... to refuse to let my MIL visit, with large entourage, 10 days before DC2 is due?

[sushistar]

She wants to come with 3 other inlaws and one of their babies, for 'a few hours'. I will be 38+6 and have a 2 year old DC1, and am feeling very tired. We did the rounds at Christmas, saw everyone, and I sort of thought i'd got the inlaws ticked off until after the birth. I don't want to entertain 5 for tea just before baby comes. I want to stay in my PJs and eat chocolate. I've told DH he must tell her no... he tried to say no at Christmas but she was very pushy.

I'm genuinely not sure - AIBU?

It's lovely if you are friends, but there is no reason that you should enjoy each others company, just because you are now related by marriage. For example I love my brother's partners (old and new) and my eldest sister's husband. I'd quite happily spend time with them (although I can't imagine going to visit them when my siblings weren't there too). But I find my other sisters' husband irritating. I'd not wish to spend more than maybe half an hour with him. There is no particular reason that anyone should like their ILs. I'm sure if the OP got on well with her MIL she wouldn't be posting, because she'd be thinking how nice to see her, not how stressful the visit will be.

to CaptUnderpants - too similar a name I feel .

I agree that if this was a helpful MIL arriving alone or with hubby then the OP wouldn't be posting.
Insisting on visiting with a load of people (who I presume the OP isn't keen on as they are described as MIL's entourage)isn't on.
I also wouldn't expect my inlaws to visit when husband not here and also feel they are his family not my friends.
OK some people feel differently and do see their inlaws as their friends but I wouldn't tell anyone, even a close friend when I was going to visit but would discuss with the person I wished to visit when was convenient, and wouldn't drag a load of rellies with me without checking that was also OK.
I think the MIL and the younger relatives who sound as though they haven't asked if they can visit but are just coming along for the ride are very rude and unreasonable.
If this MIL does want a good relationship with her DIL she isn't going to get it by being so controlling.

I agree with you 2rebecca. I think the worst part is that she didn't ask to come over (therefore giving the op a chance to say that the day wasn't convenient or that she just wasn't up to it) instead just telling them that she's coming at such a such a time with half a dozen people in tow, and not taking an initial no for an answer.

That's just being selfish. It's not as if she's being told "No you may not come at all!" - she's been told that the day after would be much better as her dh will be there to share the parenting and hosting. What's wrong with that?

I know pregnancy isn't an illness but I really don't understand why the needs and wishes of an uncomfortable heavily pregnant woman (who already saw everyone just over a week ago) are inferior to that of the perfectly healthy quite-bloody-pushy mother in law.

Personally towards the end of pregnancy last time I could barely walk, had a baby's head so engaged it was like walking with a coconut in my knickers, I was on the loo every 20 minutes as my bladder and bowel had no room, I was emotional, wondering all the time if every twinge was the start of labour, I couldn't do as much around the house as I wanted to, couldn't sleep at night as I couldn't get comfortable so I spent my days so exhausted I could barely get off the sofa, and that was my first! With a toddler in tow it must be so much more tiring.

I think some people need to remember back to what it's like to be heavily pregnant and have a little more empathy.

YANBU

I get on very well with my in-laws but would not want a crowd of them coming to visit in the two weeks before the baby's due date.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to want quiet time before the baby is born. Some people need it more than others. I spent lots of time with the in-laws at Christmas, will see them again in two weeks and then that's it, I'm going into hibernation until our baby is born in Feb. It's kind of a reflective, nesting time for me - I just don't want to socialise now but will be happy to compromise at other times. Why is it unreasonable to want to lie low for a few weeks?

I think it's also easier if your in-laws live nearby and drop in for a quick cup of tea. Mine are also 2 hours away and visits become much more of a big deal when there's that kind of travel involved.

I dread the moment I become someone's MIL. At that point I seem to cease to exist as a normal human being but appear to transform into the spawn of the devil whose sole purpose is to be as inconsiderate, mean and rude as I possibly can to my new DIL.

MIL wants to visit with a few friends/relations. Big deal. Oh and she will kindly take your 2 year old out for a play. Why would you ever consider cancelling? Making a few cups of tea and talking to adults is a walk in the park in comparison to running around after a 2 year old when heavily pregnant.

I assume you are still managing to cook food for you and your family. That you are still able to pick your child up and give him/her a cuddle. That you are able to cope with the endless round of play, laugh, tantrum, feeding, loo/nappy, bath, bedtimes that a toddler requires. Really, is afternoon tea that hard???

Lol at MIL and her entourage, as if she is P Diddy.

"I dread the moment I become someone's MIL. At that point I seem to cease to exist as a normal human being but appear to transform into the spawn of the devil whose sole purpose is to be as inconsiderate, mean and rude as I possibly can to my new DIL"

Only if you TELL your heavily pregnant dil you're descending on her with a load of people, AND refuse to take no for an answer, wishingchair. Can you really not see how that's a bit selfish? Op hasn't said that she dislikes her mil at all, it's the situation she's unhappy with.

