AIBU to drastically restrict DD's access to my mum?

[Fruitysunshine]

I must be feeling brave posting in here!

I have 3 children, 17, 9 and 2. I lived with my parents up until my eldest son was 8 and he was spoiled rotten by my mum. Even to this day she relishes in telling me how she is really is mum too as she helped raise him. She can be quite sarcastic when she says it. She threatened to take him off me by adoption once in a heated argument when I lived with her.

Race forward a few years and now she has disowned my eldest totally (he has had a few issues over the last two years which I am pleased to say he has come out of the other side much happier and settled) and now "claimed" my 2nd child (9yr old) as her favourite. She barely acknowledges my youngest.

My daughter has spent every night since christmas night sleeping at my mums. She enjoys spending time with my mum and mum only lives at the end of the road. They do things together like go shopping and visit the cinema etc. I usually pay for these treats out of my own pocket by pre booking tickets or giving my mum cash to spend. I can see my daughter going the same way as my son who had a really difficult time when I eventually got to the point of "straightening him out" of being spoiled rotten. I made a rod for my own back and can see it happening again.

However my real concern is my feelings for my daughter. The closeness I felt with her is diminishing as I am not seeing her so often and I feel jealous that my mum is spending so much time with my daughter that I am not. My mum is very clever, she never actually asks to have my daughter - she will tell my daughter she is doing something and my daughter will want to join her so asks to stay with her. I have expressed concern to my mum about the amount of time my daughter is spending with her and her response is "What is the problem with it?" I then get tongue tied and can't think of anything substantial to say.

Every night I put DD2 to bed in her room and DD1's bed is empty and I now look at it in such a way that she will never really return to it. I feel like she has left the "bosom" of her family to live somewhere else. This has been going on for about a year but I don't know how to fix it as I already failed my first child.

My husband has been away since christmas morning working and I will eventually see him tonight yet upon insistence that my DD1 is home to sleep she has a big tantrum and my mum says "Well, what do you expect?"

Don't get me wrong, over the years my mum has been helpful in one way or another, just as I have been for her, but I have stopped asking her for favours or help because she always says no and she makes me feel a failure for still "having to ask my mum for help" at 37. She tells me the reason my DD does not want to be with me is because she feels left out yet in reality she is barely with us to give her any attention and the rare time that she is everything is worked around her.

I know that I am ultimately responsible for this situation as I am her mother but Am I being unreasonable to drastically reduce my mum's access to my daughter so that me, my husband and other children can re-establish a relationship with my daughter?

Sorry meant to add.

All request for staying at nanny's should always be turned down if they come via your daughter.

If your mum can not ask you directly then it not even a option.

FWIW my DC see my mum most weekends (the younger 2 see her more during the week), and has had dd1 to stay a few times. Which i think is normal.

Thank you lizziemun.

frutitysunshine, are you me?? What you describe is scarily like my life! Well if i rewind a bit.

The only advice i have is STOP THIS NOW!! because if this goes on into the teenage years it will lead to trouble. My DD practically lived with my parents, the same as you, i lived with them until she was 2 - but she stayed there most weekends, then it would be all week, etc etc - i let it go on because it was "easier". It is not good for her, because you can bet bottom dollar that when it comes to discipline and all the shit stuff, thats your job - so nanny is a fecking saint in her eyes. It even came to the point where my DD moved in with her during her teenage wobbly years. She is now a lovely 19 yo and thankfully much happier - but she hardly EVER sees her nan and thats really sad - but DD is a stubborn lass and wont be manipulated - which is what my mum does. However, our relationship isnt really close and that is the single biggest regret of my life!!

You don't have to stop the visits and sleep overs, i think they both benefit from them, but it has to be limited - and your mum has to be the one who supports you over this - she shouldn't even be suggesting to DD that she stays there tonight when your DH comes home. It should simply not being an option.

I have another DD now, she is 4, so big gap just like yours, my mum hardly took any notice of her as a baby - didnt even hold her for two weeks, made the excuse she hadn't washed her hands She does now play a big part in her life, but its much more healthy, i wish she would babysit more, she NEVER has dd and DP and i have probably been out alone together three times since she was born 4 years ago. But i prefer it like this.

Fruity, I have a controlling mother myself, so I don't underestimate how difficult your situation is, honestly.

But if you live life by the slogan 'pick your battles'...well, here's a battle that's really important to fight. I find that letting my mother have some small 'wins' makes it easier to assert myself on the things that are improtant to me.

