AIBU to drastically restrict DD's access to my mum?

[Fruitysunshine]

I must be feeling brave posting in here!

I have 3 children, 17, 9 and 2. I lived with my parents up until my eldest son was 8 and he was spoiled rotten by my mum. Even to this day she relishes in telling me how she is really is mum too as she helped raise him. She can be quite sarcastic when she says it. She threatened to take him off me by adoption once in a heated argument when I lived with her.

Race forward a few years and now she has disowned my eldest totally (he has had a few issues over the last two years which I am pleased to say he has come out of the other side much happier and settled) and now "claimed" my 2nd child (9yr old) as her favourite. She barely acknowledges my youngest.

My daughter has spent every night since christmas night sleeping at my mums. She enjoys spending time with my mum and mum only lives at the end of the road. They do things together like go shopping and visit the cinema etc. I usually pay for these treats out of my own pocket by pre booking tickets or giving my mum cash to spend. I can see my daughter going the same way as my son who had a really difficult time when I eventually got to the point of "straightening him out" of being spoiled rotten. I made a rod for my own back and can see it happening again.

However my real concern is my feelings for my daughter. The closeness I felt with her is diminishing as I am not seeing her so often and I feel jealous that my mum is spending so much time with my daughter that I am not. My mum is very clever, she never actually asks to have my daughter - she will tell my daughter she is doing something and my daughter will want to join her so asks to stay with her. I have expressed concern to my mum about the amount of time my daughter is spending with her and her response is "What is the problem with it?" I then get tongue tied and can't think of anything substantial to say.

Every night I put DD2 to bed in her room and DD1's bed is empty and I now look at it in such a way that she will never really return to it. I feel like she has left the "bosom" of her family to live somewhere else. This has been going on for about a year but I don't know how to fix it as I already failed my first child.

My husband has been away since christmas morning working and I will eventually see him tonight yet upon insistence that my DD1 is home to sleep she has a big tantrum and my mum says "Well, what do you expect?"

Don't get me wrong, over the years my mum has been helpful in one way or another, just as I have been for her, but I have stopped asking her for favours or help because she always says no and she makes me feel a failure for still "having to ask my mum for help" at 37. She tells me the reason my DD does not want to be with me is because she feels left out yet in reality she is barely with us to give her any attention and the rare time that she is everything is worked around her.

I know that I am ultimately responsible for this situation as I am her mother but Am I being unreasonable to drastically reduce my mum's access to my daughter so that me, my husband and other children can re-establish a relationship with my daughter?

But do you not feel you are encouraging the situation by financing all these nice trips and treats ? Surely it would be better if you could do that stuff together - if the cost is coming out of your pocket in the first place?

YANBU for feeling hurt, but you probably need to invest a bit of time in your mother/daughter relationship, rather than making Grandma's house the place to be.

Bring her home and put your foot down. YOU are in charge, she is 9. YOU decide where she sleeps and where she goes and who with. Keep reminding yourself of that, and remind both DD and your mother of the same as necessary.

Oh this is a tricky one, yes i would restrict access imo though not totally cut ties no. Just be more assertive towards her, they are your children and YOU have to pick up the pieces look at your ds as an example. Your mum sounds quite immature really in the way she is behaving imo. Next she might bet bored of your dd and go onto your ds. Yes you are responsible for the situation and its up to you as their mum to control it.

notwaving - yes I am clearly encouraging the situation by paying for the treats but my difficulty is in distinguishing the "limit" of what is a normal grandma/granddaughter relationship and the same for mother/daughter. I never had a close relationship with a grandma so have nothing to compare it too. I don't want to be unreasonable about the time my dd spends with other family members, it is just getting that limit right.

I would like to do these things with my daughter but she prefers to do them with my mum.

pooexplosions - I felt that may be the right approach but my mum has strong narcissistic traits and I find it difficult to be strong and insistent with her.

