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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have cancelled Christmas?

111 replies

GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh · 22/12/2009 22:16

Christmas is for the kids right? It is something we do to make it magical, to give our children happy memories, of family, presents, good food, nice atmosphere, isnt it?

Well, I have cancelled it. Tomorrow I will take the kids presents back to the shop. I have thrown the Christmas tree out into the garden, and I am not going to clean, or make anything nice. We are not going to eat what I have baked, and forget cooking.

My kids dont deserve it. They are little horrors, and maybe, as I have threatened if they continue their apalling behaviour, their spitting and their hair pulling, their fighting and their winding up, there will be no presents.

Well guess what, there wont be. Christmas is off, as I am going to follow through with my threat.

I have been "Nice Mummy" for too long.
Now, watch me go into "bad mummy mode".

It.Is.War.

OP posts:
StayingSantasGirl · 23/12/2009 00:05

Quint, you poor love - you sound as if you are at the end of your tether - and I know how that feels, because ds3 has me at the end of mine.

Could your gp refer you to someone like an Educational Psychologist, who could help you talk through the children's behaviour and find some new strategies?

I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you.

PoppityMerryGentlemen · 23/12/2009 00:20

So, it's not just mine, boys ARE like dogs! I have often wished that exact same thing.

Hope you manage to have a better day tomorrow.

jabberwocky · 23/12/2009 02:36

So did you have the large G&T? Seriously, I have two boys, aged 6 and 3 and they can drive me to distraction! Luckily, it;s either me or dh not both at the same time so one of us is able to maintain a civil household.

Tomorrow is another day...as said by Scarlet O'Hara

Allets · 23/12/2009 02:53

There have been times when I have felt like you do. Honestly there have been.

However,

You are the adult. If your children are acting up, there IS a reason. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but on this occasion, suck it up. Get the Christmas music out, start cooking, decorate that tree and make the most of every minute for your children.

Can you imagine if something happened to one of your children this year, if they got ill or worse. How would you be feeling this time next year. I'll bet you'd be feeling a HUGE amount of regret.

Kids will be kids. Don't whatever you do, take their christmas away from them. The will NEVER forget and you will feel like shite for a long time to come.

Even if you want to run away or worse (I sympathise because I've been there), be the adult and do the right thing.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 23/12/2009 03:37

Oh dear, what a nightmare day. I personally wouldn't apologize but recap what of was about their behavior that was unacceptabe, say you are starting the day anew and give them things to do that are reallistically easy to achieve throughout the day, combined with a good dose of physical exercise.

Fingers crossed that tomorrow is a better day for you.

phoebeophelia · 23/12/2009 05:56

How about postponing, rather than cancelling?

They get their presents the morning after the day when they behaved perfectly.

My bet is it would be the very next day.

Avendesora · 23/12/2009 09:01

I did somethng similar but gave the option of earning christmas back bit by bit with good behaviour.

Would that work?

RubberDuck · 23/12/2009 09:12

Quint, from my memory of other threads you have had a really difficult and stressful year. Please cut yourself some slack.

I'm not sure you do need parentcraft classes, you need a break. IME, when there's stressful stuff going on elsewhere in the family, that's when my kids REALLY start playing up - it's not so much a discipline thing as them picking up on the atmosphere.

I know 'me time' is a much abused concept on here, but can you sit down and find some space you can regularly carve out for yourself in the New Year just to give yourself some breathing room? I think it would be time better spent than the parenting course, tbh.

ADingDongDandyChristmasLioness · 23/12/2009 10:00

Quint, glad you're feeling a bit better and are prepared to have Christmas after all.
Make sure you get as much rest as possible, and sit down with your DH and have a big chat about what both of you will do to help your boys modify their behaviour.

But you have made the right decision not to cancel Christmas. It wouldn't have an immediate effect on their behaviour because if you cancel that then there is nothing left for them to work towards, so why change? There is their birthdays, but even that doesn't tend to be as exciting as Christmas.

Mongolia - at your comments re the OP's DS2 saying he won't give her presents. He is not a little madam (or rather, sir), but a four year old. That's what four year olds do, they say things like that. Because they are four. Friends of the OP's, neighbours, people at the school gate are all going to ask the OP and her boys how their Christmas was. If the OP had cancelled it, she or her boys would have to tell the people this and the OP would have to process the look in their eyes when they realise she cancelled a four year old's Christmas.

Original poster
GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh · 23/12/2009 10:39

I have had A Talk with them both, separately.
They have both admitted they were bad, and they have both said sorry.

DS1 has helped me tidy and vacuum. DS2 had a lie in as he fell asleep rather late.
I said to him "do you remember mummy was so mad she said we would not celebrate Christmas this year" Silent nod. Further; "how do you feel about that?" he said "bad. I would have to go and be with one of our neighbours" (bless) So I said "lets work really hard together today so we can tidy up and decorate, but I need your help. Will you help" Silent nod.

I am just going to mop the floor, bring the tree up, let the branches settle, and we will be ready to decorate!

You are rigth, not let Christmas be the battleground. Keep the magic alive and deal wth the behaviour issues after.

OP posts:
fanjolina · 23/12/2009 10:50

Am so pleased you have found a happy resolution QS

ADingDongDandyChristmasLioness · 23/12/2009 10:58

Sounds like you handled it well, OP.

