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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

in not wanting BIL to stay with us for 6 weeks?

76 replies

Saucepanman · 04/01/2010 19:46

Will try to reveal all relevant info so as not to BU by stealth!

A month or two ago DH said that BIL "would have" to stay with us in Jan for 6 weeks, as the caravan site that he is staying at where FIL lives (a whole other story) closes. Nothing had been mentioned since, and I assumed he had found somewhere else. Last night DH mentions he will be coming next week- cue me going apeshit, for a number of reasons.

We do not have a spare room, so will have to put 4yo dd's bed in 7yo ds's bedroom. They will not be able to get to sleep, as will mess about and chat. BIL apparently bringing a bed with him so will have to clear everything out of dd's room and put it god knows where. We cannot afford to keep him for 6 weeks re food etc, and he will not offer, but will expect to be fed. I am pg and have only just started feeling better. I will feel uncomfortable in my own home, I was ironing last night in my PJs after a shower, no bra etc and pointed out that I will not be able to do this. Oh and BIL doesn't really speak to me that much, which will be fun.

The main thing that is pissing me off is that I would not say no, and have him homeless, but DH refuses to see my point of view. I am not saying he cannot come, but am so annoyed that he hasn't even asked, just said he will "need" to stay, and presumably hasn't made any attempts to make other arrangements. I suggested him staying for 2 or even 3 weeks, but DH will not suggest this. I saw BIL and SIL twice over xmas, and neither even thought to mention it, even to say "thanks for this, we know you don't really have the room, and it isn't a great time."

Anyway AIBU? My mum says I can't say no (which I wouldn't have dreamt of) but also doesn't see why he can't ask anyone else with spare room. They have several auntys and uncles with pare rooms nearby, and he has friends too. Also he won't be going home to his family at weekends as they live in Ireland. I am dreading the whole thing, and DH is being really horrible, says I am nasty and how would I feel if my mum needs to move in with us in her old age and he says no. Which is an entirely different matter imo and has added to my general lividness.

OP posts:
PeedOffWithNits · 04/01/2010 19:51

YANBU IMO

at the very least you need some ground rules about him paying his way if not financially then by doing chores. you don't need an extra body to run around after while pg

and family or not, your DH should not expect this to be automatic - it will be very disruptive to your kids and your routine.

if there is someone else who can take him, they should offer.

compo · 04/01/2010 19:52

Where will the baby eventually sleep? Won't two of your dcs eventually have to share anyway?

But no yanbu, you poor thing, why won't dh make him pay his way? Is sil staying too?

LittleSilver · 04/01/2010 19:53

YAN at all U.

Your DH and BiL otoh, are.

moondog · 04/01/2010 19:56

Christ no,I wouldn't conside having him for a minute.
Sounds hideous.

pooexplosions · 04/01/2010 20:15

Is he a child, or somehow incapable of looking after himself? How is it up to anyone to look after him?

Earlybird · 04/01/2010 20:22

Setting your own feelings aside for a momnt.....why in the world does your dh think this will be OK? Based on your descriptions of space limitations, budget constraints etc, it seems a very bad idea. Why does your dh not get this?

AmericanHag · 04/01/2010 20:26

YANBU. I doubt your BIL would be homeless if you didn't cave in, he's just taking advantage. If you do say no, and you certainly should, he will find another way.

You already have enough children to raise. You don't need to raise your BIL too. Be firm with your husband that this is NOT happening.

almostreal · 04/01/2010 20:43

YANBU and with your DH and his brothers bad attitudes I would say no he isn't welcome, especially if there are other relatives he could stay with. I don't allow ANYONE including my husband to issue demands and expect them to be met without question.

ZacharyQuack · 04/01/2010 21:00

Did you say anything when your DH first mentioned this a month ago?

Vallhala · 04/01/2010 21:07

YANBU. AT ALL. I haven't a clue how to resolve the issue (I'd just say no, point blank, but I don't suppose thats of any help to you), but goodness I feel for you.

