05/01/2010 21:59

It is your special day you have who you want, there is no rule, i only had my SIL because she is so lovely and i knew her well.

ImSoNotTelling · 05/01/2010 22:00

Thinking about it more, I suppose teh point is that your SIL will be your SIL in 10, 20, 40 years time. She will not always be a flighty betanned teen shagging in your bathroom. She will grow up and mature, probably have children of her own, and you will be a part of her family for all that time. Your children will be a part of her life.

Whereas the wedding itself is just one day.

Original poster

PrammyMammy · 05/01/2010 22:02

Thank you for that website! i am off to have a nosey.

OP posts:

ImSoNotTelling · 05/01/2010 22:04

Ushers are normally blokes she might not be impressed if you asked her to do that!

Readings good also signing register good thing to get people involved. We had 1 reading and 2 people sign register so that handled my bro and one of DH other close relatives.

If you asked her to do a reading or sign register she would probably be chuffed. Mind you if she is tanned type maybe is type to really want to be bridesmaid?

You need to look online and there are books with all the etiquette in, it's all a bit complex and a bit involved and silly TBH. Like who sits where at the top table if you're doing it traditional style.

LittleMrsHappy · 05/01/2010 22:07

The wedding itself might just be one day, but its one of life biggest commitment to each other and a memory that will always be know to you.
shes going to grow up irrespective if she is a bridesmaid or not, that's life.

A wedding hopefully is one that you only get to do once in a lifetime, so keep it about you nd your wants and needs.

Not because you feel obligated to do something you dont want to do.

lilolilmanchester · 05/01/2010 22:07

it would be nice if you could find some way of including her, either doing the reading (which might not be her thing if she's not very communicative) or signing the register - could you think about something like that? I can fully understand your not wanting to have someone as a bridesmaid who you are not close to, but would be lovely to involve her.

LittleMrsHappy · 05/01/2010 22:09

sorry about my lack of sentence structure, I spilled coke on my laptop and some of the keys are temperamental

thesecondcoming · 05/01/2010 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 05/01/2010 22:14

I only had one bridesmaid (my 20-something best friend and uni housemate). I didn't ask any of my other uni housemates who I was equally good friends with, nor did I ask family. I though that just buying one dress would mean Kelly could choose exactly what she wanted to wear plus we just couldn't afford more. Kelly was also able to get me to/from the hairdressers, into my dress and scoop me up from the floor (whilst simultaneously saving my hair from disaster) when I fainted.

However, DH's grandad stirred up a row after saying that DH's 10yo cousin (grandad's fav grand-daughter) was expecting to be a bridesmaid too. We made it clear that I was having one bridesmaid due to cost and actually if I'd had one cousin, I would have had to ask all the others too. I think it's okay to draw the line somewhere and we used cost as our limiter. However, I think I would have been quite stressed with a young bridesmaid I didn't really know, she would have needed a fair bit of looking after.

Maybe you could give your future SIL another role or a way she could help out?

ImSoNotTelling · 05/01/2010 22:16

We will have to agree to disagree there mrshappy!

I take a long view on these things maybe, and see marriages as the coming together of 2 people and their families, as a big celebration for everyone.

Marriage and in-laws are for life, and to risk upsetting them right from the off for something that is so easy to do, it doesn't really make sense to me.

When I realised that having DSIL as bridesmaid was something I should do, I was pretty as I didn't know her at all. But now I am very glad that I did. Ad for the OP, with 4 other bridesmaids it really isn't a big deal. If OP could only have one and was having to ditch her mate to accomodate SIL that would be different. But in this case the more the merrier and everyone's happy I reckon.

ChippingIn · 05/01/2010 22:19

When she comes to visit she brings her friends and they sit in the corner by themselves - charming.

Her 30 odd year bloke & her left lovely fake tan marks all over your house - charming.

She sounds like she'd be a nightmare bridesmaid. If she was that keen to be involved I'm sure she'd of made it known by now! Dp's Mum asking is not the same thing!

When my brother got married I was grateful they didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid. I certainly didn't expect it or feel put out they didn't ask. They asked me if I wanted to do a reading - but a) Public speaking really isn't my thing & b) Why thefuck are you doing this - probably wouldn't have made the ideal reading...

If you are getting the guilts you could always sound her out - but don't ask outright as she might feel obliged to say yes, then squirm/sulk whatever you call that most annoying teenage thing of being able to hide whilst still being there....

alicet · 05/01/2010 22:21

I am with those who say find her something else for her to do to let her feel special and included.

To me a bridesmaid isn't just someone to follow you up the aisle either. It was about having my closest female friends and my sister with me the night before and morning before the wedding to have a giggle and some bubbly with, to relax together, get dolled up and generally have a lovely girlie time. Just wouldn't have been the same with someone stuck there that i wasn't close to.

