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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to try to talk DH out of going away?

76 replies

KTNoo · 30/12/2009 17:30

I think I'm a fairly reasonable wife normally. We have 3 young dcs and live abroad with DH's work.

Soon we're heading back home for a visit. We'll stay with my parents. I want to go for 2 weeks so the kids can get used to the time difference which takes a while. But DH says he only has enough annual leave for 1 week. The reason for that is he is taking a week's annual leave to go off to Iran with a friend not long after this trip.

I'm ok with him going away on his own for that (not too happy about choice of Iran, safety-wise, but that's another thread), he does it about once a year for a week or so. So if I go home for 2 weeks and he only comes for the second week that means me flying 8 hours with 3 children on my own one way. But I would do that so he can keep his holidays.

However now he is saying when he arrives at my parents' he wants to go away for 3 nights to see some friends he hasn't seen for ages, about a 3 hour drive away. Which would mean he only sees me, the dcs and my parents for about 3 days before we fly back. Apart from feeling that's quite rude to my mum and dad I also feel he's pushing my generosity too far.

He says he hardly gets to see old friends nowadays and my parents don't care about seeing him anyway, they just want to see me and the dcs.

AIBU to try to stop the trip?

OP posts:
LetThereBeRock · 30/12/2009 18:46

He's as likely to see the end of a gun barrel or the inside of a prison cell as he is the ancient cities at present.

Rindercella · 30/12/2009 18:46

Actually, it's not just irresponsible in terms of you and your children - it's irresponsible because should he be captured/held hostage, etc., then the British government will obviously be compelled to try and help him. Thus taking up resources, costing money, perhaps risking lives, etc to save him. All so that he can see some ancient cities?

Original poster
KTNoo · 30/12/2009 18:47

It's because we are near that he wants to go now.

But he says he will check info at the time and reconsider possibly.

Funny how this started off about him going for boozy weekend with mates.

OP posts:
Original poster
KTNoo · 30/12/2009 18:48

He plans to go with one friend, the husband of a friend of mine.

OP posts:
catinthehat2 · 30/12/2009 18:48

" then the British government will obviously be compelled to try and help him"

or not. Ever wondered about those 5 hostages in Iraq getting picked off one by one (one released alive now)? How much effort did the govt really make I wonder?

WhatFuckingYearIsItAnyway · 30/12/2009 18:49

I still think he will do the trip with a bandana on his head

one that has a pattern of skulls or marry-joo-arna leaves on it

dittany · 30/12/2009 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rindercella · 30/12/2009 18:50

Cat, I guess we can never really know . But I am sure that some effort at least would be made to start negotiations for a British hostage's release?

InMyLittleHead · 30/12/2009 18:50

Yes I bet it's impossible to get insurance to go there. How can it be worth the risk?

Original poster
KTNoo · 30/12/2009 18:50

Actually dittany a family we met here have done just that. They said it was lovely.

OP posts:
dittany · 30/12/2009 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rindercella · 30/12/2009 18:52

I'm sure you'll find plenty of sunbeds free

catinthehat2 · 30/12/2009 18:52

I think you are a very reasonbable person too! I would be immeasurably enraged if my DH was slagged off by a bunch of strangers like this.

However, there is a saying amongst flying persons -

there are old pilots
there are bold pilots
there are no old bold pilots

WhatFuckingYearIsItAnyway · 30/12/2009 18:52

never mind travel insurance ( he won't get any, btw)

just bump up the life/mortgage insurance, this could pay dividends

Original poster
KTNoo · 30/12/2009 18:52

Thanks. But I'm not that fussed about historical sites. Would rather sit on a beach in Spain.

OP posts:
Original poster
KTNoo · 30/12/2009 18:53

Thanks cat - it doesn't really bother me because they don't know him.

OP posts:
catinthehat2 · 30/12/2009 18:54

It's winter so unlikely to be many tourists anyway.

WhatFuckingYearIsItAnyway · 30/12/2009 18:59

yes, kt, like I said earlier, this wasn't meant to be an invitation to slag off your dh

you are taking this in good part

hannahsaunt · 30/12/2009 18:59

Hello KTNoo (we do know each other in RL but not sure if you've worked that out yet?). I would do Iran, rather like your dh, but I would be in a major strop re the friends at home jolly esp when you are already doing the flying with the three children etc. Surely not unreasonable to have them come to you and do dinner/drinks etc for one evening - that would be my preferred option if I were you.

Original poster
KTNoo · 30/12/2009 19:00

He's not going yet, should have specified, so situation could change in next couple of months maybe.

OP posts:
harriedandflustered · 30/12/2009 19:07

Friends are important, especially if you live abroad. I wouldn't discourage him from going but is there any chance you could go too?

VirginPeachyMotherOfSpod · 30/12/2009 19:07

My friend cancelled hertrip to Iran not that long ago, she was staying with friends and there toresearch her dissertation but Uni told her to reconsider and she did. Sensibly.

I would tell him that whilst you can't stop him going to Iran you think he'staking ridiculous risks,not just for himself but for the children and yourself who need him. And I would negotiate the friends trip down to two days, with you taking the 'spare'for one away whilst he takes the kids,either at GPs or hotel.

It'svery possible to restate opposition to the idea of the Iran trip(im sorry but the idea of that as a hol atm I find bizarre) without actually threatening to ban it,and I would contact the insurancecomyselftocheck the status of payouts there.

raindroprhyme · 30/12/2009 23:46

i would check his insurance cost a bloody fortune to get insured to go iran in current climate. you don't want to be left up shit creek with no paddle and 3 dcs.

Pikelit · 31/12/2009 01:22

I'd politely suggest that it makes sense to spend as much time as possible with the family while back in Britain. Only it could be years and years before he gets released from the "excitement" that is being held hostage in Iran.

ChippingIn · 31/12/2009 02:49

Pikelit

KTNoo - I know you didn't ask for anyone's opinion on this, but having posted on AIBU you've kind of opened yourself up to it . I wouldn't say he 'can't' go to Iran (he is afterall an adult) but I would be checking that the life insurance would pay out if anything happened, I would be discussing the financial situation you and the children would be left in, I would be asking him what music he wants at his funeral, I would be telling him that he had to say 'Good bye' to his children in some very significant way before he left (without the children knowing what he was doing). I would be doing all of this in a 'matter of fact' way with no emotional drama and then I would hope during the process of doing this he would come to his bloody senses about going to Iran right now. Yes you are close, yes he's always wanted to go - but at what cost???

About the boys few days away/night out - that would be the least of my worries right now.