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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect some help around the home with something

55 replies

alypaly · 30/12/2009 00:22

Im a single mum.Just had a blazing row with both my boys who are 21.5 and 17yrs
I have worked my butt off since christmas eve...with all the cooking,all the washing up,hoovering,shopping,DIY (tiling kitchen)

DS1 brought all his washing home from uni in his dirty linen basket. I washed it and put back folded in his basket supposedly for HIM to iron. As he has been back from uni nearly 3 weeks the basket is now overflowing with washed clothes.Zeroironed.

DS1 had 12 friends round on xmas eve for cocktails and nibbles...which i did, as it is tradition. DS1's girlfriend came for a meal on christmas day eve. We dont normally eat a big meal in the evening as we are stuffed from turkey lunch. But changed my day round ,had lunch earlier and then a meal in the evening for his GF.Dont mind that but noone offered to wash up. AIBU

Have spent days cooking up home made food from all the xmas left overs,freezing pies ,soups etc. Havent been out once over xmas.Trying to save money.
Keep reminding them to turn lights out..it looks like the national grid is full on in my house when they are both home.

They find it difficult to sort out whos turn it is to empty the dishwasher...always under protest...always 'ill do it later'

So finally blew tonight. The hours they spend on that computer playing on-line war games ,but they havent got the time to keep rooms tidy,help wash up ,iron. Ended up doing all DS1's ironing yesterday as i was sick of the sight of it piling up.
DS2 tried to say they had offered to help( are they in another world or is it me)...i must be going deaf cos ive never heard it. Do they not realise that dinner plates and pans dont go back into the cupboards on their own

I was so angry....DS2 tried to talk to me and i wouldnt let him speak ( feel awful about that now,but after he said 'you listen im talking' i saw red and told DS1 not to bother coming home from uni if he thought i was always nagging and told them both to go and find a cook and a cleaner as i had had enough.wonder when i am going to have a treat.

feeling realy miserable now as i really didnt mean to tell DS1 to stay at uni if he didnt like it.(but i was cross and upset)

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 30/12/2009 01:04

aly a few more mum doesnt do tea etc nights.wine treats for you .they sort themselves. hopefully they will mature and see mum has done heaps for them,and morph into the charming men they are capable of being

WingedVictory · 30/12/2009 01:05

By the way, alypaly, please don't think I don't have any sympathy - DH verges on this at times (lived with his mother till he was in his mid-30s), and it is bloody frustrating and offensive. I even had to kick him out (before we were married or even engaged) at one point, which might not work your younger son.

People are only saying harsh things because the situation is crap, and there is a way to change it, hard and long work though it may be. As I said, you might have got into I'll-do-it habits through being a single parent, so you evidently have staying power and strength.

Original poster
alypaly · 30/12/2009 01:05

believe me my house is no magazine cover ,but its like a war zone when they are around,especially DS1. He was so tidy before he went to uni and now he is just the total opposite.

OP posts:
Original poster
alypaly · 30/12/2009 01:10

they both used to be so much more willing ,i wonder if it is like alpha male stuff ....hormones,girls messing their heads up,

Sat here having a drink of wine to calm down before i go to bed

OP posts:
Original poster
alypaly · 30/12/2009 01:11

WV my boyfriend still lives with his mum and he was 50 this year. Maybe a attract helpless men.

Gotta do something about this with all 3 of them before i commit murder.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 30/12/2009 01:14

yes adolescence,and off to uni.pushing boundaries.exploration and testing.so hard upon you though.BUT don't be passive do set some parameters and stick to them.also pat on back for your efforts so far.

so what about a chat over dinner and some straight talking and hopefully some ground rules

WingedVictory · 30/12/2009 01:16

Have more wine. Throw the bottle where it will get underfoot of someone who doesn't tidy up!

Good luck.

Sorry, have to go to bed. Museums in the morning with hyper child entering his terrible 2s early! (But he is sweet when he's captivated by something.)

Original poster
alypaly · 30/12/2009 01:18

yes SM i think thats a good idea...will try tomorrow if i can get them both together. i have got to do something before i walk.

thanks for the pat on the back,not been easy on my own since thay were 5 and 1.5yrs.
Feel a tad tearful tonight as its really got to me...im not hormonal either(past that) its just really got to me. Im normally pretty tough too.

