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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

christmas can turn a MIL into a bridezilla?

66 replies

daytoday · 22/12/2009 16:57

I respect my MIL. She is cut from a very different cloth to me. but I don't want to be the cliche dil who hates her mil.

However,

We take it in turns to spend christmas my family and then the in laws. However, this year is hard - my brother is back from overseas and I haven't seen him for 2 years. However, because it means a lot to my MIL we are sticking to our routine and going to hers.

However, she has just issued a list of her rules we need to abide by, including the kids not opening their presents until after church. We told her our children can could open their presents from santa and us whenever they feel like it. I don't mind waiting until later for the other family christmas.

We've just had a do it my way or don't come at all conversation. How can someone behave like this? She has been abusive and rude. In her mind we are letting her down massively. I think she is being rude and controlling.

Am I being unreasonable to think that its a bloody treat for her that we are all coming in the first place? Or am I being naive/selfish?

OP posts:
alicet · 22/12/2009 17:00

I generally think that if you go to someone elses place for Christmas you have to accept their traditions and do things their way. If you want to do things your way then host it yourself.

However it does seem unneccessarily controlling to make rules about when your dc open thier presents. Why on earth does it matter to her as long as you are not insisting that they get all their presents from everyone when you choose (which you clearly aren't)

have you asked her why she feels so strongly about this and why it would matter if your dc open santa and your presents before church and then others after with everyone else?

ScreaminEagle · 22/12/2009 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

alicet · 22/12/2009 17:10

can I just add that my post is presuming you have young children as you talked about santa. If they are teenagers then I thnk YABU and should go by her traditions as you are going to hers.

nickelbabyjesus · 22/12/2009 17:12

i don't see the problem with making them wait until after church.
that makes it about half 11, right?

we had to do it.

i still do it now.

Original poster
daytoday · 22/12/2009 17:15

I feel that my kids can open the presents I have bought them whenever they want to. I hate the idea that they wake up at 6am and then have to wait and wait and wait. My mil is very controlling but I have always managed her with respect and boundaries. However, to say that we can't come at all if we don't do it her way has shocked me beyond belief.

I would be much happier staying here but we are only going because she loves putting on a show so much. But surely that doesn't mean upsetting everyone just to blast through some new rules. Every year she makes someone cry.

We have decided we are not going again - for me christmas is about feeling connected to the family and the kids having a great time.

OP posts:
alicet · 22/12/2009 17:17

I don't see a problem with them waiting for some presents (for example we don't open presents until after breakfast but then we have stockings when we wake up so they have lots to play with from their to start with).

However like you I hate the idea of loads of rules and waiting and not just having fun.

What does your dh say? If he is just as pissed off as you can you call her bluff and say if she doesn't want you there then thats fine, you'll spend christmas at home this year and maybe see her between christmas and New year (depending on where you live I guess)

Original poster
daytoday · 22/12/2009 17:20

yes the kids are all very young. We are bundling in a car - driving for hours to get there. We have offered to christmas here but she loves doing it there/

I don't mind the other rules - well I do mind but I'll do them of course. However, I put my foot down when it comes to the kids.

OP posts:
SleighGirl · 22/12/2009 17:21

If your dc are young and these are new rules then that is truly bizarre!!!

FakePlasticChristmasTrees · 22/12/2009 17:22

well, you can either call her bluff and not go, or when your DC's wake up at 6am on Christmas morning, tell them they can only open gifts from Santa and see if she really wants to be the wicked witch and try and stop them.

Basically, scupper her rules, be prepared not to be invited again, which probably would suit you...

JennyfromtheBlock · 22/12/2009 17:24

What does your DH say? Also what have you done in the past when you spent christmas there?

mistletoekisses · 22/12/2009 17:25

If they are young, but old enough to get the whole 'santa present' thing; then I totally agree with you. I would hate to do this to DS as I think santa presents should be opened first thing, the others wait for after lunch.

Not sure what to advise. Let them open them and see how it plays out on christmas day? what is she going to do? turn you away?

peacocks · 22/12/2009 17:25

Yes, she's being a control freak and extremely unkind.

FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 22/12/2009 17:27

I think you are both being unreasonable.

Mind you., I get fed up when we go to my ILs and MIL just will not sit down and open presents. I can't wait, never mind the kids!!

merrycompo · 22/12/2009 17:28

Even if you stay over at someone's house for Xmas it is up to you yo decide go sneak in their rooms in the middle of the night and put prsents in their rooms to open at silly o clock when they wake

alicet · 22/12/2009 17:29

What does your dh say?

Original poster
daytoday · 22/12/2009 17:36

DH is fuming - she ranted and raved at him on the phone and sent abusive email. I dont want him to fall out with her over this but she has a history of having tantrums to get her own way.

The kids have always opened our presents when they wake up and the rest of the presents later.

As far as I am concerned my kids - my rules! And I will not spend my xmas morning telling them off, arguing or having them in tears. For what - a stupid bloody ritual.

OP posts:
alicet · 22/12/2009 17:39

Well if this is a new rule and not what you have previously done at her house, and if your dh is in agreement given that it is his fmaily, I would calmly tell her that this is the way your dcs are opening their presents and that while you would love to come to theirs if she cannot accept this then you will be staying at home. give her a reasonable time in which to decide depending on when you would have to leave to get there and stick to it. just like you would with a tantrumming toddler.

SleighGirl · 22/12/2009 17:42

Where are you spending Christmas Eve night - I am very confused as to how she can force you to implement the rule?

Original poster
daytoday · 22/12/2009 17:47

I've had a brainwave. I am going to buy Harry a chocolate dick and maybe he can get me some saucy underwear. We'll open that after church with all the family too.

What do you think?

OP posts:
chocolaterabbit · 22/12/2009 17:49

YANBU, How exactly can she stop them opening Santa presents anyway? Sounds most odd and perfect excuse not to go.

TheCrackFox · 22/12/2009 17:52

When the DCs wake up at stupid O'clock tell them to go through to MILs room. Leave her to deal with the chaos.

Alternatively stay at home.

overweightnoverdrawn · 22/12/2009 17:53

shes a Santazilla . I wouldnt do it to my kids . shes a silly moo

overweightnoverdrawn · 22/12/2009 17:54

shes a Santazilla . I wouldnt do it to my kids . shes a silly moo

StayingSantasGirl · 22/12/2009 17:54

I don't think she is being at all reasonable to rant and rave and be abusive over this, but I do agree with the poster who said that if you are at someone else's house for Christmas, you do Christmas their way - as a general rule.

But, I don't think it is unreasonable for the children to open their stockings first thing in the morning - we open stockings first thing, and that has always kept the children going until after lunch, which is when we open the presents. You cannot expect small children to wait half the morning for so much as a sniff at a present.

I actually think that what you offered was a very reasonable compromise, daytoday.

PhaseolusNativitatus · 22/12/2009 18:05

This whole 'stage-managing' of Christmas day is really irritating. Why anyone would want to impose a new rule like this is beyond me. Is she seriously aspirational or something?

Tell her the Windsors open theirs on Christmas Eve

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