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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I didn't ask future sil to be bridesmaid..

76 replies

PrammyMammy · 05/01/2010 21:07

I am all new to this. So i could be missing something. We are planning a wedding for May 2011 (ages away still). But we have already started looking for reception venues, told our chapel, spoken about themes/flowers and set an over all budget plus individual ones, the individual budgets take into consideration the dresses for bridesmaids, i didn't have to think twice about who my bridesmaids would be (my sis and 2 best friends), and it didn't cross my mind that my sil would have to be one. She doesn't really talk to me, and even brought a 30 year old guy (she is 18) back to our house at halloween, and done who knows what in my kitchen and bathroom (but i had to wash sweaty fake tan smudges and hand marks off the wall). Tbh we don't ever speak, i am 23 so it isn't even like i am a scary older lady to her, i have invited her shopping a few times in the past and have always been turned down. But dp's mum asked about her being bm, is it something that just goes without saying, are all Fsil's bridesmaids?

OP posts:

pigletmania · 05/01/2010 22:43

Fair enough ISNT its up to the op to look at these replies and do what she feels right.

lilolilmanchester · 05/01/2010 22:53

dopeydoot, have never been to a wedding where a Mum (or Dad) has been a witness. Am sure if it had been the done thing where/when we got married I'd have known about it!!!!

dopeydoot · 05/01/2010 22:53

oh and beware of stating just cost as being the issue if it is only part of the issue.

You may find that if someone is determined to be (or have their daughter be) bridesmaid, they will offer to pay for the outfit and then they think that they are in. If it is the cost and more, then make sure that they know that even if there is a way around the cost they still will not be bridesmaid.

Have you got any brothers/cousins/male relatives or friends that your dh (to be!) is going to have as ushers? If not, you can at least try the 'my bridesmaids, his ushers' line to reinforce that you have each chosen your own retinue for the day!

shockers · 05/01/2010 23:10

Nope... best friends and little relatives seem to be the norm!

Are you from Wales?

Original poster

PrammyMammy · 05/01/2010 23:16

No, i'm from Scotland. As someone said above, it might just be dps mum wondering, i won't say anything to them, dp just said it was up to me and shrugged it off so all if fine. I just wondered if there was something i'd missed.

OP posts:

lindy100 · 06/01/2010 08:19

I always had exactly in mind who my bm's would be - three bf's from various points in my life.

When we got engaged, that very day it occurred to me that it would be really nice to have SIL too. So I did.

But not until we were actually engaged (and I had been anticipating this quite vocally for a few months ) did I think of it. I'm glad I did, but SIL and get on v well; if I hadn't it would've been my decision.

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 06/01/2010 08:25

I think you should ask her. It is a small concession. You are acknowledging his sister as part of the family you are joining.
There is a big difference between the 18 year old she is now, and the near 20 year old she will be at the time of the wedding.

piscesmoon · 06/01/2010 08:39

I wouldn't ask her. It doesn't stop you being friendly and getting to know her in the future.

NobodyKnowsIAmACat · 06/01/2010 08:46

I agree with others re: finding another way of making her part of the day. I don't really know her well enough to have wanted her to be my bm, but as she is quite flamboyant and into am dram, I asked her to do a reading as I knew she'd do this well. My BIL was best man, and I knew she'd feel hurt if she didn't have a role of some sort!

NobodyKnowsIAmACat · 06/01/2010 08:47

Sorry, makes no sense! Was referring to my own SIL of course

ChocHobNob · 06/01/2010 08:54

My SIL was a bridesmaid for me. Her 3 daughters were too ... along with my sister and 2 cousins. I asked her because I got on really well with her. If I had very little contact with her then I wouldn't have.

The bridesmaids were "my" choice and the ushers my husband (to be)'s. That's how we worked it.

LittleMrsHappy · 06/01/2010 09:36

I never once implied that by the OP having her SIL as a BM, would cause a diverse affect on their relationship but anyho.

congratulations OP and I am sure something will work out for the best. (from a fellow scot lol) x

KimiLovesHerFamily · 06/01/2010 09:42

There is no need to have your Fsil as a brifesmaid, unless she was one of your closest friends.
Do not be pushed in to having her if you do not want her

PiggyPenguin · 06/01/2010 09:49

Ok, I think I have to disagree with you here. Why is it natural for you to ask your sisters, but not to ask his? I have brothers but no sisters and to be honest if one of my sils had had their sisters but not me to be their bridesmaid I would have been hurt, and thought her selfish. It is not your wedding. It is you and your soon-to-be dh's wedding and she is his sister - just as close a relation as your sisters.

