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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my parents to look after my children when I go to a wedding?

74 replies

BabsRolls · 31/12/2009 09:27

Am I going mad or is this strange behaviour? I live 400 miles away from family so have no back-up childcare for my 3 yr old and 5 yr old. My parents are in their early 60's and are fit and healthy. They like to see their grandchildren but for some reason shy away from actually looking after them. They have no other grandchildren. My husband's colleague has invited us to her wedding early next year but only family children are allowed, i.e. not ours. My parents want to come up during that time but say that looking after my son & daughter would be too much for them and would prefer to leave the day before the wedding. Their behaviour tends makes me irrationally feel that there is something wrong with me and my children. My kids are normal with no problems I can see. The only people who make negative comments about them are my parents. Conversely my in-laws who are in their early 70's and have 3 other grandchildren cannot do enough for us and love their grandchildren to bits. Am I going mad? Is it unreasonable to expect my parents to help our when I see them once every 3 months? Should I zero all childcare expectations? Was my mother's experience as a single mum so awful she can't bear the thought of caring for kids ever again? Has anyone else come across this behaviour? How should I deal with it?

OP posts:
LauraIngallsWilder · 31/12/2009 09:31

I think you are being unreasonable to 'expect' your parents to do anything - its their choice not yours

They obviously are not confident about looking after children - I think you should respect that

And find an alternative person to care for your children that day - or dont go

EldonAve · 31/12/2009 09:33

YABU
I wouldn't expect to leave my children with someone who only sees them every 3 mths

Bambinoloveseggbirds · 31/12/2009 09:33

Can you not ask your in-laws to look after them?

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 31/12/2009 09:35

Its not just about this one day, why don't you ask them why they don't want to be alone with them?

LadyBiscuit · 31/12/2009 09:36

I don't think you can expect childcare from grandparents, it's lovely if they feel able to do it but if they feel that it's too much responsibility to look after them then I don't think there's not much you can do about it I'm afraid. You may find they are more willing once your children are older and a bit more self-sufficient. 3 and 5 are quite demanding ages and I can see why they might feel that's a bit too much for them to cope with.

You can get a nanny for the day quite easily so I'd do that.

Original poster
BabsRolls · 31/12/2009 09:42

Thanks. Yes the conclusion I'm coming to is to expect no help. Its just quite difficult when they come to stay and there are extra pairs of hands here but offer no help. I have to pretend they are not here and take my children with me even on small trips to the shops etc. But yes I have to develop a thick skin and get over it.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 31/12/2009 09:43

that is a bit odd. I know the general answer on these threads is parents have done their bit etc etc but I do find it odd when family don't want to help each other.

Runoutofideas · 31/12/2009 09:44

I don't think it's anything to do with the children as such, I think they have just lost confidence in looking after children after years of not having to do it. My mum says that she sees looking after my children as a much bigger responsibility now than looking after us ever used to be. She feels she's not as on the ball about what they could get up to, even though she's physically fit and late 50's. I think your parents are probably scared of something going wrong and feel unable to cope with the responsibility. Pain in the neck for you but probably something you just have to accept i'm afraid...

StealthPolarBear · 31/12/2009 09:46

and a 3 and 5 yo should be fine while you pop to the shop for half an hour - chances are they could get away with doing nothing

porcamiseria · 31/12/2009 09:46

unfortunately some grandparents are not up for helping (mine are the same). Its upsetting I know, but very common. I had a very similar issue and have decided to let it pass....as I dont want a falling out and everyone is different.

so let it be and try not to have a massive barney with them, use the In Laws or dont go!

Kizzipoppet · 31/12/2009 09:48

I do feel for you, its hard when one set are really hands on and one are not. My MIL is fantastic and proactivley offers to have mine (one at a time!) for days and half days so I can get on and do things / have a break, will happily babysit and/or have them overnight. However, my Dad is the least hands on grandpa you could ever imagine. He forgets their birthdays and frankly, I wouldnt leave them with him as he just doesnt know them well enough. My mum is fantastic in an emergency to look after kids, but would never dream of offering to have them for any length of time. Although she loves seeing them and is great with them. With DS1 I had a couse at work I went on when he was about 3mths old, she kindly looked afer him for the morning. I came back, exhausted having had a bad night and done a half day work, she proclaimed she was exhausted after looking after DS1 and had a nap before she left. Didnt offer to let me have a nap!!! Anyhow, so I am of the feeling that it is a bit pot luck of how your parents/in laws are with grandchildren. There is nothing wrong with you or your children, I just think your parents dont feel maybe confident to have them for any length of time for their own reasons. I am glad you have a good support with inlaws, that is at least a blessing. I wonder when children get a bit older that maybe your parents might maybe offer.

TuttiFrutti · 31/12/2009 09:49

I actually think your parents are being quite selfish. If they are relatively young and healthy, have no other grandchildren and don't get to see the 2 they have very often, why wouldn't they want to help out a bit?

Obviously it is their call, and you can't "expect" them to help, but I think if I were in their shoes I would be wanting to help my daughter. It's a bit like having a house guest who refuses to do any washing up - yes, they are within their rights, but they won't make any friends that way.

