to not to want to go?

[chelseamorning]

Please read all of this before you decide. Sorry, it's a little long.

My DP of almost 10 years has recently admitted that he doesn't want us to get married. Lots of reasons why but he tells me he still loves me and wants to be with me. We have a 3yr old DS.

We've just received two invitations from his family: a christening soon and a wedding in the summer. To be honest, I get on okay with his family but I wouldn't chose them as my friends. They're totally different from me and probably don't know much about the real me, despite being with my DP for so long. I do try with them but, with very different views on things, I tend to keep quiet rather than rock the boat or risk upsetting them.

Anyway, I've recently found out that my mother's cancer has returned so she is about to embark on more chemo. We'd hoped that after 2 years she was clear.I therefore feel that I want my mother (and the rest of my family) to be my main focus for the coming year.

I really don't want to attend either of my DP's family events, or any others to be frank. I'd rather spend time with my own family than with his family. In addition, I feel that if DP doesn't want to marry me, why should I put in any more effort to be by his side at such events? Childish perhaps but that's how I feel at the moment.

So, please help me to put things into perspective. I'm a bit emotional at the moment so I'd appreciate your views.

I am very old fashioned and traditional really. White church wedding thats me

YANBU for not wanting to go, but how much effort is it to go to a Christening?

By not going, you are not doing anything to build your relationship with either your DP or his family.

Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do.

Sorry about the return of your mum's cancer.

Neither of us wish to marry. For the simple reason that we have yet to find a good reason to upset the state of unmarried contentment we live in! If we were younger and wished to have our own children, things would have been different. If I were the OP, I'd have wanted to know how my partner viewed our marital status rather earlier than ten years and one child in though. Right now I'm sure I would feel equally disappointed and surprised to be told that marriage wasn't on the cards.

But marriage should never be seen as the only outward demonstration of commitment and disinterest in getting married cannot be explained away by the unimportant piece of paper theory.

It does sound right now as though you're saying ' You won't marry me so I am going to be childish and sulky and difficult about everything.' WHich is hardly the way to get him to change his mind, is it?
I appreciate that you are upset about your mum but TBH when looking after another person who is physically or mentally ill, one thing you do need as a carer is the occasional break and change of scene.
You probably need to have a calm talk with your DP about why marriage means so much to you and why he doesn't want to marry you - basically try to understand each other's point of view. Separate that out from your understandable anxiety about your mum, and leave the invitations for later on, there's surely not that much of a rush to answer them.

YANBU - if you don't want to go and don't enjoy the events and feel like an outsider, why should you? You have your own family to focus on and an ill mother who needs you. Surely your dp can go without you? Dh and I both have large extended families spread in several countries, and we often go to family events by ourselves or just with the children.

But YA probably BU if the only reason for not going is to punish him for not getting married.

Has he said why he doesn't want to get married? Surely you could just formalise your relationship with a quick ceremony if it's the whole shebang he is objecting to. Or is it that he just doesn't feel the nee to marry to prove his love.

Might be worth pushing the whole 'what will happen to our kids if something were to happen to me' angle?

Why doesn't he want to marry you?

It really depends on how you see your future. If you decide that you are happy to stay as you are thebit would be unreasonable to stop going to family events together and anyway that sounds to me like the first step in starting to seperate your lives.

If you decide you cannot be with him for ever without being marriEd then you are not unreasonable to stop going to family events.

I was in my 20's with no kids then when we got married, if my dh had said that he did not want to than that would be it as we would both want different things in life.

I think you havce to separate out the different things happening in your life here. I know it all feels connected, but I think you have to look at how you deal with each one separately if you want to get a bit of perspective on it.

Your mum's chemo - sorry to hear it's back, after you'd hoped she was clear. Of course you want to make her, and the rest of your family, your main focus this year. That's normal, but it doesn't automatically mean you have to time or energy for anything else.

Your partner's family - how have you felt about them and related to them for the past 10 years? If you have spent time with them up to now, and the only thing that has "changed" is that you are still not married, then I don't think it's proportionate to suddenly cut yourself off from them. You can pick how involvd with them you want to be - not everyone has that much involvement with their partner's family, whether or not they are married.

