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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH being unreasonable to be furious with BIL?

72 replies

lazylion · 29/12/2009 22:47

My new brother in law just pretended to knee my 2 year old son in the face and my husband said "if you do that I will have to kill you" and then didn't speak to him for the rest of the visit (another 15 minutes). DH is furious and thinks he should have thrown the BIL out of the house. This came after my sister's 11 year old had been hitting my 2 year old over the head repeatedly with a foam sword. The BIL did not react to what DH said, but I have a feeling I will be getting a nasty email from my sister tomorrow.
Was my DH being reasonable, unreasonable or too reasonable?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 29/12/2009 23:46

bil said jokey "mate" what a git,you will cover for your dh any ole way it seems.

grasping at bil saying mate as offensive
as opposed to dh I will have to kill you" being what a witty salutation??

mmmm me thinkey you are kidding yourself!

Missus84 · 29/12/2009 23:46

If BIL was just playing and ds wasn't bothered, then your DH has been a bit ridiculous.

overmydeadbody · 29/12/2009 23:48

Your DH is being unreasonable to threaten to kill him.

GoddessRidingSantasSleigh · 29/12/2009 23:48

what's wrong with being friendly to the dc's i know lots of men who call dc's 'mate'. they are usually the fun ones the dc's like playing with

GoddessRidingSantasSleigh · 29/12/2009 23:49

sorry, total over usage of 'dc' in my post

Original poster
lazylion · 29/12/2009 23:50

gerontius - a whole new debate. IME it is usually people who feel uncomfortable around children who call them 'mate'. I always think men calling each other 'mate' are being a bit threatening. Only my opinion of course.

OP posts:
gerontius · 29/12/2009 23:52

I've always thought it was the typical male "orright mate". Doesn't really seem threatening to me...

scottishmummy · 29/12/2009 23:53

my DH "can't express disapproval without feeling violent about it". dear god

think yep he has issues and you acknowledge that by saying "Negotiating these things is usually my job". what a chore having to make sure dh is kept sweet and doesn't lose it.his emotional responses aren't his responsibility,they are are his,and if anyone needs to do anything about it it is him

Original poster
lazylion · 29/12/2009 23:54

see your point scottishmummy. But DH was not responding to my DS being called mate was he? Now that would be unreasonable.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 29/12/2009 23:55

LL i think you will spin this any ole way to put dh in good light

Original poster
lazylion · 29/12/2009 23:55

OK I will rethink the mate thing!

OP posts:
gerontius · 29/12/2009 23:56

Nope, he was responding to a joke that no-one else was offended/upset by.

coldtits · 30/12/2009 00:03

He pretended to knee your child in the face, an action so vicious and deserving of punishment that your 2 year old didn't, er...didn't ... notice?

So your husband threatened his life.

Nice.

Original poster
lazylion · 30/12/2009 00:07

2 year old has never seen anyone kneed in the face so doesn't understand the intent of that action coldtits. DH does. And implication of what DH said is that if BIL actually did knee DS in the face he would have to kill him.
What would you do if someone kneed your DC in the face?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 30/12/2009 00:11

you are changing parameters to suit self LL.OP says just pretended to knee my 2 year old son in the face so now all of sudden it was real attack

this isnt about your bil

its all about your dh, and you colude and reinterpret events in his favour

GoddessRidingSantasSleigh · 30/12/2009 00:11

yes, but he didn't actually knee him did he so thats an irrelevant question isn't it

Hando · 30/12/2009 00:13

Calling a kid mate isn't a "bad" thing, it's just the sort of thing someone who isn't used to being around young children does, IME.

Same goes for play fighting, a little rough and tumble, messing around. WE know pretending to knee a 2 yr old in the face is a bit , but perhaps new BIL was getting into the playing role and trying to be fun and bond with the kids and he forgot himself as he doesn;t have much experience with kids.

Your husband sounds scary! He would have been best to have said "er mate, probably not a good idea, we don't usually play fight" rather than threaten to kill him. I think your DH was waaay OTT and a sounds a bit loony too! If I were your sister I'd be writing a shitty email to you too.

GoddessRidingSantasSleigh · 30/12/2009 00:14

oh, i see what you are saying with that question ll, dh said if he did that then he would kill him.

thing is, he didn't and i'm assuming wouldn't, so dh was def overreacting

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 30/12/2009 00:23

have i entered a parralell mumsnet where it is ok to pretend to knee a toddler in the face?? I cannot believe the people think the DH was over reacting

unless i have missed something and the BIL is 5, then i would have needed restraining if it were my child and i seriously would never allow him near my children again - why would you do that? FFS??

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 30/12/2009 00:26

has no one ever heard that phrase - "if i tell you that, im going to have to kill you" its a spoof spy thing isnt it?? i always thought so - the DH was making a play on that i think, to get his point across in a jokey way - personally i think he did well not to lamp him one.

famishedass · 30/12/2009 00:26

Do you think you and your dh are just looking for an excuse not to like your sisters new partner?

Why do you think you will get a nasty e-mail from your sister tomorrow as opposed to your dh? You didn't do anything wrong, did you?

GoddessRidingSantasSleigh · 30/12/2009 00:26

so how would you suggest playfighting ijustwant tickling each other with kittens? he maybe overstepped the mark, but not intentionally, my dp and dd do fake karate moves on each other, its only pretend

scottishmummy · 30/12/2009 00:28

deep breath,pretend isn't real.threatening to kill is wildly over reacting.obviously it wasnt real and op said bil "just pretended" so parents knew it wasnt real too.

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 30/12/2009 00:32

scottish mummy, you hit the nail on the head there - the guy was pretending to knee the toddler in the face, the parents knew he was pretending, the dh said, "if you do that then i will have to kill you" so if this was "pretend" then by definition, the threat to kill was pretend too!

Just weird - and play fighting is NOT kneeing in the face. playfighting with a toddler, is rolling about, tickling and such like - i am honestly stunned that people have jumped on the OP. Next thing people will be telling her to leave her violent DH!

confuddledDOTcom · 30/12/2009 00:32

ijustwanttoaskaquestion, I was thinking the same thing. The only spin I've seen is from responders.

I'm sure I would tell someone I'd have to hurt them if they did something for real after seeing them pretend to do it to my child. Especially if I felt that the person's boundaries weren't clear enough.

BTW, I don't know where I stand on "mate" I can see that it could be a difficult thing but OTOH at my eldest's nursery the lady who looks after the babies likes to go into pre-school sometimes to talk to the older children and calls them all "mate" which they think is brilliant. I've seen her with my eldest and she's good with the children.

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