At least do the decent thing and ask her.

TrillianAstra · 06/01/2010 09:49

DP's sister is getting married this year. Neither of us is in the wedding at all. We're quite happy with this, less stress and all.

No-one should presume that they (or their daughters!) will be or should be a bridesmaid.

Yes, she will grow up and you might be very close later in life. As it is, she's not currently a person you want to be heavily involved.

PiggyPenguin · 06/01/2010 09:54

Also, I just want to ask this. In ten years time when she gets married. If you have two beautiful little girls who are desperate to be flower girls by then, will you be upset if she excludes them from her bridesmaids? Because it will of course, by your precedent, be her choice to do so.

It just seems so harsh to me, to start married life by excluding rather than including people.

LadyBiscuit · 06/01/2010 09:54

But the bridesmaids are for the bride - the clue is in the name. You should have the people you want as your bridesmaids - whether that's your sister, your friends or your Auntie Gladys. It's your wedding - if you capitulate now over something your MIL wants, you are letting yourself in for a world of pain.

Original poster

PrammyMammy · 06/01/2010 10:06

It was a natural choice to ask my own sister and not dp's because we are friends, and respect each other, and she is a part of my every day life, it didn't occur to me to ask my Fsil because she is none of the above. No my daughters not being her flower girls wouldn't bother me, when i was growing up i had lots of cousins and all of us were never bridesmaids at once, imo it is their own choice.

OP posts:

SE13Mummy · 06/01/2010 10:18

I have two brothers and my husband has two sisters - they each offered to do various things but in the end we asked all four siblings to be ushers. It was helpful to have ushers from both sides of the family as it meant that random relatives were at least recognised by someone!

Since then I've done a reading at my brother's wedding and one at my sister-in-law's. My brother actually asked if I expected to be a bridesmaid at his wedding and I was surprised as at the time I hardly knew his wife-to-be and I said that I'd have declined because I feel bridesmaids should be chosen by the bride for the support etc. they will offer on the day/in the run up to the wedding.

I do think finding a role somewhere in the service/reception for you FSIL would be prudent but it could be something like doing the make-up for the mothers or the flowegirls' hair and then including a thank-you to her in the service sheet/speech.

pigletmania · 06/01/2010 10:23

Good idea SE13 does not have to be a bridesmaid but giving out buttonholes and orders or service, or helping you with make up or whatever.

Original poster

PrammyMammy · 06/01/2010 10:29

helping with make up is a scary thought, but yes i would give her something to do anyway, i'll figure it out. It was only her mum that asked anyway, not her, it could be her worst nightmare.

OP posts:

cat64 · 06/01/2010 10:35

This reply has been deleted

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2rebecca · 06/01/2010 10:36

Bridemaids are supposed to be looking after and chosen by the bride though. They usually come more from, the bride's side of the family.
I've never been a bridesmaid and I'm amazed adults get so het up about it. I think of being a bridemaid as the bride's equivalent of the best man (although my cousin had his sister as best man so that doesn't have to be a man), not relatives you rarely see and don't like much.
Can't remember who witnessed signatures at either of my wedding and am amazed anyone cares.
I'm also not a big fan of the weddings being about joining 2 families stuff.
I got married because I loved my husbands and wanted to be with them. Yes they had families but their extended family and mine are still 2 seperate families. It's nice if you get on with inlaws but it's not essential.

pigletmania · 06/01/2010 10:40

Mabey just giving out programmes and buttonholes

bobblehat · 06/01/2010 10:55

Can you not put the decision off a while. She's sounds like quite a young 18yo, and there is the chance she will change. Could you say to MIL I haven't even thought about bm's yet, there's so much else to organise, so if in a few months time your feelings change you can then include her.

For the record I only had dh's 7yo niece as bm, was slightly pushed into it, but glad i had her.

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