Hope you all have a lovely Christmas

carriedababi · 23/12/2009 11:40

well done quint, well handled.

i hope you have a great time.

CardyMow · 23/12/2009 11:45

As an aside, for dealing with their behaviour after christmas, and on an everyday basis, could you try the 'traffic light' system? you have a red light, an amber light, a green light and a gold star on the wall. Each child starts the day on green, if they behave badly, they get a warning, then if they continue, they go down to amber. If they still continue to misbehave they go down to red, and they lose a 'point' from their box. If they behave exceptionally well, they go up to the gold star and gain a 'point' for their box. When they gain 10 'points', they get £2 to spend. I stole this idea from their school (the school gives little 'prizes' for 10 points), and it even works with the reception age kids, some of whom are only 4.4 right now. ALL my kids understand, and it really does modify their behaviour. Even with SN kids, as it's such a visual method. Good Luck, and I hope your Christmas starts going better. And as an aside, I do believe that the 7yo should understand about their ill grandad, my 7yoDS understands about my epilepsy, and can put me in the recovery position and call an ambulance, so your expectations of the older child's behaviour are NOT unreasonable, but they possibly ARE unreasonable for a 4yo.

TulipsAndTinsel · 23/12/2009 11:57

oh god, i just spilled tea on the keyboard in shock!

YABtotallyU. they're far too young and their behaviour was no where near bad enough to warrant such a huge punishment.

tbh alot of the problems were as much your fault as theirs.

mine have been maggots too all week, when it gets too much they get kicked out into the snow to cool off for a while and they're much calmer when they come in. ds1 is paticularily manic but firm talkings too and immediate consequences sort it quickly enough.

a huge punishment 3 days after the fact is something the 4 year old definitely won't understand and i doubt the 7 year old will make the link all that much better tbh.

i'm glad you've given them the chance to help you sort out a nice christmas and i bet you'll have a lovely time, merry christmas

Lotster · 23/12/2009 12:38

Well done GQ!

pranma · 23/12/2009 12:39

Please dont do this-anything else as punishment but not Christmas.The echoes will roll on down the years and they will never forget or totally forgive.They are naughty little boys but some times they are good and they will one day be big boys and have their own children.Maybe you could wait till late on Christmas Eve then when they are asleep bring everything in,decorate the tree,fill the stockings and let them wake up to Christmas-please.

StayingSantasGirl · 23/12/2009 12:40

I think it is a bit unfair to be so hard on the OP - she is only human and has been coping with an awful lot, and it sounds as if their behaviour yesterday was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I don't think it does children any harm to realise that mums are human too, and can be pushed too far and really upset. My children have learned this - I'm no saint - and I think what matters is how you handle it on the odd occasions when it does happen (I'm not saying it should happen all the time).

Quint has handled this very well indeed, imo, and deserves credit for that.

pranma · 23/12/2009 12:41

Just read the end,what a lovely Mum you are and you found the perfect solution.Happy Christmas to all of you.

itwascertainlyasurprise · 23/12/2009 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 23/12/2009 13:00

Quint - my 8 year old is a pain in the arse or absolutely lovely. He says he doesn't want Christmas so doesn't seem bothered if I saw Father Christmas might not come.

It is bloody hard work when they will not do as they are told. He is in wet jeans because he won't change them. I am picking my battles and sending him to the inlaws soon so he can be wet there.

ChilloHippi · 23/12/2009 13:01

I think you are handling it very well, Quint. When they misbehave again, you can remind them of this, and they know you mean business now.

Hi itwascertainly!

blithedance · 23/12/2009 13:15

Just read this to the end too. poor you!

Is your DH helping here (was not sure whether you were on your own or not as he didn't get much of a mention)

He should be backing you up 110% and putting the fear of God into those boys if they ever cheek their mother.

My DC's need firm boundaries and I often slip from maintaining them with predictable results, but DH has a much steely resolve which helps me keep my standards up. We don't smack or anything like that but he has no scruples about confiscating/binning treasured toys etc. He is great at thinking of consequences too.

Don't let the ***'s grind you down

doubleexpresso · 23/12/2009 13:27

GQ you've done the right thing. I think you're really brave to come on here and tell us all and you;ve given me hope because my 2 are being little s**ds! I remember my Dad blowing his top one Christmas and it really ruined the day. I bet 95% of us are all coping with brattish behaviour at the moment. I have warned mine that I'm on the edge... Well done. Merry Christmas

CirrhosisByTheSea · 23/12/2009 14:15

I'm so glad you've calmed down and things are better re christmas

I did want to say that it is very clear that, although most of the behaviour prob is your childrens, SOME of it clearly stands out as you having unrealistic expectations/you being able to deal with things differently

The party where they misbehaved - well they are still very young and over excited, and needed more supervision

also, that environment was not suitable for you and other adults to talk about 'grown up stuff' and want the kids to go off

also, going into their grandparents, you were clearly asking too much for them to simply stay together downstairs; you could have said "we need to be really quiet, lets see who can be the quietest" etc

I do think that some of your problems could be alleviated through you changing your expectations of them.

Not criticising you for getting to the end of your tether, and not saying that your kids are not naughty. But imo this sort of time is the best time to look at your expectations and your methods, as well as at your kids. You can't do it unsupported either. I hope you have good support around you. And I hope you all have a lovely christmas