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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have cancelled Christmas?

111 replies

GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh · 22/12/2009 22:16

Christmas is for the kids right? It is something we do to make it magical, to give our children happy memories, of family, presents, good food, nice atmosphere, isnt it?

Well, I have cancelled it. Tomorrow I will take the kids presents back to the shop. I have thrown the Christmas tree out into the garden, and I am not going to clean, or make anything nice. We are not going to eat what I have baked, and forget cooking.

My kids dont deserve it. They are little horrors, and maybe, as I have threatened if they continue their apalling behaviour, their spitting and their hair pulling, their fighting and their winding up, there will be no presents.

Well guess what, there wont be. Christmas is off, as I am going to follow through with my threat.

I have been "Nice Mummy" for too long.
Now, watch me go into "bad mummy mode".

It.Is.War.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh · 22/12/2009 22:32

I absolutely HATE spitting, and it is generally not tolerated.

DS1 will be 8 in april, he really is old enough to know better.

DS2 has been counting down the days till Christmas the entire week.

But the behaviour has gone on for a month, and I am not getting through to either of them, so it is not just that they are hyped up for Christmas.

OP posts:
ScottishBoris · 22/12/2009 22:33

Hmmm usually I would be behind you, but we are really close to Christmas and my (usually angelic) Dd1 has been a totl PITA I think it's just par for the course. I'd be tempted to make them crawl for the next two days (and enjoy it!) and make the most of Christmas as usual.

(un-MN'tty hugs for you, 'cos they do sound like they've been over excited and a right royal pain).

Original poster
GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh · 22/12/2009 22:34

Should I make them "earn" back christmas?

OP posts:
PoppityMerryGentlemen · 22/12/2009 22:34

YABU. They are really quite young still. It is not their fault you have lost control.

Was the staircase you sent them down(to your sister's flat) an internal one, or a shared one in a block of flats? I can't halp thinkng it's a bit much tusting them to go down alone at the ages they are. They are too young to understand the problems with their Grandad.

Rather than ruin Christmas you need to set some boundary targets for the New Year, and stick to them.

Original poster
GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh · 22/12/2009 22:36

It is an internal staircase. It is a three storey house, a one bed flat at the bottom, with my parents laundry room, and basement rooms with storage, my parents main accommodation on the first floor, and on the top was my late uncles flat (Now just storage).

OP posts:
PoppityMerryGentlemen · 22/12/2009 22:36

*help and trusting. tsk.

PoppityMerryGentlemen · 22/12/2009 22:38

Oh, ok.

Earning it back sounds like a good idea.

ScottishBoris · 22/12/2009 22:40

I'd go for the earning back option tbh. Makes you feel less like a bitch and they still learn that actions have consequences.

snice · 22/12/2009 22:41

I can see why you're upset but I think you'll regret this decision forever if you go through with it. My childrens' behaviour has not been great recently either and I have 'cancelled' a small treat in the last few days because of it.

However I think you're expecting a lot from a 4 and 7 year old in terms of not squealing/shouting -its Christmas and they're overexcited. Spitting I wouldn't tolerate. Maybe give them a big talking to in the morning and make it clear that unless the tree decoration and the rest of the mornings activities go smoothly there will be serious consequences.

I hope things get better for you

paisleyleaf · 22/12/2009 22:42

Crikey i just couldn't go through with cancelling christmas for children that young.
Yes, let them earn it back.

plumpud · 22/12/2009 22:42

yup agree with earning it back

LuckySalem · 22/12/2009 22:43

Earn it back is good.

Can they help you peel the veg or something. Decorate the tree calmly etc or no tree?
"no tree" isn't a bad threat that you could carry out IMO.

Alambil · 22/12/2009 22:45

I cancelled christmas in our house once... DS isn't scarred for life. I took down the tree after he'd cut the special decorations off, I removed all the other stuff and totally took the house back to normal

He did that a week before the big day though iirc so he got the chance to redeem his presents ...

I say, sit them down tomorrow, read the hot as coals riot act, give them one last chance... they are old enough to know better and do as you say. They know the family behaviour standards - it's not like no spitting is a new thing!

Just try as hard as you can to let them earn the stuff back - at least their gifts.

Is there anything you still need to do? any cleaning stuff or something they can help with?

for what it's worth, I don't think they are too young to understand "go downstairs whilst I just do this and be quiet as grampy is sleeping". My DS knows he has to be quiet in the back of my parents house as grandpa works from home... he gets it, he does it - occasional reminders of course, but in the main it's ok and that started when he was 4ish

carriedababi · 22/12/2009 22:45

please don't cancel, you will never be able to undo something like that.

