... to refuse to let my MIL visit, with large entourage, 10 days before DC2 is due?

[sushistar]

She wants to come with 3 other inlaws and one of their babies, for 'a few hours'. I will be 38+6 and have a 2 year old DC1, and am feeling very tired. We did the rounds at Christmas, saw everyone, and I sort of thought i'd got the inlaws ticked off until after the birth. I don't want to entertain 5 for tea just before baby comes. I want to stay in my PJs and eat chocolate. I've told DH he must tell her no... he tried to say no at Christmas but she was very pushy.

I'm genuinely not sure - AIBU?

Ok, thanks all for strengthening my resolve! DH has been told to make the phone call...

worst case scenario - just invite her over but then hide upstairs when she gets to your door. don't answer then she'll take the hint quick enough.

Just get on with it!!!!

Can't believe this is a problem. Make a stew earlier in the day,leave it slow cooking, get some nice bread. All you've got to do ia make a bhot drink when people arrive. Bung a few bowls on the table and sit around chatting. Not strenuous. Just leave the clearing up to DH.

She is probably thinking, 'oh, poor woman, she's pregnant, least I can do is turn up and cheer her up'. You're not being unreasonable, but it sounds as if she doesn't realize how much work her presence causes for you!

Tell her you have a midwife appointment that day but she could come the following day.

YANBU - Tell her your dc has a sickness bug on the morning of the visit. That should work!

I had an NCT coffee morning, with two toddlers in tow, whilst in labour with ds3 - but all the women there were friends, and all were more than happy to make their own coffee and tea, and to let me sit and relax.

If it was my MIL, I'd say you were being unreasonable, because she'd insist you sat down, make you a lovely cup of tea, and entertain ds1 for you as well - but if your MIL and relatives are going to make you tired and stressed, then you are not being at all unreasonable not to want them to come.

So what was the outcome of dh's phone call?

YANBU - another vote for day after or not at all

crikey. Even if I wasn't heavily pg and had nothing better to do I wouldn't want to entertain my mil and her entourage without dh there - wouldn't particularly want to do it with him there either but would do it with good grace for him.

but no way would I want to play at hosting a tea party for them without him around. They are not my friends they are his family. SOmetimes you get lucky and they become your friends and adopted family. SOmetimes you get quite lucky and can tolerate them when your dh is there to lessen the impact. And sometimes, they just stay your dh's family and you wonder whatever did they do so that they are so bad but yet your dh is so nice usually.

And I wouldn't expect my dh to entertain my family in similar circumstances unless he wanted to. It's one thing if they are passing by and droping something off if he wants to offer them a cup of tea if he is having one himself. but definitely not to expect for him to entertain them without me.

so no, YADefinitelyNBU to not want them to come around when your dh is not there.

and no, YANBU to not want them the next day, although if you think that they might not come the next day then you might want to risk offering the next day up if you dh definitely will be there too.

is your dh ok about seeing his mum or would he prefer that you 'do' his duty of seeing them without him around? Has he got things to do the next day that he would prefer to be doing than seeing his mum?

Could you be out when they are expected to call (ok so difficult when pg and just wantign to slob, I know) and then when they speak to you later (or when you get back ready to go to sleep and they are still in the car waiting!) you can just keep repeating that you told them that today wasn't convenient and that you now need to rest on midwife's orders. have a nice trip back and goodbye.

which reminds me - just invoke 'my midwife says...' - I must be [insert whatever will make you happy here - in this case something along the lines of be quiet, resting, not messing around entertaining mil etc] - how can she argue with that?

And if she tries to, just ask her if she knows more about pg women than midwives or if she is deliberately trying to make you ill or hurt your new baby by making you go against mw instructions - is she so bad that she would be able to say that she is happy to put her own needs above the health of [you and] her new grandchild?

good luck!

Put your foot down now or she'll be hotfooting it to yours with an even bigger entourage the day the baby arrives.

I agree with JamesAndTheGiantBanana, that it could set a precedent for the visit when you actually have the baby. When I had DS, I simply could not believe how desperate I was for even my mum and brother (whom I never see) to finish their visi, let alone a whole lot of people less connected.

If they do turn up, try meeting them at the door with the news you have told your toddler they are there to see him.... make DC feel a bit special. Let them pull their weight!

And make the tea!

Hoping you are worrying needlessly and that they are not coming....

