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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC4 after a 12 year gap and people keep saying...

61 replies

duchesse · 29/12/2009 01:00

..."Ooh, you'll have to have another one to keep her company!". All I can think is "No, no I don't have to have another." I think she'll be fine as an "only" child.

Older siblings are 12, 14 and 16 years older.

Any comments? How do only children of elderly parents fare in the main? Will she be horribly lonely when the older ones have all left home (probably by the time she's 7)?

OP posts:
TinselianAstra · 29/12/2009 11:19

Are you being unreasonable what? I don't know if to say YABU or YANBU.

They're probably just stuck for something to say. People say all sorts of stupid shit when you tell them you're pregnant.

Ewe · 29/12/2009 11:25

My lil bro is almost 13 yrs younger than me, it is lovely as he gets to play at being big brother to my DD (21months) but doesn't get the down sides.

We are a really close family and always in and out of each others houses so I know he doesn't feel like an only child. We still bicker and fight even and me and my sister certainly feel like we have a pesky little brother!

Wineonafridaynight · 29/12/2009 11:26

Well my DB was 15 when I was born and DS was 13. It didn't feel weird at all as it was totally what I was used to. I don't feel I have lost out in anyway at all.

Some parents have children close together in age - maybe because they are close together they miss out because their parents can't give the individual attention to each child

I don't agree with that at all, hence the sceptical face but what I'm trying to say is families come in all shapes and sizes.

There will be many benefits to your child having older siblings as well- I used to get much bigger presents from my siblings than my friends did because they were working where as my friends siblings weren't. It was also nice having older siblings who were doing all sorts of cool things because they were grown up but not parent like! Another added bonus is that you will no doubt have more time and money to devote to the new child as you will not be as responsible for the older siblings for so long.

Congratulations by the way!

RealityIsRoastingChestnuts · 29/12/2009 11:28

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KristinaM · 29/12/2009 11:30

YANBU to be annoyed, but you should just smile and say

" yes we are so happy" or " isnt it wonderful"

if she is lonely when she is older you will take her to clubs/activities and have friends over, it will be fine

try not to worry. its those pesky hormones, you know this after 3 pgs!!!

violethill · 29/12/2009 11:36

Agree with snorkie - most children will at some point blame their parents for being an only child/having siblings/anything and everything!!

I also agree with Tinselian - people usually just say something daft because they don't really know what to say! Probably a lot of people in this situation wonder if it's an accident (but obviously won't say that as it would be very offensive) or they may be thinking 'Gosh how brave to start all over again' or all manner of things.

I don't think people's reactions are a big deal tbh.

As others have said, there are no guarantees how well your children will get on whatever the age gap. The key difference I think is that as parents it's easier to organise things around children of a similar age, and you get the freedom to move on to the next phase in your life earlier. But as for how well siblings will get on - to a large extent that's not in the parents' control.

Morloth · 29/12/2009 11:48

I don't know about elderly but we have deliberately left a "big" age gap (6 years) between our two because we wanted two "onlies" (well and the fact that I just had no interest in any more babies/children until about a year ago.

My younger brother is 27 and my eldest sister is 49, we are all spread over quite large age gaps.

All quite close and get on very well.

piscesmoon · 29/12/2009 11:52

'But as for how well siblings will get on - to a large extent that's not in the parents' control.'

Exactly. I know identical twins who loathe each other.

thesecondcoming · 29/12/2009 11:53

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Northernlebkuchen · 29/12/2009 12:01

Duchesse - people have said that to us and there's only 6 years between dd2 and dd3! I'm not having more either. She goes to nursery full time so right now gets lots of times with children of contemporary age and my 'big' girls play fantastically with her. I expect as they grow they will have times of closeness and times that are not so close - like any siblings. Dh's brother and sister have now started producing babies so that's nice for dd3 as it gives her little playmates for family gatherings as well.

I don't think your dd will be lonely at all - she's lucky to be so much at the centre of a loving family. You all waited a long time for her - just enjoy it and don't let daft statements from people who know NOTHING spoil it.

MaggieMnaSneachta · 29/12/2009 12:05

I think your dc4 would have the parenting of parents who were on their fourth child.

it's that pfb style of parenting that can sometimes make a child seem like a typical only child...

curiositykilledhaskittens · 29/12/2009 12:09

Jeez duchesse - you're only 41?! That is hardly elderly and won't be elderly as she grows up! She'll be fine. Everyone makes comments about you family choices whatever they are - you get 'what a big age gap, you'll have to have another', I get 'oh, you've got your hands full, suppose that's it now hey?', my aunt and uncle who struggled to conceive and ended up with only one child got 'Oh, an only child how sad, are you not going to have another' people say stupid things without thinking or knowing your worries. Mist of the time they are just making conversation and not trying to be cruel. Don't let it play on your insecurities.

