Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

DC4 after a 12 year gap and people keep saying...

61 replies

duchesse · 29/12/2009 01:00

..."Ooh, you'll have to have another one to keep her company!". All I can think is "No, no I don't have to have another." I think she'll be fine as an "only" child.

Older siblings are 12, 14 and 16 years older.

Any comments? How do only children of elderly parents fare in the main? Will she be horribly lonely when the older ones have all left home (probably by the time she's 7)?

OP posts:

Vallhala · 29/12/2009 01:06

My half brother is 15, my step-mothers other 2 are 32 and 33 and I'm in my 40s. Ergo, half brother is effectively an only child to a woman who is now 55 and a man of 68. He gets loads of attention from parents who have more time and experience and certainly doesn't suffer as a result.

Besides, whats your choice got to do with anyone else? Ignore the rude beggars and congratulations too!

SparklyGothKat · 29/12/2009 01:20

I have a 6 year gap, Ds2 is 2, the older ones are 8,9 and 12 (not as big as your gap) but still people say I 'need to have another for Ds2' I don't and won't. He gets all my attention when the older kids are at school and then get attention from them when they get home.

echt · 29/12/2009 03:40

Duchesse - how old is elderly?

Broccopolli · 29/12/2009 04:10

DH has two younger brothers. There is a 9 yr gap between the two youngest (15 yrs between dh and youngest). Don't think youngest has ever been left out. DH didn't move out of home until 27, the two youngest still live at home aged 24 and 33!

They're a very close family and have always spent a lot of time together despite age gaps.

vvvodka · 29/12/2009 06:20

will she have cousins around?

she may even have neice and nephewsa round to play with. she can be their 'older sister'

SgtAngua · 29/12/2009 07:26

I am in the same position as you with DS3 12 years younger than DS2 & 15 years younger than DS1 .

People have been making the same "you'll have to have another one" comments, but at 42 I laugh right in their faces & tell them it's never going to happen!

DS3 is only 9 weeks old but is currently benefiting from doting brothers as well as parents so things are looking good.

violethill · 29/12/2009 08:02

I don't think people are saying it as a serious thing - ie genuinely thinking that it's your duty to provide another one!!

IME people in these circumstances often aren't quite sure what to say - same if someone very young is expecting a baby, or someone suddenly announced twins. People feel they ought to give some sort of reaction and don't feel comfortable saying 'Oh my god!! How will you cope!!' which may be what they're actually thinking!

NoahAndTheWhale · 29/12/2009 08:41

DH abd his brother were 15 and 12 when their sister was born. PIL were 43 and 44 when she was born. She is now 18 and is a very well adjusted "only child". DH left home at 23 and BIL at a similar age although both at university from 19.

PIL are 62 and 63 now and still seem to have more energy than DH and me .

MumNWLondon · 29/12/2009 08:44

Even when they leave home they will be back lots to vist and make a big fuss of her, and maybe she'll have some lovely nieces and nephews that she can enjoy too. Its not like being an only child.

piscesmoon · 29/12/2009 08:50

As MumNWLondon says-she isn't an only DC-she has 3 siblings and they will be back -probably with families. You don't stop being parents when they reach 18yrs.

HeffaMerryChristmas · 29/12/2009 08:51

My siblings are 10 and 12 years older than me. We're all pretty close and the age gap has mattered a lot less as we've all got older. I did want a little brother/sister for a while but I knew it wasn't going to happen and I was never really lonely. I had a lot of attention from my parents and my siblings so that was pretty good. When everyone else left home when I was about 8, it was a bit weird but then I got to have my parents to myself for a bit so that was nice. I used to go and stay with my sister a lot at Uni which was fab.

My parents have always said I've kept them young as well

TheOldestCat · 29/12/2009 08:52

DH's brother is 13 years older than him and his sister was 12 years older - when people say 'oh it must have been like being an only child' he says 'yes, completely the same - apart from having siblings'. He has a great relationship with his brother (and did with his late sister).

Ignore people's comments.

