in not wanting BIL to stay with us for 6 weeks?

[Saucepanman]

Will try to reveal all relevant info so as not to BU by stealth!

A month or two ago DH said that BIL "would have" to stay with us in Jan for 6 weeks, as the caravan site that he is staying at where FIL lives (a whole other story) closes. Nothing had been mentioned since, and I assumed he had found somewhere else. Last night DH mentions he will be coming next week- cue me going apeshit, for a number of reasons.

We do not have a spare room, so will have to put 4yo dd's bed in 7yo ds's bedroom. They will not be able to get to sleep, as will mess about and chat. BIL apparently bringing a bed with him so will have to clear everything out of dd's room and put it god knows where. We cannot afford to keep him for 6 weeks re food etc, and he will not offer, but will expect to be fed. I am pg and have only just started feeling better. I will feel uncomfortable in my own home, I was ironing last night in my PJs after a shower, no bra etc and pointed out that I will not be able to do this. Oh and BIL doesn't really speak to me that much, which will be fun.

The main thing that is pissing me off is that I would not say no, and have him homeless, but DH refuses to see my point of view. I am not saying he cannot come, but am so annoyed that he hasn't even asked, just said he will "need" to stay, and presumably hasn't made any attempts to make other arrangements. I suggested him staying for 2 or even 3 weeks, but DH will not suggest this. I saw BIL and SIL twice over xmas, and neither even thought to mention it, even to say "thanks for this, we know you don't really have the room, and it isn't a great time."

Anyway AIBU? My mum says I can't say no (which I wouldn't have dreamt of) but also doesn't see why he can't ask anyone else with spare room. They have several auntys and uncles with pare rooms nearby, and he has friends too. Also he won't be going home to his family at weekends as they live in Ireland. I am dreading the whole thing, and DH is being really horrible, says I am nasty and how would I feel if my mum needs to move in with us in her old age and he says no. Which is an entirely different matter imo and has added to my general lividness.

I expect your DH is on the defensive a bit because he can't say no to his own family and feels a bit crap that he is too weak to stand up for himself, so he's taking it out on you. Bit of a gittish thing to do still - he should acknowledge it is a royal PITA for all of you and do his best to limit the impact of the situation.

Good idea to give him his own cupboard; and don't worry about not feeding him, just treat him as though he is a lodger - I never fed my lodgers!

I'm still wondering why he can't go back to Ireland for the 6 weeks.

Does he have a job in the UK, is that why he can't go to Spain or back home to Ireland for the 6 weeks ?

Wishing you all the best anyway. Does he play with his niece and nephew will he be a useful babysitter ? I'd make jolly sure they rouse him nice and early at weekends or any other day he is in bed after they have woken. Got to make all other nearby relatives spare bedrooms look more attractive .

Sounds like he's working sitdown - see this from saucepanman around midnight:

"golgi I did consider insisting on camp bed in living room, but thought that I might want to kill him at weekends when he doesnt need to be up and out of the house early."

Ok I am going to be a lone voice of disent and say YABU.

If my sister needed somewhere to say I wouldn't hesitate to let her even if it might mean things were a squeeze. She is my sister and I would be appalled if DH whinged about it.

Your BIL has come over to the UK to try and find work - all credit to him it must be really hard to be away from his wife (does he have DC?- if so even harder). Presumably the reason that he can't rent a nice little studio etc for himself is that he is doing his very best to support his family back in Ireland which I would imagine means there is not much left for him.

I can't imagine anyone willingly lives away from their family if they have choices so to me it sounds like he is a bit down on his luck and could do with a bit of support. That is what families are for.

Of course you don't need to cook for him but there is no reason why you can't ask him to contribute to the food bill. If he then refuses YANB but on the face of it I think you a being mean.

nancy, OP never said she wouldn't have him there. In fact she said she would never see him homeless - she just would prefer to have the problems acknowledged as problems. Nothing wrong with that.

My bil came to stay with us just after we moved in together into new house that needed major renovations. He was supposed to help dh (dp back then) and only stay with us for a few weeks until he found a place to live of his own. He stayed 6 months without contributing a penny to rent or food. (he was sending money to his girlfriend back at home up north) When I finally said he has to move out or pay us rent and board, he left in a huff and didn't speak to dh for 2 years!
I think that you are absolutely not being unreasonable and certainly should not be moving your school age child into the same bedroom as his sister who will most certainly make sure that he doesn't get enough sleep or quiet.

This is not ideal, but doable. 6 weeks will go by quite quickly. My husband is from abroad and we have had various family members to stay for periods of time. Dh's cousin came to stay for 2 months when ds1 was small and we lived in a 2bed flat. My mum also stayed for 1/2 the week so we were packed in!! Yes you will have to make adjustments and have to get used to someone living in your space. At least your bil is going to work, Dh's cousin spent 90% of his time with us in the flat on the computer!!

As for not telling you when he's coming or the family issues - that's another ball game.

But they are hardly problems are they? And pale into insignificance compared to the problems her BIL clearly has.

They amount to the DC's sharing a room - well that is easy uncle goes in with the DS

and the OP "having" to cook (which she obviously doesn't have to)

and them not being able to afford the extra food which is easily solved by asking him to contribute.

Basically she is pissed of that her DH hasn't asked permission for his brother to stay and, frankly I don't think he needs to in the circumstances. If you can't say yes to your sibbling who is in need of help without clearing it with a partner who it is not going to cause undue stress to then it is your partner that is unreasonable not you.

Mountain. Molehill.

