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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my parents to look after my children when I go to a wedding?

74 replies

BabsRolls · 31/12/2009 09:27

Am I going mad or is this strange behaviour? I live 400 miles away from family so have no back-up childcare for my 3 yr old and 5 yr old. My parents are in their early 60's and are fit and healthy. They like to see their grandchildren but for some reason shy away from actually looking after them. They have no other grandchildren. My husband's colleague has invited us to her wedding early next year but only family children are allowed, i.e. not ours. My parents want to come up during that time but say that looking after my son & daughter would be too much for them and would prefer to leave the day before the wedding. Their behaviour tends makes me irrationally feel that there is something wrong with me and my children. My kids are normal with no problems I can see. The only people who make negative comments about them are my parents. Conversely my in-laws who are in their early 70's and have 3 other grandchildren cannot do enough for us and love their grandchildren to bits. Am I going mad? Is it unreasonable to expect my parents to help our when I see them once every 3 months? Should I zero all childcare expectations? Was my mother's experience as a single mum so awful she can't bear the thought of caring for kids ever again? Has anyone else come across this behaviour? How should I deal with it?

OP posts:
diddl · 31/12/2009 11:48

I don´t think GPs have to look after their GC to be close to them!

rasputin · 31/12/2009 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goblinchild · 31/12/2009 11:54

'You help them to wash and care themselves when they are too old to manage it anymore.'

That's how we run our family, but a lot don't.
Maybe the GPs aren't confident about a lot of things.

Flame · 31/12/2009 11:57

They have no other grandchildren. They are around yours once every 3 months. It isn't surprising to me that they wouldn't want to be left alone with them.

Original poster
BabsRolls · 31/12/2009 12:01

Yes I think they will miss out on the specical relationships that 1-1 contact brings. My little girl is already closer to my MIL as they spend more time together. I really don't expect much help at all - maybe a couple of times a year - but realise that even this is too much. I find it upsetting and disappointing but realise that I have to accept it. I spent the first two years of my life being looked after full-time by my grandparents while my mum finished uni. Obviously what goes around doesn't always come around. I do have good friends who could help out this time - and really really appreciate that! The difference is the good friends always offer and I find it very difficult to ask.

OP posts:
havoc · 31/12/2009 12:01

I know how disappointing and fustrating it can be if GPs don't want to provide childcare. But I think all day is a big ask, especially if they won't help out for half and hour occasionally!

Be happy that they want to see your children and be involved that way, and make alternative arrangements for the wedding.

2babyblues · 31/12/2009 13:46

YANBU - I feel for you. I would be upset. I think although you shouldn't expect things I know when I am (hopefully) a grandparent I would be desperate to help if I was in good health!!! Though you can't really make them but I think like other people have said they will miss out on a close relationship with your children. I can't believe you can't even pop out to the shops without having to take them with you when they are there.

Pikelit · 31/12/2009 14:21

I have ancient children but am not a grandparent. If and when I am, I hope to be as helpful as possible. However, I shall not expect my children and stepchildren to expect me to look after my grandchildren because of some ill-defined "rights" that make it unreasonable of me to refuse!

It's also worth considering whether the OP's parents feel rather overwhelmed by changes in childcare over the years and wonder whether they can cope. Only I remember being really scornful of older people who told me how different things were "in their day".

I think there are two options. Accept that help will be minimal or discuss why this appears to be the case and whether there is anything that can be done to change things.

diddl · 31/12/2009 14:23

I think it would certainly be worthwhile finding out why they feel like this.

Perhaps they just don´t feel that they know the children well enough?

pithyslicker · 31/12/2009 14:32

How come you live 400 miles apart?
Were you close emotionally, to your parents?

pranma · 31/12/2009 14:52

I am very involved with dgc but would struggle with 2 at a time-I have dgs2[10mnths] one day a week and dgs1[3] 2 half days alternate weeks but I would only have both together in an emergency or to babysit when they are in bed.I just dont feel active enough[65].

5Foot5 · 31/12/2009 16:39

Runoutofideas: You could be right about the confidence thing.

My MIL has always been really good about looking after all of her grandchildren, though she doesn't get to see DD that often as we don't live terribly close.

But she has said in conversation that always in her mind are the stories of terrible tragedies where something has happened to a tot left in the care of GPs, e.g. drowning in the garden pond, pulling something off the stove.

When she is in charge of a little one she is great and gives them her full undivided attention for this reason. But she must find that tiring as she is well in to her 70s now.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 31/12/2009 16:51

I don't know whether YABU or not, but I do think it must be so disappointing.

We live a far way from my in-laws, and my family are in Canada, so I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes it would be nice just to do something that so many people take for granted - go away fro an evening knowing your children are happy with your parents.

BUT, thats not the way your life is, and to dwell on it will just bring you grief. SO, I would try to find trustworthy, alternative childcare.

