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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking that if you are a lone parent of either sex..

76 replies

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 22/12/2009 17:50

that there are some professions that are not a good choice?

Now before I get flamed I am NOT suggesting that lone parents should't work, and shouldn't have a job that they enjoy, however...

this morning on GMTV they had a little girl talking to her Mum in Afghanistan the little girl has been living with her grand mother for 2.5 years whilst Mum has been on overseas postings.

it made me think, that if you are the sole parent then you should value your life a bit more as you are all that child/children have.

So Go on let rip... Am I Being Unreasonable??

OP posts:
FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 22/12/2009 17:51

A little bit but I do see where you are coming from.

merrycompo · 22/12/2009 17:52

Well she was probably doing that job before she became a lone parent and now isn't qualified to make same money doing anything else

alicet · 22/12/2009 17:53

I couldn't comprehend doing anything where i was away from my children for any length of time.

But YABU - you have no idea of this families life or why the mum has made the decision she has.

expatinscotland · 22/12/2009 17:54

What merry said.

Or her partner or husband was also a soldier who was killed.

Original poster
ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 22/12/2009 17:56

The thing is in so many ways I know I am being unreasonable to use this lady as an example because you are right, I don't know her circumstances AT ALL.

I just can't seem to shake the feeling that she is putting her life in un necessary danger

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 22/12/2009 17:58

isn't ANY member of the armed forces though?

Original poster
ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 22/12/2009 18:02

Yes they are CS.. and they do an amazing job that the majority of people in the world wouldn't have the courage to do.

OP posts:
merrycompo · 22/12/2009 18:04

Ifi died tomorrow dh would have to carry on working to pay the mortgage etc
his job is shifts and weekends
the inlaws would most likely move in
sure people would judge him but he wouldn't be able to get another job that would pay everything
he'd have to quit work uproot dcs from school move in with inlaws just to be home every weekend instead of every other

Weegle · 22/12/2009 18:05

She's obviously got involved grandparents - something a lot of children from 2 parent families don't have...

Nuclear is necessarily best - and that's as the mother in a nuclear fam

Weegle · 22/12/2009 18:08

ISN'T even, bugger

RantApplause · 22/12/2009 18:22

I can see your point - 241 British soldiers have been killed in Afghanistan since 2001 - 104 of those were this year. All their families left to mourn their brave loved ones and I'm sure many of them, if asked, wouldn't have wanted to leave their families to go there but such where the circumstances of their lives, single parents or not.

However I still think YABU - Thousands of people have died on national roads since 2001, the figures for 2009 not available yet. Should all single parents give up driving, cycling, crossing the road?

All of our individual circumstances are different. We all, I'm sure make our decisions with our children and families forefront in our minds and strive to ensure we make it home to them. Sadly a lot of us won't.

O123 · 23/12/2009 21:38

I think ALL parents should put their children first - no parent should put their lives at risk, work away from home for any length of time, work for longer hours than necessary, etc. I know that this is pretty unrealistic but I just hate to think of children suffering.

Orit Sutton
How To Be A Happy Single Mother

UpsyOne · 23/12/2009 21:54

YABU!!!!

I saw this too and I was very upset. It's not something that I would do, but it's not for anyone else to tell this woman how to live her life.

Would you prefer she was claiming benefits? Did you not hear her mother thanking her for paying for her university fees?

What if she is making the sacrifice to provide her daughter with a better life? The army pays soldiers extra money when away on tours and the soldiers don't need to spend a much money at all as everything is provided for. The mother may well be thinking the same thing as OP everyday but maybe she has no alternative, I hope she never sees this thread.

midori1999 · 23/12/2009 22:41

I am a forces wife and my husband has just returned from Afghan. (actually, the battalion won 'Best Unit' in the 'Millies' and my hsuband's medic won 'Best Life Saver', both of which make me very, very proud) My husband's clerk while he was in Afghan is a single Mum to twin girls. He in Infantry, so they were on the front line and in what is probably the most dangerous place in Afghnaistan, know as 'The Devils Playgroud'.

I am extremely proud of all the men and women who go out there, someone has to, and how admirable that they put the lives and futures of people they do not even know before themselves. Someone has to.

