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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have cancelled Christmas?

111 replies

GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh · 22/12/2009 22:16

Christmas is for the kids right? It is something we do to make it magical, to give our children happy memories, of family, presents, good food, nice atmosphere, isnt it?

Well, I have cancelled it. Tomorrow I will take the kids presents back to the shop. I have thrown the Christmas tree out into the garden, and I am not going to clean, or make anything nice. We are not going to eat what I have baked, and forget cooking.

My kids dont deserve it. They are little horrors, and maybe, as I have threatened if they continue their apalling behaviour, their spitting and their hair pulling, their fighting and their winding up, there will be no presents.

Well guess what, there wont be. Christmas is off, as I am going to follow through with my threat.

I have been "Nice Mummy" for too long.
Now, watch me go into "bad mummy mode".

It.Is.War.

OP posts:
Theochris · 22/12/2009 23:10

Some great ideas hatwoman, I'm gonna nick a couple for the next few days. Off to find a pen for a Christmas star chart.

2rebecca · 22/12/2009 23:12

I'd have just smacked them and taken them home. Lots of people moan about smacking but I think a quick smack is better than having a major emotional tantrum and throwing the Christmas tree out. Sounds like you are rubbish at discipline and should have taken them home when they started misbehaving.
I actually rarely smacked my kids, but under the age of 8 or 9 they knew that if they repeatedly misbehaved and their dad or I said if they didn't stop it they'd get a smack we meant it.

RumourOfAHurricane · 22/12/2009 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Ladymuck · 22/12/2009 23:19

The problem is that cancelling Christmas is a big dramatic gesture, but may not solve your issues at all. What will you do if this happens next week? What do you normally do when they behave badly? If they've been like it for a month what did you do 2 weeks ago? Perhaps we can help with why what you have been doing hasn't been working.

loubielou31 · 22/12/2009 23:21

I hope that after a good nights sleep things are better.

My Dad has a story about an ex pupil of his who had obviously been particularly obnoxious because one Christmas morning Father Christmas didn't bring him any presents only sticks and coal. I believe that Father Christmas did make a special visit around lunch time once the boy was very sorry and had realised that perhaps he hadn't been a good boy.

I'm not sure I would have the stomach to go through with it but it had made an impression on both the boy and his friends because My dad is a secondary teacher and this story was still being told when the child was in year 10 (14 or 15 yo)

misdee · 22/12/2009 23:21

my kids today got 'naughty list' notifications due to their behaviour.

lowenergylightbulb · 22/12/2009 23:22

You sound frazzled TBH and like you are not thinking straight.

I don't know what else is going on for you but your kids behaviour doesn't sound 'that' awful.

Read them the riot act by all means - but canceling xmas is a step too far and will colour their memories for years.

I'm not saying that you are like this, but my mother was a bit histrionic when I was a kid and ruined xmas with her tantrums and stuff.

Please don't spoil this for your kids.

RomillyJane · 22/12/2009 23:29

yabu.

not ok.

Think you need someone else to take the strain for a day or two? Is that a possibility?

fwiw I take prozac, and don't do this anymore because I can cope now

good luck x

RedLeaves · 22/12/2009 23:29

I agree with a lot of what people have said but what I think has been missed is, Quint, if your parents were in bed, does that not mean it was quite late? We all know what hideous behaviour arises if the dcs are tired. I'm the same. I wish you much luck and a rest.

MarineIguana · 22/12/2009 23:30

Quint, I know you're at your wits' end but this won't help. I think they'll just sense that you've lost it completely, and you'll all have a crap time.

My 4yo boy has been really difficult recently and I think it's because he's excited, exhausted and also disorientated by all the changes to normal routine. Not listening to a word we say and being mouthy and rude, so that we have to constantly remind him and not give him what he wants until he apologises and is polite. He's a sweetie normally and still can be if he's occupied, eg I let him help me cook or DP takes him for a walk in the snow, and he gets some focus and activity.

On top of Christmas you've got your family problems and living abroad and you must be stressed out of your head. Your DSs will sense this and it will give them a sense of instability that makes them provoke you (though that doesn't make it your fault).

You need to go easy on yourself and aim to help yourself and them calm down. Doing this would have the opposite effect.

Lotster · 22/12/2009 23:31

My son has been so challenging this past fortnight too. Feels like I can't get through to him sometimes and I've been cross or tearful so many times this week, bloody Christmas!!

I wonder if we notice their behaviour more at this time because we want them to deserve their presents IYKWIM? Plus they know more is expected of them which is hard to keep up.

Anyway, been tempted to say it's cancelled to him at times too, but I would never do it.

Shock treatment can work sometimes, but first I would try sitting them down at a time when things are calm anyway, and explaining why the behaviour at your cousin's house was rude and embarrassing, and at your parents, why waking your dad would be so unkind.
Ask them if they understand, and care, but gently so they don't just say no to be cheeky, and maybe add how proud they make you when they're good. If you can't get empathy when they're not in defence mode or on the backfoot as when in an arguement, then resort to the threats! But you deserve a nice Christmas too, so might be worth a try??

nothingofthesort · 22/12/2009 23:40

Looks like you're really stressed OP. Tomorrow you might feel quite differently to today. YANBU for feeling like this after such a stressful day.

fanjolina · 22/12/2009 23:40

Please let them earn it back. It will scar them for life if you cancel it, as other posters' stories bear witness to.

nothingofthesort · 22/12/2009 23:42

Will it really scar them for life? we don't celebrate Christmas but have on occasion been very low key at our own festivals and not done much. The children seem fine with it.

