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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

in not wanting BIL to stay with us for 6 weeks?

76 replies

Saucepanman · 04/01/2010 19:46

Will try to reveal all relevant info so as not to BU by stealth!

A month or two ago DH said that BIL "would have" to stay with us in Jan for 6 weeks, as the caravan site that he is staying at where FIL lives (a whole other story) closes. Nothing had been mentioned since, and I assumed he had found somewhere else. Last night DH mentions he will be coming next week- cue me going apeshit, for a number of reasons.

We do not have a spare room, so will have to put 4yo dd's bed in 7yo ds's bedroom. They will not be able to get to sleep, as will mess about and chat. BIL apparently bringing a bed with him so will have to clear everything out of dd's room and put it god knows where. We cannot afford to keep him for 6 weeks re food etc, and he will not offer, but will expect to be fed. I am pg and have only just started feeling better. I will feel uncomfortable in my own home, I was ironing last night in my PJs after a shower, no bra etc and pointed out that I will not be able to do this. Oh and BIL doesn't really speak to me that much, which will be fun.

The main thing that is pissing me off is that I would not say no, and have him homeless, but DH refuses to see my point of view. I am not saying he cannot come, but am so annoyed that he hasn't even asked, just said he will "need" to stay, and presumably hasn't made any attempts to make other arrangements. I suggested him staying for 2 or even 3 weeks, but DH will not suggest this. I saw BIL and SIL twice over xmas, and neither even thought to mention it, even to say "thanks for this, we know you don't really have the room, and it isn't a great time."

Anyway AIBU? My mum says I can't say no (which I wouldn't have dreamt of) but also doesn't see why he can't ask anyone else with spare room. They have several auntys and uncles with pare rooms nearby, and he has friends too. Also he won't be going home to his family at weekends as they live in Ireland. I am dreading the whole thing, and DH is being really horrible, says I am nasty and how would I feel if my mum needs to move in with us in her old age and he says no. Which is an entirely different matter imo and has added to my general lividness.

OP posts:
Saucepanman · 05/01/2010 13:20

lol nancy, no he hasn't, nor has FIL, it was just stated as a given. SIL hasn't got back to me with a date for his arrival either

OP posts:
ThumbleBells · 05/01/2010 14:28

here's a thought, saucepanman - DON'T do the preparations since they haven't the common courtesy to let you know his actual date of arrival. When he rocks up, make him help move beds/stiff to set up his bed, let him see what a PITA it is. Being pg yourself, you shouldn't be shifting furniture around anyway - so leave it to your DH and his B.

And nancy - they might seem completely trivial problems to you but this isn't about you, is it. It's about how the OP feels and she has every right to be pissed off with this cavalier treatment.

lilypotter · 05/01/2010 14:45

He cannot seriously expect to bring his bed with him? Surely not? Where on earth are you meant to put what's there at the moment?

nannynobnobs · 05/01/2010 15:06

I'd be bloody livid and YANBU!! My house is my sanctuary- when I thought we'd be having my MIL to stay on the sofa for one night both my DH and I said HOTEL! (though she is an alcoholic).
It sounds like your DH is being horrible to you because he hasn't the balls to stand up to his family so is making it all about you. Is he normally this dismissive and blaming? You're pregnant ffs.
Ground rules are definitely needed about money and chores. And as little disruption to the DCs as poss- my DDs are 3 and 8 and DD2 has to be asleep before DD1 goes to bed otherwise they play silly arses all night and wake up like shite.
Or you could say you have termites/CO leak/rats like small dogs/clown infestation and he has to stay with another relative or get a B&B!

NinjaChipmunk · 05/01/2010 15:23

hmm, you say in your original post "They have several auntys and uncles with spare rooms nearby, and he has friends too" could you not have a word with one of these auntys/ uncles/ friends and ask if they could offer instead, that you do not want to let him down but that with the pg and the amount of room it will be difficult?
yanbu to feel like it will be an imposition to you and the family though. but equally, if my brother was in trouble i would expect my dp to agree without issue that he could stay, and i would do the same for his sister. however neither of them really take liberties......

dopeydoot · 05/01/2010 15:24

Hmm. even more alarm bells ringing if his wife is happy that he's not going back for 6 weeks...

how much would it cost to get him a cheap ticket back to ireland as a present to save the hassle of having him there?