So, for example, smile sweetly and say, "Yes of course you can take her shopping saturday afternoon. I'll cook you both dinner when you bring her back on the evening."

That said, I wouldn't budge on the issue of her treating your DS with respect in his home. Remind her that you would not allow your children to disrespect her. (If necessary, grit your teeth and point out that you feel this way because she brought you up with manners) A little strategic butt-kissing can work wonders with some people!

also, i know how hard it is to "take control" i have a thread going right now about my mothers controlling behaviour, but its hard to battle emotional blackmail - they just seem to know what buttons to press don't they? I'm 39 and still feel like a child sometimes

YANBU. You mother is not being supportive but relishing seeing your relationship with dd1 under strain and enjoying reaping the reward - poor dd1 really.

Having had own issues with the ILs recently, my advice would be to be very busy over a series of weekends with family & with other friends, and dilutes your mother's influence.

The more I read you all the more I realise what a ridiculous situation this is. I run my own business, I help manage my husband's business, so I deal with difficult people on a regular basis and don't feel intimidated in any way at all.

I think I am going to have to pray for a wee bit more strength. Taps braveometer to see if it is working..

Fruity you have to find inner confidence yourself, be assertive YOU are the adult now and your children need to be protected from this behaviour. Get your daughter back now and assert some control over the situation. You cannot let your mum control you anymore you are the adult, you know what to do. Dont let your mum into your home if she is not prepared to be polite to your ds, as an adult you can see that her behaviour is not right and is childish. She does not have a hold of you anymore break free.

Firstly,good luck.
Like others have said plans some family events. I would go a bit further, if there is something your DD would really like to do I would book tickets for it just for you, DH and the kids. That will probably get your DD quite excited and distract her from your mum and remind her that she can do fun things with the family.
I would use school as a reason to limit sleepovers at your mum. i.e. only one or two sleepovers a month during term time.
I can understand people saying you should tell your mum where to get off and there is part of me that agrees with that. However, I am not sure that is what you need to do. I think that reclaiming your daughter and placing visiting your mum back in the category of "treat" will achieve the desired result. That way you don't end up having a spectacular row which takes forever to sort out (and I suspect would only end if you grovelled to your mum).
Please don't pay for any more trips/tickets for your mum to take your daughter out. I suspect your mum is using it to appear the fun and generous grandmother and may be failing to make it clear that you have paid. If she is so keen to take your daughter out then let her pay.
Perhaps you could say to your mum that you would like her to take the children all together or in rotation so each child gets to spend some time with their lovely grandma. After all your mum doesn't believe in favouritism does she.

I just want to say good luck, I also have a 'difficult' mother and I know how hard it is to confront/address the issues. How is your husband/partner in all this, what does he think?
I hope you sort it out, there's some good advice on here.

My husband is a diamond. His mum is the complete opposite to mine and is very supportive without being intrusive. She loves all the kids and although she is a distance from us we speak a couple of times a week.

My husband has been very supportive to my mum over recent years. But she is burning her bridges with him. Two years ago when DD was born I was gravely ill and DH's mum came to stay for a month to look after the children as my mum could not. My mum lives at the end of the road, my MIL lives 240 miles away. Two days after I came out of hospital my mum was in my home creating an argument with me demanding that DH go and fix a leak in a flat she leases out. I recall standing there holding my tummy (I had a CS) thinking "do all new mums have to put up with this stress? Am I just a weakling?" I kept telling her that I am just out of hospital, DH needs to help look after the house and baby with his mum (I also had other surgery I was recovering from) and that her leak was not priority. She was evil in her temper that night.

Her behaviour has continued on like that and even recently when I started my own business she said "I was not capable of making a success of it". DH got very angry and said I should seriously revise my relationship with my mum.

I know he is right. And the future of my children should be enough of an incentive to change it.

I am just at your Mum!!!!

In addition to all the good advice you've been giving no longer pay for ANY treats/outings if your Mum wants to treat them she needs to pay for it!

you say your mum is quite controlling...have you seen the site for daughters of NPD mothers?

I just wondered if your mum is in this category as she has "favourites and outcasts" views on her grandchildren which is an NPD trait.

My gran was like this and tried to turn me against my parents...it was horrible, once I realised what was going on.

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/daughters-of-narcissistic-mothers.html

GOod god, thanks for the link I have just discovered I am a daughter of a narcissist!

