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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my parents to look after my children when I go to a wedding?

74 replies

BabsRolls · 31/12/2009 09:27

Am I going mad or is this strange behaviour? I live 400 miles away from family so have no back-up childcare for my 3 yr old and 5 yr old. My parents are in their early 60's and are fit and healthy. They like to see their grandchildren but for some reason shy away from actually looking after them. They have no other grandchildren. My husband's colleague has invited us to her wedding early next year but only family children are allowed, i.e. not ours. My parents want to come up during that time but say that looking after my son & daughter would be too much for them and would prefer to leave the day before the wedding. Their behaviour tends makes me irrationally feel that there is something wrong with me and my children. My kids are normal with no problems I can see. The only people who make negative comments about them are my parents. Conversely my in-laws who are in their early 70's and have 3 other grandchildren cannot do enough for us and love their grandchildren to bits. Am I going mad? Is it unreasonable to expect my parents to help our when I see them once every 3 months? Should I zero all childcare expectations? Was my mother's experience as a single mum so awful she can't bear the thought of caring for kids ever again? Has anyone else come across this behaviour? How should I deal with it?

OP posts:

poinsettydawg · 31/12/2009 19:36

I think it;s a bit strange but some people are strange so your only option is to accept that your parents are unlikely to babysit.

They might do when your dc are older but expect nothing.

Asana · 31/12/2009 19:38

YABU. When I am a GP, I hope to be earning/have earned enough money to offer to find and pay for a babysitter if my DS (or any future DC) asks me to take care of his (/their) chilren. I know how exhausted my DS makes me at the moment - I'd hate to think how much worse it would be taking care of children when I'm 30/40 years older, less fit and probably rather backwards in my thinking/knowledge about caring for children. Plus, I'll be honest - I really REALLY don't like children all that much.

NickeeS · 31/12/2009 19:40

YANBU.....I think it quite odd that yours parents don't want to help you out. I can understand them not wanting to do all day but a few hours at a time I think is a bit odd. Now if they voiced why then that is another matter but to just refuse seems a little odd. My MIL looks after my DD for a few hours here are there. She is never asked and always offers and it is only for 3-4 hours at a time during the day. DD is only 15 weeks so is quite tyring but MIL loves it and she is 64 (very active lady). She often rings to say I will have LO on X day got out and take a break. Funny thing is before DD was born we never really that close. She has even offered to have DD for two days when I go back to work.

NickeeS · 31/12/2009 19:40

sarah293 · 01/01/2010 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ChippingIn · 01/01/2010 09:54

YABU to expect them to look after them, but YANBU in thinking they would want to.

I can't understand why they wouldn't want to - but that's me. I was talking to a woman last night who has 3 GC on the way this year (her first 3, all at once!!) and she said she wasn't really looking forward to it and prefers the dogs!! I don't understand it, but that doesn't mean it's not entirely within her rights to feel this way!

purepurple · 01/01/2010 10:03

YABU
Get a babysitter.

sarah293 · 01/01/2010 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LC200 · 01/01/2010 10:10

OP I really feel for you, that must be very hurtful. I agree about the lack of confidence thing, and think starting with small bits of keeping a check on the kids when they're with you might help.

Eddas, I have lost my Mum too, but I am lucky in that my Dad (who lives 2 hours drive away) comes to stay with us once a week so that he can see the kids. Step-Mum is also good, when we stay with them they take the kids out swimming or to the farm on their own. Despite this, I still yearn for the life I'd have had if my Mum had still been here, I think that's a natural way to feel.

2rebecca · 01/01/2010 10:11

For occasional use babysitters aren't that expensive. I've always had to use paid babysitters as relatived over 3 hours away.
We just take time and effort to find them and budget babysitting into household expenses.
My parents would babysit when young but rarely did because when I saw them my priority was seeing them not dumping the kids and leaving them.
I used childminders as well though so for me finding a babysitter for occasional use on an evening was no different to choosing a childminder.
I said no to a couple of no kids weddings when the kids were young as the time and distances involved would have made getting a babysitter impractical.

violethill · 01/01/2010 10:40

Ithink some people have a strange attitude towards paying for childcare.

Any social event is going to cost you anyway - drink and food for a night out, travel and a gift and possibly a new outfit for a wedding.... so why begrudge spending on childcare? Surely our children are the most precious thing to us - I don't get why anyone wouldn't want to pay a sensible rate to know they are being looked after by someone confident and capable.

Yes, it means budgeting for it, and I'm not saying everyone can afford babysitters every week, but I do think this is partly about an attitude of mind, particularly among some parents who don't pay for any childcare from day to day - they seem to find paying for it an alien concept. I had a couple of friends who were like this when our kids were younger - they would happily pay for cinema tickets or a meal out, but then moan about having to pay for someone to look after their children! Isn't it a case of rather skewed priorities?

loobylu3 · 01/01/2010 10:43

I can see why you are upset about this. It seems unreasonable, especially as your mum had a lot of help from her parents (think you mentioned this earlier on the thread). However, there is nothing you can do. The sad thing is, it affects the closeness of your relationship with your parents over the years if they are not that keen to spend time with their GC. Fortunately, you do have support from your PIL.

sarah293 · 01/01/2010 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

violethill · 01/01/2010 11:22

Riven - your own situation is really tough, and it's a shame that your family have chosen not to help when they could (I'm assuming they live fairly close so could if they wanted). I suppose it's probably fear which makes them opt out (or maybe I'm being too charitable - perhaps they just don't want to!) Because you know the reality of profound disability, you would want to help anyone in your family who was in the same situation.

