to not to want to go?

[chelseamorning]

Please read all of this before you decide. Sorry, it's a little long.

My DP of almost 10 years has recently admitted that he doesn't want us to get married. Lots of reasons why but he tells me he still loves me and wants to be with me. We have a 3yr old DS.

We've just received two invitations from his family: a christening soon and a wedding in the summer. To be honest, I get on okay with his family but I wouldn't chose them as my friends. They're totally different from me and probably don't know much about the real me, despite being with my DP for so long. I do try with them but, with very different views on things, I tend to keep quiet rather than rock the boat or risk upsetting them.

Anyway, I've recently found out that my mother's cancer has returned so she is about to embark on more chemo. We'd hoped that after 2 years she was clear.I therefore feel that I want my mother (and the rest of my family) to be my main focus for the coming year.

I really don't want to attend either of my DP's family events, or any others to be frank. I'd rather spend time with my own family than with his family. In addition, I feel that if DP doesn't want to marry me, why should I put in any more effort to be by his side at such events? Childish perhaps but that's how I feel at the moment.

So, please help me to put things into perspective. I'm a bit emotional at the moment so I'd appreciate your views.

Amerryscot, that's the old-fashioned view. Tis a pity that so many thousands of older women endured years of unhappy and often abusive marriages because living together was "living in sin" and frowned-upon, and so was divorce. Maybe if they HAD lived together first they would have realised their partner was a loser and been able to avoid years of misery.

I lived with my DH before we were married, had never lived with anyone else prior to that. The experience only served to clarify to me that he was indeed the love of my life and made me absolutely 100% sure when the marriage ceremony came round. I knew that if I could put up with his bad points (tiny, trivial points of irritation really, that only showed up when we were living together) then he was definitely the one for me.

Nappyaddict, I may be wrong but I think that 2Rebecca was saying she wouldn't move in and have children without being married,not that she wouldn't live together at all. In any case, even if that is what she was saying, what is so wrong with that attitude? When I got married, it was much less common to live together first. Certainly most of my friends, like us, did not move in together until we were married. For some it did not work out. For others it did. Just as unmarried couples sometimes stay together and sometimes don't. If I was ever in the situation of starting a new relationship, I would probably live together. But I would regard that only as a precursor to marriage. Without doubt, there is no way I would have had children without being married.

FWIW, I think the OP's DP's sister's divorce is a red herring. Surely any relationship breakdown will cause a certain amount of fall out, married or not. Especially where there is a child. To me, that sounds like an excuse. I do think though, that this should have been sorted out before the children came along. At this stage, I would not be asking if IABU not to attend weddings etc, I would be questioning his commitment to me and our child and wondering whether I wanted to continue in this relationship where his wishes are paramount without any consideration for me or our child.

We didn't live together before we were married 23 years ago. That was the norm then and it hasn't done us any harm. We certainly didn't break up at the first tiff. We knew we were in a life-long relationship and had to work through any difficulties. We also accepted that we married into one another's families and took our vows seriously.

So are you all saying if you had fallen pregnant by accident before getting married you would have had a termination?

Haven't you ever heard of a shotgun wedding, nappyaddict?

I hate to bring it up but have you considered the consequences of not being married on your child and the remaining partner if one of you should die?

Not wishing this on you in any way and it is a horrible thing to think of, but even worse to end up in a situation and discover that because you're not married you don't have any rights, if you own your house together and haven't written a will then the law dictates how it is left (and depending on value, a portion will be left in trust to the child which can screw up the remaining parent selling up and moving on), can't leave money/house etc tax free to partner, no input into funeral etc etc...

there are others on here who will be able to put the details in here much better than I can but it is definitely worth looking at to see what the implications of not being married are should something happen to one of you and making a joint decision that you are prepared to put up with being not married and the ramifications for your child. And at least get a will made so that you don't end up with half the house ending up belonging to your daughter and parents in law or something along those lines!

