AIBU to drastically restrict DD's access to my mum?

[Fruitysunshine]

I must be feeling brave posting in here!

I have 3 children, 17, 9 and 2. I lived with my parents up until my eldest son was 8 and he was spoiled rotten by my mum. Even to this day she relishes in telling me how she is really is mum too as she helped raise him. She can be quite sarcastic when she says it. She threatened to take him off me by adoption once in a heated argument when I lived with her.

Race forward a few years and now she has disowned my eldest totally (he has had a few issues over the last two years which I am pleased to say he has come out of the other side much happier and settled) and now "claimed" my 2nd child (9yr old) as her favourite. She barely acknowledges my youngest.

My daughter has spent every night since christmas night sleeping at my mums. She enjoys spending time with my mum and mum only lives at the end of the road. They do things together like go shopping and visit the cinema etc. I usually pay for these treats out of my own pocket by pre booking tickets or giving my mum cash to spend. I can see my daughter going the same way as my son who had a really difficult time when I eventually got to the point of "straightening him out" of being spoiled rotten. I made a rod for my own back and can see it happening again.

However my real concern is my feelings for my daughter. The closeness I felt with her is diminishing as I am not seeing her so often and I feel jealous that my mum is spending so much time with my daughter that I am not. My mum is very clever, she never actually asks to have my daughter - she will tell my daughter she is doing something and my daughter will want to join her so asks to stay with her. I have expressed concern to my mum about the amount of time my daughter is spending with her and her response is "What is the problem with it?" I then get tongue tied and can't think of anything substantial to say.

Every night I put DD2 to bed in her room and DD1's bed is empty and I now look at it in such a way that she will never really return to it. I feel like she has left the "bosom" of her family to live somewhere else. This has been going on for about a year but I don't know how to fix it as I already failed my first child.

My husband has been away since christmas morning working and I will eventually see him tonight yet upon insistence that my DD1 is home to sleep she has a big tantrum and my mum says "Well, what do you expect?"

Don't get me wrong, over the years my mum has been helpful in one way or another, just as I have been for her, but I have stopped asking her for favours or help because she always says no and she makes me feel a failure for still "having to ask my mum for help" at 37. She tells me the reason my DD does not want to be with me is because she feels left out yet in reality she is barely with us to give her any attention and the rare time that she is everything is worked around her.

I know that I am ultimately responsible for this situation as I am her mother but Am I being unreasonable to drastically reduce my mum's access to my daughter so that me, my husband and other children can re-establish a relationship with my daughter?

Littlefish - I suppose that, amongst one or two other suggestions here today, is what I would consider to be "normal" in an ideal world. So perhaps it is possible to obtain that middle of the road.

I havent read all the posts but as a doting grandma myself I would not expect to have dgc overnight if I lived 'at the end of the road'.Your dd lives at home with you and treats and visits with granny should be occasional.You need to insist that your dd sleeps at home every night[unless there is an emergency]and if your mum wants to treat her then she pays for her.Your mum is bullying you and manipulating your dd.YANBU to object.

Fruity - perhaps you and your dh could sit down and decide what you want to happen. That way, any conversation either of you have with her will have a consistent message.

I think you just have to go cold turkey on this one, make a rule and stick to it. E.g. one day after school each week, and one night a month (or whatever you agree).

I think you also need to have a very hard conversation with her about the fact that you have three children and that if she wants to have a close relationship with dd1, then she needs to work on her relationship with ds1 and dd2 as well.

Well done on sticking to your guns, Fruity. You're doing really well, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

agree with copper - well done for withstanding the tantrum and being strong.

Just remember that your dd may want to stay with your mum, but she needs to stay with you. She needs that for her development as a person. It's the harder option for you both in view of her wish to be with her gran but it's the right thing to do.

I think, personally, you need to talk and discuss with your DD rather than allow yourself to be completely placed as the villain of the piece. Do her the courtesy of discussing it and assuming she will understand, to a degree.

OMG i have also just discoeverd that i am the daughter of a narcissistic mother
i clicked on the link out of interest, not for a minute thinking it would apply to my mother, who i believed to be just plain f*ed up and jealous - but there she is!!
i have long ago grieved for the relationship i will never have with her, and long accepted that there was something about me that she just didn't like from day 1
but there it is - the stark realisation that whoever i was, whatever i was she would have always felt the need to piss on my sunshine.
bloody hell! sorry - i am shocked

TBH, your situation sounds horrendous because it sounds as though your mother is running the show and dictating to you / your DD / Dh etc when she is going to see people, and how, and what they are going to do etc. That's not fair on you, your DH, or your other DC and I agree that you need to be back in control of your own life again.

As a practical tactic, how about trying to get a season pass for somewhere that you would enjoy going together as a family next year? Somewhere you would all enjoy going together?

It would serve a number of purposes...

1. Provide bonding time for you as a family - something you have all got so that you can enjoy spending time together.

2. A reason to spend time together. Often these things cost about £100, but then once you've spent the money, you kind of want to go to justify the cost.