If over the coming 18 months or so you become closer to her there would be nothing stopping you inviting her to come and get ready with you all either would there but if things don't change much you could find her something else to do like signing the register or a reading. Or for a something borrowed.

Original poster

PrammyMammy · 05/01/2010 22:22

I have 3 other BMs, or does a flower girl count as a BM? (confusing stuff). It's not the more the merrier though. I have 4 best friends who i have known forever. Only two of them will be my BMs (2 out of the 4 are twins but only 1 twin is a bm), the other is my sister (who is my next door neighbour and best friend) I've known my bms as long as my sister. I just don't know. I will look into readings, that sounds like a really nice idea.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 05/01/2010 22:24

Its personal choice, if the op really does not want to have her future sil as bridesmaid and does not get on with her than why should she just because she is marrying her brother. Yes its nice if she did but really if she is not a nice person than she does not have to.

LittleMrsHappy · 05/01/2010 22:25

I also take a long view on this things ISNT, marriage is about the joining of two families, and in a ideal world it would be a bed of roses.

but reality is a wedding is a party for some family members and for some to wear a pretty dress etc.... its not about the commitment that two people in love make to each other.

Also weddings cost money, and unfortunately you have to make decisions that some will not be happy about. That's life at the end of the day.

Its the OP mil who asked said about her dd being BM, and as I say again, she might be family, but you have no obligation to them and their wants!

Muser · 05/01/2010 22:27

I had my two s-i-ls as bridesmaids, but I'm not going to be their bridesmaid. You really don't have to ask her if you don't want to. I did because (1)I really like them, (2)I knew they'd be helpful in the run up, (3)I only have one sister and my best friend isn't the dressy type and (4)I knew how much they wanted to be bridesmaids!

If you don't have good reasons, don't ask her.

pigletmania · 05/01/2010 22:31

As the op said its not just someone to walk up the aisle with and wear a pretty dress, a bm to me is someone who cares about you, someone to have a laught with before the wedding and someone to look out for you on your day, this girl is totally the wrong choice and I myself would never have someone that i do not particularly get on with or like. i dont think that SIL will be bothered for now or the future. Yes find something else that she could do to make her a bit involved like being a witness or a female usher with a nice dress to wear so that she feels included.

pigletmania · 05/01/2010 22:33

It sounds as though your future sIL will not hold it against you.

ImSoNotTelling · 05/01/2010 22:37

OP asked for opinions and that is mine. I don't think that having my future SIL as a bridesmaid adversely affected the commitment that DH and I made to each other, even though i didn't really know her. I thought that if she wanted to do it then why not, it made her happy, which is a good thing. It was an easy gift for me to give her.

Anyway, that is my view and there is no point in discussing as these wedding threads usually end up with fairly intractable positions. I did want to tell the OP of my positive experience with this, and that it might be the diplomatic thing to do, benefitting future relationships - as balance to the "your wedding your choice" line.

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 05/01/2010 22:42

Sorry i ahven't read all the replies.

When I got married I asked my brothers fiance to be a bridesmaid. When they got married she didn't ask me. It bother my mum hugely, mainly cause she'd always thoguth we would both be in each tohers weddings. It certainly didn't bother me as much. You might find this is how it is in this situation.

dopeydoot · 05/01/2010 22:43

just a warning about asking her to witness you signing the register...

My mum was incredibly upset when I asked my sister to be my witness - she hadn't wanted to be my bridesmaid (she'd got a baby at the time and thought it better to be looking after her), although she did do the thing 'grown up' bridesmaid thing of coming with me to the hairdresser in the morning and having her hair done too (which was nice, also meant her dh had to look after the baby for a while and she got a bit of a break and a treat which she doesn't get very often).

Apparently, you are 'supposed to' have your mum be your witness . I have been to quite a few weddings, a few have had one or other parent (including my sister had my mum) but plenty more didn't.

dh's parents are divorced and it was the first time they were going to be in the same place for well over 10 years so he didn't want to choose his mum (who he is much closer to than his dad) and be seen to be doing favourites amongst parents so he had chosen his best man as his witness. I then thought that I'd choose my sis so she would have a role and avoid having it looking a bit odd with one parent, one friend.

Still don't think I have been forgiven!

Mind you, still haven't ever seen anyone or any wedding website/book/magazine suggest that the witnesses be anyone other than who you want them to be, and certainly not 'got to be your mother'

good luck - it's fun organising a wedding but so many people have unspoken assumptions that they assume will apply to all weddings or that they found the 'best way' and therefore everyone will want to do what they did, that it can be a minefield to manage everybody's expectations and end up with the day that you really want!

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