OP posts:
Original poster
alypaly · 30/12/2009 01:20

going to try and get some sleep or plan my attack for tomorrow. thanks guys will let you know the outcome.

OP posts:
WingedVictory · 30/12/2009 01:22

Oh, just another thought Could you move house when the 17 yo "leaves home" (chance of uni?), to "downsize", so freeing up some income for yourself and getting them off familiar territory and out of familiar ways?
Right, really going now.

pithyslicker · 30/12/2009 01:25

When my DCs are making a mess or annoying me, I try to think they aren't going to be living here forever, and I'll miss the mess and noise etc. when they've gone, but I am a bit of a wuss.

CardyMow · 30/12/2009 03:24

Haha at 21yo not tidying! I had 3 DC's by that age!!! HE obviously knows he's got it made! Mess in their rooms? SHUT THE DOOR! I do this with my 11yo DD, if they're old enough to make the mess, they're old enough to clean it (even with SN like 2 of mine!). My 11yo DD (w/SN) does the washing up twice a week, or no phone credit, my 8yo DS helps with the washing, and a lack of ironing hasn't killed anyone yet (I'm not allowed to use an iron, it's too dangerous with my epilepsy). My 6yo DS2 also has SN and he has to help me sort out putting the clothes in the drawers. YOU DO TOO MUCH!! GO ON STRIKE! I'm quite sure your DS2 feeds himself away at uni, he's not dead and he's been there since october. And if his kitchen at Uni gets too rank, the 'wardens?' or whoever checks the place once a month can fine them/give written warnings, so I'm dang sure he manages it there.

Original poster
alypaly · 30/12/2009 13:51

WV if i downsized i'd be living in a caravan.

loudlass .i do shut the door but its the mess everywhere else.it looks like some student accomodation.
DS1 is not in campus accomodation ,he is in a rented house. Its a tip,there are 5 of them living there,but thats their problem,thankfully not mine.
DS2 doesnt get pocket money he goes out to work some sundays and also does the elderley neighbours gardens for money. I pay for his gym and that is equivalent of spends as far as i am concerned.

Ah well new day today. DS2 has decided to wash up so something has sunk in.We'll see how long it lasts. Slight atmosphere from DS1 this morning,nearlt took myself off for some window shopping at Trafford centre.

OP posts:
Pikelit · 30/12/2009 14:18

I brought up two boys mainly single-handedly. They are now 28 and 27 and pleasingly domesticated. Such was not always the case. However, shouting had precisely no effect whatsoever other than putting everyone on the defensive and ultimately upsetting all. What did work was setting sensible expectations. None of which involved me acting like a martyred cook and housekeeper. Shouting and crying is counterproductive, as are grand gestures that will be ignored because of their sheer unrealistic grandeur (both you and your son know that you aren't serious about him staying at uni instead of coming home).

I know it sounds difficult but DO shut the door on messy bedrooms. Don't rearrange everything to accommodate girlfriends if you will feel resentful. DO sit on the sofa and invite boys to provide fresh pots of tea/pour drink/pass the biscuits - in between doing the washing up. If washing up is not done, don't cook meals. Whatever you do, don't unleash any more hopeless men onto the world. Or at best, let them out as hopeless, hungry men.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 30/12/2009 14:23

Honestly.....

It's a bit late now! You've left it a bit late in the day to start teaching them hwo to help around the house, or to expect them to just do it by themselves! They won't see things if they have not been taught to do so!

Stop playing the martyr and doing everything! If you didn't want to have to cater alone for 12 people, then don't! WHY ON EARTH did you do his ironing?

Make strict rules. If DS1 is not prepared to help, he is not welcome to stay. He does his own washing, from start to finish and if he leaves it all day festering wet in the machine, or doesn't put it away then next time the machine is out of bounds and he will have to take it to the launderette and pay for it. He is an adult! If he wants dinner for his girlfriend, he either has to cook it or wash it up. Immediately, not after a couple of days when it's all mouldy. If he doesn't, then don't cook for him!

