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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect some help around the home with something

55 replies

alypaly · 30/12/2009 00:22

Im a single mum.Just had a blazing row with both my boys who are 21.5 and 17yrs
I have worked my butt off since christmas eve...with all the cooking,all the washing up,hoovering,shopping,DIY (tiling kitchen)

DS1 brought all his washing home from uni in his dirty linen basket. I washed it and put back folded in his basket supposedly for HIM to iron. As he has been back from uni nearly 3 weeks the basket is now overflowing with washed clothes.Zeroironed.

DS1 had 12 friends round on xmas eve for cocktails and nibbles...which i did, as it is tradition. DS1's girlfriend came for a meal on christmas day eve. We dont normally eat a big meal in the evening as we are stuffed from turkey lunch. But changed my day round ,had lunch earlier and then a meal in the evening for his GF.Dont mind that but noone offered to wash up. AIBU

Have spent days cooking up home made food from all the xmas left overs,freezing pies ,soups etc. Havent been out once over xmas.Trying to save money.
Keep reminding them to turn lights out..it looks like the national grid is full on in my house when they are both home.

They find it difficult to sort out whos turn it is to empty the dishwasher...always under protest...always 'ill do it later'

So finally blew tonight. The hours they spend on that computer playing on-line war games ,but they havent got the time to keep rooms tidy,help wash up ,iron. Ended up doing all DS1's ironing yesterday as i was sick of the sight of it piling up.
DS2 tried to say they had offered to help( are they in another world or is it me)...i must be going deaf cos ive never heard it. Do they not realise that dinner plates and pans dont go back into the cupboards on their own

I was so angry....DS2 tried to talk to me and i wouldnt let him speak ( feel awful about that now,but after he said 'you listen im talking' i saw red and told DS1 not to bother coming home from uni if he thought i was always nagging and told them both to go and find a cook and a cleaner as i had had enough.wonder when i am going to have a treat.

feeling realy miserable now as i really didnt mean to tell DS1 to stay at uni if he didnt like it.(but i was cross and upset)

OP posts:
coldtits · 30/12/2009 00:29

Ok.

A lot of the issues you are raising with your adult offspring are issues that my parents NEVER cured in me. I don't iron clothes, I don't care if they're a bit crumply. Ironing is a waste of life, and many people feel the same way.

YOur Ds1 is 21 and can choose whether or not to iron his clothes. He doesn't have to, it's not the law.

Don't clean up after them, pile it into their beds, including the dirty pots. Incidentally, when they say they'll do it later, do you wait and see, or do you just do it yourself? Wait and see. Or, order them both into the kitchen together.

Don't wait for them to offer because they probably won't. you're their mother and they're used to you doing everything. TELL them, speciffically, hat you want them to do, when you want them to do it and why you feel it needs to be done then.

You can't ak for adult behavior from people you still treat as children.

HTH

famishedass · 30/12/2009 00:32

YABU to wash and iron for 17 year olds and over - chuck it straight back into their bedrooms, works for me

And, don't get up from the sofa and do stuff for the whole family on your own either. If your up, make them get up. What, you get to do domestic chores whilst they play WOW? Start getting tough now. And never ever ever be up doing stuff for them whilst their sat there.

WingedVictory · 30/12/2009 00:40

Hi. You say so matter-of-factly that you did the washing and ironing, that it's hard not to see why the "boys" carry on as they are: it works for them, as it gets done.

You need to make some ground rules (whoever cooks does not wash up - no cooking if no washing up... something like that), as they do not seem the type to "wake up" to their responsibilities. Otherwise, everything will remain the same.

As for hoping that someone will offer to wash up, I'm afraid you have to say something. Just keep it light: Now, as I've cooked, I hope it's all right to leave the washing up to you, as I've got some things to be getting on with.

I'm sorry to have been a bit harsh, as it's a horrible situation. However, you can change it, and make things easier for yourself. I wonder whether you got into this situation in the first place because, as you mentioned, you are a single parent, and have had to do so much on your own. You are evidently independent and competent, and have done a lot for yourself and your sons. However, could that be the reason you have been left like this, continuing to Do It All, for years? Good luck with your struggle to make life easier, and do post to let us know how you are getting on!

P.S. Never iron. Unironed clothes don't smell, so there is no hygienic reason forcing you to do it! This is why I do DH's washing, but never his ironing.

Original poster
alypaly · 30/12/2009 00:40

was i horrible to say that to DS1

I noticed that DS2 went to bed with a blotchy face. I asked him if he had been crying ,to which i got an abrupt NO. He said its cos ive got a cold.

I also said ....you'll be soryy when im not here...or maybe you wont and then i went to my room. I hate this lazyarsedness and being taken for granted every frigging day.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 30/12/2009 00:40

stop being such a bleedin martyr.as long as you slave over domestic chores they will royally take the piss

grow a spine - say no

famishedass · 30/12/2009 00:43

You were angry and you said something horrible to your DS. It happens, we all say things we don't mean when we're angry. In the morning, apologise for your remarks and then move on. Not worth getting upset over - you are sorry and you'll say your sorry, then it's over.