MadamDeathstare · 04/01/2010 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dopeydoot · 04/01/2010 22:37

Completely think you are nbu.

Do you want to do the cooking for him? Or his laundry or anything else?

In which case, can you figure out some house rules in advance -

  • this is your space/shelf in the fridge/cupboard for your food for you to cook, I've carefully budgeted/portioned ours so please don't touch. COuld actively invite him to share a sunday lunch or something with you to differentiate... OUr meal times tend to be at xx o'clock so I'll need to be cooking around then, otherwise feel free to use the cooker
  • who gets to choose what & when to watch on tv
  • daughter still gets to go in her room to get her stuff when she needs it - you are just camping in there
  • you can use the iron if I am not using it
  • you can use the washing machine it it is not in use but please check that I don't need to do an urgent wash of things for school the next day
or whatever...

sorry, they are a bit abrupt, am too tired to think of how to say things nicely!

but you get the picture. set things out to start with so that he is not expecting to be waited on hand and foot.

can you ask him to just bring a camp bed with him or blow up mattress or something that he can roll away during the day so that your dd can use her room to carry on playing in?

Could you ask the relatives nearby to see if you can organise a rota for him - week with you, week with auntie ann, week with uncle bob, and just present it to him fait acompli?

Does he know that you are pregnant - and does he understand what that really means to you and how you feel on a day to day basis? and does your dh for that matter? (well, am assuming he knows you are pg, just the understanding bit )

bringing your mum into the argument is a mean thing to do, classic diversionary tactic to throw light away from the fact that he is being unreasonable. which also shows that he knows at some level he is being unreasonable!

is your dh looking forward to him being there and thinking that he is going to have a nice lads time, conveniently ignoring his family responsiblities?

good luck and hope something gets sorted out so that you are not lumbered for such a long time!

annh · 04/01/2010 22:42

Hang on, if the caravan site is closing how do you know he will be gone after 6 weeks? What is going to happen then? If FIL also lives there, where is HE going and why can BIL not go with him?

Littlefish · 04/01/2010 22:48

annh - if it is a static caravan site, then they all close for a period every year, and all residents have to leave.

shockers · 04/01/2010 22:49

I know people who live on caravan sites that close for 6 weeks in jan/feb. They all go to Spain on a cheap deal for that period each year because they know the rules of the caravan site when they move there.
He can't have it all ways... live cheaply for most of the year and free for 6 weeks!

EightiesChick · 04/01/2010 22:49

And won't this happen again next year if it's a seasonal closure?

YANBU at all. Too long a stay. And no-one gets to bring a bed with them when they stay! Just don't clear the room and tell him there is no space for the bed and it'll have to go in the shed / garden / on the pavement for people to steal if he brings it.

Oh, and just don't cook for him.

golgi · 04/01/2010 22:59

YANBU

I like the rota idea, also agree that you need to get the rules sorted.

Don't cook for him, don't let him eat your food, and negotiate a share of the bills.

My mum and dad have some friends who live on a caravan site, they are going to stay with them for six weeks - but they were invited, are not expecting to be fed and are going to contribute to household expenses during that time.

Doesn't seem reasonable at all that one of your children loses their bedroom. I would suggest they stay put, supply camp bed in living room for BIL and wake him up nice and early every morning.

Don't make him too comfy, or he'll want to come every year!

annh · 04/01/2010 23:02

Thanks for the clarification on the 6 week thing. Mind you, as someone else mentioned, that does raise the question of whether he will expect this to become a regular fixture in years to come?

MadamDeathstare · 04/01/2010 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbleBells · 04/01/2010 23:15

YANBU - your DH is being a bit of a git for not seeing your POV here. As you haven't said No, and said that you wouldn't have said no, his comment re. your Mum is uncalled for.

If it were me, I would leave looking after the BIL to your DH. He's not your responsibility. As for the food, YOU ask him for a contribution if you are the household budgeter and food buyer - send him out to the shops to get stuff. Make him earn his keep - if he's not paying rent, he can do other stuff.

