... to refuse to let my MIL visit, with large entourage, 10 days before DC2 is due?

[sushistar]

She wants to come with 3 other inlaws and one of their babies, for 'a few hours'. I will be 38+6 and have a 2 year old DC1, and am feeling very tired. We did the rounds at Christmas, saw everyone, and I sort of thought i'd got the inlaws ticked off until after the birth. I don't want to entertain 5 for tea just before baby comes. I want to stay in my PJs and eat chocolate. I've told DH he must tell her no... he tried to say no at Christmas but she was very pushy.

I'm genuinely not sure - AIBU?

By NanaNina Mon 04-Jan-10 16:20:53

Oh and perish the thought that this GM might want to visit to see her grandchild..........what a horrendous idea and SO unreasonable............again ,most of you will in many years time become GMs and I can assure you that when that time comes you too will want to be involved in your GCs life - again I hope you get DILs who understand this rather more than many of you do.

Er, no mention has been made of the mil being denied access to her gc at all, and the op hasn't even said anything bad about her. She is simply being asked to come the next day. Is that so very unreasonable? Would you really get upset over that?

Sorry but it really feels like you've got an axe to grind on mil threads, you're seem to turn up on most of them banging on about poor hard done by mil's, no matter what the situation is or who is in the wrong. You don't automatically become a saint the day your son marries you know, there are bad people and pushy people and inconsiderate people in every walk of life. Even mil's, believe it or not.

Ah well James that's it then - "game set and match" - but I wonder, could there be the slightest possibility that the OP could be a tinge biased in how she recalled these events about the visit - oh no thought not cus she's a DIL isn't she and as most of you mums know it's always the MIL at fault.

Anyway all the OPs vehement supporters can relax in the knowledge that she can stay in PJs and eat chocolate to her hearts content with no anxiety provoking visits to worry about!

Hi again James - our posts have crossed. found your comments vaguely ironical "you seem to have an axe to grind on MIL threads and turn up banging on about poor hard-doneby MILs"

Could it be anything to do with the fact that as a MIL and GM (and there are very few us on MN - Pranma is one and usually agrees with me FWIW) that I try to "see" the other side of a problem and suggest ways in which the MIL might not be quite the dragon that she is so often made out to be. I know however from experience that the DILs on here won't usually countenance looking at another point of view (and you are a prime example of this I suspect) and really only want their views/prejudices against the MILs confirmed by others. And there is no shortage on here of young mums willing to do just that. I think dils who have poor r/ships with their own MILs are only too willing to confirm and exaggerate the problems by an OP purely on the basis that they hate/dislike their mil and this seems to me to be unfair. Ithink there is a marked tendency for these women to disregard the fairness or otherwise of the post, but to immediately jump to the DILs defence. Not always I know but in the casy majority of cases this seems to be the case.

My comment about future visits was in respect of a poster a few pages back, exhorting the OP to "put her foot down now otherwise the MIl would be wanting to visit after the baby's born with an entourage" (or something like that anyway)

You say I don't consider what the situation is or who is inthe "wrong" but that criticism is not wholly fair. I have posted many times and considered the MIL in question to be out of order. Also some posters have thanked me for pointing out the other side from a MILs point of view.

I shall continue to try to put the other side (annoying as it is for you women who are anti mils) because I think this is the essence of a healthy debate.

Yes, I'm sure she'll do lots of chocolate eating and relaxing on the sofa with a toddler to look after.

Op, hope you've come to some solution which you're all happy with, good luck with the birth.

OP - all I can say is this. Am 38 weeks pregnant today and I have zero inclination to see anyone. Some friends tried to pop in and see me over the weekend and I couldnt be bothered. Right now, I want to slob about in my pyjamas. And at this stage in your pregnancy, you are well within your rights IMO to do what you feel like doing.

This isnt about MIL bashing, I dont blame the OP one IOTA for wanting to relax at this stage in her pregnancy.

I'm 38 weeks pregnant atm, and i wouldn't mind in the slightest if my MIL turned up with an entourage. She knows she has to take me as she finds me - i have a 5yr old as well as a 20 month old, but i'd love for her to drop in for a natter.

YANBU. Not in the slightest. This sort of behaviour irritates me so much. Three weeks after I had DD4, SIXTEEN of dh's family invited themselves for the entire weekend. Ok, they stayed in a hotel but they were still in the house for the rest of the time. Why do people do this? They'll want to come after you've had the baby too, no doubt. Can't really think which is worse for you. Dh should put them off. It's his family x

James - sorry you couldn't respond to some of the issues I raised in my post, other than a sarcastic comment, which rather confirms what I was saying about some young mothers not wanting to hear anything that does not confirm their own views.

As for having a 2 year old, well what's the big deal about that FGS - I had 3 children under 5 and would never have dreamed of saying that I was "refusing to allow" my MIL to visit me, and she wasn't always the easiest women I have to say but I respected the fact that she was my H's mother and the GM of my children and remained on good terms with her throughout her lifetime.

Glad to hear there are some women like you Deemented - restores my faith in humankind!