I think having somebody else reassure me it is not normal tells me I have to find the strength from somewhere to deal with this sooner rather than later.

Your mum is being a real cow. Sorry but what kind of parent says those things and makes her own daughter unhappy?

Get your daughter home and limit the trips. Favouritism is just not on.

Not saying she should not do those things with your mum just in moderation, your dd does not understand what is going on and that now she is the flavour of the month but might not be further down the line. You do have to protect her from this, and just allow your mum to take her every now and again not all the time.

There is a long history here of confused boundaries and roles. I also totally agree with piglet, that your youngest child will be next in line. You and your DH need to take control NOW. They are YOUR children, and you need to work at re-establishing that fact. I think it needs very decisive action straight away - get your dd back and don't let her sleep over again for a good few week. Don't totally cut ties, because that would be very distressing for your dd, but set clear boundaries. Presumably it'll be easier when school starts again, but I would suggest having some family (as in you, your DH and children) activities planned for weekends, so that your mother doesn't slip into getting involved by default.

As time goes on, you may be able to relax the restrictions a bit, but I think you must take care not to let your mum help you out, or do you favours, because they will come with strings attached. The most effective thing is for her to see that you can stand on your own two feet - you don't need her, so she knows that any relationship you choose to have is because you want it, not because you rely on her.

Exactly violet, dont let your mum do many favours for you as its obviously conditional and comes with strings, set a day that dd can go with your mum that both can do and stick to that, rather like dads/mums getting access to their kids after the break up of a relationship. Restricted access.

Piglet you are right in that my son has already been used in that way. My mum comes into my home and refuses to even look at him - yet she will sit and be polite to his girlfriend. I tell her she has to at least be civil to him in his own home but she refuses to discuss it.

Violethill - your post makes so much sense and one of my concerns is how my dd will react in the interim of having reduced contact. I don't want to upset her but know that ultimately this is not the best situation for her either. To be quite frank I am also quite intimidated by my mum's reaction because I know she will go berserk.

I understand your concerns Fruity, but your OP shows so much self awareness - you are obviously quite a reflective person, and you have looked back over how things were with your first child, you have analysed your mother's behaviour with great insight, and you recognise what you need to do, which is more than half the battle. I think having a practical plan worked out, with your DH's support, is important. Can you plan a family activity for, say, the next two or three weekends? So that your DD has something to look forward to, which focuses on the nuclear family, not with your mum involved? At least that will take her mind off going to your mum. It sounds as if being at your mum is the 'default' position, so if your dd is sat at home with nothing planned, that's when she's most likely to start wanting to go to your mum's.

I really think once your dd has 're-learned' that she can go out and do fun things with you, then she'll be fine. It's not that she likes or loves her grandmother more, it just sounds like it's become a habit to do stuff with her. Children are amazingly adaptable - you just need to break the routine she'll fallen into and create a new one based around your own family.

YANBU to reduce access.

If your dd has a tantrum then so be it.

You, your dh and your children need time together as a family unit without your mother's interference.

Personally I would also be putting my foot down about your mum ignoring your ds1 in his own home but that's probably a battle for another day.

Good luck, Fruitysunshine.

You will be doing this for her own good Fruity, she will be even more hurt further down the line if your mum gets bored with her and moves on to your other dc and drops her like a hot potato just like that, sorry to be so blunt. At least you are preparing her and doing this for her own good later on. What would she feel if her grandma goes off her and she does not know what she has done wrong, and might blame the situation on herself. Your mum needs to grow up fgs i thought that a mum/grandmas love was unconditional what a child she is. If she does move onto your other dc restric access asap to prevent further hurt.

Yes totally , i would confront your mum about her appaling behaviour towards your ds it is disgusting, but sort the situation with your dd first.

"I know she will go berserk". Then let her go beserk. You cannot change her reaction. But just be prepared for her temper tantrum. When she does, stand firm, stay calm and watch her silliness. Whatever she threatens you with, or whatever she says, stand firm. Be polite but firm.

