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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

christmas can turn a MIL into a bridezilla?

66 replies

daytoday · 22/12/2009 16:57

I respect my MIL. She is cut from a very different cloth to me. but I don't want to be the cliche dil who hates her mil.

However,

We take it in turns to spend christmas my family and then the in laws. However, this year is hard - my brother is back from overseas and I haven't seen him for 2 years. However, because it means a lot to my MIL we are sticking to our routine and going to hers.

However, she has just issued a list of her rules we need to abide by, including the kids not opening their presents until after church. We told her our children can could open their presents from santa and us whenever they feel like it. I don't mind waiting until later for the other family christmas.

We've just had a do it my way or don't come at all conversation. How can someone behave like this? She has been abusive and rude. In her mind we are letting her down massively. I think she is being rude and controlling.

Am I being unreasonable to think that its a bloody treat for her that we are all coming in the first place? Or am I being naive/selfish?

OP posts:
plantsitter · 22/12/2009 18:09

But if it's their Santa presents, well, it's nothing to do with you... is it? She wants to write c/o North Pole or put up with Santa's 'traditions'. Would she be mean enough to do the big reveal in front of the kids?

CirrhosisByTheSea · 22/12/2009 18:20

In general I do agree that you fall in with someone's traditions if you visit. However, entertaining visitors in your home is about making them feel comfortable and happy, not about getting to be boss and throw a strop if they don't do as they're told!

I think she sounds really bad - you said 'every year she makes someone cry' - that's awful! And the way she has dealt with this is just so over the top.

I'm glad your DH is aware of the whole thing - it's his role now to deal with her in the future imo. Don't let yourself get put centre stage with this.

I really hope you have a lovely christmas x

wolfear · 22/12/2009 18:21

YANBU

She's behaving like a child - my way or don't come at all! How ridiculous. Who cares when the kids open their santa presents? What kid can wait till 11.30? Half the fun is seeing their excited faces ripping through the paper at stupid o'clock. Can't they just open the presents from her after church?

We fell out out with MIL last Christmas when we were at hers as she wanted to take DS to a fox hunt on Boxing Day(DH and I are very anti). Not worth the hassle again so we're at home this year with PILs coming for lunch. Our house, our rules.

VirginPeachyMotherOfSpod · 22/12/2009 18:26

You can't just change the way Santa operates on a whim, it confuses small ones.

I would respond clamly to her email with a I am sorry you are upset about this (so acknowledging yopu get that) but you feel strongly that there need to be some consistencies for the children, and one such is the way they open thewir stockings. That you are willing for her to make the choice on whether you visit on that basis or not, and could she let you know by tomorrow so that you have time to get Christmas dinner shopped for.

Original poster
daytoday · 22/12/2009 18:28

No no - she said no presents till after church. We said they could open presents from us (mum and dad) and their stockings. We are fine with waiting to open all other presents till after xmas.

I would prob compromise on everything, if polite but she has threatened us not to go and flown off the handle. I find the whole ransom very unpalatable.

I really don't get it?

OP posts:
Fibilou · 22/12/2009 18:33

I have to say I really don't see what's so unreasonable about presents after church - unless church is at 7pm.

My Mum and Dad never told me (when I was too young to know the date) which day Christmas Day was, I just knew it was coming up - so I would be woken up one morning with Mum saying "it's Christmas Day". I had a small stocking - and then had to wait until the evening to open my main presents. I suppose I was a very well behaved child because I never got in a state about "having to wait" and my mother was determined that I was not going to associate Christmas solely with getting presents.

We are great ones for delayed gratification in our house and I think it is good to teach children patience and self restraint.

TheArmadillo · 22/12/2009 18:33

I think YANBU

At christmas there has to be some element of compromise on each side where there are different traditions.

I would let your dc open their stockings first thing and save the rest till after church.

If she is not willing to compromise on that then she is being a pain for the sake of it.

My mum used to kick off that she wanted ds and the rest of us to open presents throughout the day - as we always left after lunch to visit ILs I pointed out that she could either watch ds open them or he could take them away when we left so he could open them later. She kicked off every fucking year. And then we had the usual rant about how noone should get any presents anyway as it was too commercial - whilst opening her presents and refusing to say thank you for them.

And this is why (amongst other stuff) she will not see us on christmas day.

Your house your rules is bollocks imo. Compromise on BOTH sides is needed.

Weegle · 22/12/2009 18:36

YANBU - you can't expect young kids who belive in FC to wake up, see their stockings, but not be allowed to open them for hours!

Anyway - every single different church that I have been to on Christmas morning for 31 years has had a small section of the service where kids are invited up to the front to show off pressies, or hold them up, or one or two to come to the front and say what they've been given... how horrid would that be for them to not have opened ANY!

SleighGirl · 22/12/2009 18:38

THe MIL is saying they are not even allowed stockings so NOTHING to open until after church, just bizarre IMO and we go to church!

NigellaTufnel · 22/12/2009 18:42

YANBU

Stockings should be opened at the very least.

I think that you can compromise a bit, but this smacks of the problem that my mother has - she has a vision in her mind of a pefect Christmas, unfolding the way she wishes it. And if anyone deviates from it she throws a massive strop, cries and gets nasty.

I was so fed up of this that when I was a student I took half a (ahem) 'special aspirin' after the Queen's speech and was blissed out for the rest of the day.

That was a blinding idea.

(Please note for the record, that I am now a respectable mother. 'Just say no, kids!'

CirrhosisByTheSea · 22/12/2009 18:51

blimey. Not even knowing when christmas day is and being told on the day and waiting till evening for presents. That is controlling in the extreme. There is teaching patience and delayed gratification, yes - but it does not have to be like that. That sounds over controlling to me, in a big way.

