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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking that if you are a lone parent of either sex..

76 replies

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 22/12/2009 17:50

that there are some professions that are not a good choice?

Now before I get flamed I am NOT suggesting that lone parents should't work, and shouldn't have a job that they enjoy, however...

this morning on GMTV they had a little girl talking to her Mum in Afghanistan the little girl has been living with her grand mother for 2.5 years whilst Mum has been on overseas postings.

it made me think, that if you are the sole parent then you should value your life a bit more as you are all that child/children have.

So Go on let rip... Am I Being Unreasonable??

OP posts:
TheOldestCat · 24/12/2009 09:52

She, presumably, has great childcare - the little girl is with her grandmother. That's what matters.

If it had been a bloke on GMTV who was a single parent and serving abroad while his mum cared for his daughter, would it have prompted the same thought? Not you OP, as you state parent of either sex. But I do wonder if it would be more 'wow what a hero' from some people, while because the child's mother is away, some think it's unreasonable.

tethersjinglebellend · 24/12/2009 10:04

Actually, I think I feel the same way regardless of the gender or marital status of the parent. I don't understand why you would want to knowingly increase the risk (quite significantly) of your child losing a parent.

Jem27 · 24/12/2009 15:23

YANBU.

I think all parents, lone, mums AND dads need to remember that life changes when you have children. You are needed to be around more and sometimes that will mean that you have to make changes to your life.

I was a lone parent until my DD was seven and knew from the moment I had her that working sixty hours a week, having a job that means Im away all of the time or working somewhere that my life would be at risk just wasnt an option anymore.

againandagain · 25/12/2009 20:35

I dont know but maybe she is in the forces as you can receive vocational training without paying for it.

Maybe, just maybe, she is training to become a vet or something. This is expensive to do if you fund it yourself. When she finishes her time in the forces she will have a fairly high paying job and will be able to offer her daughter choices that she did not have.

Is this BU??

muggglewump · 25/12/2009 20:46

YANBU.

I just can't get my head around why anyone would do this.
Perhaps it's because I don't have a close family and it pretty much just is DD and I, but I can't imagine thinking it OK to put my life at great(er) risk if I was close to my brother, my Mum was alive etc.

I can sort of see how someone would maybe think having a great career, with lots of money would give their child a better life, but I disagree.
A life with their parent is worth far more.

I've never had much money, and I don't have a career but I've done everything I can to give my DD a great childhood, and will continue to do so. The greatest part of it I hope will be that she always knows she came before anything, and that includes money.
I have my priorities in the right place, and I don't believe lone parents in the forces do.

midori1999 · 25/12/2009 21:39

I have my priorities in the right place, and I don't believe lone parents in the forces do.

Do you know any lone parents in the forces? The lady I mentioned in my earlier post has twin girls who are looked after by their Grandmother, in their own home so they can keep schooling etc up and have soem stability. They are two of the most wonderful girls I have ever had the fortune to meet, very kind, caring and well adjusted. I am pretty sure if you asked them they would say they are fully aware they are the most important thing in their Mum's life.

Also, women in the forces with children can opt out of operational tours if they so wish or don't have childcare etc.

muggglewump · 25/12/2009 22:17

No, I don't admittedly. I am open to hear about why any lone parent would choose to be in the forces. Perhaps there are reasons I wouldn't know of.

Grandparents don't cut it with me though I'm afraid. They are not parents.
A lone parent owes it to their child to be there for them, and you can't do that if you are away a lot.

I didn't know that about women in the forces opting out.
It does make me feel more strongly about mothers who choose to go to war zones.

How can they do that?
How could you kiss your children goodbye and know you may never come home?

blueshoes · 25/12/2009 22:27

I am so glad that there are lone parents like the mother in the OP who are prepared to do the dangerous jobs that sanctimonious parents (dual even) who take the easy way see fit to condemn and judge.

madamearcati · 25/12/2009 22:30

YANBU.I saw a family on TV where both parents were sent to Iraq at the same time.

midori1999 · 25/12/2009 22:34

mugglewump it appears you do not know much about forces life or what it involves... is a parent that is away for three months in two years but then gets three months PLUS paid time off work (usually including most holdays such as Christmas and Easter), works Mon-Fri pretty much 9-4.30 with weekends off, and usually finishes early on a Friday, away a 'lot'? I have been a single parents, and had a 'civvy' job and worked longer hours than that and saw my son less than most forces parents do, just to keep our heads above water.

blueshoes I agree entirely. It is lucky for those of us in the comfort of our homes, at our computers that there are some people brave and honourable enough to do such a job. To put their lives at risk to help and save others.

GypsyMoth · 25/12/2009 22:40

we had plenty of families (yes,families...just a bit different) on our garrison where parents worked away for a bit...whilst grandparents lived in the family quarter and looked after dc....single fathers would have a live in nanny if marriage had broken down....all sorts of different set ups....and if the parents are in afganistan,so what??

how many people here in uk risked life and limb this week driving to work in the snow whilst dc were in some nursery???

NiceShoes · 25/12/2009 22:54

I feel awed at ability of armed forces and certainly don't question their parental motives.Shame others seem up for it though.

I hope the mum and all forces parents return home safely to their loved ones.

muggglewump · 25/12/2009 22:56

My CM's husband is forces-Navy, and I live on a Navy estate, I know many people in the Navy.
I know that much about forces life.

It's not about time with your kid(s) in this case, it's about doing what you can to stay safe and come home to them.

I still don't get it or accept it for a lone parent and never will.