Once she has calmed down, and you have your dd back, she will come back to you.

The trick is to remain completely calm and centred, and just watch her, and don't take whatever she says to heart. It is just a temper tantrum.

The reason I say all of this is that I have been there with my mum (although a different subect area) but it was amazing to watch her reaction when she couldn't get her own way.

And that's all this is - your mum wanting her own way.

Once you have established the new "rules" of your house and children, she will have to comply, whatever she says, because you have the upper hand - they are your children.

EH? Your DD is at your mothers and has been since Christmas? Just get her back! She lives with you, put an end to the madness!

I think you need to step up, take control and stop paying attention to your mother. Tell her that if she can't be supportive then you don't want to hear from her. Start parenting effectively and firmly and stop the sleepovers. I understand you think that things have got away from you but there is only one person who can change that. Start right now. Get your daughter home, deal with the tantrums and start fresh.

Be in control. Your mother knows that you are not and is expoliting this. If she continues as she has, cut her out for a while.

Thank you all for such wise words of planning and encouragement. It all seems so simple written down in black and white and it is really that simple logically. It is the emotional side of it that is difficult but I shall just have to suck it up and get on with it.

Phew, I am so glad my DH is coming home so we can put a plan in place. I think it is good that school is about to start as that will put back some routine back into our lives - thank goodness for routine!!

please protect your dc's from this potentially damaging conditional love.
image how hurt your dd will be when your mother turns her back on her
did she turn her back on your ds when she lost control of him?
if dd has a tantrum then remind her this is her home, you and dh are her parents, and maybe instigate a new rule ie no more than 1 night away from home each week, and promote that these nights away are at sleepovers with friends her own age. if she gets upset tell her you've missed her.
if your mother gets upset tell her you've missed your dd, end of story.

Parents are hard work, aren't they? Family politics - we can do without it!! My parents are due back from holiday next week, and I'm dreading it...dreading the hassle.

I think you need to grow a pair to be honest. You ask your mum to be polite to your son in your home but she 'refuses to discuss it'? Well quite, it's not up for discussion. No one would be welcome in my home if they were disrespectful to a member of my family.

Take control of your life and your family, you're 37 ffs.

abbierhodees - thank you for your wise words.

abbierhodes is so right - do not allow anyone into your home who will not speak to your children. your ds has a right not to be treated like this in his own home!

Not sure if your reply is sarcastic, I know my comment sounded harsh. But harsh is what you need to be. Your children are the most important thing in your life, show them this. Of course a 9 year old will have a tantrum when taken away from a place where she's spoilt rotten...my DS was crying earlier because I wouldn't allow him to have a Toblerone for breakfast.

Also, stop giving your mum money to take her out. Use that cash to spoil her a bit yourself. If grandma wants to look like the generous one then it should come out of her own pocket.

abbie - my reply was sarcastic but it was worded truthfully. Your comments are infact very wise, as is shineoncrazydiamond.

I think people believe the execution of the remedy to this situation is less difficult than I am making it. However my whole life I have been "scared" to confront my mum about anything due to her control of us as children and I have never gotten past that barrier. Unfortunately now, due to my own cowardness, it is affecting my children and I have to do something. But I honestly did not know if limiting access to my daughter as a way of stopping this developing further was a reasonable thing to do.

I hear what you are all saying and know this situation is not normal and I know what I have to do now.

It will be hard because your mum is used to having her own way.

Tell her your dd1 is coming home today as dh is home and your are having some family time together before dc go to school.

Once dd is home then remind your mum that as your having 'family time' and your will call her at the weekend, and leave it at that.

As for dd1 she will learn that staying at grandparents is a treat and only happening now and again. Ignore any bad behaviour and plan with her something to do together while dh is at home.

I'm sorry if your mum can not be polite to your DS then I would tell her to leave untill she can behave as adult.