mrsjammi · 05/01/2010 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SofiaAmes · 05/01/2010 15:39

nancydrew, that's exactly what I'm saying. If my brother (I don't have a sister) called to say he needed a place from next week and wanted to come and live with me and my family, I'd reassure him that we'd try to figure something out. AND THEN, I'd get on the phone to dh and say "this is what's my brother wants to do, what do you think, can we do this, how can we do this?" And then figure out some way to help him that involved either finding some place else for him to live, or setting very strict ground rules for him to abide by if he wanted to be in our home. My brother is (like op's bil) a healthy 45 year old. If he wanted to move in with us next week it would be because he is too lazy to sort out some more practical way of housing himself and I don't see why I would have to disrupt my life (which, with a job and two children is only hanging by a thread anyway) for my brother's laziness. It's not the same thing if my parents (or even my brother) were old and infirm and needed looking after in their old age. I would of course take them in. But even then I wouldn't do so without the courtesy of a discussion with dh (who would of course help me figure out how to make it work). And the same applies for OP. Her bil is an able bodied man with a house and a family and money who hasn't bothered to consider the disruption his 6 weeks will give to his brother and sil.

ChippingIn · 05/01/2010 16:47

YANBU - to feel pissed off that you weren't asked if it was OK, by either your DH or BIL. You're also NBU in thinking that your DH should be acknowleding it is a pain in the arse.

I think part of the 'disagreement' here has possibly arisen by people assuming he needs to stay, which would be one thing, but when actually he's just being too cheap & too lazy to make other arrangements so is just taking the piss.

My BIL came to stay for 'a night or two' and stayed a year! He is lovely, we didn't have DC's at the time and we had a spare room.... BUT it was still nice to have the house back to ourselves at the end of it

nancydrewrocks · 06/01/2010 04:58

dopeydoot presumably the wife is happy that he is not going back to Ireland because he is working in UK to support her and their four children and cannot simply skip off home for 6 weeks without jepordising his job.

Sofia lol at you'd be "setting very strict ground rules for him to abide by if he wanted to be in our home" You sound like a real joy!

skidoodle · 06/01/2010 06:42

Having an extra adult move into a family home that is already full is going to cause tensions. Recognising that and setting some rules in advance is only sensible. I'm struggling to see the joy in allowing relatives to treat your home as a free doss house.

The idea of a grown, healthy man expecting to be kept by a family with small children is ridiculous. This man ought to be ashamed if himself.

If he can't afford lodgings in england, then he can't afford to live there.

I would do anything for my family, but my luckily my siblings would not consider taking food from my chikdren's mouths a reasonable thing to do.

What adult expects to be kept by their sibling?

Why would, or should, anyone agree to that?

nancydrewrocks · 06/01/2010 08:48

Skidoodle Finding accomodation for 6 weeks has got to be tough - B&B or hotel only I'd imagine so I would not be at all suprised if the issue is that he cannot afford to live in England. (If he can afford to live somewhere else why is he living in a caravan with his father - surely not the choice of any sane man who can afford to do otherwise?)

As the OP stated he came to England for work after being made redundant. Sounds like he is doing his best to support his family and make ends meet.

MissWooWoo · 06/01/2010 09:03

I haven't read the whole thread - yet - but just wanted to empathise. My partner's sister is inevitably going to be staying with us come the end of January for gawd knows how long as she's been given notice on her flat (6 weeks). Of course, she hasn't found anywhere yet (it's been christmas you see) and what with the snow and all I can't see her tramping out to look at places. She has no other relatives and certainly no friends she could stay with. Of course, she must come here where else would she go but this is will be the second time this has happened in 4 years. To make matters worse her/my partner's parents will be coming to stay with us for 12 weeks come late spring (they live on other side of world). If I'm lucky I might get a month break before her leaving and them arriving. Lucikly I have a spare room.

Aaaaarrrrrgggghhh.

MissWooWoo · 06/01/2010 09:04

oh and YANBU at all!

Saucepanman · 06/01/2010 12:53

nancy actually he could afford it, and it is a static caravan, quite roomy and fairly new, central heating, sky tv etc. As for the supporting the family and making ends meet, yes of course, but they do ok, don't worry about them

OP posts:
skidoodle · 06/01/2010 15:11

"Sounds like he is doing his best to support his family and make ends meet."

Sounds to me like he's doing it at the expense of his brother's family, if he is going to move into their house and scrounge off them.