I know a couple of couples that had been ticking along quite happily 'not married' that ended up realising that should something happen to one of them it would cause major problems to the partner and children left behind, so one had a small wedding for a handful of family and a party later on in the evening that the invited friends coming thought was a birthday party - except a wedding cake came out instead of a birthday cake and that was the announcement. others just got married in a registry office one lunchtime, couple of witnesses off the street, treated it as an administrative thing and didn't celebrate or tell parents etc.

good luck - but please do investigate this!

How can you get pregnant by accident?

YABU - its only 2 events and the christening isn't even a whole day and it will not impact on the care you give your mum.

re: his reasons for not marrying you, i think you need to make it clear how much it means to you, how you already feel part of his life and his family and that you'd really like to formalise it. He's already made a big committment by being with you for 10 years and having a child with you. Are you planning on any more children?

As others posters have said it can be really low key etc.

No Nappyaddict, just that if that had happened, we would have brought the wedding date forward. As it happens, since we still lived at home with our respective parents at the time we married, the opportunities were few and far between. As mvemjsunp says, that was pretty much the norm back then ( nearly 30 years ago. Even though we had the big church wedding, had an 'accident' occurred, the wedding would have been brought forward to ensure I was married at the time of the birth. That also was generally accepted as the norm in those circumstances.

Understandable that, if you two are not getting married, attending someone elses wedding at the moment might make you very upset and not a very happy guest!

OP - am so very sorry to hear about your mother. And I also understand about the whole thing where it makes you reevaluate your life and priorities.

However I am still going to say YABU.

You have been together 10 years, live together and have a child together. Of course marriage is a huge committment, but IMO having a child together is equally huge. His family are your DC's family.

Of course you can choose not to attend these events, but once you have not gone, you cannot undo that action. Do you really want to have a life with your DP and have nothing to do with his family? I would think very carefully about the potential future impact of not going to these events.

It does sound as though you are using the whole marriage thing as a stick to punish your DP with. Are you prepared for the fact that it could backfire?

I wouldn't in general choose to live with someone without being married.
I'd stay overnight at his place and he at mine as happened before my first marriage but I didn't give up my independance and financial security until I was married. OK I was lucky and was financially independant (but think all women should be) but I don't see the point of living with someone without the financial security of marriage. I'm not religious at all, and had a secular wedding and in both of my weddings had the wedding within 6 months of deciding to get married.
I think if you wait 2-3 years before getting married after you start going out with them and you are round each others houses alot (I think renting somewhere with friends is much better than going from living with parents to getting married as easier to assess a man that way).
If I did live with someone without being married it would be a rented place, I wouldn't want a joint mortgage with someone not committed to me.
Iwas happy living on my own though.

To be honest if my parents would disown me just for getting married quickly and quietly without them I'd feel better off without them if they are so shallow and selfish.
Registry off ice weddings are very quick to arrange. You could even get married and just tell them months later.

I guess that you just have to decide if you want to be with him or not. I think that it is ok to miss his family events if he is ok with that and if it wont actually affect your relationship with him. My DH hardly ever accompanies me to things, though he would always come to weddings, he usually misses family holidays and get togethers.

I think that choosing not to attend the events is like saying that you don't really want to be with him and support him any more. You will have to make your own mind up as to whehter him saying that he doesn't want to get married is doing the same thing, or whether he has really valid reasons for not wanting to do that.

I hope you manage to sort this out and that you get your head straight. I imagine it must be very hard to deal with when you are also worried about your mum.

From what you say, it's you who has decided to change the ground-rules of your relationship, not him. He has never suggested it, or agreed to it when you brought it up. So I don't think it's fair of you to change the way you behave towards his family because of it.

But if you want to sort out the legal and financial implications of having a child together, plus a mortage or rent agreement, then I think that's a good plan. You might find that the CAB or a lawyer say the simplest and easiest method would be marriage, which might convince your partner to do it just as a practicality.

But I don't think you can say he's being unfair when you were happy to move in and have a child together without marriage. If it was that important to you, the best time to have mentioned it was before you got pregnant, or as soon as it happened if it wasn't planned. Your feelings have changed - not unusual, but that doesn't mean his automatically have to change to fit in with what you now want.