The biggy, marriage itself. You say he's just admitted he doesn't want to. Has he been less-than-honest up till now then? Or just avoided the issue? I'm guessing after 10 years and having a child, maybe you might have guessed he wasn't keen? Why does him coming out with the truth give you such a problem? I think you need to talk through with him how you feel about it, and wy it hurts. I don't know what you can do about it - there's not much room for compromise - you either marry or don't - but if you knew why he didn't want to, and really understood that, then maybe it wouldn't feel so bad. Equally if he knew just how much you wanted it, maybe he'd reconsider. But I don't think coercing him onto it will fix anything.

I've recently coerced my boyfriend into marrying me!

Perhaps our situation was a bit similar. We've only been together three years and have a baby DS. DP was against marriage as an institution, stupid tradition, we were committed without it blah blah.

In the end I made him see how important it was to me, that I wanted it, deserved and by god would bally well have it.

And one night over more saki than a breastfeeding woman should have had, a deal was hashed out.

He's not unhappy with it now.

At time I was so angry I was prepared to walk away.

There is many a thread on here about it.

Congratulations on your engagement, maki

As for those who don't want to get married - a lot of people say that they don't need a piece of paper, blah blah blah. But turn that on its head and ask, "what is the harm of that piece of paper"?

Chelsea you say your DP has explained his reasons - I don't know what they are but when my DP explained his I didn't really rate them and his 'case' rather fell away. He still doesn't really feel it fits his image but hey ho, as a very astute poster on one of my many threads on the matter said, if he wanted to be a freedom fighter he shouldn't have got shacked up, had a baby and adopted another should he...

If marriage is what you want, hold out for it and don't listen to those who say it's worth nothing if you have to extract it. I would have loved not have had to extract it of course, and I never got a romantic proposal, but I do get a marriage and a rock.

I'm sorry about your mum and for what it's worth I don't think you're being unreasonable for not feeling like going the extra mile for him when he won't for you.

Thanks mvem

"In addition, I feel that if DP doesn't want to marry me, why should I put in any more effort to be by his side at such events?" I think that comment is the crux of the matter. You feel understandably let down by your DP if he's backtracking about marriage now after already agreeing to it before. However, it IS normal for partners to attend weddings and christenings, married or not. So I don't think the two things are related. And I don't think the fact that your mum is ill has anything to do with the christening and wedding. Unless she is seriously ill when it comes to those dates then of course, you should attend as your DP's partner. If, god forbid, it turns out she is really ill when the christening and wedding come round then it would obviously be understandable if you decided at the last minute not to go. But to plan NOW not to go seems a bit premature, and more to do with how you are feeling let down by your partner I think.

Also, you say you don't really get on with his family and wouldn't choose to be with them so why should you go to his family's events? Well, you go because you're a couple and it's important to your partner that you are there as a couple. If they are actually not very nice and are atually nasty towards you then cleary it's a different matter. But if it's just that they are "not your kind of people" then that's just not good enough reason not to go. Coupledom involves compromise, and attending in-laws family events that you'd rather not be at is just part of that. Most people wouuld rather spend time with their own family than their partner's family, it's understandable, but it's just the right thing to do to support your partner.

Come to think of it, if he's well aware of how you feel about his family and you not being prepared to put yourself out a bit to spend time with them when he does, then maybe that says something about your relationship together and maybe that's the reason he's wondering about whether marriage is the right thing?

Well, we don't know, as you haven't been back on to give any more details of his reasons for not marrying. So I don't suppose there's must reason for us speculating about the situation.

had you been planning a wedding. or planning to get hitched? You must be really upset.

I can see what others are saying...you can't change a relationship by sulking. But I'd react exactly as you are!
I might be persuaded to go to the Christening, but no way would I go to a family wedding with him!! If he doesn't do weddings, then he doesn't do weddings! He either doesn't believe in marriage, in which case he shouldn't want to go, or he just isn't commited to you, in which case you really need to re-evaluate your relationship.

Firstly, of course your mother's health will take up much of your time this year (and I hope that she takes up some of your time for many more years!).

But as to the relationship with your DP, you are obviously hurt but it will do no good whatsoever to just act as the resentful partner. As others have said, you need to decide whether you are willing to continue as his partner - and if so you must so cheerfully - or whether you would rather leave and look for marriage elsewhere. Its a difficult decision and the first alternative is obviously not your ideal situation - but if you accept it you must do so wholeheartedly (I make a slight exception for the family wedding here, in view of his recent pronunciation, but not the christening). To plod along as a couple whilst resenting his decision will almost inevitably lead to a break up. Of course that might be on the cards anyway - some people don't get married because they don't believe in it, others because they are waiting for a better offer. Maybe you need to have a frank discussion with him before making your decision, but if the decision is to stay then do so without obvious resentment.