NanaNina I didn't see that you'd posted again when I posted. Nor do I have time to read and comment on it properly now as I have to do dinner and bathtime etc

As you obviously have more time on your hands than I do, it might be a good idea to re-read the thread and see if there's any actual mil bashing going on or whether it's just the selfishness and imposition people aren't happy about.

NanaNina - You seem to be missing the point! No-one is saying that her MIL should not visit but it is rude to invite yourself and family to someone elses house. The op's feelings should be the most important at the moment and if she feels she can't cope with the visitors on her own then that should be the end of it. She has tried to compromise and invite MIL the following day but you seem be ignoring this fact.

Every pregnancy is different and just because you had 3 children under 5 and felt able to cope with visitors does not mean that everyone has it so easy. I think you are being very unsympathetic to the op's situation and you sound quite bitter - sorry I have not read any of you other MIL posts so am going on this one only.

I get on fine with my MIL but she always visits while dh is also here, after all he is her son, why would she want to come to see me while he is at work? I would feel quite uncomfortable having to entertain members of dh's family without him being present, even though I do get on with them.

Nananina ? I also think that you're missing the point as far as the OP's situation is concerned. She doesn't want to entertain five people for tea whilst being heavily pregnant. She has mentioned some of the difficulties she feels she would have to deal with ? the behaviour of her toddler when visitors are in the house combined with one of the visitor's strong views on child behaviour; another of the visitors she feels is a bit awkward; there'll be a baby who is at the crawling stage; and the main visitor announced the visit rather than asking if that was okay, and won't accept an alternative date.

The OP also said: "? she's not one to take a hint. It will have to be a downright 'No', which just seems very rude. And makes me feel guilty."

The main visitor is a mother-in-law, but could have been a mother or a father or a sister or whatever. On the face of what the OP has written, I do not see this situation as a MIL ?v- DIL difficulty, I see this as a heavily pregnant woman not wanting to have to deal with an unwelcome visit and asking for advice as to how to deal with that.

The fact you (or others) would not have had a problem with visitors at that stage in your pregnancies isn't relevant. Every situation is individual to all the people involved, and this situation is individual to the OP's personal circumstances. When people come here to ask for advice, it shouldn't matter at all if that advice is how to deal with a MIL or any other relative/friend/neighbour/whatever; it only seems to matter to you if the term "MIL" is involved. Kudos to you for having good relationships with your DIL; many other people are also MILs who have good relationships with their DILs. If you feel that the OP's postings and some subsequent responses are unreasonable and contribute to MIL-bashing by young mothers, then all I can assume is that you reacted to the "MIL" part of the postings here rather than to have listened to what the OP has said, including: "I'm genuinely not sure - AIBU?" If you had responded with, say, a question as to what the OP thought was going through her MIL's mind and perhaps, maybe, her MIL had forgotten what it was like to be that heavily pregnant with a toddler, maybe the OP and others might have been able to see the other side of the problem. Instead of a gentle approach, all you seem to have done is contrary to your wishes to put the other side as the essence of a healthy debate. Your first response included: " I can't believe what wimps some of you young mums are" and in my opinion that's not a way to achieve a healthy debate.

NanaNina - can I ask you your response to the OP's situation alone. She is very pregnant and tired, with a small child who she knows will act up with visitors in the house, and she doesn't feel up to coping with visitors for tea without her dh's support.

She hasn't said that her MIL can't visit, but has asked her to come on a day that is more convenient for her and her dh - only one day later.

I think that this shows that the OP is willing to compromise, and is willing to entertain her MIL, so I honestly can't understand why you think the OP is being so unreasonable.

If I rang a friend or family member and asked if I could go and visit on a particular day, and was told that that wasn't convenient for my hosts, I wouldn't insist on coming anyway - that is rude - don't you agree?

NinaNana - it certainly sounds as if the OP has been the one who has tried to compromise, but her MIL has refused point blank - I know who I think is behaving more considerately of the two of them, and would hope that you can see some validity in what I am saying.

OK unglymugly I take some of your points and I accept that my tone and content on this thread were not particularly helpful for a health debate. I am capable of a more gentle approach and putting the other side in a more constructive way, but I have to be honest that I was a bit annoyed with the attitude of the OP but even more so by so many posters charging in to tell her she was not being unreasonable, and adding fuel to the fire by "ramping things up" and then I think the whole thing does turn into a MIL bashing thing.

The other thing and at the risk of repeating myself is so many of you are willing to accept the OP's version of events (as in the MIl invited herself and wouldn't accept an alternative etc etc) when none of you know the exact nature of the conversation that took place about this visit. I am NOT saying the OP was not being truthful, but her perception of what took place may not be wholly accurate.

Anyway I shall say no more as it is clear that the OP had her way as the P was TOLD to "make the call" to his mother and yes that annoyed me too, because it shouldn't be like that. No adult should be TOLD what to do in relation to anything in my opinion. I think the OPs opening words annoyed me too, something about AIBU "to REFUSE to LET my MIL" etc etc strong words and not ones I would think of in how we conduct relationships with relatives (or indeed any adults)albeit ILS.

Enough said I think.