Thanks so much for all your input. Some good reasoning here!

I don't want to force him into marriage and I've certainly not tried to mislead him. I've been trying to talk about marriage for 3 years! I just like to have an open discussion and to be given a clear argument as to why not. I can accept a 'no' so long as I can see his point of view. All these waffling reasons just make me feel unsettled and vulnerable in the relationship.

Anyway, having read all your comments, I've decided to support my mum as much as I can, keep things light and just to have a good time. Cheers, ladies!

xx

Good luck Chelseamorning. Glad you are not going to try and pressure him into marriage - while it is possible to get a man to marry you by a combination of crying/pleading/sulking/withholding sex/bribery, even, it's only worth doing if you are prepared for every post wedding row to end up with 'Well it was you who wanted to get married...'

Sorry what I meant was what if you'd fallen pregnant before the question of marriage had even come up, not when you were already engaged. If you hadn't been together long enough to know whether you wanted to marry them would you have just got married because you were pregnant? Sorry I just find it hard to get my head around.

Getting pregnant by accident isn't exactly impossible is it. Both the combined and mini pill can fail you even if you take it 100% perfectly, i know people who have fallen pregnant on the implant, a condom can split or even fall off etc

So, would you go if he said he would marry you? seems a little petty if the answer is yes IMO ~ not that I'm any kind of expert in relationships of course.

Actually Nappyaddict, in our case, we did not 'indulge' as it were, until we had decided to get married and set a date. I appreciate that these days that would be unusual, but back in the day, it was quite normal! We had been 'courting' for about four years before we 'did the deed'.

Just for the record, I've persuaded my DP into marriage with a fair amount of wailing (but without withholding sex ) but much more than that I explained my view and the reasons why it was so important to me ad nauseum. When he (finally) did see my side, he agreed to it with me. He would have to be a bit dim to say in the future 'well it was you who wanted to...' - the marriage is just an extension of the relationship isn't it? Or do you think he would claim the fact we were married ruined our relationship? I don't think it can unless you've married to 'save' a failing relationship or if you're actually the sort of person who thinks they don't have to try any more once they have a ring on their finger neither of which is true in our case.

Relationships often involve conflict of expectations in these things and in fairness a deal must be reached that keeps both happy. 'We're all right as we are' or 'I don't like the idea' doesn't really cut it when your actions are making your partner feel vulnerable. If you're like me, those feelings will grow into indignance and anger. I think perhaps you know this which is why seeing others getting married doesn't much appeal.

OP, if your DP hasn't been able to give you any reasons perhaps he doesn't know what the reasons are. Arm yourself with those reasons and have a proper discussion. You may find he ends up thinking it was all his idea. You can't force someone to marry you but you can force them to look at the issue and hear what you're saying and why.

Just read some of the comments and no-one seems to be saying this, but surely marriage is where you formalize your relationship in the eyes of your family and friends? Last civil ceremony I went to certainly said that, and I know Christian religious ones do. I think your partner is entitled not to want to get married (though I can understand you're sad and wish you luck persuading him). But, given that, how is it unreasonable of you to say, 'I've not got any of the benefits of marriage, why should I have to act out the tedious bits?'

I wouldn't go to an family event in this situation, when he's made it perfectly clear that he sees your partnership as being stable and in no way a pre-marriage state. Is he strongly insisting you go, or did he just suggest you could, btw? Makes a difference.

YANBU, at all. Your boyfriend wants all the perks of marriage without any of the costs.

If he wants you to be part of his family (and all the boring ceremonies that go with that) why won't he marry you? And, seriously, his parents will disown him if he doesn't have the wedding THEY want? Wow!

Time for your boyfriend to cut the apron strings and focus on the family he has with you and your son.

Sorry about your mum. Hard situation.

When my now dh went through his not wanting to get married stage for me it felt like I wasn't "good" enough for him to want to show the world etc etc I had no doubts he was committed to me, loved me etc etc but getting married did make a difference for the better.