3). It gives you a ready made excuse whenever your mum wants to take DD1 out for the day - "Sorry, but we've already arranged to go to X for the day." and if your mum kicks up, then pipe back with, "no it wouldn't be fair on DD2 as we have promised her she can go, and she is really looking forward to it." Then, if needs be offer an alternative date when this can happen, but it does then put you fully in control of what you want to happen and when. I think you need to regain control of your lives, rather than letting it be dictated to by someone else iyswim.

Good luck, and I hope some of that makes sense as it does not sound a nice place to be. I do hope you sort it out and reach a compromise where you are all happy.

I would write your mother a letter, that way she can't manipulate you, and say that unless she treats all of your family with kindness, fairness and respect she is no longer welcome in your home.

Could you move the 240 miles to be near your MIL and away from your mother?

fruity, you have had loads of good advice on this thread. Just wanted to add, that I stood up to my parents a few years ago, and it does take a lot of courage to redefine the boundaries. It is not at all easy, and it may go on for a bit before the dust settles. I was also in my thirties.
Also, be prepared for the possibility of some sort of revenge from your mother for what she may see as your "bad behaviour."

My mother cant accept any redefinition of our relationship, and we dont see each other much now, which is sad.

My mum is very close to my kids too. I lived with her until a few months ago (had moved out but moved back in again, long story!) and so she helped raise the kids from quite young. They are now 8, 7 and 18 months. I moved out of her house in the end as oh and I wanted to move in together, but also because I wanted to regain my motherhood. My mum is not domineering, she would never tell the kids she is like a mum to them, she has been nothing but helpful to us all,but I felt I was letting her do all the mum stuff and I needed to make a change-she is my mum not theirs! And so now I do the mum stuff and my mum is a full on grandmother! She has the kids over the stay at weekends so I can have a break, and the kids love it, and I have them the rest of the week! It works really well for us.

I dont think it is unreasonable to restrict access. My son kicked off in a big way when we moved out of my mums, is was horrendous, but he has got used to how it is now, and he is getting much calmer (he has behavioural and emotional problems) and life is much better for us all.

My gran was a narcissist...terribly controlling all over the family.
I used to wonder why my dad referred to his exrtended family as "My bastard relatives in Oswestry"...then I met them.

Ho hum...they were totally dominated by my grandmother and ytou were with her or against her.

She poisoned all of her grandchildren by telling htem their parents were crap and buying us huge presents (while ignoring and humiliating the parents (her children and their spouses) in front of everyone.

She would give her entire dining furniture suite to the postman but not help out when her own daughter had broken her leg with a 2 year old to look after, that sort of insane stuff.

She even ruined my aunt's engagement by telling her fiance that my aunt drank...this was the 1940's when eminent Harley Street men did not want a wife who would be a liability.

Anyway, she caused total havoc for her children (stopped my dad from attending a posh school he won a scholarship to) the started on her daughter in law (my mum) by telling her she was a bad mother (my broptehr's asthma and eczema were my mohter's fault) and my mum wisely called a halt and separated us children from her.

The remaining grandchild was suckered into renting his house to her for life for peanuts while he ended up in a council flat, she then started on his son (her great grandchild). Only death stopped her hideous intefering and dominance.

You are right to restrict her influence on your children.

Thank you all for your support and messages and you may be glad to hear that they did not go unheard.

I have got DD1 back now to sleep and despite an enormous amount of dramatics and tantrums from her and complete silence from my mother whilst it was all going on I managed to get her back home. I sent her straight to her room to "reflect" on her earlier behaviour then after a short while went and sat with her to talk about how she feels. We talked a lot and she aired some feelings I was not aware of, predominately that she feels DD2 takes up most of my time (she is only 2yrs). So we have agreed to spend more time together and once every couple of weeks to go out and do one special thing together, just us.

I have also had a show down with my mother who has nit picked and criticised me for the last week culminating in an argument on New Years Day where I put the phone down on her. After getting home I explained to her that she has to be civil to my DS17 in his own home and her response was "Well then I won't come in" and I just said that was her choice and she looked shocked. But she has since been in and mumbled something to him like "hello".

Small steps but definite progress I feel. I am so elated to have my DD1 back home and being able to tell her I love her and hold her like I used to again. I cannot emphasise enough how scared I felt believing those days were gone for good.

Thanks for reading.

Thats great! Well done you.

Good for you.

You have handled it well.

I love a happy ending. Thank you for the update .

Awwww! Well done, Fruity. I'm really pleased that things are so much better for you.

I'm sure being back in the routine of school will help settle things down a lot, and if you make a special effort to be busy at the weekends with your whole family and especially dd1 then there just won't be time for her to stay at Grandmas. Decide what you and your husband think is acceptable and stick to your guns. Good luck

Good on you Fruity some people just need to be told

Oh well done fruity .

It sounds like you handled it brilliantly. It's great that you've had a good talk with your dd and come up with some really positive steps for the future. The happier and more comfortable your relationship is with her, the fewer weapons your mother with have.