I think I would ask why they don't want to be alone with them, but do it when you are in a neutral, even compassionate kind of a mood, rather than a defensive one iyswim. Maybe they are having issues that you know nothing about

Eddas · 31/12/2009 16:54

babs, they sound much like my dad and step mother it's quite akward, I have asked them to babysit, once, never ever again will I ask, I said 'could you babysit one evening, the kids will be in bed already, just sit with them so dh and I could go to the cinema/dinner whatever as we never get time alone, I don't mind which day, it could be next week, 3 months time don't mind, but if you could that'd be great' bascially how could they say no but he said he'd check with step-mother, couldn't see a problem. Came back with a no I was devasated. Yes a big word for a bit of babysitting, but at the time I wasn't coping well, had lots and lots of pressure on me, which Dad knew and he knew I was stuggling, but still a no I know from the way I asked it has got to be her that said no

Unfortunately I think you have to just accept that they don't want to help. or can't but whatever they aren't going to. I have accepted that I will not be able to ask Dad to help at all. I'm very lucky I have a great MIL who 99% of the time can help, actually i'm not sure she's ever said no. Bless her. She also has 4 other gc (i have 2 dc) and my dad only has my 2. It saddens me to the heart tbh but it's their choice, they are missing out on knowing my dc like MIL knows dc.

Oh how different my life would be if my mum were still here

RockBird · 31/12/2009 16:56

Hard one this... It's frustrating I agree, but then would you really want them looking after your dc if they don't feel comfortable doing so? My mum looks after dd one day a week and if I need it at any other time. She's fab with her during daylight hours but I know that bedtimes etc would be beyond her (her words) and so I never ask her to babysit in the evening because although I know she would if I asked, she wouldn't feel happy doing it. I'd ask them about it though if you have that sort of relationship.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 31/12/2009 17:02

It would drive me mad - but their loss ultimately.

nannynobnobs · 31/12/2009 17:09

My friends mum is like this with her dgs (friends ds). She has looked after my friends daughter regularly since she was born (now 10) and she had her own room at Granny's- their choice, all decorated for her. Yet when the ds was born her mum always came up with a weak excuse why she couldn't look after him.
He is four now and I'm still not sure she has ever looked after him, friend used to get quite tearful over it, why is the granddaughter good enough but not the grandson?

minxofmancunia · 31/12/2009 17:15

yanbu, I feel for you, it's hard. I don't think it's u reasonable for families to help each other out a bit within reason. That includes adult children helping their parent out as well as the other way round.

My parents promised weekends/nights of childcare (e.g. a couple of times a year) ocassionally prior to dd being born. Unfortunatetly this has never transpired. they do babysit for a few hours in the eve once a fortnight or so which is great obviously but will happily sit and drink tea on the sofa rather than help putting dcs to bed despite dd begging my Mum to do it because she adores her . It's only a couple of stories and and some nursery rhymes ffs, dd is great at bedtime.

You have my sympathies

MumNWLondon · 31/12/2009 17:46

I think it sounds like your parents are being a bit unreasonable, but if thats how they feel i guess its up to them. I actually find it a bit odd, but maybe they don't feel comfortable doing it?

I would try and get a babysitter and ask them if they could be around to watch on the babysitter.

thedogsgottago · 31/12/2009 18:11

I cant believe so many people on here think the OP is being unreasonable to expect help from her own parents....are we not all parents ourselves? Will we not do anything to help our DCs even when they are fully grown adults with children of their own?
Maybe the OP could reasure her parents that she believes they are capable of looking after the kids, they might just need a bit of confidence building?

mistletoekisses · 31/12/2009 18:24

OP - YANBU

You sound very upset in your original post; and I can totally understand why. This is about more than just one days worth of babysitting.

The only advice I can give is to zero your expectations with regard to your parents. It must be a very upsetting situation, but I cannot see what else you can do. Who knows what your parents reasons are, but if they feel that way about looking after your DC's (and it doesnt sound from your OP that they are open to being 'eased' into babysitting your DC's so to speak), then what else can you do?

Put it out of your mind and move on. Families eh?

HappyNewYearFromKimi · 31/12/2009 18:31

I think you should tell them they can not come and stay with you at all, if minding two children for one afternoon and evening in their own home is too much trouble for them

CirrhosisByTheSea · 31/12/2009 18:34

Eddas could your dad not have babysat on his own? Why is only your step mum the villain of the piece there?!

OP - agree, YANBU. It is a shame they don't want to help you. I imagine I would bite my ds' hand off to be spending time with my possible future granchildren...and would love to be helping my ds.

Have you come out and asked them why they won't help?

Eddas · 31/12/2009 19:15

well, she's not but this thread isn't about me so I didn't write everything down. Dad needs to get some balls and tell her what he thinks. He did say HE would babysit anytime, but I haven't asked since, you kinda get put of bothering when he has to pass things by her, and I know she isn't totally to blame.

I was just saying that some people just don't want to and we have to accept that as being the way it is. Step-mother has 2 dc who will no doubt have children themselves one day. They will get a huge shock as I know she won't want to babysit. She once told me that when she had young dc her and her friends had a sort of rota thing where they'd babysit each others kids so they could go out, but she knows that my friends don't have children yet so how can I do that? EMy step brother went travelling for 6 weeks a while ago when dd was about a year old, I made a passing comment about us not being able to do that for about 18 years(and I don't want to was just one of) and he said, you could go away for a couple of weeks i'm sure mum and your dad would have dd PMSL yeah right. Anyway there is much more background but basically step mother doesn't like children. She told my MIL once.

Stephief · 31/12/2009 19:23

I think its unreasonable to expect childcare from anyone! (who isnt a paid childcarer of coure!)

If they dont want to look after your kids they shouldnt have to, you should just accept and respect that. They are your kids after all, not theirs! They have no duty to provide childcare just because you have had kids!

I wouldnt see it as a slur on your kids, just that they dont feel comfortable loking after them. Tbh if I only saw kids once every three months I dont think I would want to have to look after them alone either.

I hope you find another solution so you can still go, but I wouldnt give your mum a hard time over it.

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