And congrats on DC4!

ilovesprouts · 29/12/2009 08:53

my 3 dcs are 19 [boy][girl 17][boy]3

ssd · 29/12/2009 08:55

op, I'm a lot younger than my siblings and my mum is in her eighties living alone

TBH my siblings live far away and I've been left with all the responsibility and worry for mum

its hard going, but maybe your kids will live closer to their siblings and support each other more.

overmydeadbody · 29/12/2009 09:06

I have a brother 12 yrs younger than me. He's not lonely, he just has a different childhood as more of an only child than me and my other siblings did.

Ignore everyone else. There are loads of benefits to having grown up siblings that balance out the fact of having older parents.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh · 29/12/2009 09:07

My sister was 13 when I was born. She left to go to uni in another town when I was 5. I was the annoying little sister, so she could not really be bothered with me much. (Not your usual maternal girl, my sis) I got used to only seeing her for Christmas and summer holidays. Well, saying that she usually worked somewhere in summer, so I saw her very rarely. She moved back to the parental home when I was 16, looking for work in our home town. It was a disaster. We were fighting and arguing daily, although I was a pretty good and calm teenager, she brought out the worst in me. I moved out 2 years later, and we slowly started developing a relationship when I was in my twenties.

You can never predict how the relationship between your children will be, regardless of age gaps, so you shouldnt worry.

I should also add that it seems to be the norm on my street to have large age gaps.

Family one: dd1 23, dd2 8, ds 4 (now father has sown his oats in younger fields and moved out, though)

Family two: dd1 23, ds1 19 and ds2 7

Family three: dd 24, ds 8 (but these children do not have the same father)

All these have been happy babysitters to their younger siblings, and still are. Only the daughter in family 3 has a live in boyfriend, who is the hero of younger brother, and this young man is very much present not just in this boys life, but in the life of all the boys in the street.

bellissima · 29/12/2009 09:09

Friend of mine has 'two pairs of two' with quite a gap in between - "like the Queen", but quite by accident. Your DC will have all the advantages and attention of being an only child but also have siblings, and as they all get older it won't matter so much.

JingleAllTheWay · 29/12/2009 10:17

Friend will have a 19, and 16 year old when she has her baby next year. She will be 46. It will be so strange starting again. She is worried that people will think it is a second marriage and her older two have a different dad.

GhoulsAreLoud · 29/12/2009 10:19

My cousin of 27 has siblings of 50, 49 and 47

She loves all of her neices and nephews and her siblings were very much there when she was growing up, just older.

I don't think she would change anything about her upbringing.

FanjolinaJolie · 29/12/2009 10:59

My cousin has 'two sets of two' as well. She felt sorry for No3 so had No4 to be a friend!

CremeDeMenthe · 29/12/2009 11:04

I know a family with two 'sets' - the youngest of the first set was 10 when the new baby arrived. He then asked for a baby brother so the parents duly obliged. They are now lovely young men and best friends, having grown up together.

shockers · 29/12/2009 11:11

If you keep an open house to friends then she will grow up well adjusted, able to share and take others feelings into consideration and she won't be lonely.
We have friends who have a 9 yr old DS and much older children ( married ) they expect him to do 'grown up stuff' with them which is nice to a point but he's like a happy little puppy in the company of other kids.

Divster · 29/12/2009 11:15

I have done just this, but have gone on to have 3 after the big gap when older. I didnt want an "only child" but also knew I wanted more children anyway.

oldandknackered · 29/12/2009 11:15

Ignore the rude comments.

My two-and-a-half year old DS2 is 16 years younger than his brother - and his sisters are 23 years and 21 years old!

And, no, there will be no more siblings to keep him company - well, not from me anyway

Instead, DD1 has presented my DS2 with a nephew, now six months old, and DD2 is expecting a baby boy around my DS2's third birthday... so he'll have playmates.

The best of both worlds really - older siblings to fuss over him, and nephews to play with grow up with.

snorkie · 29/12/2009 11:18

my brothers left home before I was 10 & I missed them dreadfully (& didn't get to see them much for various reasons either). I spent my teenage years wishing my mum had had another, but teenagers are almost bound to think their parents are wrong for some reason or another (or all of them), and realistically it had lots of advantages being the afterthought, especially when very little.

Flip

1 2 3