Janos · 22/12/2009 22:52

God you must be stressed out your tree.

What I do with my son who can be extremely excitabve (5) and sometimes a little horror is take something away he wants and then make him earn it back with good behaviour.

Could you say to them this is going to happen if you don't do x, y and z?

Theochris · 22/12/2009 22:54

Thing is parenting is just bloody hard work sometimes. Don't be too hard on them or yourself.

Try to do something with them tomorrow, not necessarily a big treat, park trip or a messy craft session. Adult conversation is very dull for children and there is a limit to how much even the most perfectly behaved child will put up with without some attention. So give them some and they will be better behaved and more loveable. It's hard because you feel they haven't deserved good stuff, but do it anyway and they will start to behave.

Good luck, fix your self a drink and persuade someone to let you have a lie in.

ADingDongDandyChristmasLioness · 22/12/2009 22:55

YABU.

Cancelling the whole thing is way too dramatic. They are 4 and 7 year old boys!
They've had a long term at school, they're probably exhausted and Christmas is a few days away. As another poster said, they are too young to understand their grandfather's health problems. Spitting is terrible, but still doesn't justify your cancelling christmas.

Big dramatic gestures made in the heat of the moment don't work IMO.

Making them earn it back is good, but is a turn around from cancelling, so not exactly consistent and will just make your cancelling look like you being over-emotional and out of control.

VicarInaTinselTuTu · 22/12/2009 22:55

i think its a bit disproportionate. do they normally get this excitable? are you not listened to normally? have you lost control of your DC?

i dont think throwing a monumental strop and cancelling christmas will work tbh. its too much of a one off to have any lasting impact in a good way.

it get all supernanny on their arses. immediate consequences are what kids of that age understand. not threats, and not cancelling christmas.

mine are 18 and 12. honestly, i dont think doing what your proposing will help your cause. you have my sympathies cos you sound at the end of your tether, but id not do this.

Theochris · 22/12/2009 22:58

Meant to say also don't cancel it please.

dontcallmepeanut · 22/12/2009 23:00

YABU, sorry to be blunt.

My mum cancelled my brothers birthday at age 7. He now uses that as a threat to his step daughter, something that I told him what I thought of.

To carry a punishment on for so long is unreasonable (3 days is a long time) Go with the earning back christmas, but don't make the methods of earning christmas back unreasonable. how about have the older one wash up (if you have a tolerance for broken plates/missed spots, and are ready to accept that you'll be doing it afterwards) and the foiur year old hoover (he'll love it, but he'll miss 3/4's of the room) cor just x amount of cuddles/glasses of wine/other non-hot drink for mummy, while dh hides the christmas tree inconspicuously indoors)

dontcallmepeanut · 22/12/2009 23:02

Oh, and don't forget to apologise, and say "Mummy was wrong". It's acceptable for mummy to be wrong sometimes

NonnoMum · 22/12/2009 23:05

Please don't cancel it.
I'm not a complete expert in behaviour but I have come across "behaviour strategies" in my place of work...
Start off very calmly tomorrow and "give them opportunities to be good".
Have a good humour and take it one step at a time...
"Mummy was very angry yesterday but today we are all going to try to be good..."
Good luck...

hatwoman · 22/12/2009 23:05

Gold - when I've made threats that I don;t really want to carry out (we all do it...we're all human) I give dcs the opportunity to "earn" a return to the pre-threat status. If you want to do this then give them some specific targets for the next couple of days. "be good" is not explicit enough.

You could do a quick points chart and tell them they need to earn 10 points each and you'll bring the christmas tree back in. another 10 and you'll cook the turkey. another 10 and they can have pudding etc etc. add some really nice incentives too - eg a late night walk in the snow (if you have some) on Christmas Eve to look for the big star and listen out for FC etc.

Then tell them what will earn points. clearing the table (maybe not for the 4 year old...but maybe...), making some christmas cards for the family they annoyed today, saying please and thank you, getting ready for bed queitky without fighting etc etc. put whatever you like on the list.

then get rewarding and let them earn christmas back.

sorry you're having such a tough time.

hatwoman · 22/12/2009 23:06

just seen someone has already suggesting letting them earn it back...of to read the rest of the thread properly this time...

Portofino · 22/12/2009 23:09

Quint, sweetie, you are having an exceptionally hard time at the mo, I know. You would have to be a saint to put up with everything and not crack up. I am sure you are not saintly. I am not that is for certain.

Tonight you need to put the dcs to bed and pour yourself a large glass of something. Tomorrow you need to tell dcs that stuff is difficult at the mo with GPs and they are big boys and girls, you need their help.....