MarineIguana · 22/12/2009 23:43

You don't even have to do the earning back thing. You can say you were very upset yesterday and lost it big time and will they help you get everything ready, of course Christmas is not going anywhere. It's OK to climb down from a mistake and be kind and reassuring. That approach may actually help them see you as a real person and not just someone to wind up.

fanjolina · 22/12/2009 23:44

If it is a big occasion and a dramatic cancelling of expectation then yes, certainly at the age of 7/8 it will have a major effect. Just asked DH (psychologist) to confirm and he is nodding away.

There is a difference between being low key and cancelling EVERYTHING.

ADingDongDandyChristmasLioness · 22/12/2009 23:47

good point, Marine. Think your suggestion is much better than getting them to earn Christmas back. But doesn't mean they can't work on their behaviour with reward charts.

InMyLittleHead · 22/12/2009 23:48

YANBU.

Their behaviour sounds appalling, tbh. Not just the usual 'overexcited' stuff. Spitting is vile, and repeatedly disobeying instructions is not on either. If cancelling Christmas is something you've repeatedly threatened then I think you can do it. Don't fgs apologise!

Am a bit at all this 'it will traumatise them' stuff. It seems to be used as an excuse by parents to never discipline their children.

Melody4 · 22/12/2009 23:49

I haven't read all of this except the first page but please, please, please let me reassure you this is NORMAL children behaviour. Take your children to the nearest soft play area tomorrow and have a strong coffee. Honestly, to me what they have done does not sound bad (have I missed something?) and I am a primary school teacher too. Have a think. I am sure that all is fine. My 4 are crazy at the moment but a few dvds, old forgotten toys, chuck them out in the back garden for 15 minutes and give them lots of nibbles when they're in the warm and they'll be fine. xx

VicarInaTinselTuTu · 22/12/2009 23:50

agree with fanjolina. its not just cancelling christmas - its a cancelling of expectation and thats just wrong.

have a strop quint....go and have a good old strop at something else, not sure whats going on and i get the feeling something underlying is happening, but this really isnt gonna be the answer - will create more problems than it solves.

MarineIguana · 22/12/2009 23:51

Yes totally, you need calm, consistent consequences for bad behaviour that you carry out with minimum fuss and drama. Reward charts, pasta jar, simply packing up and removing them from a situation if they won't behave etc. But as ladymuck said, Christmas shouldn't really be part of all this as it's not a constant in their lives anyway.

VicarInaTinselTuTu · 22/12/2009 23:53

inmylittlehead....you couldnt be more wrong.

i have 2 well balanced and very well behaved "kids" of 18 and 12. i can assure you they were disciplined but i didnt have to resort to cruelty.

there is obviously something deeper going on here and id be careful of being flippant.

Original poster
GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh · 22/12/2009 23:55

Thanks guys. I have been watching "surviving christmas" with ben afflec, and had three glasses of red wine. It helped. And your posts have helped too.

I can and will climb down from this.

I will tell them I am sorry for the shouting in the morning, and explain that their behaviour really got to me. I will ask them to help me hoover, so we can get the tree up and decorated.

Then we need to go to my parents place and decorate their tree after....

I am feeling very sad though.
I used to be able to handle them, but their behaviour has really deteriorated this year.

I guess I need parentcraft classes. I have lost control over my dc. They get so much positive attention, but they seem to be unable to share me or my attention with anybody. It is a constant struggle when we are out, and it is a constant struggle when we are in, as they are so full of energy they just CANT relax at home for even a few hours.

All I want for christmas is 2 boys who can spend just ONE day without fighting and bickering and spitting and hitting and kicking and punching and biting.....

OP posts:
Lotkinsgonecurly · 22/12/2009 23:56

OK, have a large drink tonight if still awake. Get the tree from the end of the garden and make sure it is somewhere acessible and give them the reponsibility of decorating it tomorrow. (And clearing up afterwards)

Then, throw them into the garden and make them run off lots of steam. Read them the riot act and as said lots of jobs = chance to get some presents.

Long walk in the afternoon, then get them to do some tidying.

Call santa in the morning and speak to him / one of his elves advise them of the problems that occurred yesterday (this works a treat for my 5 and 2 year old) and mention that if they don't behave then he's not to come.

Get them to look at northpole.com to see santa at work.

Best of luck.

Mongolia · 22/12/2009 23:59

Let them earn it back, and DON'T apologise, they know well they were bang out of order and they don't care, what is that of DS2 saying he won't give you any presents??? is the little madam offended at what he has brought on himself? no way to talk to a parent when he is in deep trouble.

Though lesson, whether they are too young or not is debatable, but one thing that is not debatable is that the longer you leave this behaviour to carry on, the more difficult it would be to correct it.

I remember one post here years and years ago, saying that a woman and her siblings starting damaging the gifts that father christmas had just got for them, so... her dad put all the toys in a bag, told them that if they couldn't take good care of them they didn't deserve them, and donated them to a charity. I remember her saying that they learned the lesson and that that behaviour was never repeated. From that and other posts, I can say she was always proud of her father. It is about setting boundaries. Children behave better when they have a clear idea of who calls the shots at home.