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AIBU?

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Original poster

To find this disturbing and distasteful?

89 replies

standingonmyhands · 31/12/2009 01:59

Just been watching the programme on C4 about the tsunami in 2004. The programme was heartbreaking, it interviewed people who were there and whose family members/friends had died or, luckily, survived.

A couple were interviewed and were laughing on camera, I mean bent double laughing, about the fact that they'd 'had a shag' on the morning in question. All ok, I imagined their story would go on to say that the tsunami hit and they were all ok. But then they went to talk about how their daughter died in the tsunami.

I just found this so awful hat they found it appropriate to find anything amusing about that day. I appreciate that shock can make you say things you may not mean at the time but this documentary was 5 years after the event.

I just found their comments so awful. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
misssurrey · 31/12/2009 12:08

Jesus.

Where is the love?

Compassion, much?

rasputin · 31/12/2009 12:19

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tigerbear · 31/12/2009 12:20

That the couple are still together after an event that would have torn many couples apart is fantastic. That they can laugh about things is even better. What does the OP suggest - that they aren't allowed to laugh about anything that happened before the event?

rasputin · 31/12/2009 12:21

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expatinscotland · 31/12/2009 12:26

I agree with SolidGold.

The shock of that, you'd never get over it.

I would have wanted to die. In fact, I probably would have topped myself in their situation.

They're very strong to have been able to live after that sort of loss.

WorzselMummage · 31/12/2009 12:33

YABVU..

I thought they were amazing.

It was clear that they had reached a place where they could celebrate Isabellas life and not just grieve her death. They were talking about they normality of the day, their happiness and their love for each other.

I cannot imagine a worse thing than having my 5 year old ripped from my arms to certain death, it is unbarable to me to even think about it.

Only someone with a warped mind would accuse someone of no grieving properly, it's sick.

LedodgyChristmasjumper · 31/12/2009 13:11

YABU I have just watched this. They weren't full on laughing it was more resigned smiles at the irony of the time before the tsunami came.

It pisses me off that people who are grieving somehow have to be seen to behave in a way that others see fit. It's bollocks, grief is individual. That couple have been through a parent's worst nightmare. They are still together, still obviously love each other tremendously and loved and miss their daughter. Not only that but they set up a fund to help children in Sri Lanka in Isabella's name. I think you've got a bloody cheek critiscising them to be honest.

Tortington · 31/12/2009 13:13

agreed - if they want to stand on one leg and shit on a gerbil - they lost their daughter - what is it to you how they grieve?

saggyhairyarse · 31/12/2009 13:15

I have just rewatched this as I didn't register the bent over belly laughing before and do not perceive their 'laughing' the way the OP does at all.

They are recounting a very happy Boxing Day morning with affection. The DH refers to the 'shag'and the DM laughs as I perceive someone does when they are embarrassed, and her bending forward to me is someone curling up cringing a little and I think him saying 'I not have said that' as him recognising he had embarrassed his wife, she corrects him saying 'we made love' and then they go on to talk about the loss of their daughter.

Think it is disgraceful that OP and others have condemned these people as not grieving appropriately. Who the hell are you to judge? Especially considering you have poor perception/interpersonal skills!

www.channel4.com/programmes/tsunami-caught-on-camera/4od#3020365

40.30 mins

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 31/12/2009 13:18

I had to turn over when I realised their daughter had died - no reflection on how they came across on camera at all. I agree that I don't think people should be in any position to judge them. At one point they seemed to be giggling but then when the mum started saying about the daughter not being in her arms anymore and what an awful death it must have been she was very choked up.

I had to turn it over then, was too upsetting.

nothingofthesort · 31/12/2009 13:33

I didn't watch it but I think YABU simply because I don't think the actions of a grieving person should be up for scrutiny. Let them be.

People just are what they are, they cannot act a certain way because tragedy struck them. Just remembered a poem written for a Sri Lankan music teacher who died in a safari park during the tsunami.


For Orlantha
By Marissa Johnpillai

Orlantha Ambrose
Yala Safari Park, Sri Lanka
Boxing Day, 2004

<span class="line-through">-</span><span class="line-through">-</span>--

i hope that you saw
a perfectly nuclear family of elephants
a peacock showing off his tail
the black backs of water buffalo like islands in the lake
flamingo as pink as rose water sherbet
origami herons on an overhanging branch
start to 
fly 
across the 
water
like blank pages of a book.

i hope that you
behaved yourself
filled your memory card with photographs
didn't show too much cleavage too often,
by accident or on purpose
(i never knew which).

i pray that you
savoured your complimentary cocktail
revelled in the hotel beach towels and bath robes
were not facing the wave as it hit.

i pray that you
were sharing a smile with your mother as you both
lost 
consciousness
that your life didn't flash before your eyes
and only violins played in your final dreams.

i pray that you died like a swan.
Missus84 · 31/12/2009 13:38

Unbelievable - I hope the OP and the first few comments are ashamed of themselves Presumably if they ever lose a child they will be careful to always act entirely appropriately (as judged by strangers) and never disturb anyone with distateful comments about happy times.