You have simply got to lay down some ground rules about this, or you're going to become even more angry, resentful and stressed, which is not good for you, the baby, or your DCs. (your DH has brought it upon himself)

1. DH must acknowledge the strain it puts you under and agree he should have asked you first.
2. You should not be expected to uproot your DCs from their bedrooms. He can sleep on a campbed, probably downstairs, but your DCs keep their entitlement of access to the sitting room first thing in the morning.
3. BIL does not bring his own bed with him. That encroaches into "moving in" territory, rather than "staying for a bit." Plus, you don't have room.
4. Your additional workload is to be kept to an absolute minimum. DH is to take the brunt of any of it. BIL sorts his own laundry out, preferably at a launderette.
5. He contributes towards food (if you agree that it is easiest for him to eat with you), gas and electricity.

They (FIL, BIL, DH) must not get the idea that this is a good idea, to be repeated whenver they feel like it. 6 weeks is an imposition by any reckoning - particularly on the terms they seem to be considering.

YANBU.

nancydrew, I completely disagree.

It's not so much about "asking permission," rather than a basic courtesy. This is something that is going to impact hugely on the OP, yet her DH is dismissing her concerns as if she's being deliberately awkward.
She said that BIL "will expect to be fed" but will not offer to contribute. That puts her in the awkward position of having to ask him for money.

Definitely not a mountain out of a molehill.

Sofia yes that is what I am worried about, dd is in nursery and ds yr 2. They will be beyond cranky by the end of it all.

Actually bil doesn't have problems, the housing issue has never been an issue for him bec he has just always assumed and told dh he would be staying here. The person it is harder on is sil as they have 4 kids. BIL happy as larry not to see them tbh, they are hard work. Not my judgement on things but dh's. When he was over in Ireland he did a job that meant he was away mon-fri. sil said at weekends he didn't lift a finger, so maybe she is quite happy at the mo too!

Nancy can he stay at yours please?!

Oh Thumblebells, think you are spot on with your assessment of dh- I am sure he does feel like that, but only he can change it by asserting himself.

I agree with nancydrew - well said.

nancydrew, I think it's odd that you think that it's normal and reasonable for a husband to invite someone (even his brother) to stay in a home he shares with his wife and 2 children without checking with his wife first. It's not a matter of "permission" but rather just thoughtfulness and courtesy. I wouldn't invite someone to dinner without consulting with my dh.

sofia are you seriously saying that if your sister phoned and said "From next month I have nowhere to stay, please could you put me up for a month" your response would be "I'll get back to you I need to check with DH"??

Maybe it is beacuse I know my DH is a lovely bloke who would be appalled at the thought of family being homeless that I don't need to check, but I don't and I wouldn't. I would say a resounding "yes" to my sister and would then tell my DH that that is what is happening. It is much my house as my DH's and if he was willing to get in a strop about me helping out my sister (or indeed a friend) then I would be questioning whether I'd married the right bloke.

saucepanman could your BIL afford to rent somewhere because if he can't then that would seem to me that he does have a problem. If he can then perhaps that would be the better option since you clearly don't want him in the house but I seriously wouldn't expect your DH to be anything other than furious about the situation.

But they haven't said "please could you put me/him up?" It's been presented as a fait accompli, ("he will have to stay") with no regard to the OP - who, by the way, has said several times that she wouldn't see him out on the street.
And nancy your DH might not be so accommodating if the whole shebang was going to fall to him to deal with while you were out at work. Whilst he was pregnant too! And strapped for cash. And space.

The OP has said she's going along with it but I think she's perfectly reasonable to be miffed at the way it's been handled. And it sounds like there are other alternatives that could be considered, but noone's thought to try them.

Nancy yes he could easily afford that, but it won't have even crossed his mind. As I said, if he had actually asked to stay instead of announcing, via fil, that he would need to stay, then I wouldn't be so bothered. I think the expectation is rude, and I certainly wouldn't expect to stay with my family without asking them first!

I am, and always have been, resigned to it happening, but I am sick of the way dh is being about the whole thing, and the lack of consideration from his family. To not even say "oh thanks btw" when I saw him last week and he intends to move in next week is a bit much imo.

But Nancy, from the sound of it the BIL never even asked his brother, just assumed that it was fine and informed him he was coming.

If my DH "told" me his brother was moving in for 6 weeks I would laugh in his face, to be honest. And if he acted as twattishly about it as the OP's DH, they would both be looking for somewhere to stay.

Thanks lily and pooexplosions (love the name!) I wish I felt up to dealing with this better and telling dh he is being a twunt. He has gone to work, was v huffy and nasty before he went, I have been crying a bit since. He has made this about all sorts of other things now, like our financial situation, which is really unfair.

saucepanman apologies I assumed your BIL had asked your DH. I took the "he hadn't even asked" as your DH hadn't asked you, rather than your BIL hadn't asked your DH (i.e. your DH was the "he" not your BIL)

I also took the fact that you said "I would not say no and have hime homeless" to mean that if you had said no he would have been homeless.

If in fact he (BIL) has not asked either you or DH to stay and could easily afford to rent a place for 6 weeks (lucky him whilst still managing to support a wife and 4 kids!) then you ANBU.

If you BIL has cleared it with your DH then YABU.

But it also sounds as if there is, within your DH's family, a culture of expectation. That's how they do things. Which is fine, until someone marries and has their own spouse and DCs to consider. Thereafter, the groundrules need to change, in order to consider them. Doesn't sound as if that concept has filtered through to FIL and BIL. Or your DH, by the sounds of it.

OP - just a thought; if your BIL is deaf could he feel quite isolated in temporary accommodation and prefer to be with family?

gins, possibly but I doubt it as he is used to staying away from home, in Ireland he stayed in b&b when working away. He is very independent and confident, so as I say, I doubt it.

So can you just confirm that BIL hasn't actually asked DH if he can stay?

I just need to be able to rest easy...!