If there is an atmosphere then tought shit! He is a man! A grown man! It might be hard to see him as anything other than your little boy, but if he doesn't like it he can stay with a friend or in a hotel.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 30/12/2009 14:28

With regard to DS1's room, I woudl turn it into a guest room. He doesn't live with you any more. Redecorate and get new sheets, make it all tody so that when he comes home he is not coming back to "his room" to just turn back into a pigsty. It's like he has more rights over it than you do at the moment!

WingedVictory · 30/12/2009 14:29

Pikelit, I liked this! "Whatever you do, don't unleash any more hopeless men onto the world. Or at best, let them out as hopeless, hungry men."

Morloth · 30/12/2009 14:33

They are totally taking the piss.

Stop washing their clothes, having anything to do with their rooms. Close the door.

If they don't wash up/empty dishwasher then no cooking for them.

They are adults if they don't pull their weight as "flatmates" then tell them they will have to leave.

If you are not going to stick up for yourself they are going to continue letting you do it all. Do they contribute to household costs at all?

norfolkBRONZEturkey · 30/12/2009 14:35

I would be tempted to treat them like children

Big black bin liners, fill them with all their stuff they leave lying around
Keep one set of clean cutlery/crockery hidden saucepan/frying pan in your room and put the rest on the sides in their rooms when it gets dirty so its not cluttering up your space
Do nothing for them

Morloth · 30/12/2009 14:35

Any mess they leave lying around the house gets chucked into their rooms and the door closed again. It is a problem, but it doesn't have to be your problem.

Jux · 30/12/2009 16:42

I had a flat mate like this for a very short while. He was insufferable. I did hide one set of crockery, a pan and saucepan, wooden spoon in my room. When I couldn't get in the kitchen for the (his) mess I just put it all on his bed. He was very very pissed off. I ignored him and kept on doing it (but had to lock my bedroom door as he'd moved the mess from his room to mine, cheeky sod!). He did eventually get a bit better. Well, I wasn't his mum. I moved out and left him to it.

mumeeee · 30/12/2009 17:19

At 21 you should refuse to do his washing he should either do it at uni or if that's difficult then do it himself when he gets home. DD2 is 20 and has just finished her first term at uni. She didn't bring any washing for me to do. Although she doesn't think of washing up unless I ask her. Just before Christmas I did ask her and DD3 to help with dusting and vacuuming as I was a t work all day. They actually did it without moaning and they washed up.

Original poster
alypaly · 30/12/2009 17:40

morloth...DS1 is at uni full time course and doesnt earn money as he is doing a long pharmacy course. He will start earning next year but he is staying in accomodation near the uni and therefore not coming home.

magic dragon...didnt mind all his mates coming round for drinks and nibbles...it was the fact that they he didnt help tidy up.

We have had quite major discussions today and they have both responded well. I dont think they sre bad guys and Ds1 does alot of his own cooking at uni(not microwave crap) so it isnt as if he cant do it. Left them to it today whilst i got on with tiling the kitchen.

Ihave really out my foot down today and said enough is enough,tidy the crap up in your rooms,and the kitchen has been cleaned after lunch too. I think i need to remind them that i am not their cook and cleaner more frquently.

Pikelit loved your comment too think Ill show them if i get pissed off again,or quote you.

OP posts:
Strawbezza · 30/12/2009 17:59

Alypaly, I'm glad they have responded well! Calm, level-headed discussions are definitely the way forward, as others have pointed out screaming/crying/nagging does not work.

Don't wait until an offer is made to e.g. wash up, if you did the cooking then just ask them outright which one of them will be washing up. They won't be offended, they will glance at each other and decide whose turn it is.

Same goes for all the other household tasks - you say to them, "Task 1 needs doing, who's going to do it?" If they answer "you are, mum" then you reply, "OK, but then you can do Task 2. Is that alright?"

Fairness is the key. Share out the tasks equally between the able-bodied adults in the house.

expatinscotland · 30/12/2009 18:05

What Morloth said.

This would never have happened to my mother because she wouldn't have allowed it.

It would have been, 'I'm doing X and you are doing Y' and if Y didn't get done tough.

I was doing all my own laundry when I was nine, fgs.

How hard is it to load a washing machine and turn it on?

If I didn't do my wash I went in dirty clothes.

Simples.