On a personal level, family help has never been an issue with us all the relatives are either dead (seem to die young in our families, leaving children without grandparents ) or they live hundreds of miles away or they're just fecking useless!!

My post was really about those people who do have the occasional night out for a meal/cinema/concert etc and don't bat an eyelid at paying for tickets/taxi/meal etc but then whinge about paying £6 an hour for a babysitter. I mean, get real, it's to look after your precious children FGS, why would anyone in their right mind begrudge that?

VirginPeachyMotherOfSpod · 01/01/2010 11:31

It might be worth finding out what her parents were like about the childcare she hadand her feelings about that.

My Mum is an over compensator; her Mum and dad were terribly over bearing and interfeering 9to the extent that they thought dad was not good enough for her so would bang on the house door when she was having misacarriages to stress her, she ended up in hiding for a while).

So she tries so ahrd to not be over bearing thats ometimes she becomes totally disengaged and uninvolved. It's a fine line to tread and I know I will struggle to balance it when my boys grow up as I have only extreme examples.

purepurple · 01/01/2010 11:38

Babs
I have re-read your OP and have a couple of observations to make.
You say you live 400 miles away from your parents. Do you think that maybe they have taken this as some sort of rejection and assume that because you live so far away you don't need or want their help?

Also, you call them your parents but mention that your mother was a single mother. Do you think that she is being put under pressure by her husband not to get involved? Maybe he has no experience of small children and thinks that if they offer to help then they will be expected to do it all the time and it will be the end of their current lifestyle?

Have you actually asked them for help?

lisasimpson · 01/01/2010 12:00

People of retirment age may well find looking after children 'tiring' but it's not permanent is it? the next day they can take it easy can't they?

Frostythesurfmum · 01/01/2010 12:12

My MIL made it clear when I was pregnant that they weren't going to help. She was of the opinion "you have them, you look after them". She said when dh and his sister were little she had no help so why should she offer it to anyone else.

I just accepted that that was how it was going to be and never asked her. My mum on the other hand did loads and had dd for 2 days when I returned to work.

It was so blatantly clear when we were all together that dd had a really close relationship with my parents, and MIL used to comment on it. If there were two laps to be sat on for a cuddle, it was always my mum's that got chosen, which was a real shame for my MIL - but you reap what you sew.

nighbynight · 01/01/2010 12:23

YANBU to expect some support from them.
I don't understand why some grandparents (my own parents included) don't want to help out, and make it clear that any request for help is asking too much.

Maybe they think they've done their share and its our turn now? I have 2 words for them: house prices. My mother was a SAHM, she has no clue what my life is like.

I just hope I wont be like this when its my turn to be a grandparent.

diddl · 01/01/2010 12:28

Looking at the OP again.
Once every three months-they don´t see them very often, do they?

muminthemiddle · 01/01/2010 12:28

I don't think yabu.
If your parents are coming up a few days before then surely it would make more sense for them to come the day of the wedding and look after their grandchildren.
You have my sympathy.

violethill · 01/01/2010 12:48

nighbynight - you make an excellent point there - I think the biggest difference between the two generations is that in the grandparents day, being able to afford to live on one income was the norm. I accept that people often lived quite frugally - there certainly wasn't spare cash sloshing around when I was a kid - but on the other hand, my parents had been able to buy a perfectly adequate 3 bed semi in the south east on one income, and my mum stayed home once she had kids, which was the norm. These days, it's a luxury to have one parent at home.

It's a difficult one though, because no one can help which generation they happen to be born into, and although I think it's a pressure in many ways that both parents need to earn these days, it's also in many ways a good thing that having a career and life outside the home has become normalised for women as well as men. I do wonder how many women of our mothers generation were secretly quite frustrated at being chained to the sink?

It's tricky, because much as I hope I'm reasonable and considerate when (if) I ever become a grandparent, I'm also aware that I'm likely to be still working, and I wouldn't be in a position to take on loads of childcaring responsibilities for any grandchildren, even if I wanted to. I'm also not convinced that it's always best for the children and parents anyone if grandparents are over-involved and on the door step every two minutes. However, I would definitely expect to help with babysitting when possible, and in the case of something like the OP's situation, I would arrange things so I could help out. I don't think it's something any parent should take for granted though - if grandparents don't feel able to offer practical help then you just have to get on with it. It's a bonus, not an automatic right.

muminthemiddle · 02/01/2010 13:10

Frosty & Night those are good points. I think in previous generations there was little choice about having a child. Women were expected to get married, have children and then saty at home to look after them.
Perhaps there is some resentment between grandparents and children.
Also a lot of grandfathers don't do anything to help as they didn't when they were fathers. so the grandmother doesn't want to be "stuck" as it were looking after a grandchild alone.

winterwalks · 02/01/2010 14:08

yanbu

I think is very odd
Why would grandparents not look after their grandchildren
Its what happens most places across the world- it can only be good for society that the generations mix
My parents look after my dc whenever they can - they work part time but say its the highlight of their week
My Gran looked after me when my Mum worked or went on holiday and I adore her and she said being with children kept her young.
When my children have children [please God] I cant wait to help out

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