The reason there's so many threads about mil's on MN is because in most cases you can't be as forthright as you can be with your own mother/sister/friend. Where you'd normally be able to say "Oh mum, I really don't fancy you coming over with Brenda, Phil and Elaine doing her perfect bloody earth mother routine right now, I'm knackered, I haven't pooed in three days and ds is being a right little sod" You CAN'T (usually) say that kind of thing to your mil!

so you're left with being trying to be diplomatic and phrasing things carefully so as not to cause offence and if your mil then doesn't take no for an answer, that's when these threads happen, out of impotent frustration.

I had easy pregnancies and welcomed diversions right at the end - both boys being very late. But there's a huge difference between diversions of choice - long convivial suppers with friends - and someone inviting themself into your house regardless. In fact I'm amazed at the rudeness of anyone who assumes that demanding hospitality is an appropriate way to behave.

I am ancient but not quite a MIL. But I hope I shan't lose all my manners when I am.

"I assume you are still managing to cook food for you and your family."

Difference being that she has to do that. She doesn't have to sit around for several hours entertaining 4 other people and a baby that will, according to her, be judging the cleanliness of her house and the behaviour of her DC.

"That you are still able to pick your child up and give him/her a cuddle. That you are able to cope with the endless round of play, laugh, tantrum, feeding, loo/nappy, bath, bedtimes that a toddler requires."

And maybe she is knackered after doing all that and just doesn't feel like an afternoon of being polite just so her MIL can do what she likes.
Personally I think it's far ruder of OPs MIL to still demand to come when she has been told it will not be convenient and given an alternative date.

If dh is at work I'd just not answer the bell and say later oh shoot I forgot you were coming and went out at the time. And I have done that to dh's sister. [I am a devil icon]

Inviting yourself (and a large groups of other people) to someone else's home is rude even if that person is not heavily pregnant, and therefore deserving of extra consideration.

If you have already been told that the day you choose to visit is not convenient for your "host" (who didn't even invite you) but you insist on coming because it is more convenient for you, then you are being "as inconsiderate, mean and rude as [you] possibly can"

It is a shocking way to behave. What an utter, utter cow.

Anyone who tried to treat me and my home in that way would never be invited again, MIL or not.

Painted the house at 8 months pregnant? Held a coffee morning when you were in labour?

Luxury!! You don't know you're born!

When I was in the 2nd stage of labour with triplets I hosted an 8 course dinner party for 30 people, did all the washing up and still had time to clean the oven afterwards.

I'd tell her that if she wants to come around, she has to make herself useful, make tea, clean the loo, mow the grass, etc.

(I jokingly suggested this to few relatives after DS was born)

I feel for you. We told our families that for the first month after DS was born absolutely no-one could visit (and not even Nevyn should he of showed up). One relative tried and got told no.

Even now at almost 9 months, if a large group of people come, I take a day off.

The problem is telling them to go get stuffed (which would be my temptation) tends to cause bad feelings in families - and sometimes that doesn't get undone for decades.

I think your being reasonable and should stick to your guns.

Are you from Python GAL ?

Ghouls, I hope you also prepared a few stews and curries with the leftovers, to freeze
I agree, I has straightforward pregnancies, was running around soft play/ visiting farms fairly late on. but just because that's my experience i don't assume everyone else has the same. and yes, dictating when you're visiting someone & ignoring them when they say it's not convenient is BLOODY RUDE

just to point out i was running round soft play and farms with DS during my 2nd pregnancy. Not my first, that would be weird.

Lol at MIL and her entourage, as if she is P Diddy.

at Gerroff

Would that be more P Middy ?

at Ghouls

I think there is little point in continuing to give advice here because the OP has already said "H has been TOLD to make the call" - so the visit is OFF. I think it says a lot that the H has been TOLD rather than asked, which suggests to me that the OP is the dominant partner and the H has to do as he is TOLD, even though he knows his mum will be upset. Presumably the OP doesn't really care about this, so long as she gets her own way.

Also so many of you are assuming that the MIL has "invited herself" and won't come on another day. None of you actually know anything about the conversation that took place (presumably between the H and his mother) about this visit. Could it be possible that the MIL "suggested" a visit and preferred the day when the traffic was better - maybe she was even being caring in wanting to drive so far to see her DIL. Oh but that couldn't be could it for so many of you women who are so anti MILs. I reckon many MILs can't do right for doing wrong.

Wishingchair - you make a very good point about MILs and I think many of these anti mil young mothers on MN forget that in all probability they too will acquire a DIL one day and I hope for their sakes that she is a more generous spirited woman than the OP and some of these MN posters.

Oh and perish the thought that this GM might want to visit to see her grandchild..........what a horrendous idea and SO unreasonable............again ,most of you will in many years time become GMs and I can assure you that when that time comes you too will want to be involved in your GCs life - again I hope you get DILs who understand this rather more than many of you do.

By NanaNina Mon 04-Jan-10 16:20:53

Also so many of you are assuming that the MIL has "invited herself" and won't come on another day. None of you actually know anything about the conversation that took place (presumably between the H and his mother) about this visit. Could it be possible that the MIL "suggested" a visit and preferred the day when the traffic was better

Er, no, we're going off what Sushistar herself said, here:

By sushistar Sun 03-Jan-10 19:25:11

We did try to put her off at Christmas (DH saw my face when she announced the plan - she didn't ask to come, she just said she was coming iyswim) but she's not one to take a hint. It will have to be a downright 'No', which just seems very rude. And makes me feel guilty.