I was shocked when they said Isabella had died - it was shocking! Their day had started off as the perfect holiday and then their only child was dragged from her mother's arms and drowned.

But no, the fact that they giggled means they are uncaring parents who didn't give a fuck

InMyLittleHead · 31/12/2009 13:40

YAB totally U. How would you prefer they behaved. What would you like? It's just as SGB said, people now have an idea of what bereaved people 'should' behave like. It satisfies their sense of drama or whatever. You see it quite a lot on MN as well - I can remember one thread where someone was going through a hard time, and the thread spanned a few months, and people started turning up and saying 'We've told you what to do, now do it.' Some people seem to think everything is a soap opera for their own entertainment.

Maybe you are totally socially incompetent, and couldn't understand that they were trying to remember everything about Isabella's life, not just the bad bits, and that was how they had learned to cope.

However, I was quite shocked by the programme. I expected it to be mostly people talking about their experiences, I didn't realise you would actually see people dying or dead...

surpriseme · 31/12/2009 14:18

They werent the only ones that laughed-sometimes its our way of coping.They seemed to be talking about it quite matter of factly and truthfully.They just wanted to honour their daughter.They were remembering the good times before the tragic events and it could be that thats kept them going.They seemed very strong people and who are we to judge the way they grieve

mrsspock · 31/12/2009 14:19

Shame on you for being so sanctimonious, OP. I guess they also shouldn't have been smiling and laughing in the photos of them taken when they went back to Sri Lanka to set up the Foundation in their DD's name? I am happy that they can laugh and have good memories after something so horrific and much better for their little boy too that 'life goes on' than permanent devastation and misery surely.

fernie3 · 31/12/2009 14:38

I think you are being very unreasonable I watched this and what struck me wasn't the fact they were laughing but how over the top and hysterical it was, to me it was easy to see the sadness there and the mother
espcially was obviously struggling to cope with telling the story.

Until you have witnessed the sudden and/or violent death of someone close to you you cannot realise how even the worst thing that you cab ever imagine happening to you just happens and you go on because nothing else in the world changes, as this couple said you still have to eat, sleep go to work, tidy the house etc etc. They DID have a good morning and obviously by the afternoon that was all ripped apart but perhaps remembering how relaxed they were those last few hours with their little girl is a source of strength for them?

pooexplosions · 31/12/2009 20:54

YABVVVVU. I am quite frankly disgusted by the OP and those agreeing, and I am rarely even remotely miffed on AIBU.

I'm not even going to bother giving a fuller answer as the question is beneath contempt.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 31/12/2009 21:17

I too thought that this couple were going to go on to say that all was well with them and their daughter in the end, because of their demeanour in telling the story.

When I heard the awful awful end to their story I was filled with nothing but complete admiration - that they have survived that loss at all..that they have stayed together, and gone on to be parents to a boy. It made me wonder if I am strong enough, or if my marriage is strong enough, to do the same. And I'm not sure of the answer!

MuthaHubbard · 31/12/2009 21:29

I didn't watch it...I have a very miniscule insight into what happened following the tsunami as I worked on the police operation set up in this country after it happened.

The weeks I worked on thiw will stay with me for a long time and though I had no 'real' involvement but still couldn't watch the programme as I knew how upsetting it would be for me.

So many people lost loved ones and how they cope I will never know and would never judge.

BigBadMummy · 31/12/2009 21:33

I dont think we can comment on how anybody might behave in that situation tbh. Whilst it might not be how we would deal with it, who is to say how other people do.

Everybody deals with grief differently.

We lost two very dear friends in the tsunami and I cannot even bring myself to watch the programmes. The mum of one of these friends was invited to be interviewed for all these "five years on" documentaries and declined.

lockets · 31/12/2009 21:58

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lockets · 31/12/2009 21:58

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lisad123wantsherquoteinDM · 31/12/2009 22:05

I watched this and sobbed the whole way though. I thought the couple were rememembering the day as everyone else had talked about. the others started with "we started the day on the beach" "we started the day diving" ect, so bloody what "if we started the day with a shag"!! they lost their dd, that poor mother will beat herself daily about not holding on (although I doubt anyone could have done better). Grief does terrible things to people and everyone handles it differently, and how bloody dare anyone judge that poor couple, you should be ashamed!

cheesesarnie · 31/12/2009 22:09

i agree with lisad

i didn't watch it as couldn't face what i knew would be incredibly sad programme

happydad14 · 27/12/2014 21:08

I watched this last night and I am absolutely sickened that someone could have a go at these parents.

The mother and the father are the basis of the family and the children are the extension. Therefore, if tragically children pass on then new children can be created to replace those who have passed.

By laughing about having a 'shag', the couple were letting everyone know that as long as their relationship was strong, everything else is replaceable, even though it will be upsetting. There laughing and joking is a good message to other parents that life moves on and they need to stay strong. Why they should be forced to be permanently miserable is beyond me.

RIP to all the victims of the Tsunami, a truly awful incident