Fibilou · 22/12/2009 18:52

oh well, hey ho. At least I wasn't screaming and tantruming by 11am

Fibilou · 22/12/2009 18:53

And I have grown into a very self-controlled adult. I don't see anything wrong with that myself.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 22/12/2009 18:54

so all kids who aren't controlled in that way are doing that then? Sorry to disappoint but children can be taught these skills in a slightly more reasonable way and this does not mean they are screaming and tantrumming!

ILikeLentils · 22/12/2009 18:54

YANBU.

Tbh I'd be very clear with her that your children will be opening their stockings and their presents from you when they start the day, as is their tradition. You are happy to compromise and hold off all other present opening until after church. If she does feel that her tradition is more important than seeing her grandchildren on Christmas Day, so be it. Call her bluff and tell her straight that you are prepared to make different arrangements if she is not prepared to compromise.

I think the idea of "my house my rules" is very rude. Compromise and find ways to keep as many people as possible happy, putting children first on Christmas Day. If you were at home with your children you could probably very easily make them wait a bit, but I find my are far, far madder when we go away for Christmas.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 22/12/2009 18:55

I'm sure you have Fibi I just profoundly don't like the way your parents did it. good job I'm not you then I guess! Have a great Christmas

Fibilou · 22/12/2009 18:56

Different strokes for different folks I guess, cirrhosis - and I know I am a bit extreme in the delayed-gratification stakes but I really don't see the harm in making them wait a couple of hours. IMO it just builds up the anticipation

CirrhosisByTheSea · 22/12/2009 18:58

I don't see the harm in waiting a couple of hours either Fibi! I think an awful lot of families do this. I was referring to you not even knowing when christmas day was and being told on the day - and waiting till the evening which is a bit more than a couple of hours.

any road up, as you say different strokes etc

Do you tell your kids when christmas day is out of interest? Do they wait till the evening?

kinnies · 22/12/2009 19:03

What a bitch!

My lovley ILs went to great lengths to ensure that mine and Ds's (7) santa traditions were kept to last year when we stayed at SILs on xmas eve.

My SIL is a nanny and totaly gets why you have to keep it the same each year and MIL is just a kind and lovley person.

Just tell her shes nuts.

yomellamoHelly · 22/12/2009 19:07

If she changed the rules YANBU.
We do Christmas at PIL's house and have to wait 'til after lunch to open presents. It winds us up when they're so busy washing up (they have a dw) and titivating that it gets to be 4 - 4:30 before they're ready. (Kids tea is 4:30 - 5 ish.)
Dh and I and our 3 dc will all have stockings which are opened before breakfast though! (Generally in our bed all together.) Tbh we put most of our dcs' presents in them since PIL go OTT and I want them to at least spend some time playing with what we give them (it upsets me when they don't get round to playing with some of their gifts at all). They're all still young so have never wanted a major present yet and I tend to go for small things as a rule. So it might not continue to work like this in the future.

lovechoc · 22/12/2009 19:09

and this is why I have Christmas in my own house with DH and DS, we have our dinner at home ourselves and do it all OUR way.

If you're not happy with your MILs style then stuff her and do things your way. Why should you sacrifice your own traditions just to please her??

JingleAllTheWay · 22/12/2009 19:13

You really cannot expect little children to receive stockings / pressies from FC then not open them for hours.

It will be a riot of sadness.

We have always opened stockings and presents from Father Christmas ( nothing big as we like to take the credit so books / a DVD ) at the start of the day, which can be very early, then anything else after lunch.

We do keep back some presents for Boxing Day though, to spread it out a bit.

MsDoctor · 22/12/2009 19:20

Christmas comes with lots of traditions for everyone, most I think people should abide if they are at their home.... but when your dcs open their presents is noone elses business. Perhaps some children do wait until after church but that's a tradition to be set by parents not newly enforced by a grandparent.

I find the whole idea that a child who understood the idea of Christmas wouldn't be aware enough to ask when it was...really really odd. Before my dd was 2 she would ask how many sleeps until Christmas day....there's no way we'd get away with not telling her when it was. Having a tradition of waiting doesn't make you patient, every child has to wait...if your parents had made you wait until the next day and you still didn't even ask, now that would be patient. Sticking to a tradition just means you wouldn't have expected it early. In some houses children can have presents and still not think that is the be all and end all of Christmas, like the excitement of family visiting.

happymatleave · 22/12/2009 19:32

I remember creeping downstairs with my parents and sister on christmas day to see if Santa had been and then diving in to open my presents. I do the same now with my dcs. It's a lovely moment and I can't imagine starting christmas day in any other way. There is no way I would make my chidren wait to open their presents no matter whose house we were at. Yes we open other family presents later in the day when we all get together but the main ones from Santa are always 1st thing in the morning.

I think it is different if you have always waited until after lunch/church etc. and that's what the children are expecting. But I actualy think it is rather cruel to suddenly begin to do this now if you haven't in other years.

I would not go if your MIL can't compromise on this for the sake of her grandchildren.

Pikelit · 22/12/2009 19:39

I'm thinking the OP is very happy to find a reason NOT to go to MIL's this Christmas and instead, be able to see her brother.

But having said this, I don't think she is BU in wondering which planet MIL plans to host Christmas from. Only it seems very odd indeed to start sending out rules (rules, ffs!!) over present opening which include the demand about stocking presents not being opened until after church.

It doesn't hurt any child to learn that different ways of doing things pertain in different houses. The "your kids, your rules" principle being somewhat wobbly if you are a guest and at my IL's house my dss had to wait until after breakfast had been eaten and washed up before we all sat down for the main present opening ceremonies. But nobody would ever have suggested that their stocking presents were held back till then. It's unkind and pointless.