KristinaM · 29/12/2009 12:14

LOL at 41 being elderly!!!

i had babies at 42 and 43 and i am a slip of a girl and defo NOT the oldest parent at the school gate

larry5 · 29/12/2009 13:12

My two sons were 18 and 15 respectively when dd was born. She is now 17 and has had the advantage of having four adults who are absolutely devoted to her.

I was 40 and dh was 45 when she was born so it has been good for her to have a brother who will happily take her to see films I don't want to and also to go on scary rides at theme parks.

We decided not to have number 4 as the two boys are close in age and always fought and it has been so peaceful - we just get the falling out with friends that seems to go with girls.

piscesmoon · 29/12/2009 13:57

I missed the fact that 41 was elderly!!
She won't be alone then, as lots of DCs have 'elderly' parents.

violethill · 29/12/2009 14:23

I've just cottoned onto the 'elderly' thing - 41 is nothing at all!! Many women these days are only starting on their families around that age or a little younger, not finishing them!

Isawlissiekissingsantaclaus · 29/12/2009 14:29

sweetheart, bug will be very happy as an "!only" child. she will get the best of both worlds, siblings who will love her to bits and play with but as she gets older she will have her own space and the independance that comes with being an only. she is a lucky girl!!

oh, and 41 is not old at all x

BetsyBoop · 29/12/2009 14:36

I have one older brother who is 12 years older than me (I was much wanted, I just took a long time to arrive ) My DP were 42 when I was born.

I always say that in a lot of ways I was a bit like an only child as my brother was almost grown up by the time I was old enough to remember playing with him etc. and went off to university when I was 7.

I was lucky to have a lot of cousins (well mostly second cousins actually as my Dad was second youngest so I was the youngest grandchild on his side) around so I didn't miss out completely on "family kids" to play with.

I had DD at 39 & DS at 41 - so you can see from that I wanted DD to have a close sibling!

The only thing I will say about being an older parent is that your kids have to face losing parent(s) at a much younger age and possibly won't have grandparents around when they are growing up. It's just an observation, not a criticism. I lost Mum when I was just 30 & Dad at 37 & it is a point of sadness to me that my kids will never know them, especially when some of their friends still have great grand parents knocking around.

Original poster
duchesse · 29/12/2009 15:37

Thanks all. You've no idea how much you've cheered me up. It must be hormones + cold. My hair's falling out in handfuls as well. Just what the bug needs, a bald old mother.

OP posts:
supersalstrawberry · 29/12/2009 15:49

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Original poster
duchesse · 29/12/2009 15:57

And 41 isn't old, but I'll be 52 by the time she's in secondary school. I don't want to be mistaken for her grandmother!

OP posts:
Secondaryglazedover · 29/12/2009 16:05

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CardyMow · 29/12/2009 21:33

There is a gap of 10 years between me and my little brother. And only 7 years between him and my DD...I moved out when he was 5, and we didn't have a 'proper' brother sister relationship till earlier this year when he turned 18. Now he's away at uni, it's me he msn's every night as my mum doesn't 'get' msn, and it's me he turns to when he's spent his rent money on food . As he was growing up, he basically looked at my DD as his little sister, as she is closer in age to him than I am! AND 41 isn't old to be having a baby, lots of my friends at the school had their first child between 38-43. I'm 28 right now, and TTC with my 'new' DP...He is DS2 (6yo)'s dad, but we split up for a few years (while he grew up lol). If I conceive this month, there will be almost 7 years between DS2 and DC4. DD would be 12.5 and DS1 would be 8.5. I don't think it matters.

fernie3 · 29/12/2009 21:39

my husband is 26 his brothers are between 42 and 46 he is the youngest of 5. His dad would be well into his 90s if he were alive today!.

He had a fantastic childhood with so many people to take him places, spoil him rotten and just be there for him.

I doubt people are being serious. I am pregnant with my 4th and my oldest is only 5 most people I tell say something like " wow you will be busy " or "how will you cope?" I think people are just trying to make conversation rather than being annoying on purpose.

feetheart · 29/12/2009 21:45

I am the oldest of 4 with a 13 yr age gap between the first 3 and the last one. My 'baby' sister and I are the closest of any of us inspite of a 15 yr age gap.
We did all leave home when she was young but, as others have said, we kept coming back so she had the best of both worlds - time with parents and time with more feckless, fun siblings

Ignore the loons and enjoy your brood!