Oh thank the lord for Saggy's comment - I just can't believe this - and all these posts telling the OP she is not being unreasonable. This is a visit for a few hours FGS not a few weeks or even a few days. WHAT is the problem -pregnancy isn't an illness and I can't believe what wimps some of you young mums are. OK I am a MIL and GM and the mother of 3 sons. When I was 8 months pregnant with my third child I painted the outside of the house - a visit from a relative would have been a walk in the park.

I am staggered at dopeydoot's post suggesting the OP goes out and then tells her MIL that is tired and has to go to bed. And as for the stuff about the midwife and "does the MIL know more than the midwife, making you ill, hurting the new baby etc" - what unbelievable nonsense. This MIL and GM is wanting to visit for God's sake NOT drag her dil around by the hair and kick her in the stomach.

I feel sorry for this MIL - thank god I have very nice dils who would never dream I'm sure of refusing to "allow" me to visit, pregnant or not. Indeed one of my dils worked full time until she was 39 weeks pregnant, and another cared for her disabled mother until hours before she gave birth.

I feel for some of these men who are put in the position of having to tell their mothers they can't visit for no other reason than the dil wants to stay in pjyamas and eat chocolate - how selfish is that.

OK I will now get on my hard hat and take cover.............and await the backlash!

I'm sure you will be in for a bashing NanaNina, but not from me. I agree with you.

OP YANBU!

Nina, you're missing a rather important point, in that the MIL is welcome to visit the following day when the DH is around to help. But she has decided that is too much inconvenience for her because of 'traffic'. Rather selfish to put her own 'traffic' concerns before those of a heavily pregnant woman.

If one more person trots out "pregnancy is not an illness" I shall feel obliged to remind them that the next time they suffer fatigue, fainting, restricted ability to stand up after sitting down, limited ability to walk very far without losing breath, crippling heartburn, vomiting, insomnia, incontinence, repetitive and hideous leg cramps, pelvic pain, backache, swollen hands and feet and occasional abdominal pain I shall have no sympathy for their discomforts either.

Jeez. Pain is pain, whether it's caused by a sprained ankle or a baby kicking your bladder. Have a heart!

I'm 8 months pregnant and have been assembling and moving furniture and will be painting a room tomorrow. But I still have every sympathy for the OP, and would expect my DH to tell my inlaws that they are MOST welcome to visit the following day. And that is the end of the matter. They do not get to invite themselves at their own convenience. Goodness, I thought the older generation understood manners better than that! I wouldn't dream of dictating to another person the date and time of my visit to them - how dreadfully rude!

No Nana-bashing from me.

My MIL is dead and I'd give anything to have her pop round for a couple of hours, even if I was 38 weeks pregnant. She could bring as many relatives as she wanted.

Agree with carrot that pregnancy can be a PITA, but it's not (usually) debilitating. OP doesn't say that she has crippling SPD or anything actually wrong with her; she just can't be arsed to make her MIL a cup of tea, FFS.

Only thing I'm thinking is that I had had my dc2 by 38+6, so OP might not still be pregnant by the time she visits anyway.

I realise I may be being a bit harsh, as I am missing my MIL after our first Christmas without her, but IM(possibly biased)O YABU.

YABU - I am with Nana and Saggy. Seriously? You are too pregnant for 'tea and polite chit chat?'. They are offering to take DS1 out for a few hours fgs! If it is two hours there and two hours back and they have a 10 month old in the car then it is perfectly reasonable for them to want to come on a day when the traffic is lighter. Why are so many people not willing to be accomodating to their MILs? I don't get it.

If you really can't face a house full then YOU (don't make DH do it) call her and say that you are looking forward to everyone meeting the baby when it comes but tbh you can't bear the thought of a housefull so could the entourage be a bit smaller?

Nananina, maybe you are right and I am playing devil's advocate a little.

But, I think you are also missing the point a little...

Maybe you are lucky and you get on well with your DIL and you are all happy to spend time together, regardless of whether or not your ds is there too. And maybe you all had relatively easy pregnancies which didn't leave you completely wiped out by 39 weeks. Which is fantastic for you but it doesn't necessarily follow that everybody will have a great relationship with their MIL or that they will all have an easy pregancy where they are still able to be super active until the very last minute.

The OP's said that her MIL has invited not just herself but several people to tea at a time of her own convenience and is being very pushy about going regardless - despite being told that one day is not convenient for the person who is expected to provide the tea and being given a separate day that is.