I would be extremely unimpressed if my DH just "told" me that any of his family were staying for a weekend, let alone 6 weeks! Where is the partnership in this??

MadamDeathstare · 04/01/2010 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Saucepanman · 05/01/2010 00:08

Thanks all, am so glad you feel that was because you'll love this update! Caught his wife on facebook earlier and had the following conversation:

Me: do you know what date BIL is coming to stay here?
Her: No I don't
Me: Well can you ask him?
Her: He said the site is closing on the 14th so I imagine around then
Me: Well Obv will need to know exact date
Her: Any reason why?

[FFS emoticon]

and still no mention of even, oh thanks for having him btw.

Am posting this quick then will answer points, pc is on the blink a bit and have lost reply once already!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 05/01/2010 00:12

Whoah! He has a wife? Why is he not going to stay with her???

Saucepanman · 05/01/2010 00:30

compo yes 2 of the dc will eventually share, but as ds has the bigger room I was thinking one of them plus baby, depending on if boy or girl. DS bed and dd bed will be a squeeze, to say the least.

TBF dh has said no don't cook for him, he can do his own, but I wonder if it will work out like that. My friend as suggested like one of you, to clear out a cupboard and say this is for your groceries. I don't wish to be churlish and not include him if I am cooking, but I know he will just take the piss even further, it won't even occur to him to offer to contribute.

He and his family live in Ireland, moved there a few yrs ago from north of england as his wife is from there. Was laid off this summer and could not get any work so came over here and stayed- rent free obv- with FIL.

Dh has always been treated imo as a bit of a dogsbody by fil and bil- dh is the younger of the 2. If we were to go out for a meal, fil would say oh dh go and get the drinks, or go and order the food, for eg. AFAIK it has always been thus, and it really frustrates me that dh doesn't stick up for himself. I think he is a cock at the moment, but generally he is very easy going and would do anything to keep the peace

earlybird I wish I knew. DH views this as further evidence of my hatred for his family and says I am always bitching about them- tbh I do a lot, but they give me good reason, like this for example!

Zachary I did say oh great, not sure I fancy that. Then the subject was not mentioned for a while and I stupidly hoped it was because he had found somewhere else. He hasn't even asked anyone else.

I know for a fact that it will have been fil who "told" dh about this, as bil cannot speak on the phone so we dont have a lot of communication with him (he is deaf) and fil's way will have been to say "X will have to stay with you when the site shuts". For those that asked, fil and his brother (so dh's uncle, keep up now! It's v complicated) are conveniently pissing off to spain for their annual 3 months holiday in their mobile home. Dh's mum not alive- if she was there would be less fucking about in caravans and things would be very different. This I do know, and it probably does upset dh to be treated like this.

golgi I did consider insisting on camp bed in living room, but thought that I might want to kill him at weekends when he doesnt need to be up and out of the house early.

Eighties and Annh- I have already spat at told DH in no uncertain terms that it won't be happening next year, assuming bil still working over here, as I am not going to be made to feel uncomfortable when trying to breastfeed in my own house.

thumblebells you have hit it on the head I am not saying no, rather please join with me in acknowledging what a ball ache this is going to be. He isn't telling me per se, but keeps saying "what do you expect me to do, tell him he can't stay." I cannot see a solution to this. I think it wouldn't be as bad if I got on better with bil, not that we argue or anything, but have nothing much to say to one another.

Gosh this is long, think of it as therapy for me! Yes bil knows I am pregnant. Seems it makes no difference or needs no consideration. I'm feeling well at the mo, ask me again in 6 weeks! I am still utterly livid AND upset about this, thanks for listening. And I should have gone to bed hours ago, but cannot sleep for fuming.

OP posts:
Saucepanman · 05/01/2010 00:31

x-post there WYLI, hope my epic one explains!

OP posts: