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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not to want to go?

76 replies

chelseamorning · 31/12/2009 14:50

Please read all of this before you decide. Sorry, it's a little long.

My DP of almost 10 years has recently admitted that he doesn't want us to get married. Lots of reasons why but he tells me he still loves me and wants to be with me. We have a 3yr old DS.

We've just received two invitations from his family: a christening soon and a wedding in the summer. To be honest, I get on okay with his family but I wouldn't chose them as my friends. They're totally different from me and probably don't know much about the real me, despite being with my DP for so long. I do try with them but, with very different views on things, I tend to keep quiet rather than rock the boat or risk upsetting them.

Anyway, I've recently found out that my mother's cancer has returned so she is about to embark on more chemo. We'd hoped that after 2 years she was clear.I therefore feel that I want my mother (and the rest of my family) to be my main focus for the coming year.

I really don't want to attend either of my DP's family events, or any others to be frank. I'd rather spend time with my own family than with his family. In addition, I feel that if DP doesn't want to marry me, why should I put in any more effort to be by his side at such events? Childish perhaps but that's how I feel at the moment.

So, please help me to put things into perspective. I'm a bit emotional at the moment so I'd appreciate your views.

OP posts:

Original poster

chelseamorning · 31/12/2009 14:51

Typical. I should have read the title before submitting. I should have said 'AIBU to not want to go'!

OP posts:

Matchingcardiganandtop · 31/12/2009 14:53

YABU

Original poster

chelseamorning · 31/12/2009 14:53

Why, Matching? Please explain.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 31/12/2009 14:56

Sorry that you are feeling down. You dont have to go if you dont want to. You said that your dp has decided that he does not want to get married is that what you want or wanted for the future? does that affect how you feel about his family, mabey subconcisouly you feel that as he does not want to get married why do you have to make ther effort with his family and feel a bit dishartened. Its just my guess thats all. How do you feel about his decision? Are you happy with it?

sarah293 · 31/12/2009 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

2rebecca · 31/12/2009 14:58

I wouldn't be happy if long term partner wouldn't marry me, but then I wouldn't move in with and have kids by a bloke without the legal backing of marriage. If they don't want to be committed they can go elsewhere.
Your mum's cancer though sad sounds a feeble excuse for missing 2 widely spaced out events in your partner's family.
I would sit down and talk to him and tell him that you feel rejected by him not wanting to marry you and that it does make you not want to make an effort with his family's events.

KurriKurri · 31/12/2009 14:58

Firstly, I'm very sorry about your Mum, it must be very hard for you and I can understand why you are feeling emotional.

It sounds as if your DP has reached a decision on whether you get married or not, that you are not happy with. Do you feel he's not considering your point of view properly?

But I would go to the family events,partly out of courtesy to the people who have invited you, but also because you don't want to get into a sort of tit for tat situation where neither of you goes to the others events.

pranma · 31/12/2009 14:59

YANBU-by saying he doesnt want to get married he is denying you a place in his extended family-a 'partner' is not a d-i-l or s-i-l.I know many of you will disagree with that but it is true-it is different if not marrying is a mutual decision but this isnt.Therefore you have no obligation to go to 'family'events unless you want to.
I am so sorry to hear about your mum,she will need you and you sound like a lovely daughter.

Matchingcardiganandtop · 31/12/2009 15:00

Because as you yourself admit you are being childish.

Some people just don't do marriage. You have a child you have been together for 10 years there is a commitment. To start boycotting events because he does not want to show commitment in the way you choose is unfair.

His family are also your child's family.

Pikelit · 31/12/2009 15:01

I do understand where you are coming from but actually think it is a place where your DP's statement of intent about marriage is colouring your attitude. I also see why you'll want to focus on your mother's illness but think that you need to include happy events in the coming year too.

I'd never have willingly chosen my ex-ILS as companions, let alone start showing them whatever the "real me" was - they had enough difficulty with their version! But thus is often the case and you really do just get on with things. It isn't very fair to punish your DP being their offspring AND for his refusal to marry you though.

Personally, I'd far rather live in a state of unmarried happiness than I would married misery.

pigletmania · 31/12/2009 15:03

I am thinking if getting married to him is what you really want and will affect things between you and him than you have to evaluate your relationship as you would both want differnt things.

sarah293 · 31/12/2009 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pigletmania · 31/12/2009 15:05

I would personally go to those things, why should two spaced out events affect you looking after your mum, i see it like others on here as a bit of an exucse because really you dont want to go. At the end of the day you can pick your dps dh etc but you cannot pick your family, sounds as though you have not given them a chance unless its what i have said previously.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 31/12/2009 15:06

YANBU if by going to these family events you will miss important time with your mother but YABU if you want to pay him back for refusing to marry you by not going.