Moving in with a sibling's family and putting children out of their beds is something you do when you have NO other choice.

When you have asked every other relative with a spare room if they can have you, when you have checked short-term rental and found that it either isn't available, or that you can't afford it.

And even if you have to ask such a massive favour, you offer to pay your way, you promise to help around the house, and you make bloody sure your stay imposes as little as possible on the family you are staying with.

You absolutely do not get your father to demand that you stay, neglect to look for any alternatives, and assume you will be paid for by your "hosts".

This family are treating the OP (who is their pregnant SIL, FGS) as though she is a non person, as though her home is theirs to fill with their beds and her money is theirs to spend on themselves.

It is an outrageous imposition and no member of a loving family would countenance it.

nannynobnobs · 06/01/2010 15:30

Nail on head right there, skidoodle.

SofiaAmes · 07/01/2010 01:43

nancydrew, actually I am a lovely person, thank you for noticing! I work hard to support my family and keep my home clean and paid for. If my brother wished to take advantage of that then he'd have to do on my terms. And if he doesn't like my rules, nobody would be forcing him (and similarly the op's brother) to come to my (her) home. I'd be happy to send my brother to your house, if you wish. He's very handsome, very handy, very smelly and sleeps 'til noon most days. He's single too!

Phoenix4725 · 07/01/2010 06:18

yanbu

I had my mum to stay for 6 weeks when she lived on a site .I love my mum dearly and we normally get on very well but was eyeopener for both of us .I tidy my lounge when dc in bed give up in day , have my own routines etc and we clashed big time

but we both agreed maybe not good thing to repeat , not saying if there wa snot some emergency i would not do again for family memebers but lay some ground rules down first before he moves in , he might well decide that be easier life somewhere else.

lucyellensmumagain · 07/01/2010 07:08

Does he work? Make him pay rent! Does he not work? MAke him get a job THEN make him pay rent. Freeloader!

lucyellensmumagain · 07/01/2010 07:10

Where is his father going to be? can he not take his bed or matress and sleep on the floor there?

ginnybag · 07/01/2010 09:23

Apologies if this has been already been answered, but what kind of financial arrangement does BIL have with FIL when he's living with him?

You can't really say no - and you haven't - but YADNBU to expect there to be some level of organisation and acknowledgment as to the level of disruption this will cause.

At the very least you need:

A fixed date of arrival

A fixed date of departure

An agreed contribution to his keep, if he can at all afford it (And unless FIL is paying ALL his bills when he lives with him, he's had to at least have been buying himself food, so that shouldn't be an issue)

A definite agreement that he keeps to your household routine, and that you will not be doing his laundry etc for him!

On the subject of sleeping arrangements, however, he is a working adult, and the sleeping in the lounge thing will cause more issues for both him and your family then it is worth to make a point, so I wouldn't do that. Either have him share the room with your son, or, yes, move one of the kids.

I would not, though, rearrange entire rooms worth of furniture. One drawer and a bit of wardrobe space is fine and your child still needs access to their stuff when they want/need it.

If he insists on bringing his bed, that's fine, too (solves the problem of finding him something to sleep on!) but if he's taking over your child's room, then he sleeps in that bed and the spare (his) gets put up for your child. You don't want to be moving two beds for his convenience when one will do.

Oh, and he (and your DH) move all furniture, not you.

At the end of the day, he's family, and that means you're stuck with him, however piss-poorly the whole thing has been handled (and it has been - I'd be screaming!) but you're doing him a HUGE favour here.

Send your SIL, FIL and BIL a list of the terms now. Tell your DH that this is how it's going to be and inform him that if he doesn't have the balls to confront the real issues here, then he doesn't get to sulk because you have.

If he's (DH) really prepared to drag your financial worries into this to try to change the argument, well turn it right back at him. If things are so tight that he can use it as an excuse that way, then they're too tight for your children not to suffer for keeping BIL as seems to be expected and that's not happening. End of. Sorry.

Good luck!

MadamDeathstare · 07/01/2010 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KimiLovesHerFamily · 07/01/2010 15:59

I think you need to tell you DH to stop being a arsehole.
It is your home you should have been consulted.
Make a point of NOT DOING ANYTHING FOR EITHER OF THEM. IE WASHING COOKING CLEANING UP MAKE YOUR DH LOOK AFTER HIM.

maristella · 07/01/2010 20:48

Sofia - is he tall?