There are so many benfits to a family in forces life, and most parents are away six months of every two years absolute maximum (on active duty as opposed to exercises, training etc). There is job security at a time when many families don't have that, Christmasses, Easter and summer holidays off work for weeks at a time, excellent schooling opportunities. I would imagine for a single parent with a supportive family, they are all deciding factors. Despite the larg enumber of soliders very tragicaly killed in Afghan, many, many more come home safely.

I am slightly puzzled as to why she had been away for 2 1/2 years though, no-one would serve in Afghan for that length of time, so her usual 'base' must have been over seas and she chose not to take her daughter with her.

mrmellors · 23/12/2009 23:10

Well once upon a time pregnancy meant automatic discharge from the Forces, and I for one am pleased that's no longer the case. We don't know this woman's circumstances, she may have found herself pregnant unexpectedly or have been widowed, and who are we to judge?

FWIW she has a career both she and her daughter can be proud of IMO. And is her situation so very different from some of the lawyers I used to work with who had two full-time nannies - one for the daytime and one for the night (knowing they would be working more than a 12 hour day every day?)

tethersjinglebellend · 23/12/2009 23:30

I actually don't think you're being unreasonable; yet I cannot argue my point. It's just my feeling.

mrmellors, you make a good point about lawyers, but I feel the same way about them- and I say that as a working parent. Again, ask me for a reasoned or logical argument and I'll fail miserably.

I also cannot comprehend parents who go on mountaineering expeditions etc. which are sufficiently dangerous to put their lives at risk (I am talking Everest rather than the Peak district here). I don't understand how it can be worth it.

MumNWLondon · 24/12/2009 00:13

Although I see your point, not everyone plans to have kids, and once you do hard to change your career. Maybe the alternative is living on benefits.... would that be a good example for her to show her LO?

Also not really sure why you are posting... it doesn't sound like is a dilema for you or is there something you are not giving away?

Laquitar · 24/12/2009 00:38

I 've got a friend who refuses to get in her dh's car since they had their son (he is 2). She insists that parents should drive in seperate cars in case the worst happens. Sounds crazy but.. it does happen...

I don't know where you draw the line really.

Personally i wouldn't do a very risky job even before i had children. Funny really because i have done stupid risky things for fun but i always said that no job worth more than my life!

ChilloHippi · 24/12/2009 00:43

Who's to say that if she working and living here that the mother would look after her child? Maybe the little girl would still live with her grandparents. It's a situation that suits planty of people.

skihorse · 24/12/2009 02:37

YABU - and I fear not getting the full story. Nobody, but nobody gets 2.5 year postings.

2kidzandi · 24/12/2009 07:32

YANBU I don't think she should be putting herself in danger either, since she is her DDs only parent.

But maybe there's more to it.

ginnybag · 24/12/2009 09:07

The other thing is, as a member of the forces, it's not always that easy to just 'quit'.

If she's doing something that the army has decided they need her for, she won't automatically be allowed to leave, child or no child.

It's upsetting that she's been away from her child for so long, and I can see why anyone would think she should come home, but it may not be in her control, even if she could without taking huge paycuts etc.

maristella · 24/12/2009 09:30

Please don't judge us single parents!!
we tend to be well aware that we have double the responsibility etc etc.
we also have the right to make our own choices, as would any non-single parent.
as Rant says, danger could come from anywhere - to get to and from work i have to drive on some of the most notorious roads in our county. i do so as safely as i possibly can, as i am well aware that should anything happen to me my ds would be orphaned.
however, i choose to spend my days doing something constructive, and showing my ds how to build a career and take pride in it. he has no other parent who can show him how to do this.
Please don't judge this woman, as with so many single parents she is making the best life she can for her family.

Flightattendant · 24/12/2009 09:40

This si something I struggle with. There are loads of things I'd love to do but worry that I'll be taking unnecessary risks,

however I think you ought to apply this to all parents, not just single ones. That's MIGHTY unreasonable, sorry.

porcamiseria · 24/12/2009 09:47

i agree, there are other jobs out there, BUT we dony know her circumstances