Driving to work in the snow is different. The job wasn't accepted knowing it was a life risk day after day, they took the risk to keep the job, it wasn't part of it.

GypsyMoth · 25/12/2009 22:58

alot of forces work isn't a 'life risk' either....

tethersjinglebellend · 25/12/2009 23:07

There are crap parents in every profession I suppose.

midori1999 · 25/12/2009 23:18

Driving to work in the snow is different. The job wasn't accepted knowing it was a life risk day after day, they took the risk to keep the job, it wasn't part of it

Life in the forces isn't day after day risk either.

Risking your life could apply to so many jobs, (working with some animals, driving jobs, factory work) or even day to day life. Around 250,000 people are injured or killed on our roads every single year.

Original poster
ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 25/12/2009 23:32

as the discussion has focussed on the military I would like to say that it was not my intention to start a thread about the military way of life at all, I merely used it (badly) as an example of a profession that is clearly more dangerous than some other jobs.

In my mind as I posted I was thinking about the sorts of jobs that are counted as "high risk"

There is danger in every day life that is certainly true.

It is Christmas day and I really didn't want to upset people by my ramblings.

OP posts:
tethersjinglebellend · 25/12/2009 23:32

"is a parent that is away for three months in two years but then gets three months PLUS paid time off work (usually including most holdays such as Christmas and Easter), works Mon-Fri pretty much 9-4.30 with weekends off, and usually finishes early on a Friday, away a 'lot'?"

Teaching offers this but without the added risk of being killed or injured. Why not be a teacher? Surely there must be a different motivation?

tethersjinglebellend · 25/12/2009 23:34

I think it's an interesting thread, greyskull; certainly a refreshing change from the MIL/SAHM/BF/FF discussions which go round in circles

muggglewump · 25/12/2009 23:34

'working with some animals'

Perhaps, but I know more forces folk than I do who work with tigers.

Sorry, that was probably unnesacary but I stand by not being in a job that may send you to a war zone if you are a lone parent.

It just doesn't compute with me. I could never, ever, do that to DD, even if I did have someone to leave her with.
Ugh, and I'd never leave her for that amount of time either.

I'm her only parent, I bring her up, I'm there every day, when she falls, she looks to me, when she's achieved something, she looks to me.

Every day, she looks to me.

That's how I believe it should be.

MitchyInge · 25/12/2009 23:49

how silly

none of us know for sure we are coming home again when we kiss our children goodbye, whether we are call centre workers or safari leaders - we could keel over at any moment from some hitherto unguessed at cardiac abnormality or be killed in a road traffic accident

surely it is a Good Thing that we now live in a world where it is possible for single women to support their children in a wider range of occupations than prostitution or seamstressing (bet that isn't even a word?)?

GypsyMoth · 25/12/2009 23:57

oh i see....so,no lone parent police officers then?? so i'm a crap (lone) parent then if i return?

slummymummy36 · 26/12/2009 00:01

How many people get killed comuting to and from their place of work every year?

I certainly dont think I could do it (be in the forces) as a mum.

My husband is in the Forces and he has been away plenty of times! He has his career - which he started long before he met me and long before we had kids.

So would you change a job as soon as you had kids if you had to drive/travel on a known accident blackspot every single day to and from work? Even if it meant - moving house, a new trade and perhaps less money?

I am sorry but as a wife of someone serving - We DO know the risks they take and yes I lie awake worrying when he is away but it also becomes a certain kind of normal because as a family that is our way of life.
A bit like Mr or Miss Civvi driving on auto pilot EVERY single day down the local B road that is also the local death trap! You know X amount of people get killed or injured there every year BUT you still drive down it anyway and just hope if you're careful you wont be one of them!

Yeah - the risks are not like for like but we could all reduce our risk of potential death. Should all single parents make sure they dont get fat to decrease their chance of a heart attack?? Should all single parents sleep in an oxygen tent? Should all single parents not drive, travel on the tube incase of terrorism, go out after dark, not have a bath when at home alone in case they faint in it?

Where do you draw the line?? We ALL put our lives at risk every single time we do anything - we dont perceive the things we do day in day out of any risk at all - perhaps making it even more dangerous.

I admit hen we first moved onto a married patch and we lived opposite a serving single mum I was quite taken back - but as I got to know her, her son and her Dad who moreless lived there to help when she was deployed, training and working shifts - I saw them for what they were - a hardworking and loving lovely family.

Dont be so quick to judge what is not the norm in your own little world.

We should be thankful for those prepared to serve in our Forces. I know I sure as hell am not brave enough to do their jobs.

So yep IMO I think yabu

tethersjinglebellend · 26/12/2009 00:08

ILovetiffany, my 'crap parent' comment was just an observation that some parents use work as an excuse to be away from their children, whatever their profession. It wasn't directed at any one person or profession per se.

midori1999 · 26/12/2009 00:11

mugglewump that's great and it's your choice. It is partly your choice because of all those serving in the forces, so lucky for you that they do so.

BTW, when I mentioned working with animals, I was talking more 'mainstream', I have a friend who works in a vets who recently almost died from salmonella, and lots of friends who work with or own horses who put their lives at risk every time they get on a horse...

It's all relative. Driving a car is dangerous, but it is also the 'norm' so we do it and assume we'll be the ones who are OK. Deployment is almost the norm for forces families.

tethersjinglebellend I am not saying that is the motivation, just that people in the force get more time off than most. I would assume they do the job for the same reason most people chose their careers, it;s simply that it is a career to which there are more benefits than most.