2Rebecca So you wouldn't want to live with someone before marriage? Surely most couples move in before getting married especially as it is a good way to find out if you are really made for each other and can put up with each other's habit which you may not find out about until living with them?

OP- you say you don't want to go to these events cos you want to spend time with your family instead. Fair enough but are you really going to send every single day with your family over the next year? I doubt it, so surely you could see your family on a different day to the one when DP's family events are? If it were my family and they hadn't done anything wrong I would be majorly pissed off if my DP refused to have anything to do with them.

abbie I don't think that's true at all. People came to my DS' christening who are Athiest because they came to support me and my DS on an important day for us. I don't think they responsed to any of the service or sang any of the hymns but they were there and that's what mattered. I would have been quite hurt if they had turned around and said sorry we can't come, we don't believe in God.

Thanks so much for all the replies! I've been cleaning the house ready for the New Year so I've not had chance to logon!

Not sure where to start now. Haven't got much time to reply but here are some ramblings. Thanks for helping me to organise my mind though!

Marriage - We were both happy to amble along in our relationship for the first few years without being married. However my feelings really changed when our DS came along as I felt a real need to be part of a proper married unit. I don't know why. I therefore mentioned it to DP who seemed a bit shocked but said that, as we'd started discussing the subject, we'd just park it for a while and then pick it up later. That was nearly 3 years ago. Since then, I've tried to bring up the subject but he becomes very uncomfortable. He's really really bad at talking about his feelings and his thoughts (I blame the parents!). I certainly don't want to push him into it and I'm certainly not trying to punish him for not wanting it too! This is my second serious long-term relationship and I'm the sort of person (Libran!) who needs to have a plan for the next few years and to know where I'm heading.

Reasons for not marrying? Very sketchy and not really articulated. Include: we're okay as we are... we don't like a fuss so we could just get hitched on the quiet but then that would really upset his parents and they'd disown him... etc etc. His sister was divorced a few years ago so he's probably seen how much of a mess it could cause. Incidentally, I've always been very civil towards his family so this isn't a reason why DP doesn't want to marry me. In fact, I've not told him yet that I'm debating whether or not to attend the events.

His family - They're nice but no substance. My DP's family all send letters to us addressed to 'Mr and Mrs...' which annoys me now! They're family to our DS in name only. They're happy to show him off to their friends but rarely spend any time playing with him. Poor thing is bored when we visit them.

I'm sorry. I need to have more time to read your comments and to answer them more thoroughly. Ultimately though, mum's cancer has made me readdress my life and I sometimes feel that life's too short to spend time with people I don't give a tuppence for.

chelsea Why don't you suggest getting married on the quiet and just invited both your parents and perhaps siblings if you have any?

And then just go for a pub lunch or something afterwards/small buffet at home?

YANBU. Bit of a cheek to expect you to go to a wedding when he isn't letting you have one yourself. You are quite right at this time to be thinking of suiting yourself.

"we don't like a fuss so we could just get hitched on the quiet but then that would really upset his parents and they'd disown him"

It's not for everyone, this - DH and I don't like a fuss but wanted to get married so opted for the wedding abroad on our own. It was just a nice holiday really with the marriage ceremony thrown in. Had a lot of hints from parents about cheapo flights to the Caribbean in the run-up to going so both sets of parents eventually came but we insisted no other family. Neither sets of parents stayed in our hotel so it didn't feel too claustrophobic but in the end we were glad they were there with us.

Second choice was Elvis marrying us in Vegas - again, with no family attending. I'm sure we would have loved that but it just felt liek it would have been that wee bit too tacky!!

To appease the rellies we had a party on our return. Sounds expensive but in fact it was all so much cheaper in total than a big traditional wedding.

So, there ARE ways to do it without a fuss. So if it's just the marriage you want then make him see that there are ways. If it's the big white affair that YOU want, but he doesn't, then I can quite understand why he doesn't want that.

I suppose you have to get to the bottom of which it is with him - the TYPE of wedding, or the marriage itself.

nappyaddict, I didn't live with my husband-to-be (or anyone else) before getting married. It really isn't necessary.