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 31/12/2009 10:36

YABVU

My mother hardly ever looks after DD, because she can't cope for long periods of time. I would never dream of asking her to babysit while i went to a wedding - these things start at about 2 and go on all night. So that means, preparing meals and putting to bed. Its not like they could say - its OK mummy will be back soon.

Its too much to ask imo - also not fair on the children as they are not used to your parents being around. My ILs would happily have our DD but as we dont see much of them, my DD wouldnt like it.

Going to have to suck it up and not go im afraid. A really good friend of mine got married last year, we didn't go for this very reason. Yeah, i was gutted that i missed my friends wedding, but its all part of being a parent.

madamearcati · 31/12/2009 10:40

It sounds as though they lack confidence in their ability to cope , my mum loves my DC but says she finds it very tiring looking after them for a full day.

violethill · 31/12/2009 10:51

I think it's odd that they won't do any looking after, to the extent that you have to drag the children with you to the shops etc when your parents come to stay. That's a bit weird tbh. Surely they could manage an hour or so of being 'in charge'. But I agree with others that a wedding is different, because it's likely to be an all day job, probably all evening too, and if your parents aren't used to doing any childcare it'll seem way too daunting.

At least with weddings you have sufficient time to make plans well in advance. When are eldest dd was a bridesmaid, we didn't take our two toddlers to the wedding as we felt they wouldn't cope with a full day anyway, so we paid the student daughter of a family friend to look after them for the day. She was great with them, and appreciated the money, and it meant we got to have a stress free day without feeling guilty for 'putting on' anyone.

In your situation, I would ask if they can keep an eye on the kids while you pop to the shops next time they are staying. If they give an outright 'no' then you can ask why, but I would give up any expectation that they'll ever do any more than that. They clearly aren't comfortable with the idea, and the one definite thing with child care is you need to have confidence in whoever is providing it.

winnybella · 31/12/2009 10:53

I don't see why it is too much to ask of your parents to look after their grandchildren once in a while.
There was a thread recently about OP's mother refusing to ever look after the kid. OP turned out to be somewhat loony in the end, but virtually all responses were ' how do you even dare to ask you parent to do that?'.
Erm...because you are a family and in a properly functioning one you help each other out?
So, YABNU and it must hurt you that they always refuse to look after them for even 30 min..
Did you try talking with them and saying how does it make you feel? Try to see what's behind their attitude about babysitting?

LadyBiscuit · 31/12/2009 10:56

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask them but I do think it's unreasonable to expect other members of your family to provide free child care while you go to social events.

I think it's a lot more shocking that they won't mind the kids for half an hour than look after them all day/overnight! That's bizarre.

coldtits · 31/12/2009 11:02

Zero all childcare expectations. If they think there is something wrong with your normal children they wouldn't be good carers anyway.

PS you can't expect help with the children from someone who is not their parent or a professional

sarah293 · 31/12/2009 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

diddl · 31/12/2009 11:09

TBH, if they dont feel capable of doing it,why would you want them to?

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/12/2009 11:10

some gps fear that they may not be capable of looking after their gc all day/over night

you can not force them to spend time alone with your children

obv your parents dont want to look after your dc, so you can ask mil+fil who do enjoy spending time with them

or

look around for a professional childcarer (on netmums/nj/gumtree or call local agencies to you) who is free on that date to come and meet your children before hand and leave them with her

i look after many chldren whose parents have been invited to a child free wedding, either at their hotel/wedding place or at the childs own home

GrendelsMum · 31/12/2009 11:12

You could ask your parents why they don't want to look after your children? Odds are that as people say, they don't have a lot of confidence and find it very tiring. Possibly they also see that you do things very differently from the way that things were done in your mum's day, and they're worried about getting things wrong and upsetting you? Or do the children have little tantrums from time to time that can worry them?

How about helping them to gain a bit more confidence in looking after the children - say by leaving them with one of the children while you go to the shops for half an hour, and gradually working up from that?

AMumInScotland · 31/12/2009 11:25

I think the wedding would be a bit much at this stage, but you should work with your parents to get them confident to look after the children at least for a short time to let you pop to the shops etc. As others have said, they probably lack confidence - expectations of what looking after children entails have changed a lot over the years, and there are so many more "rules" now, I'm surprised even parents ever feel able to take the job on! My DS is now 16, and frankly I'd be pretty nervous of taking responsibility for 3 and 5yo, though I'd give it a go for short periods and work up to longer, if I had any nearby to practise on!

So, I think it's a lot to ask them to cope with the wedding, but I think it's wrth you talking to them about what you'd like for them to be able to do - it would be nice if tey could take them out for a little trip now and then, or look after them at home for an hour. If you let them "take charge" for a bit while you're in the kitchen say, you could see what they are nervous of and reassure them that it's not that big a deal.

Chooster · 31/12/2009 11:27

Got to say I find it strange that they dont want to help, even for a short while when they are staying. I agree you can't expect family members to help out but you should be able to rely on your family to provide assistance if you need / want it, Perhaps I'm just incredibly fortunate that both my parents and in-laws are desperate to get their hands on my DS's!

TheCrackFox · 31/12/2009 11:45

I think it is a bit of a shame for you. OK, the wedding thing might be scary for them but not looking after them for half an hour is bizarre.

In the long run your parents will be the ones who miss out as their relationship with their GCs will never be that close.

You already know that they cannot be relied upon. Do you have any really good friends that you could ask?

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