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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH being unreasonable to be furious with BIL?

72 replies

lazylion · 29/12/2009 22:47

My new brother in law just pretended to knee my 2 year old son in the face and my husband said "if you do that I will have to kill you" and then didn't speak to him for the rest of the visit (another 15 minutes). DH is furious and thinks he should have thrown the BIL out of the house. This came after my sister's 11 year old had been hitting my 2 year old over the head repeatedly with a foam sword. The BIL did not react to what DH said, but I have a feeling I will be getting a nasty email from my sister tomorrow.
Was my DH being reasonable, unreasonable or too reasonable?

OP posts:
JInglesBells · 29/12/2009 22:51

He wasn't BU pulling your Bil up on the behaviour.... but he was BU not speaking to him. He should have just carried on as normal. If you get an email from your sis, I think you should back your dh up. That kind of behaviour (bil's) is not big, funny or clever imo.

Lifeinagoldfishbowl · 29/12/2009 22:57

Your BIL pretended to knee your son in the face, his 11 year old cousin was hitting him over the head repeatedly WTF you think your DH is BU why didn't you ask them to leave it's unacceptable for these people to bully/intimidate your child and you think your husband is being unreasonable what did you say/do to stop this behaviour to your son!!!!!

oliviasmama · 29/12/2009 23:00

were they pretend fighting or something? slightly o.t.t. if so but I understand why he was a bit put out by BIL's action. Not the best use of words I've heard though

DollyMessiter · 29/12/2009 23:02

Is your BIL really young?
Sounds like it was a bit of banter gone wrong.

Although if an adult pretended to kneee one of my children in the face when they were just two yo, that person would find themselves with a foam sword up their arse, courtesy of me, let alone my DH.

Good for your DH for sticking up for the little chap. BIL should have apologised.

LouMacca · 29/12/2009 23:03

No your DH is not BU. He pretended to knee your 2 year old in the face ?? Can only imagine what my DH would have done!

ChippingIn · 29/12/2009 23:05

Was he playing with your DS or being nasty? I think intent is important here. If he was being nasty then I think your DH was right to be angry (but should not have said what he did, that was equally childish), if he was just playing then he should have said that you don't think that kind of 'play' is suitable for your toddler and to please stop it. Either way, the adults (DH & BIL) should have been man enough to have sorted this out, at the time, without the childish behaviour.

choosyfloosy · 29/12/2009 23:06

Oh blimey, they do sound nightmarish. I'd say wait a few days. Don't respond to any email, let your dh cool off and discuss it again in a couple of weeks.

Then you can decide how to handle this - whether you get in touch specifically about this, whether you set ground rules as and when they are next with you; I can't think they are going to be happy about any restrictions on their behaviour but I would imagine you care less about their feelings than your poor bewildered dc.

I have to say that your dh's response was a bit violent too! Sounds a little bit over the top tbh, esp if they were play-fighting?

ChippingIn · 29/12/2009 23:07

and frankly, I wouldn't want to live with someone who said what your DH did, he sounds angry and scary. Is he?

SazzlesOnASled · 29/12/2009 23:07

Personally i think threatening to kill someone is plain wrong IMO. Yes, ask him not to do it but that really is OTT, so he IBU

tethersjinglebellend · 29/12/2009 23:10

I think you should arrange a fight and let them sort it out the 'man' way

KitKatQueensSpeech · 29/12/2009 23:11

YABU, your dh was not. He was being a bit childish by not talking to bil after the incident tho.

If you get a nasty email respond to it by stating that bil was being a twat.

scottishmummy · 29/12/2009 23:11

why are you caught in middle of this?bil and dh have a beef they sort it out.if your sis sends a snippy email she is getting too embroiled.

tbh both your dh and bil sound a bitty alpha male over charged

GoddessRidingSantasSleigh · 29/12/2009 23:12

dp does play fighting with dd and they 'pretend' all sorts of things... he was pretending i think everyone is overreacting imo it was a joke. also, if you don't like your ds being hit with a foam sword then why let it continue repeatedly?

DollyMessiter · 29/12/2009 23:13

Ooh yes, foam swords at dawn!

scottishmummy · 29/12/2009 23:14

dont respond to any emails unless you want to be argumentative

cat64 · 29/12/2009 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

scottishmummy · 29/12/2009 23:20

face it both dh and bil are bampots

Original poster
lazylion · 29/12/2009 23:22

DH is not scary, but does tend to explode after a while rather than nipping things in the bud when they start. Stupid 11 year old had been told repeatedly by me to stop it, he didn't and my sister did not appear to notice (as usual).
My 2 year old DS didn't notice the 'kneeing', it was done to be funny, but not funny in the leat IMO. He is lucky I didn't see it the twat.
Thanks for idea of ground rules,I should have done that with the 11 year old cousin a long time ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
lazylion · 29/12/2009 23:25

bampot? Is that scottish?

Does DH need an anger management course do you think?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 29/12/2009 23:34

i think bil and dh are equally matched in temper and posturing.both sound like big swinging dick alph males.your dh wildly over reacted,and bil probably pushed it too far

and 11yo is adolescent they need boundaries,intervention to say stop hitting

sounds like a niggle between all adults concerned.is that is a potential issue?

gerontius · 29/12/2009 23:37

If BIL did it as a joke and DS didn't care at all, why does it matter? Your DH was completely OTT.

Original poster
lazylion · 29/12/2009 23:40

Not really scottishmummy, more like the new BIL doesn't know how to behave around children (he calls them all 'mate') and DH can't express disapproval without feeling violent about it. Negotiating these things is usually my job. I'm scared to tell new BIL anything though, he takes himself very seriously. My sister is having his baby soon, perhaps I should pretend to slap the little thing and that might get the point across. (I would never ever do that obviously)

OP posts:
Heated · 29/12/2009 23:41

OTT all round.

If new BIL doesn't know a lot about children he may not have realised his behaviour was appropriate for a 2 yr old, if he intended to be funny. And given dh's reaction he's hardly likely to repeat it!

DH should have been cooler about the whole thing. He could have easily put BIL in his place without threatening to kill him! If sister emails/texts, you could ignore it or concede that both men behaved like prats.

gerontius · 29/12/2009 23:41

Why shouldn't he call children "mate"?

Heated · 29/12/2009 23:42

sorry, should be INappropriate.

Dh should certainly have said something, just more sensible!