WingedVictory · 30/12/2009 00:45

Why not upset him, FGS? He has to learn that you have feelings!

Original poster
alypaly · 30/12/2009 00:49

wingedV ive said 'whoever cooks does not wash up - no cooking if no washing up..' so many times. They both say later later. Then it comes to evening meal times and the stuff is still sat there.i only have a small kitchen too. DS1 is on his way out thro the door,DS2 is doing his revision(ha ha) whilst using facebook with other side of brain. I cant win
Then they say i shout at them,( well tonight i screamed at them )( tonight they are right i did scream...i lost it big time). They think continually asking them to do things is nagging. I only have small house and DS1 has a small bedroom. I keep saying, more the reason to keep tidy....i cant see the carpet for the clothes strewn on the floor.

OP posts:
ButterPie · 30/12/2009 00:51

I tell my mum so many times to stop cleaning up after my 16 yo sister, but she keeps doing it, then moaning. She actually goes in the bedroom to tidy it as she worries my sister will be ashamed to bring her friends home from college. I tell her if my sister is ashamed, then maybe she will tidy up. I was exactly the same as a teenager, my first few flats were health hazards, but then I grew up. My sister will be the same.

Agree ironing is a waste of time.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 30/12/2009 00:52

okaaay
Have there ever been chores that they have been expected to do? If not, then you can't expect that they will just magically do things that need doing. They probably think that you are enjoying looking after them.

Have you always done everything for them?

I think its time to learn the word "no", and to give them chores.

coldtits · 30/12/2009 00:52

You don't need to see the carpet in his bedroom

I can't see the carpet in my bedroom either. I don't care!

Continually asking someone to do things is nagging. I'm not saying you're wrong to nag, but you can't claim you;'re not nagging.

If the stuff is still there at mealtimes, don't cook for them.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 30/12/2009 00:53

btw, I love the "21.5 yo"....whats that in months?

Original poster
alypaly · 30/12/2009 00:53

i dont tidy either of their rooms,i just shut their doors when i have visitors as i am so embarrassed.Its the lack of help with kitchen stuff especially at busy times like xmas when the pressure is full on with lots of people round.

OP posts:
Original poster
alypaly · 30/12/2009 00:54

21 years and 6 months bloody adult

OP posts:
coldtits · 30/12/2009 00:55

I also don't wash up after every meal.

Unfortunately you are in a situation with the two dults who live in your house - that they don't have the same housekeeping standards as you. So you are trying to keep it to YOUR standard, and they aren't, because to them, it looks fine.

The best way to deal with this would be to charge the older one £70 per week housekeeping, and give the younger one no money/credit/internet access whatsoever.

In fact, cutting the internet with a password might solve all your problems... no washing up gets done - no WOW.

WingedVictory · 30/12/2009 00:56

If they ignore you, that's serious, and deserves some proper screaming, not just nagging. Come on, show them you are pissed off and tired and frustrated!

scottishmummy · 30/12/2009 00:56

as long as you skivvy after them they will let you.so one night sort your own tea,dont get theirs.let them figure this out

and set some parameters and stick to them.every time you cave in is kerching mum sorts everything. remember these lads have to eventually be someone else dp.you want them to be trained to sit on arse and do sweet fa for their partner too?cos mummy skivvied after em?

enough is enough.you work hard you don't need additional hassle

Original poster
alypaly · 30/12/2009 00:57

i have told them i expect them to hoover their rooms and the lounge. wash up their glasses rather than piling them on the sink. clean the toilet seat ,clean the loo. I have told them to clean the bathroom on a rota basis as they poo and shower there too.

OP posts:
coldtits · 30/12/2009 00:58

hit them with the bogbrush until they comply

Original poster
alypaly · 30/12/2009 00:58

i am a very strong willed mum and dont stand any messing,but nothing seems to work Im wondering if its because there has been no man in the house to give them a good roasting for 15 years. Ive been mum and da to both of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
alypaly · 30/12/2009 00:59

cheers coldtits

OP posts:
WingedVictory · 30/12/2009 00:59

scottishmummy, they don't have to be someone else's DP, they might never hook someone, with this sort of crap attitude!

scottishmummy · 30/12/2009 01:01

aly it is because you do stuff for em.you cave in 1st.bloody well done all your efforts and parenting they need to start showing mum some appreciation

Original poster
alypaly · 30/12/2009 01:02

scottish mum,did that tonight and at 10.30 they came down stairs off internet game and said...wait for it...whats for tea.
So i said ive had mine if you want anything there is soe cold roast beef in the fridge and just left them to it. Kitchen devastated after they had finished making sandwiches,thats when i blew.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 30/12/2009 01:02

WV,given the posts i see on mn about dp/dh i imagine some deluded burd will have them.then post on mn her man does sweet fa