Now that he has said he doesn't want to get married you have to make a choice to accept that and just live with him or separate.

What do you want more - to be with him but without the wedding and marriage you want, or marriage but with someone you haven't met yet.

pigletmania · 31/12/2009 15:06

sorry meant to say that you cant pick their family. I would love it if there were no ILs just us together, the interferrence of them really does get into the say sometimes.

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 31/12/2009 15:11

oh, you poor thing - of course you have to be there for your mum. I completely understand where you are coming from on lots of points.

My partner (17 Years and counting)doesn't want to be married either, and it niggles and could have become a serious issue but its not worth it - its just that he doesn't want to be married, he is commited to me and loves me. He describes me as his wife though - twonk I don't take it personally anymore. I think he worries that it would change things - he could be right. But thats us. I certainly wouldnt want to force him into marrying me as i think it would always be in the back of my mind that he didnt really want to.

I went to his brothers wedding and i have to say i was a spoilt brat about the whole thing - because i felt slighted and unworthy, but that was my own thoughts, DPs families, whilst being poles apart from me and a bit dull, are lovely people and have always made me more than welcome. Especially as i have a child from a previous relationship. They have always included her.

Your mum will definately need you to be there for her this year, but you need to be positive and up beat. I certainly wouldnt change your plans on her behalf just now - that would be quite unsettling. OF course, God forbid, if she does become sick or the treatment is making her bad at the time of the events then of course you must be with your mum.

Play it by ear, say you'll go - its not written in stone is it, you can always change your mind but it will become a wedge if you turn it into issue.

Pikelit · 31/12/2009 15:11

I'm not the greatest fan of marriage but what I do know is that it shouldn't be used as a form of punishment! If your dp doesn't want to marry you, tackle that issue - if necessary (and sadly given that you say you love each other) by making the difficult decision to strike out alone and hope to find someone who will marry you. But don't use your current partner's refusal to walk you up the aisle as some sort of sanction to be applied whenever you want to make life difficult for him.

gingernutlover · 31/12/2009 15:11

i think you need to have a proper talk about how you feel with your partner

refusing to go to 2 days worth of his families evnts isnt really going to impact on the amount of support you give your mum (obviously if the dates clashed with treatments dates etc then thats different)

but refusing to go to events because he wont marry you will seem unreasonable to a lot fo people.

Had he made you think you would eventually get married? What are his reasons for not getting married?

I personally dont understand why you wouldnt marry someone if you have been with someone for 10 years and had a baby with them and are intending to stay with them long term, what's his problem with marriage? And are his misgivings about marriage in general more important than your relationship?

mumto2andnomore · 31/12/2009 15:15

I think hes being very unreasonable by not marrying you as its obviously what you really want.If he loves you and has a child with you then why not ?On that basis you are not being unreasonable by not doing things you dont want to do

sorry about your mum.

pigletmania · 31/12/2009 15:18

I know for me that if my dh had not wanted to marry that would have imapcted on things as i would have. If we had children i personally would want to be married, so i would have broken up with him but, you might not mind its how you feel about marriage and him making that decision, it has to be mutual not one sided.

diddl · 31/12/2009 15:23

I agree that 2 events aren´t really going to impact on time with your mum.

But, you are either a couple or you´re not!

Pikelit · 31/12/2009 15:23

There's nothing worse than discovering you are married to someone who thought it'd be easier to give in to the pressure. Such marriages are truly not worth the paper that the certificate is printed on.

But I am surprised that you didn't discuss the matter of getting married before having your child - I'm not being Victorian here - because I'd have thought you'd want to know that you shared similar views over something as fundamental as marriage.

Sheet · 31/12/2009 15:25

I think it's perfectly reasonable to reassess your commitment to him in light of his recent pronouncement re his commitment to you. And that includes your commitment to his family.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother.

pigletmania · 31/12/2009 15:29

I would prefer the other partner to state their intentions before getting really serious, if they did not want to get married i would want out. For me getting married is a natural progression in a relationship if you are both committed to each other, and would want that committment in reasonable time from a partner. For others though its not important just a piece of paper which means nothing.

mumeeee · 31/12/2009 15:29

YABU, I agree with matching. If you are unhappy about your DP not wnting to marry you than you should sit down and talk to him.
You can concentrate on your mother and go to your DP's family events.

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