StayingDavid - sorry but you don't know the content or tone of the conversation, you only know the OPs version. I'd like to bet the MIL has a different version. Therefore your assertion that the MIL "insisted on coming anyway" and "refused point blank"
to compromise" is built on a false premise. This is the interpretation you have chosen to put on this matter to suit your own beliefs. I suppose you could say I have chosen to put a possible different interpretation on it to suit my beliefs.

Isn't it wierd that we are all still posting when the OP has lost interest.............

I posted and forgot about this thread, thank the lord i'm not the only one to think 'get a grip'.

Sorry, nananina, although I do accept that you are capable of a more gentle approach, and I have seen that gentle approach elsewhere here, your questioning of the OP's perception of what took place reminds me too much of some midwives' questioning of women's experience of pain in childbirth. It is how that person experiences it, whatever an outsider might think.

I think we're both reacting here to our own experiences: you as a successful MIL, and me as the daughter of a mother who would have loved to have behaved the same as the OP's MIL (and not as my late MIL would have behaved, a woman who did eventually listen to her son and DIL). I think you're seeing the "MIL" part of the OP's situation, and I'm seeing the "M and her entourage" part of it. If my late mother had behaved that way, the separation between her and me would have happened a lot sooner than it did.

We can't, and shouldn't, dismiss any OP's relating of their experience, even if we think it's extreme. People come here to ask for help, and in this section to get help in questioning whether they're being unreasonable. This section works best if we all look at what any OP puts forward and work on from there; starting from a doubt about the OP's perception of events won't help anyone.

Nananina

I totally second uglymugly post. Every pregnancy is different. Every person is different. Only the person who is pregnant knows how they feel at any one time. I think that responding as though this is a MIL bashing thread is wrong of you TBH. I didnt once get that from the OP.

Ref the other posts that have irked you - the OP cannot be held accountable for what other posters have responded.

Re. your last comment, 'Anyway I shall say no more as it is clear that the OP had her way as the P was TOLD to "make the call" to his mother and yes that annoyed me too, because it shouldn't be like that. No adult should be TOLD what to do in relation to anything in my opinion.'

Maybe no adult should be TOLD as such. But believe you me, I dont want visitors at 38 weeks pregnant - and if my DH wanted someone to come, you can believe that he would be told in no uncertain terms that I was not in the mood to receive visitors (And believe you me, the visitors would not materialise). Life is swings and roundabouts. There are times that DH may not want to do something I want to do and vice versa. We give and take on certain points and that is done via us 'telling' one another what would prefer. In a healthy relationship, saying clearly what you would like and asking the other person respects that (therefore telling them) is best thing IMO.

OK, enough. Let's stop this pseudo academic debate. Let's talk about karma. When the OP's children say they don't want to go to school because they want to stay in their pajamas and eat chocolate will she allow this. I think not. How old is this OP? I understand that some people don 't get on with MIL's. My DN doesn't even talk to hers but she is a beautiful person and her MIL comes across as being a very nice person. Don't know what the problem is. However niece is a bit of a control freak when it comes to her home and children. Christmas day the 2.5 DD had to ask permission to have a salt free water cracker. Mum said yes but only one. DD said "but Aunty had 2". DN grudingly agreed to her having two as it was Christmas day. I think that it is a matter of realising that we all have our little annoying habits and learn to lighten up

I can vouch for the fact that it isn't always easy to entertain someone when you are heavily pg. I had my MIL staying with me from 39w on, because she had come over from Australia for the birth. She is lovely, but when DS was 2w late, I was getting quite irked that DH expected me to get up early every day to "entertain" MIL in case she got bored. At 42w pg, there were days when getting up and dressed seemed like far too much work; taking MIL for a walk or a drive somewhere "interesting" was off the scale of achievable. To be fair, SHE didn't expect me to do this, DH did - and he was TOLD (yes, absolutely told) in no uncertain terms that I was not going to knacker myself unnecessarily. Before anyone accuses me of selfishness to a visitor to the UK, MIL has 2 SILs who live in the same town as me - and she went out with them a few times, so she was not dependent on me for entertainment.

I do not qualify as a young mum under any circs - I was 40 when DS was born - and I have been pretty riled by Nana Nina's posts. Patronising in the extreme in some cases and suyggesting that the OP is pretty much lying, despite saying that's not what she's suggesting - oh yes you are.

I get on brilliantly with my MIL (all of my inlaws really) and one of the reasons for that is that she would call to check when is a good time to come rather than set the date and time and insist.

ThumbleBells my MIL & SIL duked it out to decide who was coming to look after me when DS2 is born. But they are coming to help not be entertained, outrageous of your DH to suggest you look after her.

Morloth, at the idea of your MIL and SIL duking it out!
MIL was also very helpful with doing washing and washing up and generally keeping things under control after DS was born, that was her expectation of what she was there for - as I said, she is lovely.

Answering your original OP, I don't think it's unreasonable at to say MIL, I'd love you to come, but I can ONLY cope with visitors when I'm this pregnant when DH is around. (As long as DH understands that he WILL have to do all the work).

Then let DH and MIL sort out a date (or not).