Surely you wouldn't expect to invite yourself to tea regardless of whether or not you are told that it is not convenient? And any circumstances the op should not have to give any reason as to 'why' it is inconvenient, the fact it is should be enough. If pregnant even more so - there can be a whole host of personal things that I wouldn't want to have discussed with my mil when I was pregnant that would have been reasons to not want to do something like this.

the op says she has been doing the rounds of visiting over christmas and just wants a bit of a rest and some me time before the baby comes. It doesn't sound like having the mil + entourage will be an easy few hours like it would be if she was a nice understanding MIL. The DIL/MIL relationship is a two way thing - and it doesn't sound here that the MIL is doing a whole lot of giving or understanding.

And sometimes, if a relationship is like that, then yes, you do need to pull out something stronger than you would need with your own family or friends in order to try to get the point across. It certainly wouldn't hurt to see what the reaction is if the OP mentions the MW - would help to give a better indication of whether or not the mil is coming because she is thinking she is helping the op or if she is doing it for her own needs.

OP - has your mil said WHY she wants to come and see you - do you know if she thinks that you will be at home and in need of company as red dragon thinks or does she want to show you off to the other relatives or ??? If you knew you might be able to head it off at the pass - if she thinks you want company then you can say that you don't, if she wants to show you off you can say you really don't feel like being in company or that you'll be good company etc.

OP, hold your ground - you know how you feel and what you feel up to. And how you want your relationship with your mil to go forward - does she often try to dictate things?

Dear Lord, some people seem to have been hiding when the empathy gene was given out...

Agree with saggyhairyarse. It's only for a couple of hours. They don't expect a meal. Ask them nicely if they will make the tea. I think we are all forgetting that pregnancy is not a disease, it's just part of the cycle of life. I think people are becoming so isolated these days. They feel comfortable typing away on MN for hours but feel uncomfortable when actually having to talk face to face with other humans. I love people turning up even if they are passing my home and turn up unannounced. I have a big sign up "My home is only tidy one day a week, sorry you missed it"

I think it's slightly odd to choose to visit your DIL when you know that your son won't be there. I really can't imagine my FIL doing that (MIL is dead) or for that matter either of my parents announcing that they were going to descend on my dh (he is a SAHD) when I am at work. Also after a two hour journey with a 10 month old (and with another two hours to get home again) I don't think that the relatives will be there to look after the OP, or her ds - they will want to be looked after themselves, and made much of for making such a long trip.

I do think pretending you aren't there is not on though.

If she's this pushy, then probably people say no to her all the time. You won't be the first, or the last. If you really can't face it, I would say you've got a midwife appt that day and cancel out on her.
Or if you do go ahead then be totally shameless about it, let ds run riot and just sit there. All 2 y olds are a nightmare, let her practise her excellent parenting skills. I travelled three hours by train to see my cousin just before she gave birth (thinking back, I hope I was invited, or did I just presume she'd be thrilled to see me?!) and on arrival at her house in the middle of nowhere, she had nothing for us to eat except a box of Ritz crackers, so we had just that for lunch. Can remember thinking it was a bit odd and slightly annoying but she was v heavily pregnant and clearly didn't give a shit what I thought, for which I had to admire her!
Another thing you could do to take the heat off you if they do come is invite a girlfriend round for moral support, ideally with a couple of her own kids, so that the whole visit is hellishly like a toddler creche and the ILs will bugger off sharpish...
Above all, remember things don't have to be perfect - and once you've got two kids under 3, they never will be! It's just a case of muddling through and doing the best you can in the circumstances. Sure you will come through smiling, you sound like a really nice person x

YABU, its only a few hours. It will be a slight inconveniance if anything, its nice that she wants to visit you even when her son isn't there. Unless you have SPD or something similar I don't see why its so hard.

I went shopping with my best friend last week. The next day she spent all day shopping with FIL and DGS, DS was at work. Why do people think it strange that a DIL and MIL choose to spend time together without the DH?

That was supposed to be DIL not FIl. Supposed to be working inbetween reading MN

Uriel - are you talking about empathy with the OP or the grandmother? Both deserve empathy and understanding. I do not like the assumption that the MIL is an insensitive, overbearing dragon who will dictate everything and arrive en masse when the baby gets here. FFS the poor woman probably believes she is doing the right thing by driving all that way to shower some attention on DS1 and her DiL.

At least two of the visitors have kids, including MIL so I am sure that they will understand what the last couple of weeks are like. Maybe, other than traffic, she is coming on a day when her son is not around so that she can look after her pregnant DIL?

At the very least, the lady deserves to be told the truth (I think I will not be up to visitors, thanks for the offer I am sure that I will take it up when the baby gets here) than to be fobbed off with daft lies and childish 'pretending not to be in'.