OP I think you should decide how often your dd can stay at your mother's house, don't communicate this to your mother, just keep a mental note. What is the age difference between your two dds?

Your mum does not sound normal!

Can your son have a chat with your dd about the effect your mum has had on him? I know my elder bro could always explain the ways of grown ups to me in a way that I could understand and make sense of. Children can be marvellously supportive of each other, and you need to encourage those bonds as well, otherwise your dd could lose those too (not wishing to frighten you though) by not spending enough time with her whole family.

My MIL saw dd about once a week (not that she ever took her anywhere other than to feed the ducks) but I would think that was enough.

You can say that as your dh is coming back you need to spend time as a family and that therefore she can only see your dd once a week, (and by the way she'll have the 2yo with her as well).

Miggsie - I had my lightbulb moment around November time sometime after discovering that site. This is why I know this situation is not right. The effect it has had on me is profound and for a couple of weeks afterwards I just cried, grieving for the mum I will never have.

Thesecondcoming - your situation sounds hideously like one of my friends with her stepdaughter and it upsets her and her DH greatly. For us to have chilled family time would be heavenly without all the interruptions.

MsDoctor - my DS is 17, DD1 is 9 and DD2 is 2. But she never had much to do with DD1 when she was younger either.

Why does society always put mothers up on such pedestals when in actual fact some are downright diabolical!!

your mother needs to get a life of her own and not spend so much time focused on your family.

Fruity, you are not alone. I, too, have a powerful, professional job, and my mum can make my cry by criticising my housework!

You sound like you know exactly what needs to be done, I wish you look in doing it.

You are absolutely right, your kids should be the incentive you need to sort her out. Good luck!

My mum is also very controlling and manipulative, wants to come first with DS1 and will use any tactic available to make him love her best! I have posted about her before. I don't want to make her sound worse than she is because actually she is a good grandma to both my children.

What we do is that DS1 usually sleeps at my parents house once a week either on a Friday or a Saturday (whichever suits me best because I do shift work) and we go there for tea on Sunday as a family unit. The rest of the time he is at home. During school holidays, she usually takes a day off work once a week and takes him out on a trip. Again, I always time this with when I am work so the time she is with him is not when i would have liked to spend time with him iyswim.

You don't mention your Dad but when she (my mum) was going through a particularly possessive phase, it really helped to get him on my side as he is the Voice of Reason in our family.

Thank you abbierhodes. Thank you to everyone for taking the time to offer their thoughts and advice.

My mum has just dropped off my DD who proceeded to have a huge tantrum because she wanted to stay with my mum tonight. I ignored her tantrum and said thanks to my mum for having her. As she walked down the drive my son came back from the barbers. He looked straight at her as they walked past each other and she blanked him. He shook his head and walked inside straight up to his room muttering "some grandmother I have.."

Makes me teary just writing it actually!

Tryharder - my dad died 7yrs ago and it has gotten worse since! He would have been the voice of reason.

I have just clicked on to that narcissistic link and thought "OH MY GOD - THAT IS MY MUM"

I was fat as a child /young teenager(my very slim mum used to make disparaging comments but always had crisps, icecream, cake and chocolate in the house; I was never, ever told that I was pretty and my mum never showed me how to use make up or do my hair or bought me deodorant or similar (I was eventually shamed into using deodorant because i started to smell!!). It was like she wanted me to be ugly. I lost a lot of weight when I was 17/18 and eventually became extremely thin and then bulimic. My mum used to scream at me that I was only doing this for attention and didn't talk to me for days at a time. Ironically about a year later, a colleague of my mum's became bulimic and my mum was that girl's main source of support and she would come round to my mum's house for supportive chats.

Sorry, thread hijack. I'm 40 now so had forgotten a lot of that stuff! Fucking hell....

Fruity - it sounds like you are starting to feel a bit stronger about the situation, which is good.

Just to give you some perspective, I would consider my dd and my MIL to have a very close relationship. They absolutely adore each other. Dd has spent 1 day per week there since she was 10 months old (I went back to work). Now she is at school, they pick her up one day a week and bring her home at about 6.30pm. In addition to this, they do an occasional night's babysitting. If they babysit, they sometimes offer to have dd overnight, but I suppose this is about 6 times a year. MIL lives about 5 miles away and drops in about once a week for coffee. This amount of time works really well for us all and ensures that MIL and dd maintain their close relationship.